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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to give DC presents

61 replies

Betty1119 · 06/11/2019 23:29

DH and I are currently NC with MIL & FIL
Things have always been tense (Ive never been welcome) But they have always had full access to GC.
They live hours away and visits were always overnight and every other month (DC only 2 and this has been since 6m old)
Contact was very flexible, generous and to suit them.
They had overnight, full weekend stays without DH there.
However they continuously ignored my very basic requests (dont put a nappy on we are training etc, dont send a stranger to pick them up!) Please text to say they have settled for the evening.etc etc
About 10 months ago MIL and I seriously fell out but they still took DC as planned overnight but didn't call or text.
DC came home with a temp of 40c & we ended up at a&e but nothing was mentioned!
It was decided then that DC would not visit again unsupervised but access was never denied.
But in-laws decided to cut all contact and haven't seen or asked about DC since and said they refuse to be supervised and would rather not see DC againl!
However they now want to send gifts to DC - who now doesnt recognise them, (not yet 3 and it's been almost a year)
AIBU to refuse to give my children gifts from strangers who care so little they won't see them because it's no longer on their terms?
DH has told them not to send presents if they won't bother to visit, but they said they still will as it's 'all they have left'
Huge backstory - NC since before new GC was born because of way MIL spoke about me. DH has given them 101 olive branches but they refuse to apologise and have now told all family how heartbroken they are that I've banned them from seeing kids!
WWYD?

OP posts:
Widowodiw · 06/11/2019 23:33

Nope you are not i do the same with my mil just a different situation. She thinks she can be a presents nanny- but we don’t want her presents my kids needed her time and the most horrible time in their little lives and she wasn’t there or even asked after them. You will however need to be truthful with your children about it to avoid any comeback when they are older ie why you don’t have contact etc.

Original poster
Betty1119 · 06/11/2019 23:38

Thank you.
A 3 year old doesn't need a shitty gift in the post. I'm not prepared to hand over presents when I was left to explain why they cut him out like he never existed!

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 06/11/2019 23:43

At my workplace, they collect toys at christmas to hand over to a local charity that helps underprivileged children. That would be a constructive sort of thing to do with the unwanted gifts.

altiara · 06/11/2019 23:46

YANBU. I’d probably get DH to contact all of his family to let them know your side of things as I wouldn’t be able to let that go.
Did they know you had to go to A&E? Think you missed an opportunity there to say why they couldn’t see the DC unsupervised.

Piffle11 · 07/11/2019 05:18

We are no contact with some of DH’s family. At first they sent DC gifts, but I sent them back via another relative and said we didn’t want them. They have stopped now, but still send a card. I recognise their writing and throw the card in the bin. We don’t want anything from them. If they had persisted in sending it, I would have given them to charity.

katewhinesalot · 07/11/2019 05:23

Tell them not to. If they insist, I'd just save the gifts and pretend they are from us at Christmas and birthdays.

PlanDeRaccordement · 07/11/2019 05:44

I would allow the presents because is more strictly supervised and less access than what you asked for from the grandparents.

It seems petty to demand more contact in form of visits in order for them to be permitted to send their grandchildren presents.

If you are worried presents may be bad, open them and rewrap them after you have inspected and approved them. Don’t give them any presents you think are bad for them and inform grandparents.

Many families live too far apart for visits and so presents and cards is how children develop a supervised relationship with their grandparents.

PlanDeRaccordement · 07/11/2019 05:47

Your DC is also still a baby. There has been no contact since A&E incident for very little time. Time goes fast for old people. Three years is a blink of an eye. There is still decades of time for him to get to know his/her grandparents.

ChilledBee · 07/11/2019 07:56

Do you think they were negligent when your child was unwell

Nanny0gg · 07/11/2019 08:06

I don't understand why you allowed them to have such a little one for overnight visits when they were so awful.

If they insist on sending presents give them to the Sally Army. They'll go to a child that needs them

francienolan · 07/11/2019 08:17

Very confused abiut why visits were allowed when you were no contact with them? Either they're people you want relationships with or not. If they're so bad you don't want to see them, why expose your children to it overnight?

Original poster
Betty1119 · 07/11/2019 08:25

I was NC because of the way MIL spoke about me. DH had LC but we continued to allow them to have a rel with DC because we thought that was right.
However each visit would raise a problem - putting a nappy on, when he came home with a temp and it wasn't mentioned and only when asked did they say he had been sick! Sending an uncle to collect him, not saying until he was on his way and then when DC got back to there's 2 hrs away", they didn't turn up for a further 2 hrs!!
Countless other isues but they build up!

Now we've said contact will be with DH present only and they've said they would rather have no contact than be supervised! But they still want to send gifts to a child they can't be bothered to see and I'd like to tell them where to sick their gifts! Especially after how MIL has treated me when pregnant!

OP posts:
ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 07/11/2019 08:25

Tbh I think its abit much expecting constant contact when the dc where with their grandparents. I say this as a mother of three. It is possible he came down with something in the morning..Just the other day my dd suddenly got I'll temp and starting vomiting later in the day but prior to be going to work she was ok. I wonder if theres been fault of both sides here and everyone is too stubborn to mend fences. Its very easy to jump on the mil bashing wagon but I think theres more to it.

MysweetAudrina · 07/11/2019 08:31

I would let them have the presents. I think it is strange that you send your ds with them at such a young age with neither of you present especially given the background. They are probably hurt and it seems like there is alot of tit for tat going on. Let them send the presents and maybe dh could try and see if they wanted to see him and ds for a day over the Christmas. What harm will a few presents do the child. At least they are thinking of him and want to send him something.

Jessbow · 07/11/2019 08:37

Lots of little things have added up, and all gone in together to form one big 'thing' which upsets you.

From another perspective, ( And just one thing)...You DC is still only 2, and you have been toilet training and requested no nappy- was that really fair? Yes you have a right to want to toilet train yor child, but if the child wasn't staying dry and wee-ing on their carpets, they were probably right to put a nappy on.

They are trying to hang on to what is left- they still want to buy gifts - is that really such a dreadful thing for them to want to do?

You seem to have built a barrier that whatever they do or say, youu are not going to relent- life is too bloody short

ChilledBee · 07/11/2019 08:42

Yes I have to say that you sound like a lot of hard work and impractical ideas

Winterdaysarehere · 07/11/2019 08:43

Just give the gifts to charity.
Not sure what possessed you to subject your impressionable dc to such toxic fuckers.
Luckily for you they didn't seek legal advice about proper contact.

Atalune · 07/11/2019 08:48

I think you’ve been unreasonable.

The nappy thing- well that’s up to them I think....

The uncle picking up, why is that a problem? He is family surely that’s why you let the contact happen to maintain family contact.

Kids get sick so quick at that age.

I feel like from what you have posted they can’t win with you.

Shouldbedoing · 07/11/2019 08:55

I think a lot of posters are lucky enough to be unable to comprehend toxic parents and no contact.
Trust your instincts OP. Or you'll have grandparents undermining you to impressionable teenagers.
A truly loving grandparent would take any crumb of contact offered.

Atalune · 07/11/2019 08:59

A truly loving grandparent would take any crumb of contact offered

I think this sentence highlights perfectly the skewed and selfish views some people have.

I have been no contact with my toxic SIL for years so I do understand.

I think the situation here is about the parents inconsistency in giving generous contact with very young children then trying to micro manage that contact from a distance.

You either trust them or you don’t. And you don’t.

The presents are the only form of contact they have. Only you decide if they are sent with ribbons and not strings.

Original poster
Betty1119 · 07/11/2019 09:01

@Atalune the "nappy thing" is not their decision to make and to undermine the hard work I had done because it didn't suit their plans to keep him in pants!
They were aware in advance I was potty training and asked if they wanted to change visit to following weekend but insisted they would stick to how we had been teaching him.
He was there 5 min and they put a nappy on!
That's unacceptable and a complete disregard for me as his mother

Sending an uncle he barely knows - accompanied with uncles mate that I don't know, to drive my 18m old child 150 miles! To then not be there when he got there? That's ok?

@Jessbow it's not "all that's left" they have been offered visits with DH but that's not good enough

OP posts:
Original poster
Betty1119 · 07/11/2019 09:06

@MysweetAudrina we have offered contact with DH there but they have refused to be "supervised" they wan't DC overnight or not see him at all

OP posts:
UndertheCedartree · 07/11/2019 09:26

It's hard to tell from your OP what the situation really is. On the one hand you say they were awful to you during pregnancy and then you say you let your child at only 6 months old have over night stays with them!

Your examples of what they have done wrong don't seem terrible. You are making a huge song and dance about your 'hard work' in potty training! Child says they want to use toilet, you facilitate it and clear up the accidents - it's not that much of a big deal. If the child has a nappy on for a couple of days it really won't stop them wanting to use the toilet when they are ready.

If you want to go completely NC then ask them not to send presents but if you feel you want to build bridges at one point - I would allow the presents.

Original poster
Betty1119 · 07/11/2019 09:30

@Underthecedartree
2 diff GC
They had Dc1 from 6m contact always given
Rel between MIL & I became worse - NC from 6m pregnant with DC2
Tried to allow contact through DH for DC1 theyve refused

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 07/11/2019 09:41

Toilet training an under two year old? That's just crazy. If the child is having accidents constantly, then they aren't ready. I can completely understand not wanting someone's kid peeing all over the carpet because mum thinks that is the correct age to toilet train.

Wanting constant phone calls is a pain.

I'd love to hear the in-laws side of all of this.