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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to refuse to give DC presents

61 replies

Betty1119 · 06/11/2019 23:29

DH and I are currently NC with MIL & FIL
Things have always been tense (Ive never been welcome) But they have always had full access to GC.
They live hours away and visits were always overnight and every other month (DC only 2 and this has been since 6m old)
Contact was very flexible, generous and to suit them.
They had overnight, full weekend stays without DH there.
However they continuously ignored my very basic requests (dont put a nappy on we are training etc, dont send a stranger to pick them up!) Please text to say they have settled for the evening.etc etc
About 10 months ago MIL and I seriously fell out but they still took DC as planned overnight but didn't call or text.
DC came home with a temp of 40c & we ended up at a&e but nothing was mentioned!
It was decided then that DC would not visit again unsupervised but access was never denied.
But in-laws decided to cut all contact and haven't seen or asked about DC since and said they refuse to be supervised and would rather not see DC againl!
However they now want to send gifts to DC - who now doesnt recognise them, (not yet 3 and it's been almost a year)
AIBU to refuse to give my children gifts from strangers who care so little they won't see them because it's no longer on their terms?
DH has told them not to send presents if they won't bother to visit, but they said they still will as it's 'all they have left'
Huge backstory - NC since before new GC was born because of way MIL spoke about me. DH has given them 101 olive branches but they refuse to apologise and have now told all family how heartbroken they are that I've banned them from seeing kids!
WWYD?

OP posts:
Justapatchofgrass · 07/11/2019 09:47

You are toilet training a child who was not yet/just 2.

This must be made up,

ChilledBee · 07/11/2019 09:49

Yeah you sound like a nightmare. I think you probably make a relationship with their GC to big if a price to pay. I bet they'd love to but are rightly not going to do it on your ridiculous terms.

Hubby will be the next to join their side and you'll be alone soon.

Hahaha88 · 07/11/2019 09:49

If I'm honest, you sound like a bit of a drama and I too would be interested in hearing the in laws side.

ChilledBee · 07/11/2019 09:51

I reckon my youngest might be toilet trained around 2 but that is because she has 2 (just) older brothers and she seen them go through the motions not so long ago and wanted to join in.

Nanny0gg · 07/11/2019 09:55

Nightmare?

How?

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 07/11/2019 09:56

After you're further updates I'm in agreement with the other posters, just a short overview of you're responses suggests to me you're extremely hardwork espeically trying to toilet train a 2 year old and even you're responses to other posters. I suspect you're quite highly strung hence why you butt heads. You seem to want to control everything. Who's idea was it going nc over something so silly? It reminds me of the other thread where the op took dislike to her husbands parents made him go nc and kicked off when he got back in touch. She ended up on her own after her dh had enough. Don't forget op you may not like them but those people are still his parents. It sounds like they refuse to bow down to you're commands.

Nomorechickens · 07/11/2019 09:56

I don't understand why you let them have your DC overnight and let the uncle and friend take them and drive them somewhere 2 hours away. Yanbu to not let them have unsupervised access, they don't sound at all responsible.

frazzledasarock · 07/11/2019 10:05

Can’t get past the fact you sent your six month old for overnight stays with someone both you and your dh are low to no contact with.

You sound very unreasonable just for that.

Userzzzzz · 07/11/2019 10:09

Like others I suspect there have been two sides to this. You were pretty early for potty training by the sounds of things and i wouldn’t have taken such a little one to someone else’s house without some pull-ups. The contact arrangements were always a bit odd. I love my in-laws dearly and they are amazing with my toddler who stays with them regularly but I wouldn’t have sent my 6mo for overnight visits. I suspect my second child will go once she’s about 18m. It was an arrangement that was always going to be a bit fraught.

I also don’t believe the older one has forgotten who they are in a year if they spent that much time with them. What harm can allowing them to send gifts do?

Dinoctoblock · 07/11/2019 10:19

TBH I wouldn’t have gone along with any sort of visits for my DC, overnight or otherwise, with people I didn’t have a relationship with. I think if you and/or the GP want the DC to have a proper relationship with them then you and your DH need to figure out how to have a relationship with them first. Maybe this is not possible, and therefore the DC will not see their GP, which may well be the best outcome, I have no idea on that.

As far as the presents go, I wouldn’t make a big fuss about them. Accept and donate to charity.

Atalune · 07/11/2019 11:16

betty. Ok the nappy thing I can understand. They didn’t back you up.

Can you explain why you’ve given such generous contact for such young children so far away? It just doesn’t seem quite....right? I can’t get my head around that.

Winterdaysarehere · 07/11/2019 11:33

Imo they wanted unsupervised to make a case for them to take you to court.

Regular overnight contact could lead to a permanent court order.

Better to have stopped. Though ridiculous to have started.
Stop giving them head space.

MereDintofPandiculation · 07/11/2019 11:57

Now we've said contact will be with DH present only and they've said they would rather have no contact than be supervised! But they still want to send gifts to a child they can't be bothered to see Well. it's hardly "can't be bothered" is it? You've said they can only see GC if supervised, ie in a highly artificial environment. Maybe the presents are an act of war, maybe they're a couple of GP wanting to maintain some link with GC in case things improve in the future. But to say "they can't be bothered" in this situation is a gross distortion, maybe because you're trying add more justification to your stance.

AhNowTed · 07/11/2019 11:59

@Winterdaysarehere

What are you talking about??

They want to take her to court?? Where the hell did you get that from 😂

Cheeseandwin5 · 07/11/2019 12:00

Have to agree with the others, you seem hell bent on destroying the relationship and have succeed.
What they have done seems fairly ok. Why should they want a baby potty training in their house? Why cant an uncle (stranger ?/WTF) pick the children up ? KIds get sick- if they got sick with you, would you be OK with your DH telling you off? Infact if your DH asked you to do all the things you have asked your MIL would you be ok with it?
In the end it will be your kids that suffer as much as your MIL and DH.
I hope its worth being able to control everyone

AhNowTed · 07/11/2019 12:00

There's definitely two sides to this story.

EKGEMS · 07/11/2019 12:12

Oh yes here we go there's THAT poster who has to be a pain in the arse and say "There's always two sides to a story!" If you disbelieve the OP why are you on here?

Icecreamsoda99 · 07/11/2019 12:13

He was there 5 min and they put a nappy on!
How do you know this?

LagunaBubbles · 07/11/2019 12:20

nappy thing" is not their decision to make and to undermine the hard work I had done because it didn't suit their plans to keep him in pants!

Potty training shouldn't be "hard work". If it is your child simply isn't ready.

Atalune · 07/11/2019 12:27

EGKS. It’s a discussion forum 🤷🏻‍♀️

Nicknacky · 07/11/2019 12:33

Why the rush to potty train? And how do you know the nappy was put on in 5 mins?

If you time toilet training right then it can be done really quickly with few accidents.

EKGEMS · 07/11/2019 13:30

It's an advice forum and it boggles the mind when the OP's narrative is questioned

Bloomburger · 07/11/2019 14:09

No presents, no contact no fuss. Easy, no lines can be crossed and it takes the stress out of the situation.

slapmyarseandcallmemary · 07/11/2019 14:22

We are nc with in laws. Huge, horrible backstory, but essentially haven't spoken to them since our DS first Christmas eve, where they thought because they weren't getting their own way, that it was appropriate to hand us an eviction notice (they owned our property) and say "merry christmas" our ds was 8 months old. They then gave presents for him, which we left when we moved out. She claimed we were horrible, I said I wouldnt accept presents from the woman who had made us homeless. We haven't spoken since. I am with you on this. I wouldnt accept them either. It is sad that so many families are NC but the stress we used to have having them in our lives, being controlling and coercive, is not missed.

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 07/11/2019 14:26

Tbh you can tell theres two sides in this story and underlining issues as you can many threads we dont all have to agree with op either and can give other POV.