For background, best friend (A) and I grew up together. I met DH and introduced her to a friend of his, who is now her DH (B).
We’re all married for close to 10 years and have DC. Every now and then I see behaviours in B that make me feel worried. B is a doctor, this is relevant. For context, B and I do not see eye to eye at all and have had ‘heated debates’ in the past. An example is B insisting that ‘women’ are all ‘depressed now’ because of the dual expectations of working in and out of the home, therefore it was better when they didn’t have the opportunity. A says he said it to wind me up, as he finds it funny that I’m a staunch feminist. I’m not sure if my underlying dislike of B is colouring my opinion. Some examples of things which bother me:
- A sometimes let’s slip details of their finances. I noticed A has been very careful with money since becoming a SAHM last year, for eg she doesn’t have some winter clothing etc. We went shopping together and she let slip that since becoming a SAHM B hasn’t allowed her access to any of his accounts. He transfers a (in my opinion) very small amount of money to her account and she has run through her own savings. As he’s often non-contactable at work, she saves this money as a buffer in case she needs to do some emergency shopping etc for the baby. So won’t spend on herself. Worse still he’s made it her fault, telling her she is irresponsible with money. This is not consistent with my knowledge of A from childhood. Also, A doesn’t know this but my DH told me that B ran up significant debt in uni and after, and was bailed out each time by his wealthy father.
- after A had a baby, she suffered post part in depression. B continued to work insane hours and didn’t take leave. A left to spend time with her parents, to support her. It came out that whilst she was away, B was staying overnight at an ex’s house. The ex was his last relationship before A. Again, when A confronted him, he insists A is in the wrong for not being ‘evolved’ enough to look past jealousy, and makes A feel petty. This has happened multiple times.
- he will outright deny things. Small example, they moved into a house which hadn’t been cleaned. Anyone could see it was dirty. He just kept repeating ‘there’s no dirt’ and refused to acknowledge that cleaning was required, so he didn’t have to do any of it.
- he will use being a doctor as a trump card. For example, when A was in hospital post birth he didn’t let her access any mental health/ breastfeeding support as he’s a doctor and knows better than nurses/ midwives. Last year, he tried to force me to give medication to my DD (under the recommended age) because he’s a doctor and knows better. He had a huff and we had words when I refused. I apologised in the end but didn’t medicate DD. He massively encouraged A to leave her part time job and be a SAHM.
- this is the trickiest one. A had some MH issues when we were young. For whatever reason she has not told B about them. She also didn’t seek help for her postpartum depression and he encouraged her not to.
- he does NOTHING around the house as she is SAHM and he’s a busy doctor. I appreciate this is none of my business but with everything else makes me wary.
No one IRL agrees with me. B is very charming and very extravagant with gifts etc. He is always making grand philosophical statements about ‘helping the sick’ etc but as far as I can see won’t extend that to his own wife and kid. A lot of stuff, A tells me in confidence so I don’t share with DH. Worse of all, A is completely in awe of B and won’t ever hear him criticised.
Am I being silly? Or should I be concerned?