First date, have I done the right thing?

[gromberry]

Hi, I will try to keep this short!

I am a 34 year old single mum of an 18 mo DD. My STBX DH (together for 12 years, married for 2) left us when DD was 5 weeks old. He told me when I was 6 months pg that he thought he'd made a mistake getting married and having kids, stuck it out for just over a month and then fucked off to start a new life in London. He has expressed some interest in being a part of her life lately, and I have met up with him a couple of times in cafes with DD so he can spend time with her. But generally, he is not part of her life.

When he left, I moved back in with my parents, and they have been amazing. They have made DD and I so welcome, and it is lovely to see the bond between DD and her grandparents. She adores them. I miss having my own space, and I struggle with feeling infantilised (living in my childhood bedroom etc), and I have started to look at flats to rent close by. My parents think I should stay with them, so they can support me, and that it is better for DD. However, if I want to rebuild an adult life, I know I need to stand on my own feet sooner or later.

I have started to use dating apps, and matched with a guy who seems nice. He suggested that we go for a drink tomorrow. I'm excited/nervous, but mainly feeling really worried about how to explain my situation. 'Hi, I'm a single mum of a toddler, and I live with my parents!' I didn't make it clear that I'm a mum on my profile - perhaps I should have done- but I just feel like I can't imagine many blokes being interested in me if I did? Once I'm a real person in front of them then that might change things, and they might think that the extra 'baggage' is worth it, but what guy actively seeks out a woman with a toddler from a previous marriage?

Am I thinking about this all wrong? Should I have put it on my profile, or is it ok to be coy?

Woah, that was not short at all, was it. Sorry

Has he said whether he's a father? Whether he has his own place? It's a first date, not an arranged marriage; take it a step at a time.

Most people in their 30's have kids or some form of baggage. Whether that be teenagers from when they were really young, or toddlers from recent failed first marriages/flings/relationships/whatever. I really wouldn't worry about it. But you'll have to have a thicker skin than if you didn't have kids, because to a number of guys it may be an issue. But if it is, so what, they weren't the right guy then!

I think you should put it on your profile as it’s quite a big thing. If you don’t some men might feel a bit duped if you’re not upfront about it. If I went on a date and then the guy suddenly revealed he had a child I wouldn’t be happy at all, sorry

Don’t advertise it- don’t hide it too long into the date but equally I wouldn’t disclose on an app in case it attracted the wrong person.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers that has crossed my mind too, online dating can be a grim place 😞

@Andysbestadventure good point, I keep thinking my situation is quite unusual, but it isn't really is it. Especially now she's a bit older

I never put that I had kids in my profile but I’d disclose early into chatting that I did - causally like “oh just come back from the school run” type stuff. Some men really aren’t interested in women with children and that’s totally their choice so it’s fair to let them have that information. I’d try to find a way to drop it in before your date if I could or you’ll just be worrying about how to break it when you’re there.

I had almost the same circumstances as you, started dating when my dd was 18 months old (her father had never been involved) I was upfront about being a mum, went on a few dates then met an amazing man. We’ve been together two years now and we’re all moving in together this month. So it can happen
pp have said about not putting the fact you have a child on your profile, but the way I see it, they’ll find out soon enough, you have plenty of time to suss them out and obviously wouldn’t introduce them for a long time so I don’t see how that really makes a difference

Also I would worry less about what they might think about you and more about if they’re good enough for you and your dc

Yes - drop it In conversation when you start texting someone if you don’t want to put it in your bio.

But honestly I would say a lot of guys wouldn’t be overly surprised if a 34yr old has kids.

Prepare yourself for online dating. It can be brutal to be perfectly honest. Look at it as a bit of fun - and you never know what may happen. I ended up meeting my Dh locally after dating online at age 35. He didn’t have kids, I had 2. It had not been a problem at all! Now 11 weeks with my 3rd his 1st.

If you don't put it in your profile you should certainly drop it into conversation/text before you meet up.

I'm not dating, but if I were I wouldn't date anyone with children younger than mine, and that's something I'd want to know ASAP.

In my experience, men are interested in the woman and if they’re really interested, they can accept whatever her circumstances are. I wouldn’t worry OP

Realistically you will probably have another 50-100 dates coming up, take it all as practice until you meet someone you want to see for several dates. Less pressure on you this way!

My profile said I was happy with life, had friends, a job and DC, but wanted to meet someone to build a friendship with that led to more. I think brief and honest is better.

Do not trust anyone unless you have met several times in person and checked out their online profiles and even then keep yourself safe (meet in public places).

I met my now husband via a dating app. At the time I was also a single mother, living with her parents and sharing a bedroom with her 2 year old. Fast forward to present day, we are happily married, he is a fantastic step dad and we have another daughter together with another baby on the way. Dont be put off, it can definitely work but I think being upfront so everyone knows what they're getting into is probably for the best

I agree with the others about mentioning it before meeting up. Even if it’s not on your profile just as you are messaging casually. I wouldn’t want to date someone with kids personally so would rather know before meeting up.

@Confuddledtown that is really nice to hear, as that is my absolute dream scenario

I lived at home for years and most men are fine with kids but nothing went anywhere as I couldnt move onto the next step of maybe having them over for a film or takeaway and so on, maybe stay home and little longer and then move on but good luck on your date

Ok I'm starting to think that I should maybe message him before the date. I will be really disappointed if he backs out though, I've stupidly really built this up in my head

I wouldn’t message him about it. Just go on the date and see how it goes. You’re putting way too much pressure on yourself! Maybe view this as a trial run!

Do you know if he has children?

I find it comes up naturally when you are chatting online but as it obviously hasn’t, I would probably mention it casually before the date.

You’re making a mistake by building things up in your head. It’s one date you might not even like him.

@Everydaylife he hasn't mentioned any, but then again neither have I...
To be honest we have mainly only talked about our favourite biscuits. He likes custard creams

Don’t message him before.

Meet him and gauge what to say when.

Casually drop it it, oh I was all most late as I had to put my child to bed!

Or not...: you don’t owe him a full detailed history yet!

Enjoy the date.

I always let online dates I have kids before the first date... can you causally mention the babysitter etc?