First date, have I done the right thing?

[gromberry]

Hi, I will try to keep this short!

I am a 34 year old single mum of an 18 mo DD. My STBX DH (together for 12 years, married for 2) left us when DD was 5 weeks old. He told me when I was 6 months pg that he thought he'd made a mistake getting married and having kids, stuck it out for just over a month and then fucked off to start a new life in London. He has expressed some interest in being a part of her life lately, and I have met up with him a couple of times in cafes with DD so he can spend time with her. But generally, he is not part of her life.

When he left, I moved back in with my parents, and they have been amazing. They have made DD and I so welcome, and it is lovely to see the bond between DD and her grandparents. She adores them. I miss having my own space, and I struggle with feeling infantilised (living in my childhood bedroom etc), and I have started to look at flats to rent close by. My parents think I should stay with them, so they can support me, and that it is better for DD. However, if I want to rebuild an adult life, I know I need to stand on my own feet sooner or later.

I have started to use dating apps, and matched with a guy who seems nice. He suggested that we go for a drink tomorrow. I'm excited/nervous, but mainly feeling really worried about how to explain my situation. 'Hi, I'm a single mum of a toddler, and I live with my parents!' I didn't make it clear that I'm a mum on my profile - perhaps I should have done- but I just feel like I can't imagine many blokes being interested in me if I did? Once I'm a real person in front of them then that might change things, and they might think that the extra 'baggage' is worth it, but what guy actively seeks out a woman with a toddler from a previous marriage?

Am I thinking about this all wrong? Should I have put it on my profile, or is it ok to be coy?

@PumpkinP I know I'm being totally ridiculous. He could be dreadful. But part of my brain keeps going 'maybe he is going to be the one'. I basically need to go to bed now and stop being so daft

Ok this is going to sound overly dramatic but I worked in child protection for 7 years ( police) and I would never advertise the fact that I was a single parent in a dating profile. There are a certain sort of man who is attracted to women who might be a bit vulnerable ( not saying that’s you OP) and then there’s the rare individual who will be interested in gaining access to your child. It’s perfectly reasonable to leave disclosure to the first date and if they’re not interested because of it too bad. Safety first always.

@Divebar such a horrible thought, but very good advice. Thank you

I don’t mention my children on my profile, but almost always drop it into conversation when messaging before a date. Lots of men don’t want to date women with children, so I don’t want to waste my time meeting them if that’s going to be the case. Once, I didn’t say anything before the date and had to casually drop it into conversation, and that felt awkward and clunky. It was fine, and we had several more dates, but I’d rather it was on the table beforehand.

Also, I wouldn’t like it if I was blindsided with that info in the middle of a great date, so don’t think it’s fair to do it to someone else.

Having kids needs to be put in your bio (most OLD sites have a section for that). At a bare minimum, it needs to be mentioned before a date.
Otherwise, it's just a waste of everyone's time; it's a major thing to take into consideration when choosing to date someone.

When I was doing OLD I'd have been deeply uncomfortable if someone had let it get to date stage before mentioning they had children.

I was not interested in being in a relationship with someone who had children - a completely valid preference - and it would have been very unfair to be put in that situation.

Yes on the sites I use I always check if they have children as it is usually a category you fill in at the start of your profile.

I think it's really far fetched to suggest citing that you have children is dangerous. Millions of people have children. The majority of 30+ people have children. It's one of the absolute basic facts you need to know about someone before deciding whether you want to date them or not. I've been on dating sites for about two months now, there's just a check box for it you have kids.

I just sent him a message telling him. He has seen it, waiting for a reply. V nervous

It’s a different situation for single dads... they’re much less likely to be concerned about women dating them to get access to their children, but I can assure you it’s a very real concern for women. By all means mention it during texts but I would not mention them in the profile.

I figure from the safety point of view, im telling him after we have matched, rather than putting it on my profile

Aaaah guys, he just got back to me and said he doesn't have a problem with it! Phew! He said that he saw from my profile that I was a mum...perhaps he meant that there is a pushchair in the background of one of my photos? 🤔

Anyway, all I need now is for him to be my soulmate/love of my life and everything will be sorted. Lol. Wish me luck for tomorrow!

I hope it goes well tomorrow.

Good luck tomorrow, hope it goes well

Well done, OP!
Good luck 🤞

Good luck with the date and please update us!

OLD is a minefield but can also be a lot of fun. I met my DP online and if it can work for me it can work for anyone! If I could give a few pieces of advice it would be;

• Vet them through messages beforehand...discreetly. You can gauge quite a lot through chat.

• Pick a date with good spelling and grammar.

But most importantly, remember you are the prize!

Don't give too much information out about yourself or your private life. Remember these are strangers to you and your DD. A first date is basically an interview situation.
Are you attracted to him ? Did you have a spark? if you have good vibes and like the guy then maybe on a second date start talking about work or your family.
Do not tell a stranger about yourself unless you have met them and feel comfortable.

Thanks @Gottobefree, very sensible advice. Also @LetsPlayDarts 'you are the prize' is going to be my mantra for the evening!! I will update you all tonight

I agree with disclosing children. I don't date men with young kids as mine are well and truly past that stage. I'd be annoyed you'd wasted my time if i'm honest.

Just read your update - Phew. Have a lovely time OP

@gromberry - that's what I had to do! Seriously, never apologise to anyone about your circumstances...you are what you are. If he is a decent guy he will completely understand your living arrangements.

Hope it all goes well OP, I have been in your situation!

And I think not putting it on your profile is the right thing too.

Have fun op , keep us updated