First date, have I done the right thing?

[gromberry]

Hi, I will try to keep this short!

I am a 34 year old single mum of an 18 mo DD. My STBX DH (together for 12 years, married for 2) left us when DD was 5 weeks old. He told me when I was 6 months pg that he thought he'd made a mistake getting married and having kids, stuck it out for just over a month and then fucked off to start a new life in London. He has expressed some interest in being a part of her life lately, and I have met up with him a couple of times in cafes with DD so he can spend time with her. But generally, he is not part of her life.

When he left, I moved back in with my parents, and they have been amazing. They have made DD and I so welcome, and it is lovely to see the bond between DD and her grandparents. She adores them. I miss having my own space, and I struggle with feeling infantilised (living in my childhood bedroom etc), and I have started to look at flats to rent close by. My parents think I should stay with them, so they can support me, and that it is better for DD. However, if I want to rebuild an adult life, I know I need to stand on my own feet sooner or later.

I have started to use dating apps, and matched with a guy who seems nice. He suggested that we go for a drink tomorrow. I'm excited/nervous, but mainly feeling really worried about how to explain my situation. 'Hi, I'm a single mum of a toddler, and I live with my parents!' I didn't make it clear that I'm a mum on my profile - perhaps I should have done- but I just feel like I can't imagine many blokes being interested in me if I did? Once I'm a real person in front of them then that might change things, and they might think that the extra 'baggage' is worth it, but what guy actively seeks out a woman with a toddler from a previous marriage?

Am I thinking about this all wrong? Should I have put it on my profile, or is it ok to be coy?

Yeah, I wouldn’t put it in a profile either but I’d mention it before a first date.

To me it’s like when I apply for jobs. If I already have a job then I’ll mention factors like my disability up front. I don’t need to, and maybe it will stop me from getting the job, but if they’re unsupportive then I don’t want to work for them anyway.

Obviously I don’t mean having kids is like having a disability! But speaking from experience of my own parents, you definitely don’t want to be with someone who wishes you didn’t have a child. It’s fine if you’re looking for something casual. But if you are looking for a relationship, I’d want to be sure upfront that they feel positive about you having a child rather than them just “putting up with it” because they like you.

Good luck - try not to get your hopes up, relax and have a fun time!

It doesn't have to be in your profile, but I'd drop it beforehand. It will be a deal-breaker to a lot of guys and you'll save yourself a lot of awkwardness when it comes up during the date.
Especially if you're looking for a relationship. In reality you're going to encounter a lot of men who aren't suitable anyway. A big filter like this will save you a lot of time.
You're probably not going to struggle to find men willing to go on dates. They're extremely abundant and not very choosy as a group on dating sites.

I agree with not putting it on your profile. The danger of someone trying to gain access to your child is there. But it's not only that. Sadly there are certain men who have the perception that a single mum is "desperate" and will take what she can get. So you would attract a lot more of the type who are just looking for a one night stand. Or there's the "cocklodgers" who feel single mums offer a ready made home without them having to make any financial input, do housework etc.

The time when you're chatting prior to the date is the best time to disclose imo. Anyone who doesn't understand why you wouldn't want it on your profile is best swerved anyway. Good luck for tomorrow!

Good luck OP. Please keep your boundaries on the date. Don't feel like because your a mum you're somehow the desperate one and he holds all the cards. I bet you are a catch! Be yourself but stay a teeny bit guarded until you know this guy better. I hope it goes well

But, doesn't that danger only present itself depending on what you do next?
For example,
I'm on OLD, and I'm happy to disclose that I have tweens and don't want anymore, and I'm looking for a man who also doesn't want anymore. I will be going on dates outside of the house without my kids, if we have sex it will be outside of my house. I have no plans for them to meet my kids, nor live with them, nor have any involvement with them certainly for a good few years.
For sure if you plan on inviting a new man to move in with you within two minutes it's different.
My point is, I don't think the danger is in including it in your profile, thr danger is letting the man meet your dc too quickly.

I would send a message to him before your date.

‘Hey, before we meet tonight I just wanted to tell you that I am a mum to a x year old. It’s not something I want on my profile because I’m wary of people who typically look for mothers of young children to date and obviously protecting us is my main priority.
I did however want to be completely transparent before our date and hopefully it hasn’t put you off.
If it’s something you’re not willing to overcome I will completely understand.
Hopefully see you later.

(Because let’s face it, if it did put him off you’ve had a lucky escape) ☺️

I did online dating after my marriage broke down and I didn’t tell any of them I had children before we met. I waited to see if I actually liked them before I mentioned it. I just didn’t see the point in divulging personal information to someone I might meet and hate.

You will need to have a tougher skin than usual when it comes to dating. Many in their thirties do already have children but you’d be surprised how many guys are deterred by it.

Well. He just texted me to cancel. I'm surprisingly gutted, considering that I didn't know him. He said that it was nothing to do with me being a mum, but on reflection he isn't actually wanting to date at all, might be moving cities, etc etc.

I think I'm mainly upset because this experience has made me realise how lonely I am, and how much I want to have a family that is bigger than me and DD. Also I did my hair nice and everything

Wow sorry to hear that op. Does sound like he was making up excuses!

I'm so sorry to hear that op, I'm just setting out on my old journey too, and I hear from friends that this happens a lot. It could be any one of a huge number of reasons, some not nice (ie already married), some to do with him (maybe anxiety about his own looks, maybe as he said it isn't the right time for him) and nothing to do with you whatsoever. You'll probably never know. You can never know what someone else wants to get out of something when you meet them online unfortunately.

Oh what a shame. Still, onwards and upwards. Next time, and there will be a next time, mention DD earlier than the night before the date. And don't build things up in your head - this particular man could have smelt like day old kippers, with an unfortunate voice and sprayed saliva when he spoke.

Ugh, this is what people talk about when they say that you need a thick skin for OLD, OP! I'm sorry, it's really shit. Can you go out with friends instead, so your nice hair isn't wasted and you get a night out?

I'm an OLD veteran and I always put the fact that I had a child in my profile. It's information that I would want to have before dating someone. I take the point about safety and it's always something that I considered and looked out for.

I agree with LetsPlayDarts advice and would add to it that if you are using an app like Tinder and know someone's first name and place of work (it used to be shown on Tinder, not sure if it still is) then it's usually quite easy to find someone on LinkedIn. Once you have their last name, you can give them a proper online stalk.

Also, try to meet up nice and quickly to avoid building them up too much in your mind. Chatting is nice and a good way to get to know someone but you need to meet them to check if there is a spark, or conversely, bad vibes!

Thank you @FavouriteSoul, that makes me feel a bit better. I'm sat here trying to persuade a poorly DD to eat her spag bol when all she wants is to eat is grated cheese, and I just want to burst into tears. Feeling like 'pathetic lonely single mum', which is pretty horrible.

@IToldYouIWasFreaky will definitely try to have a thicker skin from now on, because this wasn't fun at all!

Don’t waste your done up hair- take a good pic and use it as a recent pic for online dating if you’re going to do more or for a confidence builder for you if not!

I’m sorry it hasn’t worked out, but you’re better off without if he’s feeling like that

I know, I've been there, it's a horrible feeling! Very hard to shake off when you've been looking forward to a nice date and built it all up in your mind.

Sorry if I am out of line but what's your social life like generally? Might it be better to try and build that up, get out lots, make some new friends, start new hobbies etc while you are at home with built in babysitters? You might even meet a new boyfriend that way anyway!

@IToldYouIWasFreaky I don't have a social life at all to be honest. Perhaps you're right, I just feel a bit nervous about trying new things. There's a big-ish city half an hour away, id thought about going along to one of those 'meet up' events. Maybe I'll look into it again

@ellendegeneres that's a very good idea! 👍🏻

Sorry that it turned out like this OP.

TBH yes I would put it in my profile, and as PP said, it’s not disclosing on your profile that you have DC, it’s introducing them too quickly that is the issue if you’ve started dating someone who is potentially dangerous.

Also, I don’t think someone not wanting to date someone with kids is a lucky escape. People not wanting to date someone else with kids is perfectly reasonable, I wouldn’t, and you only have to look at the step parenting boards to see the minefield that attempting to blend families is to realise that it’s rarely plain sailing.

I also think that disclosing on your profile gives the opportunity for people not to look rather than to a make up excuses. Because let’s be honest, if someone is a decent person it’s not going to be that easy to come back to a text telling them of children saying “sorry, don’t want to date you then,” is it? Putting it on your profile means that those people wouldn’t get in touch in the first place, and it’s IMO fair to them to do that as much as it’s fair to you to want people not to have an issue.

Just to offer some reassurance OP. He may have cancelled regardless. I'm a fair bit older than you and have done a lot of OLD. I have had many guy's cancel literally an hour or two before the date. I tend to think they got a "better" offer and decided to go with that. They quite often roll around a week or two later (but can be as long as months later!) thinking they can pick up where they left off. So be wary of that!

If he messages you in a week or two's time saying he's thought again/missed to chatting to you, etc. Don't fall for it. Once they flake on you once that's it. I'll be honest, I gave up OLD in the end. It isn't easy and there's a lot of let downs. I remember that feeling well of being all dressed up with nowhere to go, it is gutting.

So sorry your first OLD has gone this way. Managing expectations is really important. Expect little and you won't be badly disappointed.

I did OLD in my mid 30's back in the late Pleistocene a very long time ago when you had to connect with a modem and there were no digital pictures. There were a few disappointments for me too. A few months in I saw a profile on match.com that was just lovely, well written and warm. So I messaged him and pretty much asked him out.

We got married about a year and a half later, have been very happy for 22 years and have two great kids, one at uni and the other going next year. He's the best person I know.

So don't give up. She who dares, wins.

Online dating is brutal. You need a really thick skin. I just got dumped after date 3 as he said I'm too insecure and reminded him of his ex 🙄

The trick is too not get too over invested. Try and meet up quickly instead of loads of messages.

Good luck!

Just married
Met online
All cards were on the table before we met in person
So by the time we went on a date we had all the stuff that may put each other off out of the way
Worked for us

When I was doing OLD I'd have been deeply uncomfortable if someone had let it get to date stage before mentioning they had children.

Very much this.

I consider it lying by omission and a bit shit to be honest.

Op

You sound lovely. Youve got this. I found reading books like date like a man and a couple of others helpful.

There's a good dating thread over in relationships with some good rules to remember about OLD.

You put whatever you want in your profile! Then when you're chatting you can drop it in.

You are a catch and a prize and you will meet someone lovely.

If you can, enjoy the ride as when you're all coupled up again you can look back and think well I did have a good time. I found old ultimately very enjoyable as a single mum. Dont let one cancelled date let you down. Hope you took some great pics and his loss.

You got this