To ask what you think of his messages?

[HeyMrWhite]

For a while now a colleague and I have been exchanging very flirtatious WhatsApp messages, but we don’t actually see each other a lot because he is field based and I am office based. He suggested going out for a drink for my birthday which is in a few weeks as he will be in the area. I decided to take the bull by the horns as such and ask the context of this drink/dinner. From his replies, I’m thinking I forced him into turning it into a “date date” and he doesn’t really want that 🙈 What do you think?

He’s totally up for it! It’s been a long time since anyone called me distractingly hot (or anything similar!) but I still know that’s date date talk! So now (just to echo pp’s you need to stop the self deprecating stuff and enjoy yourself!)! Good luck 😉

It's a date-date.

Go.

Enjoy.

Report back.

(Oh & please update the thread when you do.. !!)

I spent all day and up to the point of the date with dp thinking I should cancel.
Well I didn't and we are still happily together with a lo.
He told me he was so scared I wasn't going to like him or cancel.
So remember men feel nervous too.

It was actually me who went up to him in the first place, a moment of girl power lol
He said he watched me all night but never believed I would be interested.

Have fun

You don’t work for Macdonalds do you?

If no, you’ve got a date. Just go and enjoy it for heavens sake.

Your Whatsapp background is headache inducing.

I’m more concerned with the posters that think these messages are sweet. The messages read as if OP has extremely low self esteem and is maybe quite needy? You clearly don’t want to cancel but assume you are going to mention cancelling so he can say nooooo please don’t! The messages are concerning that a woman of 30 (?) just guessing as you were in a 10 year relationship from 19 doesn’t know how to engage with the opposite sex without putting herself down or deferring to him to take the lead. You asked him out he said yes you should have gone on the date and see what happened. No big will they won’t they Ross and Rachel drama needed!

For what it’s worth... yes I have low self esteem. I was in a relationship with a narcissist which was incredibly emotionally abusive. I don’t need that pointed out to me and to be belittled by people. I’ve put up with enough of that in my life.

And the thought of cancelling just to make him say “nooooo please don’t cancel” never even entered my head! I was considering cancelling because of some of the replies on here making me feel like shit.

To those of you who have replied with anything helpful - thank you very much. I do appreciate it. I’ll update this thread after the date.

Oh god, don't cancel this!

On a first date as we were saying goodbye I asked if he wanted to get married and have kids. He looked surprised. I clarified he didn't have to marry me.

Married for 20 years and have three children .

Good luck and great story for the wedding speech.

I’ve actually said to him before that I’m not into casual flings or one night stands

He'll see that as a challenge then.

Also, didn't you ask him out rather than the other way around?

(how do you cope with that hectic background on your WhatsApp, I can hardly read it!)

I think it's cute OP!

Yes it's a date-date, yes he clearly wants a date-date, no you didn't force him into it!

Try not to overthink things, lol.

On a slight tangent, how do you read messages with such a colourful, busy background! My eyes hurt looking at that!!

For what it’s worth... yes I have low self esteem. I was in a relationship with a narcissist which was incredibly emotionally abusive. I don’t need that pointed out to me and to be belittled by people. I’ve put up with enough of that in my life.

No one is belittling you at all. We are just pointing out to you that you are leaking this information by micro-cues of the sort noted like joking about pity dates.

You should treat this as helpful advice and not be touchy about it and say "you don't need it pointed out" or you feel "belittled".

What we are saying is be aware you are leaking this information and don't do it. Fake it till you make it. Imagine you are playing the part of a woman of high self esteem. What would she do? She wouldn't be joking about him feeling sorry for her or having a pity date or be pressing a man to say whether it was a date date. She would assume of course he's interested in me because I am catch. Of course its a date until he tells me otherwise. Of course it's not a pity date.

Watch this going forward. As I said in my post above, watch it after the date as well. If you want to text him immediately with a great date hope to see you soon you mentioned liking sky diving lets sky dive next Sunday just don't. It's the same sort of thing. A confident woman will think what will be will be. If he's truly interested and sees my worth, he will contact me in his own time. If he's not, then he's not for me.

Play that part and it will become who you are - a self assured confident woman.

aw, young love.
Wear what you feel comfortable in and have lovely time

Have a nice birthday OP
Just relax and enjoy a pleasant evening.
He sounds a laugh. I also wouldn't rule out FWB or a ONS if you yourself have just come out of a long and by the sounds of it unpleasant relationship. Use the time now to do you, take some power back, enjoy yourself.

@HeyMrWhite it really wasn’t my intention to belittle you at all, I was saying the posters who are encouraging what I see as unhealthy behaviour and dismissing it as cute as worrying. I can see you have low self esteem and that you maybe over think. I was just trying to get you to relax and maybe back off a bit so you could enjoy a nice date with someone without all the crippling anxieties and second guessing.

OP if that accusation was directed at me then apologies if the tone didn't get through to you correctly. I started by saying how lovely you sound and then shared my thoughts on a type of self deprecation can cause difficulties.

I have low self esteem also and have worked hard over the years to combat it so wanted to share my advice.

I certainly did not belittle you or so anything of the sort. I wouldn't do that because I'm not a dick.

@GuyForks said it better than me:

No one is belittling you at all. We are just pointing out to you that you are leaking this information by micro-cues of the sort noted like joking about pity dates.You should treat this as helpful advice and not be touchy about it and say "you don't need it pointed out" or you feel "belittled". What we are saying is be aware you are leaking this information and don't do it.

People were trying to help you out by sharing their experiences that's all.

I say this with personal experience and this a degree of authenticity.

The reason that you endured so much shit from an abusive ex is good enough reason to get out there and try to allow yourself the possibility tomrealise that not all men are so rancid as your ex. Don’t allow such a negative experience to decimate your future in any way shape or form or you might as well still be trapped in that nightmare.

You only live once.
Make the date a bit more about you and him and less about you.

Don't cancel!

Go and have a tasty cocktail and see what happens :)

You both sound lovely

He avoided clarifying and laughed it off as a date and then flirted sexually do I’d say he wants a shag to be honest

Nobody is trying to belittle you, and to be fair you’ve literally only just acknowledged that you are aware you have low self esteem. It’s not like you’ve said you’re lacking in it and posters have been nasty about it. For all anyone knows you had no idea or didn’t realise you were sending those signals to him. It’s helpful advice, advice you actively sought by posting on a forum! So there’s no need to get prickly over it (though I can understand why it’d sting to realise it is coming across to others if you hadn’t realised). It’s unfair though to say people have ‘made you’ feel like shit, surely you understood by seeking opinions you would get them?

Self esteem isn’t a static fixed thing, you can improve it. Why not spend some time working to improve it so that you’re in a better position emotionally for a future relationship, whoever it’s with? This workbook is fantastic.

www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/Resources/Looking-After-Yourself/Self-Esteem

@HeyMrWhite he is most definitely into you. Reading those messages he comes across really keen.

Please, i beg you, do not cancel this date because of what others have said. Go, drink cocktails, eat some food, and have a damn good laugh and see how it goes.

Good luck, i hope you have a fabulous time x

Wow - some major analysis going on here!

Only thing i see is good, flirty banter - just as it should be, hopefully the date will continue in this vain - who wants a boring date!

Have you been on date yet OP? Just been re-reading this thread as it makes me smile