To ask what you think of his messages?

[HeyMrWhite]

For a while now a colleague and I have been exchanging very flirtatious WhatsApp messages, but we don’t actually see each other a lot because he is field based and I am office based. He suggested going out for a drink for my birthday which is in a few weeks as he will be in the area. I decided to take the bull by the horns as such and ask the context of this drink/dinner. From his replies, I’m thinking I forced him into turning it into a “date date” and he doesn’t really want that 🙈 What do you think?

NOOOOOOO! don't cancel you daft twit.

Just be yourself, if he likes who you are great, if not then he can move on. Go for a drink, take it easy, you are getting to know each other. Just take it slow and see how you get on.

For Pete’s sake just go & see what happens.

He sounds potentially interested, so do you and no one has said anything outrageously awful in the text messages.
Cancelling is a massive over reaction.

Stop with the pushing him back! Although I'm.kind of along the lines of he was thinking drinks and sex but this could lead to more and I agree, cant stand pussy footing around!

He told you that you were looking hot and you don't know whether it's a date? I wouldn't be happy if my husband was telling his totally platonic female lets-meet-for-a-drink-as-friends mates that they were really hot!

Ah old fashioned flirting

I hope it goes well OP

Lol he’s smooth indeed, he’s asked you to invite him and then managed to get you to ask HIM out/suggest the time and date, and then played it a bit evasive when you’ve asked him if it’s a date... but you’re the one who asked him!

I don’t think he sounds suuuuuuper into it so far but you won’t know until you go, I’d just treat it as a fun evening planned with a friend and have a laugh and if that’s your expectations you won’t be disappointed. Don’t get all worked up at the idea it’s a date, it’s just going for a drink with someone. And no need to cancel either, if you’re just getting used to dating I’d use it as good practice at getting back out there, seeing how it feels to dress up and go for drinks with a guy, have some fun.

When I was dating I didn’t put much emphasis on any particular date or guy, just saw it as a fun way to spend a few hours and if that’s all it was I’d still be happy I went, rather then getting all in my head about it wondering and worrying and analysing. Be cool.

he sounds keen but you sound like your being a little hard work about it which I totally understand.

Same situation with my DH - I was going to cancel as I was so nervous but a friend persuaded me to go and now we're 12 years later. What do you have to loose

It's just flirting. He sounds sweet. Maybe you're anxious about dating someone you're reading too much into it.
Go for it, you only live once!

I think he sounds definitely into you and you should stop over-thinking it and enjoy. The preceding messages make it clear he is keen, notjust agreeing. You put him on the back foot a bit, but as PP said he recovered well.

Do be aware though, as everyone else has said, that he may have just been hoping for drinks and a hookup.

Even if he's not just a player out to get laid, it's not a crime to not yet have decided on a full-on commitment with a colleague you don't know very well. Keeping it as "going out for a drink" before deciding if it's a "date" is perfectly reasonable in my opinion (and I'd venture is the practice most women in their thirties would adopt); even if you know someone comparatively well, labelling the very first time you go to the pub as a "date" is a bit OTT and setting yourself up for an early over-commitment if it just doesn't really work. Everyone's always very optimistic about their first "date" with someone they've had good online chemistry with, but it only takes one instance where that online chemistry doesn't translate to teach you to approach with caution and not go in with both feet. That's probably happened to him but not OP, and I think OP just threw him by demanding clarity on that point when most people prefer to approach cautiously.

I don't think you came off badly OP, but you really have no game! There's "I don't like pussyfooting" and then there's "somewhat socially tone deaf". Tread a bit more lightly in future, and keep the words "aloof" and "mystique" in mind.

I hope you go on the date!

For God’s sake there are some fun sponges posting here! It’s very lovely, he clearly likes you, don’t cancel! Go for it, you’ve nothing to lose at all. Make sure you update too 🙂

He’s completely up for it. Have a fabulous time

Awww dont cancel!!!

This is lush and exactly the silly flirty banter I’d expect when you’re in the “fancy each other but being cautious” stage.
It’s a date, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you clarifying, blokes are causal by nature I find.
Go on the date, if he wants to see you again then he’ll ask. Enjoy!

Maybe you steered it a little but dont undermine yourself by apologising for that now.

Play it like " i wanted a date date. Mixed messages not for me"

Lol at the pps saying he doesn’t sound into it - so do you all go round telling people they look hot when you’ve not real interest in them other than a friend / colleague.

Men are allowed to let women ask them out and they’re allowed to let the women set the terms - perhaps he’s naturally forward and gregarious in the work field and wanted reassure this is two way?

I wish my colleagues would tell me I look hot - mostly they ask if I’m tired

It’s a date but he’s being a bit controlling by pushing you into a position where you have to jokingly ask. I don’t like that.

In what world?!

Omg he’s said it’d be a “great idea” to go for food / drinks - immediately he’s said that. You’ve not had to twist his arm.
The fun police are out in force today. Don’t cancel!

Yeh OP just go on date assuming he is happy. Please dont cancel, run yrslf down or apologise for wanting clarity. He knows now that you like clarity.

He wants a proper date.

He sounds like he likes you but please try and play it cool a bit more I was cringing reading what you wrote. I would have gone for the drinks and it would have become clear if it was a date date or a friendship.. I’m not trying to be mean but you come across a bit desperate in the message especially as he could have put you out of your misery and said it was a date straight away instead you had to ask 3 times... I’m honestly not trying to be mean but please OP just calm down and play it cool a bit.

I agree with @Witchinaditch 's post above.

Now you've posted the earlier texts, it was you that was the person that tied the date down by suggesting date/ food. If he was keen he'd be asking.

I agree as well with the posts that say joking about 'a pity date' (and your earlier text about him feeling sorry for you) micro-conveys a level of desperation and self-esteem issues. This sort of thing is very subtle but people pick up on these kind of cues without even knowing they are.

Please don't make jokes that suggest you are less than. Can you imagine someone like Angelina Jolie or Margaret Thatcher or Bette Davis making jokes like that? No because confident women just wouldn't. It would be more like they are offering a pity date to the man who is lucky enough to beg 5 minutes of their time.

It's one of the reasons why it is a very bad idea to start discussing how exes treated you badly or were abusive with a new partner at the start of a relationship before you know someone well. A certain kind of man will absorb this information and treat it as a micro-cue that you will accept poor treatment.

Don't cancel the date. He is obviously interested in you.
Do be cool with your actions though It's fine to be enthusiastic and happy with him. I'm not saying be an ice queen on the date. I'm saying be cool with your actions after the date. Wait for him to suggest a second date. Don't immediately text him going thanks for a great night hope we can do it again. You need to see if he is bothered enough to take it forward himself.

Awww that’s made me smile - enjoy op

You sound lovely OP and I hope you have a fun date

Just to echo what others have said, during a short snippet of conversation you've self deprecated a number of times!

• I've nobody to go with
• I'm sure you're busy
• You're just feeling sorry for me
• Is this a date date
• Is this a pity date
• Totally up to you if it's a date or non date

Self deprecating something many of us do, but while your comments were clearly jokey, they do definitely give an strong undercurrent of someone with low self esteem who might need a lot of reassurance.

You should absolutely be yourself but just be careful that your tendency to self deprecate doesn't open you up to feeling or being vulnerable when dating

Awww, those messages are SWEET! He's totally into you. Stop being self-conscious and enjoy your date!

Lol, maybe I should just cancel. I’m not used to all of this dating malarkey

Well i reckon thats a shame to cancel now, he's intrested in you and I don't think its just for a FWB or a ONS thing.

If it is and you might possibely like that then just do what you want to do. If you do not see it that way then again, your decision.

OTOH it might be the start of a decent relationship and you've found that very rare thing on the MN board a decent man:)

Faint heart 'ner won fair lady so they used to say;! Works the other way around these days, so it seems from what I see of it.

Actually I'm in the early days of a possible new ralationship and very little texting goes on becase of the language difficulty talk, isnt that olde world these days and the odd written paper letter!, are it seems working quite well and nope, not all men what to jump into bed on the first date it dosn't bother me anymore, one of the joys of being that bit older!

I'm just very intrested in this lady and what and just who she is as a person.

Hope it does work out for you HeyMrWhite:)