to ghost my friend, who has mental health difficulties?

[yellowbasket]

Long term poster, have name changed.

Long story short, I have been friends with said friend for fourteen years. We met when we worked together, just after leaving school. Friend's family fairly emotionally unavailable, and I was relied upon as her main source of support through various inpatient psychiatry admissions etc. Various calls in the middle of the night, with her feeling suicidal, my going to visit her at short notice due to this also.

Lots of personal sacrifice on my part, including her uncle (married, and easily old enough to be my dad) coming onto me at nineteen, when she stayed at my place once, in a particularly difficult spell.

Fast forward many years, her mental illness hasn't really subsided. No recent admissions, but ongoing depressing thoughts, feelings of abandonment, low self esteem, thoughts of self harm etc. It feels that whatever level of support I can offer is never enough, and the need for it never ending.

Over time, I have found this exhausting. The more I engage with texts, calls, the more she calls and the more she 'needs' me. I have my own physical health condition, which can be badly affected by stress.

Over the past two years, I have tried to gradually reduce this contact, from several times daily to daily, to weekly, to monthly etc. I worry that if I tell her how I feel, that she will try to kill herself in response. I thought the phased approach was best.

Two years later, she is still calling me every week. I have not answered in the past year, but she still calls.

What am I to do? She is a nice person I find any contact with her at all exhausting. How do I make this stop?

I dont know if contacting her is the best idea OP. After all this time. I think you need to make that call yourself as only you know if you can handle it or she will react badly.

If you do I would only keep it v short. "I'm not in great place myself now, I dont think I can give you the support you need right now. Can we take a break and text again in six months?" Kind of thing. Then if she keeps on then just repeat it " sorry still not feeling great. I'm no help to anyone right now I'm going to turn off my phones for a few months" and then just block her. In six months you can then see if you miss her or feel better with her not in your life.

I think still the time for a honest truthful chat has sailed but again, I dont see a win situation here. No need for both of you to feel bad. Its turned into a toxic relationship and let's be realistic, that's unlikely to change

@Legoandloldolls Yes you describe the process, thinking and trauma you through when ghosted by someone previously considered a close friend exactly. Particularly in comparing it to a breakup. Having been through a breakup with a long-term partner where I was essentially dumped for someone else, I can honestly say the ghosting felt every bit as painful and actually worse, because I still get along with that ex partner, it was fairly amicable and I was able to put our parting into context, I knew he didn't hate me, whereas I was given zero context with my 'friend'. I cried, moped and went through a grieving process. She broke my heart in a unique way.

One thing the experience gifted me with is that it made me really take stock of my life. It made me question everything. I have a dysfunctional, disconnected family, but I think I realised that the old adage of blood being thicker than water is ultimately true. I have since spent more of my energy on building bridges with them with partial success. I value (and am deeply grateful for) all my remaining friends, but I've realised that you can never really know what people truly think and can never afford to depend on them all to be there 100%. This means there has to be another dimension to life. I also value positive interactions with strangers great deal more. People are very precious.

I certainly see why the OP is finding the relationship a strain and I don't disagree with her ending it. I just think ghosting without at least an explanation, even a brief one, is a very cruel way to proceed. This person must be suffering low self-esteem if she has not got the message and is still calling after all this time. Put her out of her misery with at least a brief goodbye text before moving on, so she can put things into context.

You sound really nasty @yellowbasket Ghosting someone is cruel and if you’re going to do it then you need to woman up and tell her why. Don’t just slope off into the shadows and ignore her, what a horrible way to treat someone who relies on you.

I have a friend like this albeit not as extreme @yellowbasket and I sympathise with at how hard it is to deal with especially when you are the only one left. I’ve had the threats of suicide, the ‘i have no one but you’, the panic if I don’t speak to her every single day that I’ve found a new friend and am ‘leaving’ her. There are times when the mental labour of supporting her is just much too much on top of the rest of my life. We are still friends because she also brings a lot of joy to my life and we have fun together. If she didn’t then I would have to end it something I would not want to do.

I think as others have said the ship has sailed on ghosting - it’s been a year, you’ve already ghosted her. I don’t think you could ever have offered an explanation she would have accepted & I suspect if you told her you needed to focus on you and that you would stop calling/messaging, she’d still have continued to contact you.

I feel desperately sorry for her, how bad must her life be that she is like this but equally as others have said, she is not your responsibility & it seems to me you did all you could.

Again OP please dont this personally but it's just a general thing about ghousting.

In my friends case, one day, out of the blue, in her seemly perfect life her dh just left her and their young kids one morning. No goodbye, no idea there was any problems, no warning. No getting in touch ever again. So now ex friend has my wonders, about him. So maybe if he saw her repeatedly saying "that friendship is done with, serves me no purpose, so why say goodbye?" was that his qmessage of what's normal from her, or what was expected from her? I dont know and that's harsh for me to say but maybe it becomes so normal to some they dont see point in talking or saying goodbye. To that extreme. Maybe, eventually people start to see that as your moral bar and how you want to end things.

Sorry OP that's just a general brain dump, just on the general topic

I've been ghosted. Was the cruelest thing i've experienced. I still torture myself with thoughts that other people in my life can just flip a switch one day, act like I never existed and I wont see it coming. I have never felt so worthless.

By all means end the friendship, it sounds like the right thing for both of you. Leaving her stuck in an endless loop of wondering is unneccesary in my opinion.

I've been ghosted. Was the cruelest thing i've experienced. I still torture myself with thoughts that other people in my life can just flip a switch one day, act like I never existed and I wont see it coming. I have never felt so worthless.

Yep. You recover, but it leaves you with that thread of anxiety that the same thing can happen again

Like others, I would far rather know than be left hoping. Harsh would be fine, as long as not cruel. A letter would be better than a conversation I might have misheard.

"I've got a really hard thing I need to say to you. I need to prioritise my (health and my family) over the next few years. I'm having to be ruthless about this and I'm sad to say, I need to cut contact with you. I will think of you often and kindly and wish you are somewhere getting the help that you need. But I can't answer calls or messages or meet up. "

The OP did NOT ghost this woman, for fuck's sake. She did the gentle fade that Mumsnet so loves recommending, after over a decade of toxic friendship, because she believed that an explanation would be more hurtful or damaging in the situation. She was exhausted and stressed from over a decade of this woman's demands. And still this woman doesn't want to let her go.

This is an abusive relationship and those of you saying the OP is cruel are insane. She has made it very clear that an explanation would just result in suicidal threats, manipulation or worse. She owes this woman nothing. And yes, I have been ghosted by a very close friend. This is not ghosting and this woman is toxic.

Apologies, I haven't read the whole thread but I think ghosting (as in fading away) is ok up until the point when or if someone explicitly asks you why you have ghosted them/why you are not replying, whatever. But ghosting is fine if the other person appears not bothered and doesn't try and sort it out. Maybe they felt the same way after all?

So ghosting is ok but blocking is not.

If someone eventually catches on to your lack of communication and asks why - then, absolutely, you owe them a compassionate explanation.

Blocking is just cowardly and horrible.

You haven't answered her calls in a year.

The ghosting is already complete, and she's obviously still alive.

Block her number or change yours. Job done.

I have a brother with severe mental health issues and I have had to cut him off for years at a time for my own health. I keep it fairly limited now. I’m a mum and have to stay emotionally well for my kids. So I think you’re fine to ghost she needs support elsewhere

@MrsDesireeCarthorse thank goodness for some common sense!

Those calling the OP cruel are totally wrong. The OP has tried to be kind. Has been put in am awful situation and deserves some peace. She did not drop off the planet. She did her best.

No one has suggested she keep her as a friend. I myself have said she should end contact and simply that she be kind about doing it. That is all. In a way I'm endorsing her cutting her off, clearly she can no longer deal with her. Moreover, sending a letter, leaving a text does not require a face to face conversation. The upside of modern communication. Yes she may be hard work, but she has a right to dignity. To understanding. Hell she may learn something from it further down the line and adjust her behaviour with other friendships. But if you just attempt to 'fade' (whatever...) without an explanation, well naturally, the person may still believe there may be some basis for connection. Your 'I'm busy' may be taken at face value. This a person with mental health issues after all. She is still hoping and wishing after a year, so clearly this is not the 'less painful' route is it?

And I don't know what all the fucks are about. It was a question in AIBU. As in please tell me if you think I am. I and others say yes, some say no. I really don't understand people getting upset when the answer is not to their liking or agreement with the OP. If you just want to hear 'yes you're right', go post in chat!

Well said @MrsDesireeCarthorse

Agree with what Catherine says. Some people just do not get very subtle hints. Some people take what people say at face value. So in my case "let's meet up" I took at face value because in all my years that's sentence has only ever ment that someone wants to catch up. So in my case again, it was cancelled on the day. Ok so another subtle hint. But then dont keep on saying again and again the same things and expecting a different outcome. I honestly thought my friend was having a crisis and could catch up as that is what she lead me to believe. I have to see the gp for anti depressants, sorry I cant leave the house I'm so stressed etc for months on end only sunk in when it was i have a runny nose, it's raining......

If your empathetic you want to be polite or keep offering support in a long standing relationship. So I wasted head space even thinking she might be in a low spot.

If my friend couldn't have have honest or harsh again that's fine. But one let's up, then cancelling, then saying let's take a three month rain check, I will contact YOU when I'm ready, I would have forgotten in those three months.

I think if OP has done this by saying she is busy, its causing them both distress necessarily and i a quick "i cant do this right now, i need to step back for own sanity, let's take a rain check and I will contact you in six months" just takes away that hope, or what did I do? Wonder.

But again I personally if I was Op would just block her then.