to ghost my friend, who has mental health difficulties?

[yellowbasket]

Long term poster, have name changed.

Long story short, I have been friends with said friend for fourteen years. We met when we worked together, just after leaving school. Friend's family fairly emotionally unavailable, and I was relied upon as her main source of support through various inpatient psychiatry admissions etc. Various calls in the middle of the night, with her feeling suicidal, my going to visit her at short notice due to this also.

Lots of personal sacrifice on my part, including her uncle (married, and easily old enough to be my dad) coming onto me at nineteen, when she stayed at my place once, in a particularly difficult spell.

Fast forward many years, her mental illness hasn't really subsided. No recent admissions, but ongoing depressing thoughts, feelings of abandonment, low self esteem, thoughts of self harm etc. It feels that whatever level of support I can offer is never enough, and the need for it never ending.

Over time, I have found this exhausting. The more I engage with texts, calls, the more she calls and the more she 'needs' me. I have my own physical health condition, which can be badly affected by stress.

Over the past two years, I have tried to gradually reduce this contact, from several times daily to daily, to weekly, to monthly etc. I worry that if I tell her how I feel, that she will try to kill herself in response. I thought the phased approach was best.

Two years later, she is still calling me every week. I have not answered in the past year, but she still calls.

What am I to do? She is a nice person I find any contact with her at all exhausting. How do I make this stop?

In fact it's somewhat machiavellian.

What Ruth96 said.

I'd explain in terms that make clear you don't think she's a bad person but that you can't offer what she needs. Kinder than just vanishing.

The op has vanished already, 6 months ago when she stopped replying to messages.

If the friend wanted to give her good news, apologise or whatever. She could have messaged op. She hasn't or at least op hasn't said she had.

I actually think that this is really cruel of you, considering her issues. I would make the effort to see or speak to her very occasionally - once a month or even every few months wouldn’t kill you. Of course you don’t HAVE to but it would be the kind thing to do.

Sorry I got confused by a previous post, around timings because I am exhausted and then realised what was meant. I have asked to withdraw post.

I got the information from the ops first post.

Two years later, she is still calling me every week. I have not answered in the past year, but she still calls.

Later in the thread the op said

She doesn't leave voicemails but sends brief WhatsApp messages. I gave fleeting 'got to go' type replies to some of the messages until around six months ago.

I think I’d talk to her about what support she needs, starting by saying that it sounds like she needs more support than you can offer. Then ask about who else she can go to for support (eg Samaritans). Get her to really think about who can be in her support network. Aim to get some kind of agreement about how much support you can offer, eg you’re happy to take two phone calls a month or whatever. That way you can keep your friendship but you put boundaries on it.

Some really unpleasant and unkind comments on this thread.

OP you've made it clear that you did what you did because you feared what this friend would do and did not want to be responsible for a worsening of her mental health were you to tell her the truth.

I am sure the friend already knows that the friendship has ended, I would hope so.

How would the OP know that a long and drawn out explanation, or even a short explanation may not lead to a worsening of her mental health condition or to new threats that she may commit suicide etc. Why should the OP have all that on her conscience when she has done her very best for this friend over a long period of time?

I also really wonder if the OP has already tried to get her help, suggested things, she has certainly tried to ease the relationship to something more manageable for her. The friend appears to have resisted all this and wants the friendship on her own terms, for the OP to be available to her whenever she wants.

Even in a normal friendship one has the right to move on and not contact people, you don't have to have the talk or 'break up with' friends, the friendship sometimes just naturally ends. No one has ever said to me, "I don't want to be friends anymore", and yet I am not friends now with some people from the past - we just drifted out of each others lives and both accepted this.

OP I hope you are OK.

OP can I also suggest for that your own metal health you speak to the Samaritans about the situation and get advice from them.

Were you to tell her you had moved on it would not be your responsibility if she took the news badly but maybe Samaritans can actually give measured advice looking at your mental health and how to protect it.

www.samaritans.org/

I know this is AIBU and people don’t post about their happy relationships but there is a post like this every day. It seems that OP could just leave the situation but if she wants to draw a line under it, how about...”do you have been a part of my life for so many years and I will always cherish the memories we have and look back fondly on them. I hope that one day when you are stronger and I have more time we can meet and talk about those days and go have some fun. But I am struggling at the moment and am not in a position to support you. That is why I haven’t answered the phone. I have to put my own mental health first. Know that the friendship we had was real and that I will be thinking of you.”

DF understands, feels validated and doesn’t spend every day wondering if OP secretly hated her. There is a loneliness epidemic but people could mitigate the effects by showing that they care, explaining why they are backing off and leaving them with a good feeling.

Block her number, her health really isn’t your problem to have to deal with.

How would the OP know that a long and drawn out explanation, or even a short explanation may not lead to a worsening of her mental health condition?

Seriously? You think a friend just suddenly dropping off the face of the earth would be worse than even a cruel explanation?

Let me explain the stages when this happens.

First because you are a decent person, you think something serious may have happened. Maybe the friend is having a shitty time at work etc...then as time goes on you think no something very serious must have happened...an accident, death of a family member you leave messages saying please just say two words I'm fine...no such basic words emerge...after a while you realise through some means that the person is well. They are just deliberately ignoring you. This hurts like hell and you feel shitty. But because there has been ZERO communication of problems or doubts about the friendship, you question your right to even be upset and tell yourself you must not jump to conclusions. Surely your friend respects you enough/likes you enough to tell you why they don't want to talk to you? Especially as you've known each other years. You wrack your brain going over every conversation trying to see if there was something amiss. Something you did or said. You are reluctant to judge, as you still think your dear friend must be having a hard time in life or something as it seems so against their character to be so mean. You call wanting to express support and frankly because you are bewildered.

After some time gradually you realise this so called friend is on fact a total coward, who could not have liked you or valued you at all, because they havent even provided basic reasons for suddenly refusing to respond to your obvious attempts to contact them and leaving frantic messages of concern for their welfare to even say 'Sorry I'm fine but I need to be alone'

Ultimately you feel incredibly hurt, despised, frankly questioning your judgement in ever calling this person a friend. And going forward you have a hard time trusting other friends.

Sure it's better for anyone's mental health than an explanation.

(I'm aware that gradual ghosting may be less traumatic but it's still traumatic and people may take ages to accept what has happened as the OP has discovered)

The ship has sailed on ghosting.
So you either actually block, so the mental weight of receiving them is lifted.

Or send a text
Df, sorry I've not been able to answer your calls/texts. I've been struggling with my own mental health and have found that trying to help others with theirs too, is too much. I'll be in touch when I'm feeling better.

Then block as above.
Receiving her calls isn't helping anyone.

Youve already ghosted her.

I recently did this, albeit the burden expected of support was less. Even then I found it hard to give.

Honestly I feel so much better for it.

Mirroredbox that's a lovely message.

Thank you. Sometimes it’s not what we say but how we say it that matters. OP has said that her friend is nice, but that she finds her friend’s mental health problematic so it’s a nice ending with some hint they can become friends later.

CatherineOfAragonsPrayerBook but she didn't just drip off the planet. She stopped taking calls, but she kept replying to what's app so the friend knew she was ok.

I am not saying it's great. I'm saying it's difficult either way which is why I think the OP should Speak to Samaritans and get advice. I thought Mirroredbox's message was really good.

But at the end of the day the OP has to decide what to do. You do make s compelling case for honesty and normally o prefer honesty buy I don't know the friend or how she reacts.

Thank you for the messages on this topic, particularly those which were helpful and supportive. The range of comments does mirror the complexity of the situation and what had made it so hard all round. I note that the majority of posters do say not to contact her again, suggesting different ways of doing this. I don't think I can block her, it seems the worst of all, and gives the 'immediate' effect that I worry will overwhelm her. I feel from knowing her and her reference to other situations that this will be 'news' in some ways despite how long it has been going on for. Thank you for the advice. I will leave the thread just now.

Surely she won't know she's blocked, you'll still have the stress of ignoring her and nothing has changed.

You don't need or want her and that is your choice.
I have been going through a dreadful time and thought I was so fortunate to have such a good friend, then out of the blue she dumped me. Did thankfully say why, that she had enough of me. It was very tough.
Makes you wary of trusting people.
The message I got was that no one wants a friend with health problems.

I hope your friend gets the help and support she needs.

I do agree with Catherine's last post. Your close to someone for years. Your sharing secrets and seeing them weekly. Over the years you love them too. Then either they drop of the edge of the world or they just reply to each text later and later. Breifer and breifer replies it still raises the same questions.

What did I say? Was it my sons ASD diagnosis? Maybe I smell? Maybe she never really liked me? Maybe it was all a lie? Maybe I'm boring / rude / self centred eye etc etc. For years in my case. Until one day after these years of "sorry it's been so long, someone died but let's meet up next week" followed next week on the day of meeting up "it's to rainy, I have booked the gp, my Bose is running etc etc etc" where you then thinking "maybe I'm just being needy unfair contacting her around four times a year. You then unexpectedly bump into the old friend that is always too busy to even pass a text of two sentences, with her friend. At which point the old friend tells you some real, recent devastating news that happened two months ago. Only because they now have to. Then you realise "what I utter mug was I? I will never ever get so close to anyone new again" and then one day realise you just dont see anyone in the way you used to, pre ghosting. You cant trust beyound a surface level whether you like it or not.

I have never felt like that about my school friends, college friends, uni friends, work friends or mummy group friends that just slowly drifted apart. Because this was concous line in the sand from my ex friend to cut me off for some reason on a set day without letting me know what was wrong. We went out for dinner, had a lovely time and I never saw her socially again.

It felt like being dumped by a long term partner. It really hurt. But if it was a ex you would hear on the grapevine they met someone new so you figure out they just upgraded you. Hursh and painful but you would know in that instant.

OP this is no reflection on you btw. You are stuck in no win situation. It's just a reference to ghosting generally being the new " listen mate, I dont want to upset you but.... " chat

Increases in technology socail media etc means ghousting is now normal. But if really really hurts.

Also if it was a ex partner. You might never know why they dumped you, but you wouldn't be left wondering how they was and if it was ok to check in on each other lives again for a chat ... like you can with old uni or school friends.

Or again in my case while im in town "oh fuck its ex friend who ghosted me, if I hide she won't see me!" As it all got so weird you have gone from lovely dinners out, staying over at her house chatting drinking wine to - who the F are you really? And sight of them plunges your guts into dread. No normal drifting apart does that.

OP
You’ve had a few horrid posts on this thread. You really need to think about your own mental health here. You have felt the need to not respond to her which strongly suggests that you can’t cope with her anymore.
It might be prudent to send an “I’m sorry but...” text and then maybe block her.
If you feel that you can no longer cope with her needyness then you need to end this.
I feel for you 💐