to ghost my friend, who has mental health difficulties?

[yellowbasket]

Long term poster, have name changed.

Long story short, I have been friends with said friend for fourteen years. We met when we worked together, just after leaving school. Friend's family fairly emotionally unavailable, and I was relied upon as her main source of support through various inpatient psychiatry admissions etc. Various calls in the middle of the night, with her feeling suicidal, my going to visit her at short notice due to this also.

Lots of personal sacrifice on my part, including her uncle (married, and easily old enough to be my dad) coming onto me at nineteen, when she stayed at my place once, in a particularly difficult spell.

Fast forward many years, her mental illness hasn't really subsided. No recent admissions, but ongoing depressing thoughts, feelings of abandonment, low self esteem, thoughts of self harm etc. It feels that whatever level of support I can offer is never enough, and the need for it never ending.

Over time, I have found this exhausting. The more I engage with texts, calls, the more she calls and the more she 'needs' me. I have my own physical health condition, which can be badly affected by stress.

Over the past two years, I have tried to gradually reduce this contact, from several times daily to daily, to weekly, to monthly etc. I worry that if I tell her how I feel, that she will try to kill herself in response. I thought the phased approach was best.

Two years later, she is still calling me every week. I have not answered in the past year, but she still calls.

What am I to do? She is a nice person I find any contact with her at all exhausting. How do I make this stop?

'Two years later, she is still calling me every week. I have not answered in the past year, but she still calls.'

You already ghosted her, then. She calls every week perhaps, when before she was calling several times a day, sometimes in the middle of the night. She is getting the hint, albeit not very quickly.:)

What you're doing is working, you don't need to do anything else, except put her on 'hide' on FB and get her emails automatically sent to your deleted items folder.

Why does personality disorder all ways get brought into it.

The stigma around this infuriating.

Totally agree. It's like if a man behaves badly then autism is brought up. Although I think Mumsnet clamps down on that as being ableist.

Posters should be aware that more women than men are diagnosed with "personality disorders" and a great many of them have been significantly harmed in their childhoods. The problem OP has is because we as a society put the blame on the individual "she has a personality disorder", rather than understanding that rarely do these things just occur organically. If society actually supported people with difficulties early on in life, or close to when they begin to occur, then OPs friend would have more people to lean on and less need to lean on them because problems would have been picked up earlier.

OP should not be the main or sole emotional support for an adult, it's too much. But blaming her friend for a condition that frequently occurs because of what happened to the person, not what she did to herself, is unfair too.

Whilst you have every right to end the friendship - and I’m not saying I’d behave differently - for any reason, I think it’s a shame you chose to ghost her rather than have an honest conversation.

I do agree with this. But it's done isn't it?

Continue to ignore her. It seems to be working....?

Thanks @victorioussponges

Wishing to avoid a drip feed, but also my opening paragraph being massively long with various details!

We did have some vague mutual friends, in terms of at least being 'acquaintances' with each others friendship circles. I was always really her main, most reliable friend sadly (now). She has made reference to her previous friends not being in contact with her any longer- and I do imagine they probably stopped contact for a similar reason to me. I don't know any of them particularly well enough to ask.

From social media, she seems her usual self. Not particularly low, but her mood can change very quickly. She has been this way all the time I have known her.

Thank you for your answer

Regarding the comments about personality disorder, I wish my friend would have the support of more people around her to deal with her difficulties. I wish she would accept appropriate treatment for this. From meeting her family, I can see easily where her difficulties have arisen. I am not stigmatised against this at all, and this is probably why I have tried to support her for so long in fact. And why I feel guilty now.

But yes, it also remains that I can't the the support for her forever as one person. I have tried, and it is too much.

Very good point @Interestedwoman, thank you.

Please give her the dignity of having an honest conversation with her, (even just by text) she deserves that, anyone does. I've been on the end of being suddenly ghosted (complete sudden cutting off, zero communication) by someone who I considered a beloved friend and it was absolutely one of the cruellest experiences of my life as well as completely cowardly. Did my mental health in. Was like someone died but with no context, and no closure. It felt very personal and absolutely destroyed my trust in others, as I could not understand how someone who I was so close to that I called her my 2nd sister, had such little respect for me that she could not even tell me why she no longer wanted to be friends (although she had self esteem issues and I suspect why but regardless, it was a ultra bitch move).

I wouldn't do such a thing to someone who had done nothing personal to hurt me. By all means end the 'friendship' but at least explain why first, then by all means block her. You'll feel better as well. You cannot be responsible for her.

I think you have been horrible. Just message her and say that you can't be a friend because you have to concentrate on you. You are sorry (or not) for ghosting her (which you have) but you just don't want to talk to anyone. Honestly as someone who has been ghosted twice (for what turned out to be shot reasons) I think it's a horrible thing to do. Once she realises maybe she'll be grateful not to have you as a friend.

I do agree with this. But it's done isn't it?

Oh yes, not suggesting OP reopens the lines of communication now.

whereas the news all at once (via even a nicely worded email...or alternatively blocking her) would just be overwhelming.

It's not 'news' though is it. You've ignored her for a year. It's a belated explanation. Yes she is way too much and yes you have every right to cease to respond and engage but I really don't think how you have done it is kind.

Why would you block someone who considers you a friend? How cheap of you OP. Not much of a friend are you! I'd give a dying dog the dignity of a conversation first. Humans aren't things to get rid of. If she is bothering you to this point, what no contact for a year? Then there's no issue.

This "ghosting" thing is something I find utterly cruel, if you don't want to be in contact with someone then in my opinion the decent thing to do is tell them so.

I do understand it must have been very draining for you OP and I am not judging your decision to reduce/cease contact with her but it's been a year and she is still reaching out to you, does that not indicate you meant something to her?

Nevertheless, I think given the steps you have already taken over the last twelve months the absolute kindness thing to do would be to change your number, that way she won't keep holding on to hope that one day you might answer her call. By changing your number she wouldn't have a number to call, the phone would no longer ring out at her end, instead it would be an instant dead tone and that in itself would give her closure surely.

Maybe I'm wrong but just my opinion!

That should have said "kindest" not "kindness", second time this has happened tonight!

Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
Have rock solid boundaries.
If you can’t do it, you can’t do it.
The reason personality disorders hey brought up in cases where people are threatening suicide and behaving like the friend in the op are usually because they have personality disorders. It not a conspiracy and there is no judgement - it’s just a fact. A fact that usually explains their behaviour. It doesn’t touch on the root of the trauma, and frankly it doesn’t matter. That’s between the client and her MH team.
It doesn’t alter the fact that the friend is refusing to access professional help (and dx) and trying to use her friend instead. (Or was, at any rate.) Not uncommon.
Look after yourself op. Lots of collateral damage to trying to support someone like your friend. Give of yourself what you can and no more.

I can understand the reluctance to tell her. She won't just accept that you can no longer carry on. She has already manipulated you to think without you she will kill herself.
You haven't talked to her in a year. Haven't responded to her in 6 months. The days of talking to her about it have passed.

Her mental health isn't your problem. It isn't something that you can sort out for her. She is hanging on because it's what she wants. She isn't prepared to let it end. And this is not a good thing.

Can you speak to her mental health worker/Samaritans or similar to ask their advice on how you now back off entirely so that you can be assured that there is some kind of safety net when you do finally back away.

Even if the friend has a mh worker or whatever, doesn't mean she will have up to date info. If friend was under this when they were friends, there is no saying she gave consent to have them talk to each other.

Taking this route isn't helpful. She cannot be protected all her life for facing realities of life.

It also isn't up to the op to decide what the friend might need support for. The friend might not want to talk about her to anyone she might be working with currently.

If friend wants help with this or anything else. This is entirely her choice. She will know what is available to her. For all op knows the friend is engaging with them and has accepted she has a PD, which can be hard to accept, because it's not you that's the problem, it's everyone else.

My DD with mental illness was like this. She now has support worker who visits her every week. It's changed her behaviour (She was very demanding)as she now has a regular debrief and also it's a professional.
You're not a professional. You're not responsible for her especially as she was making your own illness worse.
I had to encourage my daughter to rely on professionals more as she was in danger of losing all her friends with interminable late night calls and visits.

I agree you have ghosted her. I dont like ghosting as one of my friends did it to me, but always with a "we must catch up soon, can you meet on x day?" Then blowing me out. Made me feel horrible for a long long time. I didnt know what I had done wrong, in my case eventually I realised I did nothing wrong, she had just moved her friendship circle when he kid started school to school mums who could babysit for her.

Anyway, something horrendous happened to her last year and we did meet up recently. When we met I realised after all that time and getting so little response I felt nothing for her. Her recounting her last year was like reading a paper. No emotions left and just a series of facts.

So in your case what I'm trying to say is, it's done. You cant go back from this anyway. I'm surprised she still thinks you want contact which she should have more than got the hint.

Just completely stop any contact as that relationship is dead. Your breathing life into it. Not healthy for either of you. It would have been better to just say years ago that you could no longer be the person she wanted you to be ( her therapist) and then cut back contact. It's the no goodbye that leaves people wondering or in my case hopeful. I had to get to the point that I had no compassion for my ex friend when she could have just said 'I'm so busy now with school etc, I hope we can still bump into each other occasionally. I would have got it quicker with the days to reply to texts much to my shame. It could have been old news within three months.

I dont resent her btw. I just feel nothing. No fond memories of happy times or our years of closeness. I dont think anything much at all about her. But while it was being strung out it was very raw. I got over it.

can we stop blaming people who 'arent seeking help' when they have metal health problems.when you have mental health disorder getting help isnt the same as for other deseases becasue thre is multi layered reasons why they cant.whether they (thir illness) doesnt want/allow them to.whther it their life and way to cope.and all sorts of other sooooo much deeper complex reason why they 'cant''wont' get help it isnt like having a broken leg and saying "nah.i wont have the cast.leave me broken" so therefore they dont deserve this support,or its almost then their fault/problem they are ill or they arent getting the hlp they need so they deserve this shit" i keep seeing on thread like this where mental health is concerned.

OP I am so sorry this must be incredibly hard.

I think you have done the right thing.

You did not know how she would react and took the path that you thought would be best for her.

You've thought of your former friend and tried to do the best for her.

But you could not cope with her constant demands.

You do not owe her an explanation. Especially as your fear is that this would be more harmful for her.

i think some people here have said rude and insensitive things to you, which is very cruel and very unnecessary after you have been such a good friend to this person and only had to give up when you were not able to continue.

Look after you.

@yellowbasket

I have been in kind of a similar position to you. Although, I was not as close a friend and the mental health condition was more serious and progressive. I did ignore calls. Then I blocked calls. But voicemails were still left even several years later. In the end I had to change my number. This was the right thing for me to do. Yes, I felt desperately sorry for her. But she was not my responsibility. Before I blocked her she left messages saying she was going to kill herself I rang the switchboard in her area and they dispatched an ambulance. She hadn’t done anything. I did this after taking the advice of several friends. One a mental health nurse, one a police support officer, And one who had a family member with same disorder. They all said, “she is not your responsibility, flag her back up in the system and leave her to the professionals”. So that’s what I did. That’s all I could do. Yes I felt sad for her and guilty and I still occasionally think about her but I know I did the right thing. I have to look after my own mental health and my children. That’s my priority. The stress she provoked in me was too much.
I have another friend who was in a similar position with her best friend. She was so stressed it was affecting her own mental health. She too walked away and felt much better. Don’t feel bad. You have done right to distance yourself.

StealthPussy

How is this a question if whether you would be unreasonable to do x, when you did x a year ago.

What I think is unreasonable is allowing the phone to ring for a year, watching her name come up on the screen time and again and letting it die when the easy and obvious thing to do would be to just block it

It suggests you get an unkind thrill from knowing "oh she still desperately needs me, still a stalker" when you obviously have no interest in her whatsoever.

She could be ringing because she wants to apologise because she's turned a corner, or had good fortune but you presume it's to be a pest and chances are you're right

So why not just block, after 12 months why start a thread seeking external validation for what is essentially ancient history?

When we met I realised after all that time and getting so little response I felt nothing for her. Her recounting her last year was like reading a paper. No emotions left and just a series of facts.

Good for you! It is really such a head fuck to deal with, the lack of basic respect and decency.

You do not owe her an explanation

Err yes you do. It's called giving a former friend/acquaintance some respect, and treating others how you would expect to be treated. Just because someone is mentally ill, doesn't mean they don't have a right to an answer so they can gain perspective and closure.

I have to question who actually has the better mental health. Refusing to confront someone because its too scary, not answering their calls (doing avoidance) and yet noting their attempts to still contact is certainly not a healthy way to engage in relationships.