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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell only one set of grandparents

73 replies

WhoToTell · 05/11/2019 21:03

I just found out that I am pregnant!

However we have a family holiday planned with my parents and brother in about 8 weeks to a tropical island. My doctor has advised me that it is not safe to travel to this location due to the risk of malaria.

So here comes the issue - I obviously need to tell my family and the earlier the better. However my DP feels that if my parents know his should know as well.

But if we tell his parents we know it’s almost 99% certain they will post something on Facebook and it’s obviously way to early to announce this!

AIBU to just tell my close family at this point?

OP posts:

positivity123 · 05/11/2019 21:06

If you can't trust them to keep it to themselves then don't tell them. It's not about being fair.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/11/2019 21:07

If your in laws have gobby mouths, and your husband knows this is true, he should support your decision in only telling your parents. At just 8 weeks, I certainly wouldn't want my pregnancy broadcast for everyone to know.

Velveteenfruitbowl · 05/11/2019 21:09

You could always just come up with a different excuse for the holiday.

reluctantbrit · 05/11/2019 21:10

It depends. Wouldn't your PIL not wonder why you cancel your holiday? I doubt inventing an excuse will be a good idea as it can only backfire.

I told at 8 weeks as my PIL had arranged a wine tasting and there was no way I could lie to them why I couldn't do it.

Elieza · 05/11/2019 21:11

I’d be telling both sides and telling them in words of one syllable that ‘you WILL NOT tell ANYONE this news because my husband and I want to get through the first trimester first’ (or whatever). I would be letting them know that if they want to be trusted with their grandchild that they have to prove their trustworthyness now.

Aquamarine1029 · 05/11/2019 21:12

Are your in-laws truly so awful that they would go against your wishes and announce your pregnancy even if you tell them very clearly not to? If they would, that's horrendous.

OnlineShopping · 05/11/2019 21:15

Why can’t you take antimalarials? Some such as hydroxychloroquinnine are safely used for women who have suffered multiple miscarriages as well as those with autoimmune conditions.

I wouldn’t tell anyone who couldn’t be trusted to keep it quiet but if your DH disagrees with you, then I think it’s only fair to come up with another reason for not going.

GrumpyHoonMain · 05/11/2019 21:16

Why can’t you just make something up to your parents too? My go to excuses during ivf for all family holidays to Asia were 1) I can’t get time off or 2) I am allergic to malaria medication and the doctor has recommended not to risk it during that time of year.

Original poster

WhoToTell · 05/11/2019 21:18

Oh my partners parents are not horrible just not very tech smart and can be very impulsive! They would share the news on Facebook to their family who all live overseas and tag us. They love social media but struggle to understand how it works. I don’t think it would be deliberate just clumsy.

OP posts:

Jollitwiglet · 05/11/2019 21:20

I thought there were antimalarials that were safe in pregnancy?

OrangeSlices998 · 05/11/2019 21:21

If you really clearly asked them to wait until 12 weeks, or whenever you felt comfortable, do you think they would? It’s your news, if you feel more comfortable telling them at different times then do so - neither set of parents has any right over your news or when you share it!

Congratulations OP!

GreenTulips · 05/11/2019 21:23

Fiat would be if they treated you equally and respect your wishes

If they can’t do that, then you need to hold off telling them

Aquamarine1029 · 05/11/2019 21:23

Posting anything about your pregnancy to anyone after being told not to is the very definition of "deliberate." Being tech savvy or not has nothing to do with it.

Original poster

WhoToTell · 05/11/2019 21:23

I wish I could find another excuse but it just doesn’t feel right to lie to my parents. There are two parts to the holiday - they live overseas so we were going to their place first before heading to the island resort. I can still go to theirs so am still planning on that.

They know I can get leave from work as it’s during Christmas shutdown and I have taken anti malaria medication tons of times.

Should have also mentioned that the flights to the resort and the accom has been paid by mother as our Christmas gift...

I feel like lying to them would damage our close relationship

OP posts:

Mothermia · 05/11/2019 21:31

I think it’s your body, your baby and your news, so you can tell (and not tell) whoever you like. Although it’s also DH’s baby so I get his side too....
I told my parents at 6 weeks and waited until 12 to tell the in laws. DH and I both knew that if anything bad happened with the baby, I would need my parents’ support, and his parents would never be able to cope with something as emotional as that.

Would they ever even find out that they’d been told slightly later? My in laws didn’t. For both babies

stanski · 05/11/2019 21:31

Don't lie. Tell them. Hold off on telling in laws

GrumpyHoonMain · 05/11/2019 21:34

How about getting a viability scan and then telling both sides after that? Statistically you are much less likely to miscarry after hearing the heartbeat (unless there are other problems).

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 05/11/2019 21:42

Tell your parents that you can't do the island trip and ask them to please not ask you why because if you tell them then you also have to tell your DH's parents.

Just before you leave for your holiday you can tell your DH's parents (you'll be around 12 weeks by then) and officially tell your parents when you arrive at their house.

Cohle · 05/11/2019 21:42

If they would post it on Facebook out of incompetence rather than malice (and you would otherwise be happy telling them) then couldn't you just be very firm with them about sharing it on social media? If you explain that it's very early and that you would be devastated if anyone except your respective parents knew then I think most reasonable people would get the message.

SunshineAngel · 05/11/2019 21:46

You're not telling your parents because you want to - you're doing it because you're being forced, therefore I don't think "fair" comes into it. Be absolutely clear that you've only told them so early because of the holiday, and that they're the first to know, and mustn't breathe a word.

You can then tell his parents whenever you're ready - obviously a lot of people wait until 12 weeks. It's not like you're leaving his parents out because you don't want them to know, it's that your parents HAVE to be told sooner.

lazyarse123 · 05/11/2019 21:49

I wouldn't tell them until you're ready. They also don't need to know yetthat you're not going on the second part of the holuday.

Bluerussian · 05/11/2019 21:50

You could tell his parents and ask them, quite firmly, not to let anyone else know, especially on social media. I'm sure they'll oblige, I would in their position.

I looked up anti malarial drugs in pregnancy so it is possible but I don't think I'd risk it.

GertiMJN · 05/11/2019 21:50

I hope this doesn't upset you, but I'm just trying to understand where you are coming from.

Why do you NOT want wider family to know you are pregnant? If, god forbid, something happened, would you not tell your DH's parents at all?

I understand that they are more likely to post happy news randomly on SM, but surely the same people would ultimately find out?

saraclara · 05/11/2019 21:50

Do you know for certain that the island is malarial? Often malaria warnings are blunt instruments, and they'll advise against whole countries, when only parts of them are malarial.

(apologies if you're very experienced about this stuff! But I hate to think of anyone cancelling a holiday unnecessarily!)

eddiemairswife · 05/11/2019 21:54

Oh for the olden days when you went to the doctor after missing your second period, and then told both sets of parents.

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