To tell only one set of grandparents

[WhoToTell]

I just found out that I am pregnant!

However we have a family holiday planned with my parents and brother in about 8 weeks to a tropical island. My doctor has advised me that it is not safe to travel to this location due to the risk of malaria.

So here comes the issue - I obviously need to tell my family and the earlier the better. However my DP feels that if my parents know his should know as well.

But if we tell his parents we know it’s almost 99% certain they will post something on Facebook and it’s obviously way to early to announce this!

AIBU to just tell my close family at this point?

The absolute best travel health advice is provided by the Centre for Disease Control in Atlanta here

wwwnc.cdc.gov/travel/destinations/list/

Nobody does health caution like Americans.

Oh, and nobody gets to police what a pregnant woman tells her mum. IMO.

The absolute best travel health advice is provided by the Centre for Disease Control in Atlanta here

Not about local risk of malaria it doesn't. I've just checked what they say about the African country I visit annually, and their advice is awful. They just say the whole country is malarial and everyone needs anti-malarials, when barely a quarter of it is. And even that is mostly very low risk.

YANBU as it's up to you depending on the dynamics of your relationships

When I was pregnant with DC2 we told this in laws as we were going on holiday with them and it would be obvious with me not drinking alcohol

I was around 8 weeks

Didn't tell my own parents as I wanted to wait til the dating scan (had a previous missed miscarriage)

I just texted my parents after we had a positive dating scan, I didn't really want to do face to face as my mother generally says something to piss on my strawberries, so to speak

You get treated the way you deserve sometimes. Your ILs are a bit on the blabbermouth side, so they can't be told things in confidence. Your parents can be trusted, so they can get told earlier. Treating people equally is not treating them fairly. Why should your parents be lied to because your ILs are blabbermouths? It's not fair on your parents!

@saraclara Well I think I have always felt reassured by the belt and braces ultra cautious approach of the CDC. I know that locals often laugh at the medical preparedness of Western European's & North Americans. Does the DoH guideline cover the whole country or only part?

Does your husband not acknowledge that his parents will likely slip up and broadcast your news? It's understandable that he wants his parents to be treated "equally" with yours, but these circumstances are unique.

You're doing the hard part of the pregnancy, so your opinion should matter more, at this point (imo).

I went to Malaysia during my pregnancy last Christmas. I didn't use anti-malarials because I lived in rural China at the time and doctors there are few and far between. I used a crapton of mosquito spray and covered up. I also used the NosiLife clothing to repel bugs and slept under a mosquito net. Fighting off mosquitoes was our daily life in China so I didn't see any huge issue going to Malaysia but from the West I can see it being a big thing.

Having said that, if you're not comfortable going, don't go. And don't lie to your parents, that's terrible advice and could have consequences in the future because they'll feel pushed away.
Just tell them quietly and ask them to not tell anyone else because you want to announce at 12 weeks or whenever.
To be honest, the morning sickness and exhaustion were far bigger issues on holiday in a hot country and that would be my reason for not doing a first trimester holiday ever again (we didn't know I was pregnant when we booked lol).
Also congratulations!

I totally get you, I tell my PILs everything straight away and hold tons of stuff back from my parents, not because of social media but because they always make snippy comments or "jokes" about everything. My husband feels guilty about it sometimes but they've proven time and time again that they will not act maturely so what can you do?

I don't think you need to excuse them, they know what they're doing when they post.

100% get a second opinion about the island holiday- preferably from someone with recent and deep experience of travel/pregnancy/malaria.

Maybe even start another thread here with the destination (and month) you’re booked for, I bet there’ll be some experts along to help.

After that, I’d probably tell the PILs, with the strong proviso that they are not to say, intimate, hint or mime the news until ‘Xx’ date. Press them for total info embargo. Make it clear how serious you are. Do it in person so they see the whites of your eyes, and DH’s.

If they go against your wishes, it’ll be annoying, but at least you won’t have to have this negation with DH with every bit of kid news forever. You will just get to say ‘Remember how they cannot be trusted??? I gave in to you on the birth announcement, dear, and now never again, don’t even ask.’

Congrats!

It's your pregnancy tell who you want to tell.

I think the key thing is to tell your parents not to let on that they know, or later that they knew.

It's difficult because I can see why our dh would want to tell his parents but it sounds like his reason is a bit tit for tat - not a case of I really want to tell my parents now but if your parents know then mine should. And that seems quite childish to me.

Having said this I think others knowing you are pregnant is not a bad thing. Even if the worst happened it is a part of life.

I lost a baby very early on, before the telling people stage, and so I had to go out of my way to tell special friends I had lost a baby, and generally people did not know. It felt a huge thing to me but people did not know.

Anyway, hopefully all will be 100% fine so in a way what's the issue with people knowing?

And Congratulations!

"However my DP feels that if my parents know his should know as well."
Your parents will only know because of cancelling the holiday. If you weren't going on holiday with them, you wouldn't be telling them either. The holiday is forcing your hand.

I really think your DP is being unfair here, and prioritising his loyalty to his parents over his loyalty to you.

I would use the Fit for Travel website at work for the most up to date info - it gives specific advice for pregnant women:

www.fitfortravel.nhs.uk/advice/malaria

And please ignore the person who recommended hydroxychloroquine - it’s not routinely used an an anti-malarial unless a patient is already taking for another condition, and is rarely taken alone due to high levels of resistance.

Using a mosquito net is fine until you get up in the night to wee and one of the little blighters sneaks back inside with you! The Atlanta centre seems hypercautious.

Hydroxychloroquine (for PsA)

@MitziK, off topic but did you have side effects. I started getting dizzy spells a couple of months in so stopped taking it. Did you find it worked for you?

Oh, and, did yours taste hideous too?

We told my parents pretty much after I'd got the positive test, because I would have needed my Mum to support me if anything bad happened. We told my FIL (initially - we wanted to check with him the best way of letting MIL know given we were clear we didn't want her coming out with unsolicited advice after we'd had gory details about the DIL of one of her friends having a cervical stitch a couple of years ago...) after we got the Harmony results.

It's not about 'fairness' it's about what's best to support you in the circumstances. Thankfully my DH was totally on board with my wishes so we didn't have any disagreements there!

I told my parents at 6 weeks and waited until 12 to tell the in laws. DH and I both knew that if anything bad happened with the baby, I would need my parents’ support

I've known several men (including mine) who have been devastated by miscarriage. Sometimes they might need to tell their parents their big news for the same reason you might.

Anyway, I don't encourage that superstitious idea of keeping the pregnancy secret because it leaves women extremely isolated should the worst happen.

www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2019/oct/07/12-week-pregnancy-rule-miscarriage-shame-failure

We told my in laws before my parents because we had plans with them that were affected by my severe morning sickness. We live near my in laws and see them regularly and I was in bed for weeks with sickness so we had to tell them, otherwise they'd probably have thought I was seriously ill. We don't live as near my parents and see them much less often so told them later, they don't know my in laws knew first and it's not made any difference to anything.
I find it unnecessary to insist on equality if the only reason you're telling one set is because a situation is forcing you to tell them earlier than you'd like.

I told my mum at 6 weeks (with DH blessing), waited until 9 weeks after an early scan to tell MIL.
MIL is very close to that side of our family and she absolutely cannot keep a secret - she admits this herself and tells me lots of people's private info that I really don't need to know. I really would not want them all knowing had I had a miscarriage. I wouldn't need or want their support and neither would DH. Don't get me wrong, we get on really well with them all but it's not something we wanted to share at that time.

We're ttc no.2 at the moment and haven't told anyone.

My ILs found out first with DC1 - MIL was ill as were various family members and I should have been the obvious person to help but I couldn't...

DC2 I think actually my riding instructor and my employer were first to know other than DH - because they needed to know... then I was busted by hobby friends (Not drinking, overnight stay), then I told parents!

My DiL's DM and DS winkled the news out of her early basically by surrounding her and questioning her relentlessly. I don't think she was particularly happy about that. We got told early (before the 12 week scan mark) and of course we're thrilled but I would happily have waited until they were ready to share. 🤷‍♀️

Sorry but I think YABU. You need to give them a chance to do the right thing. Besides, if they use Facebook, then they can use e-mail. Tell them to do their gossiping the old-fashioned way, with one-on-one, direct communication. Perhaps you spelling it out like that will shame them a bit and make them think twice about gossiping. Point out also, that you didn't have to tell thrm early.