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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell only one set of grandparents

73 replies

WhoToTell · 05/11/2019 21:03

I just found out that I am pregnant!

However we have a family holiday planned with my parents and brother in about 8 weeks to a tropical island. My doctor has advised me that it is not safe to travel to this location due to the risk of malaria.

So here comes the issue - I obviously need to tell my family and the earlier the better. However my DP feels that if my parents know his should know as well.

But if we tell his parents we know it’s almost 99% certain they will post something on Facebook and it’s obviously way to early to announce this!

AIBU to just tell my close family at this point?

OP posts:
Greenleafer19 · 05/11/2019 21:56

It's ur decision. I'm currently 7 months pregnant and my In laws don't know because I hate them & they hate me. DH said not to tell them either because they'll ruin this happy time for us like they tried to ruin our wedding. All of my family and friends know. It's your decision, ur growing the baby, ur hubby needs to respect that However there are other excuses u can use so there's no trouble?

LesLavandes · 05/11/2019 21:57

OP. Where is the holiday? Please tell us as I am surprised you are being advised not to travel

Gwenhwyfar · 05/11/2019 21:58

"Do you know for certain that the island is malarial? Often malaria warnings are blunt instruments, and they'll advise against whole countries, when only parts of them are malarial."

This is true. I was made to take anti-malaria tablets once and was told by the health minister (really!) when I got there that there was no danger in that season.

Africa2go · 05/11/2019 21:58

I told my parents at 6 weeks and waited until 12 to tell the in laws. DH and I both knew that if anything bad happened with the baby, I would need my parents’ support

^ This. It always strikes me as odd that its all supposed to be equal with grandparents. Relationships arent always like that. I was incredibly close to my Mum when i found out i was pregnant and knew that she would be living the pregnancy with us, be on the train in a flash & be the one supporting me the minute anything went wrong. My H wasn't particularly close to his mum and whilst she'd be pleased for us, it would be from a distance.

GertiMJN · 05/11/2019 21:59

Africa2go the difference here is that OP's DH wants to tell his parents

plightofthealbatross · 05/11/2019 22:07

I think you either only tell your parents if you know for a fact that your DH's parents can't be trusted due to experience

or

You have DH sit them down and make it incredibly clear that your news is not to be shared anywhere or with anyone until you tell them they can, including family members, and that they're only being told because you had to alter your holiday plans with your own parents. If they do blab, then your relationship will be damaged and it will be very hard to trust them with important information in the future, and they will henceforth be the last to know things like this.

But let him do the spelling it out to them if you do go that route. Firm but clear and explain consequences if they have a history of blabbing, esp on social media.

tillytrotter1 · 05/11/2019 22:15

How did I guess from the title that it would be 'her' parents, they're always number 1.

NearlyGranny · 05/11/2019 22:27

Tell your parents; only tell his if you're not 100% sure he won't blurt it. Apples and trees...

As for antimalarials, I took them for Vanuatu and was laughed at when I got there as the disease is 99% eradicated. I'd started, so I finished anyway.

Original poster
WhoToTell · 05/11/2019 22:30

Thanks for everyones replies! Interesting to hear that malaria pills have been fine for others - I might seek out a second medical opinion.

The island I am travelling to is known to have malaria - frustratingly the island that is only an hour away by boat is fine! If I let my family know early enough maybe we can divert to the other island where it’s safe

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoToTell · 05/11/2019 22:35

Also his parents will never know that my family knew first - his parents live about a 2.5 hour flight away whilst mine are an 8 hour flight away in the opposite direction! I don’t think he has even told them we are going away!

OP posts:
GettingABitDesperateNow · 05/11/2019 22:39

He wants you to treat your parents the same but their reaction and keeping it private isn't going to be the same so you are treating them accordingly.

My brother told my parents weeks before they told us, because my parents were staying with them and his wife was sick. Totally fair enough.

Its your private medical information at this stage, not a baby (in my opinion) therefore you get to say who knows.

VeniVidiVoxi · 05/11/2019 22:45

www.nhs.uk/common-health-questions/pregnancy/can-i-take-anti-malaria-medication-if-i-am-pregnant/

NHS suggests taking anti malarials isn't great when pregnant. Also they are not 100% effective especially if you miss/puke up a dose so it's probably best to avoid the island.

My parents knew I was pregnant before DHs because we lived over the road, it would have been actively keeping the info from them, whereas his were in another country. What they don't know they don't know won't hurt them!

MintyMabel · 05/11/2019 22:45

It’s not a competition. It’s not about equality, it is about limiting the risks of too many people knowing if something goes wrong.

He’s not the one who will have to deal with the fallout, you are. After the way MIL dealt with my first miscarriage, there was no way I was telling her when I was pregnant the second time.

saraclara · 05/11/2019 22:48

If it was me, I'd be begging to transfer to the other island!

Doesn't help with the in-law thing though. I suppose if you asked your family not to mention it at all while you're away, your DH wouldn't find it quite so difficult that they know? If it's not 'in his face' all the time?

orangeteal · 05/11/2019 22:53

I think you're being quite patronising thinking that 2 adults can't be trusted to not post something on Facebook if explicitly told, I refuse to think anyone could be that dense. Tell both or lie to both IMO, especially for the reason you've given.

HUZZAH212 · 05/11/2019 22:58

But you'd be telling your family based on medical travel advice given by your GP. You wouldn't be doing it to 'announce the news'. Your partners family don't need to know yet as it's a different circumstance completely.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 05/11/2019 22:58

Where are you going?
Wear long pants and sleeves and feet hands and feet?
It depends how high the risk is, I'd probably go to most destinations.

yellowbasket · 05/11/2019 23:05

You are being fair. You have a fair reason for telling your parents, and a fair reason for not telling his. Congratulations on your pregnancy.

saraclara · 05/11/2019 23:17

@orangeteal Seriously? You haven't come across people who, after promising confidentiality, go and blab, either on purpose or accidentally? You've been very fortunate then.

crosstalk · 05/11/2019 23:27

@tillytrotter1 How did I guess from the title that it would be 'her' parents, they're always number 1.
Read the thread and the OP. It's nothing like that.

It's HER parents who they will be staying with in a potentially malarial area, so if they refuse they probably have to tell her parents why before they wanted to tell anyone. It's HIS parents whom they would not necessarily have to tell YET and the poster feels his parents have form for splurging things on social media before the poster feels ready to tell the world.

BackforGood · 05/11/2019 23:35

What @MintyMabel said.

Generally I am all for treating both sets of Grandparents the same, but I wouldn't tell anybody about my pregnancy that I couldn't trust to keep it secret, until I was ready for everybody to know.

Only you know if the suggestion some posts back about making it really, really clear how important to you it is that they don't share and this will really affect your relationship going forward, - will be enough to stop them sharing.

MitziK · 05/11/2019 23:44

When I took Hydroxychloroquine (for PsA), I asked if it would cover me for overseas travel - the Nurse Practitioner told me that it didn't work for Malaria anymore and I'd still need to take newer drugs if I went somewhere that was high risk.

RoomR0613 · 05/11/2019 23:45

We didn't tell DHs parents until after 12 week scans every time.

MIL is notoriously indiscreet, has absolutely no filter when it comes to gossip and has a complete breakdown if you even hint at suggesting that she shouldn't have shared information. Believe it or not I do like her but it's well known she can't be trusted with secrets.

I've pretty much known about SILs and BILs pregnancies within hours of the pregnancy test being taken (only a slight exaggeration) and then we have all had to feign surprise around 8 weeks later. I swear she goes through everyone's rubbish bins for info. I burn anything remotely confidential now.

Anyway, my parents have known earlier all times due a) my mum worrying how ill I was with pregnancies 1 (miscarriage at 12 weeks) and 2 and needing to be told so she stopped worrying, and for childcare reasons for pregnancy 3. MIL never knew and never will know that as she would be very hurt and not understand even though it's entirely her fault

I think it's fine in this situation.

missyoumuch · 05/11/2019 23:51

I cancelled a work trip in a malaria region while pregnant, the medical advice was that no antimalarial is confirmed safe in pregnancy but it can be prescribed if the trip is essential. But malaria is definitely very bad in pregnancy so in your case I wouldn’t be going at all.

You need to tell your side obviously. My MIL loves FB and is also indiscreet not understanding privacy settings. We told her no posts of our DCs births etc on there, she can make a WhatsApp group for her close family and friends and share that way. She respected it actually so your PILs might also.
Especially if you tell MIL you’re worried about miscarriage - surely as a woman she’d understand that.

WagtailRobin · 05/11/2019 23:53

It's entirely up to you but I don't think it is fair to treat your family one way and his another and could possibly cause resentment later down the line.