To think this was an inappropriate question - Dr??

[DisneyMadeMeDoIt]

Those who have seen my other posts will know I’ve really struggled with my first pregnancy (currently 19+1) and have been VERY unwell with HG!
Thought I’d ‘turned the corner’ a few weeks back but was wrong and spent last week in hospital again (also with severe pain).

My MH has plummeted (isolation, illness, loss of freedom/identity) I’ve become very frail and dependant so for the first time in my life I admitted I was NOT ok and asked my lovely midwife for MH help.

Went to the consultation apt today (lovely MH midwife was joined by a Male Dr who was a bit ‘off’ but seemed ok) asked all the usual questions and stuff I’d been expecting - personal relationships, living situation, stress/anxiety triggers, health concerns...etc.

The Male Dr jumped in several times and sort of ‘took over’ from the MH midwife (who I was there to see) and he basically just repeated back at us things we’d already said...as though he’d just thought of them on his own 🤔
At several point he closed his eyes for long periods whilst I was talking and seemed uninterested BUT then he asked about ‘physical relations’ with my DH- quite openly asking if I was maintaining a regular sex live!

The MH midwife looked uncomfortable and I felt uncomfortable but laughed it off with a ‘When you’ve spent weeks vomiting you don’t feel sexy’ - MH midwife instantly agreed and tried to carry on but Male Dr pushed asking how many times...etc (I’ve also suffered recurrent thrush throughs this pregnancy btw 👍🏻).
In the end I explained (like an awkward teen) that we’ve only DTD a couple of times but have done some ‘other stuff’.

It felt awkward, it felt like the MH midwife felt awkward and I was really puzzled as to what my MH had to do with my DH’s penis 🤔

AIBU to feel a bit weird about this?
Tbh it was the MH Midwife’s reaction that kinda signalled this wasn’t a question usually asked- or one she felt appropriate.

Doesn't sound that weird to me.

Surely regular sex is a sign of a good relationship, which in turn supports your mental health? Drs really don't care about your sex life for any other reason.

You've got no reason to feel ashamed about discussing your sex life, especially in this context. Your midwife's response sounds like she has her own issues.

Hope you are feeling better soon and get all the support you need.

Was he asking in specific relation to the thrush? Otherwise I wouldn’t think it was relevant and would also find the probing quite inappropriate.

I think bearing in mind your other posts and the things you’re dealing with it would be best just to forget about this one

A lack of libido is a big signal of MH issues and also means they can somewhat identify if you are feeling better if any possible issues in that area pick up. Not inappropriate to enquire to gain a broader picture. I am on anti anxiety meds and had to explain to my male GP how they hadn't impacted my libido negatively but had massively impacted orgasms. As a 33 year old woman who has had 3 kids it still shocks me how awkward I feel talking about female sexuality with men but I doubt he was probing for any unprofessional reason. Hope you feel better sickness wise soon

He wasn’t asking in relation to thrush.

He asked about it shortly after I told them I felt my being so unwell had changed the dynamic of our relationship and that I get paranoid DH doesn’t enjoy my company anymore (as I’m always so down/sickly).

(DH adamantly denies this)

The timing came across a bit like:
Me- I’m worried being so poorly is impacting my relationship 😞
Dr- Well how much sex are you having?
Me- 🙄 very little...because I’m sick/have thrush constantly.
Dr- thinking silently Well ofc it’s impacting your relationship- you’re not putting out enough.

^ I think this was why the MW seemed so uncomfortable.

Thanks for the reassurance - I wouldn’t do anything/say anything about it (complain or anything) I just found it a bit odd (mainly the reaction from MW) and wondered if anyone else thought it was weird too.

I feel reassured - I’ve never had MH treatment before so didn’t know what to expect really xx

He doesn't understand HG at all, I had it my entire pregnancy and would have laughed at his question.
I would probably put in some 'feedback' for him to improve his counselling skills (or whatever his role was).

Tbh I don’t think DH is exactly desperate to sex me in my current state (it’s not pretty) 😂
He never asks/initiates (out of respect for me being unwell) and on the rare occasions I’ve gone to him he’s hesitant and I get a lot of ‘are you sure?’, ‘are you feeling ok?’ ‘Shall we put your bucket next to the bed just in case?’ 🙈😂 < who wants to DTD like that??

When I told my mw I was feeling sad and unhappy she immediately asked me about my libido was affected as that is a red flag for further treatment. The MH mw (and possibly other mw too) should have asked you the question and that was probably why she pulled the face.

In my experience many male obstetricians really don’t seem to understand tact or the most appropriate way to put across what they want to say or find out.

Do you mean that your Doctor told you that you're not putting out enough?

Was the doctor your GP or a psychiatrist?

It's pretty regular in a mental health assessment. If the doctor had been female, would you be assuming they were judging you?

Duh. He really doesn't get it, does he?

I would be very, very upset if any HCP suggested that it was somehow my fault that sex wasn't high on my list of priorities when I had recurrent thrush and HG.

Unfortunately there is a sub-section of medical opinion that HG is self-inflicted. (Usually male IME).

I would forget about this appointment and complain about this doctor. He didn't say anything helpful, at the end of the day.

Sounds like your DH understands only too well what your problems are.

Sorry you experienced this. You could ask for another doctor?

Well when he was asking these questions at what point did you speak up and ask if it was relevant? Then you'd probably have found out why he was asking the questions he did.

Not putting out enough

What an appalling thing to say to anyone. And especially so when you have HG and thrush.

@TheMustressMhor Read what the OP wrote. The doctor did not suggest that the OP should be having more sex!

Grow up, it's not inappropriate at all.

I don't think the Dr actually said she wasn't 'putting out enough' she just imagined that he though that...

Feeling very low in pregnancy can often relate to the changing relationships around you, I don't think it's strange to ask questions about your marriage and intimacy, as this can obviously trigger very low mood.

This sounds ridiculous to me. I would complain. I’ve had HG in this pregnancy and if this doctor had even half a clue about how debilitating it is he wouldn’t even have asked the question! I could barely move at times and my husband wouldn’t have even thought about making overtures for sex. Can’t imagine I looked appealing with my head in a bucket mind you!

He didn’t say I should be having more sex- it just felt insinuated due to timing in the conversation.

I’d have felt uncomfortable had anyone asked me. I felt pretty uncomfortable and vulnerable just being there and carry a lot of guilt that I’m not being a great DW atm.

Maybe I did feel a little more ‘judged’ because he was Male, or maybe because his grasp of HG seemed loose at best. Idk really 😞

MH might impact my libido and I understand the relevance of that but HG and thrush all the time definitely impacts my libido so surely it’s a bit of a pointless question? Kinda like asking someone with a broken leg If their shoes are uncomfortable because you’ve noticed they’re hobbling 😂🙈

And I missed the bit about thrush too! No way could you have/want sex with thrush!

I’m impressed you’ve even done anything at all - it’s been the absolute last thing on my mind this pregnancy

I would not be impressed by this tbh. Does he really think that a relationship is all about sex in this situation?

Oh God just the thought of having sex with HG! You poor thing.

Did you find the mental health midwife good/knowledgeable at least? She sounds like she 'got it'.