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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this was an inappropriate question - Dr??

72 replies

DisneyMadeMeDoIt · 05/11/2019 13:25

Those who have seen my other posts will know I’ve really struggled with my first pregnancy (currently 19+1) and have been VERY unwell with HG!
Thought I’d ‘turned the corner’ a few weeks back but was wrong and spent last week in hospital again (also with severe pain).

My MH has plummeted (isolation, illness, loss of freedom/identity) I’ve become very frail and dependant so for the first time in my life I admitted I was NOT ok and asked my lovely midwife for MH help.

Went to the consultation apt today (lovely MH midwife was joined by a Male Dr who was a bit ‘off’ but seemed ok) asked all the usual questions and stuff I’d been expecting - personal relationships, living situation, stress/anxiety triggers, health concerns...etc.

The Male Dr jumped in several times and sort of ‘took over’ from the MH midwife (who I was there to see) and he basically just repeated back at us things we’d already said...as though he’d just thought of them on his own 🤔
At several point he closed his eyes for long periods whilst I was talking and seemed uninterested BUT then he asked about ‘physical relations’ with my DH- quite openly asking if I was maintaining a regular sex live!

The MH midwife looked uncomfortable and I felt uncomfortable but laughed it off with a ‘When you’ve spent weeks vomiting you don’t feel sexy’ - MH midwife instantly agreed and tried to carry on but Male Dr pushed asking how many times...etc (I’ve also suffered recurrent thrush throughs this pregnancy btw 👍🏻).
In the end I explained (like an awkward teen) that we’ve only DTD a couple of times but have done some ‘other stuff’.

It felt awkward, it felt like the MH midwife felt awkward and I was really puzzled as to what my MH had to do with my DH’s penis 🤔

AIBU to feel a bit weird about this?
Tbh it was the MH Midwife’s reaction that kinda signalled this wasn’t a question usually asked- or one she felt appropriate.

OP posts:

koshkat · 05/11/2019 16:33

I agree with Minister. I have had severe mh problems for 20 years or so and never has any mh practitioner asked me anything about my sex life. It is not appropriate and I would flag it with your midwife.

JumpiestBat · 05/11/2019 16:33

I've gone to the doctors for antidepressants on occasion over the years and never been asked about my sex life thank god. (Weirdly the more depressed I was the more sex I had, it was the only bloody thing left I enjoyed and unfortunately ADs stripped me of my ability to orgasm. Hey ho) Back to your Q OP and no, you're not unreasonable to think they were odd questions. Avoid that doctor in future if you can.

TatianaLarina · 05/11/2019 16:34

How naive can people be?

Of course you don’t fancy sex with HG and thrush! Totally irrelevant to your mental health, unless it’s something you flag yourself.

MinisterForCheekyFuckery is one of the few who has this right, and is one of the few who know what they’re talking about.

Honestly, if it were me I’d have just told him to mind his own business upfront.

koshkat · 05/11/2019 16:37

Not in my experience DC3. The only time a dr ever asked me questions about my sex life was many years ago when I was young, single and attractive. I was miscarrying at the time.

He was later struck off for taking advantage of a vulnerable female patient who I feel like I could/should have protected by reporting him.

PumpkinPieAlibi · 05/11/2019 16:49

It's relevant because there's a direct correlation between a decline in mental health and sexual activity. There is also evidence to suggest that regular and fulfilling sexual activity has many health benefits, inclusive of mental health.

MeClavdivs · 05/11/2019 17:14

Surely regular sex is a sign of a good relationship, which in turn supports your mental health?

I'll be honest, having had extra MH support during pregnancy and also having suffered debilitating morning sickness, nobody ever asked me about my sex life at all. There was plenty of opportunity for me to raise anything I wanted to, and I would have felt comfortable talking about it, but I was never questioned.

I'd have been really uncomfortable with a male doctor pressing me for answers like that.

koshkat · 05/11/2019 18:31

It's relevant because there's a direct correlation between a decline in mental health and sexual activity.

Says who? A male person perhaps? I disagree in any case.

GreytExpectations · 05/11/2019 18:41

YABU and over analysing this OP.

Srictlybakeoff · 05/11/2019 18:53

Asking about your sex life is an expected part of a mental health assessment. More experienced practitioners might decide that it doesn’t need to be part of a particular interview, but junior staff members will have been told to ask in every case. They will stick to this because if they discuss the patient with their consultant they will worry about having missed anything out.
Lose of libido is a symptom of depression and sexual difficulties can be associated with previous abusive relationships so it can be an important issue.
I am sorry that you felt uncomfortable and perceived the doctors attitude as judgemental, but some of those feeling might also be to do with how you are feeling at the moment .

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 05/11/2019 19:06

I don’t ever think any question a dr asks is inappropriate tbh.

Believe me, it can be. I've worked with some truly amazing Doctors. But I've also worked with some who, although knowledgeable and competent in most areas, were seriously lacking in interpersonal skills. I remember being in an assessment with a Junior Doctor when a teenage girl tearfully disclosed to us that she had been gang raped by a group of young men and his response was to ask "but why on earth did you get in the car with them in the first place?"

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 05/11/2019 19:17

Surely regular sex is a sign of a good relationship, which in turn supports your mental health?

Again, this is a judgement rather than fact. For me, regular sex would be a sign of a good relationship, yes. But for some couples it won't be that important. Some couples never have sex at all and both parties may be fine with that. Some couples will hate each others guts but still have sex. Also even if you were right and regular sex is "surely" a sign of a good relationship, who defines "regular"? And just because sex happens regularly doesn't mean it's fulfilling or even consensual. So if this Doctor was pressing for details about the frequency of sex in OP's relationship to determine the health of her relationship then he's making a lot of assumptions.

BikeRunSki · 05/11/2019 19:34

OP, I’ve had 2 HG pgs and they were ther miserable times of my life. We did not DTD pretty much from getting a positive test result to CS stitches healing. Fortunately no body asked either!

neonglow · 05/11/2019 19:55

I had no idea why the Dr was there - it wasn’t explained to me and I didn’t know before I went it. Just got there and she said ‘I’ve got the Dr with me today I hope you don’t mind’ didn’t even mention what type of Dr he was - genuinely could have been a time lord for all I knew

So by the sounds of it, it wasn’t even necessary or routine for an additional person to be there?

In that case I wouldn’t be too impressed if I was expecting to see a mental health midwife, and open up about my mental health in a way that would feel very vulnerable and intimate, only to have some random male dr sat there weighing in with stuff the midwife could easily cover.

QuiteGood · 05/11/2019 20:01

It's quite possible to have low libido whether pregnant or not and have no mental health problems whatsoever. I haven't read all your posts but from what I have read he didn't ask if your sex life had reduced which would be most relevant. Shame on the people on here telling a woman having a hard pregnancy & having low mood to grow up & other sneering comments.

I've had mild mental health issues in the past and no one has ever asked about my sex life. They were quite capable of treating me without having to go down that road.

lljkk · 05/11/2019 20:02

It’s is pretty normal to ask about libido in a mental health assessment.

Just knowing that is enough to make me never ask for mental health treatment. I suppose that's a good thing, I'll never waste NHS resources anyway. I'd have to be extremely desperately ill and in need of the system, beyond the point of caring.

Andsoitisjust99 · 05/11/2019 20:43

I've had Hg and I think it sounds like a very very odd question and phrasing... I think you should feed it back that you found it inappropriate and intrusive.

koshkat · 05/11/2019 20:44

Asking about your sex life is an expected part of a mental health assessment
This is just not true.

lljkk I have been seriously ill with my mh issues and spent time in a psych ward, had a year of weekly appts with a CPN and a psychologist, seen countless doctors and mh support workers and NEVER have I been asked this question. People stating that as fact on here are wrong.

Please, please do not let this put you off asking for help if you need it.

lljkk · 05/11/2019 20:45

I (am grateful to report that I) don't need help.

tbh, I had counselling decades ago & never remember a single question about sex life! But it was a long time ago.

koshkat · 05/11/2019 20:47

I am glad about that lljkk. Maybe others who are reading and do need help can take note though and not be worried about asking for help should they need it.

Corna · 05/11/2019 21:04

Minister for cheeky fuckery has wise words. He sounds like a dick and not just because the sex questions but really more the other things you have described such as butting in, closing his eyes etc. I don't know why so many other people are missing the point. Sex can be an indicator of mental health but there is no generalisation to be made about how often you should be having sex esp with thrush and hg.
One thing it took me a long time to realise was that I don't have to answer every question I am asked. Its ok to smile sweetly and say that isn't of relevance to you. If you need help you will ask for it. He sounds like a creep, not just because of the questions but just his general attitude. I hope your pregnancy goes smoothly and you get the support you need.

Skippingabeat · 06/11/2019 01:08

Many questionnaires used for mental health have specific questions used to diagnose Anhedonia, or the lack of capacity to experience pleasure or anticipate pleasure (which is a symptom of schizophrenia and depression).

Some have questions that are general about physical pleasure, and some have specific questions about sexual activities (frequency, do you enjoy it, do you look forward to it..)

While this Dr seems to be inexperienced in how to ask these questions, inconsiderate and lacking in bedside manners, I don't think he was creepy but was just doing his job.

Countryescape · 06/11/2019 01:31

I don’t think it’s that relevant to be honest. Does he really expect you to be getting busy while you are constantly throwing up? He needs to get with it! Doesn’t sound like he’s got any idea what HG is. I had a similar experience where a Dr acted surprised my husband and I weren’t having regular Alex when I was 30 weeks pregnant with twins! It was summer, I was huge and also bleeding a bit. He actually said “so how is your relationship with your husband if you aren’t currently sexually active?”

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