To think this was an inappropriate question - Dr??

[DisneyMadeMeDoIt]

Those who have seen my other posts will know I’ve really struggled with my first pregnancy (currently 19+1) and have been VERY unwell with HG!
Thought I’d ‘turned the corner’ a few weeks back but was wrong and spent last week in hospital again (also with severe pain).

My MH has plummeted (isolation, illness, loss of freedom/identity) I’ve become very frail and dependant so for the first time in my life I admitted I was NOT ok and asked my lovely midwife for MH help.

Went to the consultation apt today (lovely MH midwife was joined by a Male Dr who was a bit ‘off’ but seemed ok) asked all the usual questions and stuff I’d been expecting - personal relationships, living situation, stress/anxiety triggers, health concerns...etc.

The Male Dr jumped in several times and sort of ‘took over’ from the MH midwife (who I was there to see) and he basically just repeated back at us things we’d already said...as though he’d just thought of them on his own 🤔
At several point he closed his eyes for long periods whilst I was talking and seemed uninterested BUT then he asked about ‘physical relations’ with my DH- quite openly asking if I was maintaining a regular sex live!

The MH midwife looked uncomfortable and I felt uncomfortable but laughed it off with a ‘When you’ve spent weeks vomiting you don’t feel sexy’ - MH midwife instantly agreed and tried to carry on but Male Dr pushed asking how many times...etc (I’ve also suffered recurrent thrush throughs this pregnancy btw 👍🏻).
In the end I explained (like an awkward teen) that we’ve only DTD a couple of times but have done some ‘other stuff’.

It felt awkward, it felt like the MH midwife felt awkward and I was really puzzled as to what my MH had to do with my DH’s penis 🤔

AIBU to feel a bit weird about this?
Tbh it was the MH Midwife’s reaction that kinda signalled this wasn’t a question usually asked- or one she felt appropriate.

It sounds to me that when you said you were worried that being poorly was affecting your relationship that he concluded relationship = sex life. Of course your relationship is about more than sex but I suppose lack of libido is a symptom of depression and of HG and lack of sex can negatively impact a relationship.

I don’t think the Dr was necessarily inappropriate, just that his questioning and discussion concentrated on sex rather than focussing on your real concern which is your relationship.

I would try and follow up with the MH MW on her own and tell her you felt uncomfortable and maybe ask her to let the DR know that he read your concerns wrong.

I’ve never been asked about my sex life by a female doctor, other than whether you’re ‘sexually active’ it’s not relevant.

I’d have just told him to mind his own business.

Were you expecting to see a dr as well as the MH midwife?

Just doesn’t sound like he was particularly helpful or offered anything the midwife couldn’t have gone over with you by herself?

If your not happy then put in a formal complaint. Ask Pals or your midwife for the procedure.
It sounds quite off to me, maybe ask about how you are getting on.I think that's enough. I would say that I didn't want him again.

"Quite openly asking me if I'm maintaining a regular sex life" is quite different to "you're not putting out enough". Which was it? Because the first is acceptable, the second is not.

I would say you’re feeling sick, sensitive and fragile and seeing shadows where there are none.

I wonder if the midwife arranged the doctor to join the appointment because she is concerned about you. Why else was he there if your appointment was with the midwife?

Actually Op I suffered terribly until about month five really, but found that sex and orgasms helped tremendously with my low mood (brought on by absolute misery at being so sick all the time and just not enjoying pregnancy at that stage at all) so I don't think it's to be expected that sex is a definite no for everyone. Perhaps he thought it could help? I think orgasms are known to have significant mood boosting benefits - and I was too distracted to feel sick at that point so that massively helped too!

I think if you're explaining your relationship issues to your doctor and midwife this is a valid question, it's likely the mid wife's reaction was due to your own discomfort.

Sometimes health professionals do ask awkward questions they would rather not. I was getting inoculations from the nurse practioner before going on a girly holiday with some mates, and she asked if I was going with my husband, when I said no, she responded with "ok then, don't have unprotected sex with the locals" along with warnings on drinking the water. I was quite astounded she would think I would, or that she thought I looked like I would, but simply assumed she told all women going without partners the same thing.

Least I hope she did.😁

Anyway, don't worry about this, it's fine, focus on your other issues.he was just trying to gauge your relationship as that's what you wished to discussl

I've had recurring MH problems my whole life and in my experience this is a pretty standard question.

I suffered HG twice and quite honestly was suicidal the 2nd time. Sex was absolutely the last thing on my mind, I had sex zero times during both pregnancies. If a male doctor has questioned me on this , well quite honestly I wouldn't have had the strength to even talk to him but I feel angry on your behalf. The medical world has such a huge way to come in relation to it's understanding of HG.

Lots of very valid points so thank you.

It wasn’t my usual MW/Dr this was the MH unit I’d been referred to so they are all MH professionals.

I had no idea why the Dr was there - it wasn’t explained to me and I didn’t know before I went it. Just got there and she said ‘I’ve got the Dr with me today I hope you don’t mind’ didn’t even mention what type of Dr he was - genuinely could have been a time lord for all I knew x

You assumed his intention after he asked a normal question.

I'm surprised by these responses.

To be asked outright if you're having regular sex and then even when you made it clear that you'd been feeling too unwell, to be pushed for specifics about how often you're having sex...that's not "standard" practice in an MH assessment. I was a Mental Health Nurse for years, have been a Mental Health service user myself and care for a relative who has longstanding MH issues so, as you can imagine, I've been been present at a great many mental health assessments. I have never been asked/asked a patient/heard an MH professional ask "how often are you having sex?" as part of an assessment. I'm not surprised your midwife looked uncomfortable. As a Mental Health Nurse I would have been uncomfortable if a Medic had questioned a patient like that and I would have challenged them on the relevance and manner of their questioning afterwards.

It's perfectly reasonable to be asked in an MH assessment how you feel things are going in terms of your relationships. Sometimes that naturally leads to patients choosing to disclose low libido/other sexual issues, which is fine if they want to talk about it but it's also perfectly fine if they don't. Those saying he "had to" ask because low libido is a "red flag" symptom for mental health issues. It really isn't. It's merely one potential symptom of low mood out of many, many potential symptoms and it's far from the most concerning. It's also not uncommon for pregnant women to report some loss of libido anyway, irrespective of their MH. Especially with HG! Not wanting to have sex when you're constantly sick and exhausted is perfectly natural, depressed or not so doesn't really tell us anything about a woman's mental state. Also there's absolutely no way that knowing how frequently/infrequently you're having sex could inform his assessment as what's infrequent for you could be completely normal for another couple. There's no criteria here like "having sex 1 or more times a week= euthymic, less than once per week= depressed" so why did he need to push OP for specifics? I can't think why he felt the need to push for that level of detail unless he's letting his own personal views about how much sex people should be having in a relationship interfere with his assessment, which would be highly inappropriate. Or he's just prying, which is also highly inappropriate.

OP, it sounds like you trust and have a good rapport with your midwife. I would mention it to her next time you see her.

The op was telling them her relationship concerns. In that context I can see why it's valid.

I can't see how it's valid at all. Because each couple is different and the number of times each couple has sex could be different, it's an irrelevant number.

Next time anyone says "Ive got so and so with me do you mind" say yes I do mind and no thanks, not today. Dont agree to this sort of thing again.

The doctor sounds like a bit of a dick but I agree with someone upthread who said you have a lot to deal with already; sadly once you have kids you normally find yourself up against a lot of medical professionals and not all have great bedside manners

I don’t ever think any question a dr asks is inappropriate tbh.

I hope you feel better soon x

sorry that it's not relevant at all, but you haven't lost a fantastic turn of phrase. You had me giggling both at "genuinely could have been a time lord for all I knew x" and "pointless question? Kinda like asking someone with a broken leg If their shoes are uncomfortable because you’ve noticed they’re hobbling 😂🙈"

@DisneyMadeMeDoIt

It might be worth raising this as a concern [rather than a complaint] with the practice complaints procedure

I don’t ever think any question a dr asks is inappropriate tbh.

Really? Really?

Hmmm I have had mental health issues since teens including during pregnancy/postnatally and have never been asked about that. The only time I’ve ever been asked (I’m 32) was when I was being tested for a hormone issue.

I don’t particularly think it’s inappropriate to mention libido etc as it is a big part of life and wellbeing. Really sounds like he dwelled too long on it though and while I’m generally very comfortable talking about sex that would have made me uncomfortable. It surely only needs to be a quick “how’s your sleep/appetite/libido” as an indicator of mood changes etc.

If you don't like or trust the doctor, request a different one. My first birth I had a weird, misogynist Ob/Gyn, I so wish now that I'd had the confidence to ask for someone else.

It’s is pretty normal to ask about libido in a mental health assessment.

But in reality, people more commonly miss these questions than include them...the answers don’t often add very much to the diagnosis, treatment and management plan, so often the intrusion doesn’t feel justified.

Although, now and again there can be some big drive reminding staff, “MAKE SURE YOU ASK ABOUT LIBIDO!!!” “MAKE SURE YOU ASK ABOUT SEX!!!” “MAKE SURE YOU ASK ABOUT SEXUAL SIDE-EFFECTS!!!” and everyone does it for a few days, shoe-horning these topics in, unnaturally because they don’t commonly do it.

So I guess I’d say, go with your gut. It does sound a bit weird but there could be a perfectly rational explanation. It seems unlikely that there would be malintent in front of your midwife...