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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is it worthy of leaving?

88 replies

JoRob1 · 05/11/2019 04:53

Okay so... my boyfriend has lost my coat. Sounds minor right?

My late father purchased a coat for me before he died - valued at £1600. My financially abusive scrounging boyfriend wears it as he doesn’t own one “that nice” it’s not
obviously a girls jacket either.

After an argument yesterday of me not being able to lend him £600 he went to his friends to get drunk. I have been kindly asking him to stay away from this friend for a few weeks as they are extremely toxic and cause trouble, also I feel somewhat disrespected as my other half sits and has meals with these people when 99% of the time I’m having a ready meal for one. He has lost my coat and cannot find it and there’s a slight chance someone in the house where he was has stolen it. I don’t have anything nice anymore due to him bleeding me dry, also the coat was a gift off my dad and can’t be replaced. I feel sick looking at him for being so reckless and irresponsible with my things, I don’t want him touching me and I’m awake now extremely upset thinking about how hard my parents worked to buy me such a nice item - and how someone who is nothing but a scrounger and a snake hasn’t cared for it enough to get it home to me. I don’t want him anymore.

Am I being unreasonable here? Is it just a coat? Or is he a complete waste of space?

OP posts:
SteelRiver · 05/11/2019 05:50

For the sake of your mental health, and your finances, you need to be rid of this leech. Bin him right now. Meantime, I'd do as another poster has suggested, go round the house of these mates and kick up a stink. It'll show him up and might help you feel you at least tried to get your dad's gift back.
Sending you best wishes, OP. You deserve so much more and not to be treated so shabbily.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/11/2019 05:50

Did you know he was taking your coat? I’d contact the police about this.

Definitely dump him. Stop paying the phone contract if you can. He is horrible and you are only with him because you’re vulnerable from losing your dad.

Original poster
JoRob1 · 05/11/2019 05:51

I know full well he hasn’t sold it or swapped it for anything. The people he associates with have absolutely nothing.

OP posts:
Original poster
JoRob1 · 05/11/2019 05:53

I’m tempted to go round, however I feel so unnerved by it I feel like if I see her I’m going to end up doing something regretful and losing even more of my life

OP posts:
BuzzShitbagBobbly · 05/11/2019 05:53

OP you know what you want (and need) to do. You have spent this whole thread listing reasons to break up with him.

Sometimes we are paralysed with the fear of actually making the final call, so I'm here (along with pp) to say:

Breaking up with him IS the right thing. You ARE worth more. You CAN do this. You WILL thrive without him leeching off you.

Deep breath, big girl pants hoiked, best foot forward...

BettyRoo · 05/11/2019 05:54

I agree to report it stolen - by him if no-one else.

I also agree that you are only with him because you were vulnerable from losing your dad.

I also agree that he should be out the door. You know he is bleeding you dry. You know this will not improve. You cannot plan a future with this man.

What support do you have? Is the home yours? Can you just ask him to pack his things (and only his things) and leave?

Countryescape · 05/11/2019 05:56

He’s spent it on drugs or booze.

Original poster
JoRob1 · 05/11/2019 05:57

I know for a fine fact my coat hasn’t been sold or swapped for drugs or alcohol. He is too proud to even do that as he wouldn’t let anyone know he was such a tramp to swap a 1600 coat for a bottle of corona.

OP posts:
BillHadersNewWife · 05/11/2019 06:18

Find the girl and get it back. I'd be climbing into her bloody window....sorry OP, this is awful! I know you can't really climb in her window but you could watch out for her and then appeal to her good nature.

clairedelalune · 05/11/2019 06:19

Deffo go to the police.
Is it insured? While i know it wouldn't be the same, a replacement could be an option?
But deffo go to the police.

MitziK · 05/11/2019 06:23

He's probably shoved them in a bin somewhere. Just to make sure you don't have them.

And you'd be surprised how low a drunk will stoop to try to convince themselves that they aren't a piece of shit and to punish whoever has dared to say no to them.

My version wanted my brand new lambswool blanket because it was nice. I said no. He boil washed it in retaliation and then put it in the tumble drier for 2 hours, claiming that it wasn't his fault, it must have been DD deliberately changing the programs. My only regret is that he didn't manage to set it (and himself) on fire in the process. My decent watch (£120, but I'd bought it for myself) disappeared. My jumpers disappeared. All because I had dared to get nice things for myself and not him.

You might think he's too proud, but believe me, those sort of drunks will eat half a kebab out of the bin when nobody's looking, all the time insisting that they aren't a tramp.

Original poster
JoRob1 · 05/11/2019 06:25

@MitziK they’re fuckin scum aren’t they.

OP posts:
hazell42 · 05/11/2019 06:25

Darling you should leave him.
But not because of the coat
He doesnt respect you, and it has got so far under your skin that you loathe him.
What is there to stay for?
Throw him out, then do something nice in memory of your dad.
A coat is just a coat. I'm sure your dad would gladly saceifice it in order to see you free of this man horrible man

Original poster
JoRob1 · 05/11/2019 06:27

He’s asked me for a drink of water. I’ve lost my temper and just said to not expect me home tonight after work. I’ve basically just called my boyfriend a cancer and that he has touched so many things in my life, and every single thing touched by him he’s ruined. He is upset. I am glad.

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 05/11/2019 06:27

Why have you spent so much money on this waste of space?

You aren't his girlfriend. You are his cash cow. Does he work or just stay at home and smoke weed all day?

As you can tell from every response on here it is bloody obvious he has absolutely no respect or regard for you.

You need to find some self respect, put those big girl knickers on and dump him.

MitziK · 05/11/2019 06:31

You've called your EX boyfriend a cancer and he's whining about it.

Follow through. If he would have to pay for everything (ie, he's on the tenancy), don't come back. Otherwise, come back and tell him you've thought about it and you were wrong - he needs to leave immediately and you'll call the police if he doesn't.

He's obviously got somewhere to stay, after all.

TubbyMcTat77 · 05/11/2019 06:43

Your father bought you that coat because he loved you and wanted you to have something nice. Your partner isn't the same sort of man. Get rid.

FWIW I had an ex just like this. Couldn't stand to see me with anything nice because he was such a work shy, gambling loser that he never had any money of his own to get nice things. I ended up skint while he reaped the rewards of my hard work. If I ever got anything new at all he had to have the male equivalent of it immediately. Needless to say life got a lot better when I dumped him.

nannybeach · 05/11/2019 07:13

You need to get rid of this man straight away, forget the material things in life, they are not the most important. People who love and value you are.

Original poster
JoRob1 · 05/11/2019 07:39

He was love bombing me all day. I can’t bring myself to say it back. He’s said to me “you don’t love me anymore do you”. I’m afraid ur right.

OP posts:
maddening · 05/11/2019 07:42

Report the girl to the police.

Ltb.

Ruddywax · 05/11/2019 07:45

He must've been a fantastic shag to put up with all this. Glad you're finally getting rid.
I'd put money on sold it too.. he sounds exactly the sort..

Original poster
JoRob1 · 05/11/2019 07:49

I’ve been talking at him for almost 2 hours. I need to get ready for work. Great.

I even shown him a picture of me before I met him, happy, free and with so much self esteem, to now, where I look sad constantly. And I just basically said that’s what he has done to me. He is very upset. Good.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 05/11/2019 07:51

Op you need to stop and just leave. Just go and don’t look back thendisengage financially

MRex · 05/11/2019 07:51

If your dad could pick priorities, he would want you to leave this relationship. Please split up now before you waste any more of your life with this loser. You don't need to discuss it with him; just pack, redirect your post and go off to start living.

NearlyGranny · 05/11/2019 07:52

Tell him you won't be round to see him until your stuff reappears. Make him a list. If it all comes back, see him once to dump him.

Are you absolutely sure your distinctive coat and the watch are not on someone's ebay, gumtree or marketplace? Have a really good look...