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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

What the fuck am I doing?

69 replies

Whothefeckami · 04/11/2019 21:53

I already know I'm being unreasonable but I really need helpful advice.
I split from my DH in the summer after quite a serious incident. I loved and still love him with all my heart but due to the nature of said incident didn't see any way back from it.
In the chaos of my mind in the aftermath of this I quickly fell into a 'relationship' with my first love/boyfriend.
I know my marriage will never be the same but I love my H and miss him so much, I also feel strongly about the lovely guy I'm seeing although there are many issues there. Please help me find my way as im competly lost at the moment.

OP posts:
Summercamping · 04/11/2019 22:00

Honestly? I would ditch the new guy and take some time to grieve your marriage before moving forward to a new relationship. Sorry, it's horrible Flowers

user1473878824 · 04/11/2019 22:02

Exactly what @summercamping said

Original poster
Whothefeckami · 04/11/2019 22:06

Even if things had moved extremely quick as in the l word being mentioned..... plus what if my marriage can work on another level... I'm so confused by it all

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 04/11/2019 22:08

Your rekindled relationship with your old boyfriend is a massive mistake. You are in no way emotionally ready to be involving yourself with another man. End it, and end things fully with your husband. Sorry to be harsh, but your current angst is your own doing I'm afraid.

Butterymuffin · 04/11/2019 22:09

What other level? You've said it was a serious incident and you can't see a way back from it. What's now making you think differently?

Agree with pp, don't jump into anything else too quickly. If it's right for you long term, it'll still be there a bit further down the line.

Majorcollywobble · 04/11/2019 22:09

Put things on hold with both of them till you have your head sorted out . Its crazy to be on this awful merry go round of emotion .

lolawasashowgirl · 04/11/2019 22:10

I'm not sure how people can give valuable advice based on the limited info you've given. Can you tell us more about the 'incident' with your husband?

SleepingStandingUp · 04/11/2019 22:12

Honestly I think you need to dump new bloke and tell him you need some space. Give yourself time to get over H or decide if you an get back with him and then look at a new relationship

overnightangel · 04/11/2019 22:12

It’s hard to say if the marriage is salvageable without knowing what happened

Original poster
Whothefeckami · 04/11/2019 22:14

Butterymuffin... I honestly don't know what level... it would mean keeping our relationship separate from both our families. He behaved badly but has admitted to needing help to work out why but in the years we were together it was one incident. Do i throw it away orstand by and help him.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 04/11/2019 22:16

Well it was one incident where he what? It makes all the difference. Shouted verbal abuse at you - workable if he deals with it. Downloaded child porn? Never. Likely somewhere in the middle so impossible to answer

userxx · 04/11/2019 22:17

You're making things a whole lot more complicated by bringing someone else into the mix. You need time alone, completely alone.

lolawasashowgirl · 04/11/2019 22:20

What was the incident?

Anotherlongdrive · 04/11/2019 22:20

Hang on. You are getting serious with a new man, whilst contemplating wethwr you marriage is really over or not.

You are obviously emotional and confused.

But come on, that's no way to treat the new guy. Just stringing him along until you decide.

Surely he deserves better than being an someones back up option.

Original poster
Whothefeckami · 04/11/2019 22:22

That's pretty much it... was a bit aggressive while under the influence. Not exactly physical but scary and in front of kids. Very apologetic afterwards bit kids want Nothing to do with him after seeing me physically abused previously. Which j totally get.
Again a one time incident but I went into defensive mode and shut down completely... enter first boyfriend and I saw the past I suppose. Its not how it was 25 years ago btw!!!!

OP posts:
MajesticWhine · 04/11/2019 22:22

It sounds like you could do with a bit of a break to work out what you want, but there is not enough info to comment.

Original poster
Whothefeckami · 04/11/2019 22:25

Completely right ANOTHERLONGDRIVE! I am the worst person ever,, honestly never meant for this to happen.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 04/11/2019 22:31

You're not the worst person ever or anything like that, but you are making some poor choices right now. Can you find a counsellor you can talk all this through with? It would be worth paying for to get your head straight.

MitziK · 04/11/2019 22:34

'just one incident'? Drink involved? In front of children?

No, your original relationship will NEVER WORK.

Do what you want with the current guy, but do not entertain the slightest possibility of getting back with your ex.

Yestermo · 04/11/2019 22:38

So not your children's dad?
You need to 100% be on your own..concentrate on the kids. Concentrate on having fun with friends. Concentrate on your own wellbeing: get fit, get a better more enjoyable job, make new friends, a new hobby, enjoy your children. Don't mess up your head with an affair with your ex. Your kids need you to show them that they are more important than any man.

Jenasaurus · 04/11/2019 22:41

You say he was physically violent towards you in front of the children. I understand your thinking that its over and no way back, especially with the DC wanting no more to do with him after witnessing him attack their mother. Its hard because you still love him and its not of your doing, but I don't think you should consider going back to him.

Does he have an issue with alcohol, if he had treatment for that, maybe a friendship, or amicable relationship could develop but it sounds like your DC are feeling like they want to keep their distance which is understandable.

Like PP have said, I would end the new relationship as that just complicates things, you do need to take some time to heal before you embark on anything else, I know it hurts as feelings don't switch off even when something like that happens, but time really does help heal things, and you will feel happy again, best of luck Op

Minionoftheantichrist · 04/11/2019 22:44

I agree that you need to take time to get your head around what happened and the end of your marriage without anyone else being in involved. You sound like you are bouncing from husband to old boyfriend and now wonderIng if there’s a way forward for you and H again. This sounds like the recipe for confusion and stress and the real risk of making a decision that isn’t the best for you.

Now is not a good time to start a new relationship. It’s so easy to make a bad decision when you head is all over the place and you don’t really know what you want.

The incident with your H was serious enough to end the relationship, even if it was a one off. Some things only need to happen the once for you to see the red flag flying and wisely draw a line beneath things. The likelihood of there being further incidents in the future is very real. It is rare that a one off thing stays a one off thing.

You don’t need to spring from one man to the other. You can and will be fine on your own till you feel more calm and can see more clearly.

ReanimatedSGB · 04/11/2019 22:48

Was this 'one' incident the last in a series of lesser incidents, by any chance? Had your H been getting steadily more unpleasant when drunk, and finally pushed you around physically rather than just namecalling or shouting?

3luckystars · 04/11/2019 22:58

You need to be on your own for a while to figure everything out.

Good luck.

ymf117 · 04/11/2019 23:00

You need to be single for a bit, not fair on anyone