What the fuck am I doing?

[Whothefeckami]

I already know I'm being unreasonable but I really need helpful advice.
I split from my DH in the summer after quite a serious incident. I loved and still love him with all my heart but due to the nature of said incident didn't see any way back from it.
In the chaos of my mind in the aftermath of this I quickly fell into a 'relationship' with my first love/boyfriend.
I know my marriage will never be the same but I love my H and miss him so much, I also feel strongly about the lovely guy I'm seeing although there are many issues there. Please help me find my way as im competly lost at the moment.

Your username and thread title say it all - this is totally the wrong time to embark on a new relationship.

Nope H is the loveliest man and there was nothing beforehand to suggest this may happen. And he is taking steps to discover why he had this episode.
I think there has been some confusion as H never physically attacked me but yes DC were present when this incident occurred. The physical aggression they witnessed was at the hands of their father towards me not my H.

I know it’s easier said than done but I’d have a bit of time being single to spend time on yourself

It rather depends on whether he has a drinking problem, a one-off drunk person can be aggresive, overly passionate, wreckless, or vulnerable. If he doesn't have a drink problem, I would have thought it could be forgiven, after he apologised to the children and yourself. If you believe he has a drink problem, then distance yourself from it.

Stop seeing both and get some counselling for yourself to help you sort out what you want.

Presumably their father isn't the one you have gone back to?

Because that would be out of the fireplace into the fire.

*frying pan

Well you're obviously waiting for people here to come along and tell you that it could work with your ex/it worked for them/ignore your family etc. Regardless of how it will mess up and hurt your kids.

Load of bollocks. Do what you want to do, sounds like you will anyway. You wouldn't be the first.

Well any actions you are taking now, as in getting involved with this man on the rebound, are coming from very unclear thinking and probably motivated by pain, feeling hurt and wanting to avoid feeling pain. No wonder you are feeling confused...it's a confusing situation.
This all sounds as if it's only going to get messier and result in more pain and hurt feelings.
Best advice; break it off with the new guy. If he's the right one for you, he still will be some time down the line.
Take time for yourself to come to terms with the possible end of marriage. Have you considered or are open to couples counsellinh/mediation? It's not just for couples wanting to repair a marriage but also for coming to terms with the end of a marriage.
After some time, with whatever healing you may need, you may have a different perspective and a clearer outlook on what you want.

‘He’s the liveliest man’
‘It wasn’t physical’
‘It hasn’t been escalating’
‘He’s apologised
‘He’s trying to work out why/how it happened’

You love him.

Is he not allowed to make a mistake?

He was a bit drunk & a bit aggressive (but not physically) It feels like he’s being lumped in with the kids Dad & I think that’s unfair.

How old are your kids?

The first time is always a one off. Until the next time as you know.

Freedom Programme is your friend for you and your children going forward.

You need to back slowly away from BOTH men (and any others you come across) until you figure your own head out. You are not in the right 'head' place to make a decision about your marriage or this new relationship.

I suggest you see a counselor for help in working things through.

Op it might help people give advice if you actually said what happened on the day and consequently

@Whothefeckami I'm having a hard time understanding what your husband did. Are you saying your husband got physically aggressive towards some third party while drunk and in front of you and your children? And you and your children are particularly sensitive to witnessing physical aggression because the father of your children (who is not your husband) got physically aggressive towards you on a previous occasion?

So your dc father is not your one incident dh? You had left their father due to DV which dc witnessed?

How old are your children? I don't want to sound harsh but you need to put them first and be alone with them. I really hope they haven't met the new man yet.
Your children are vulnerable. Get counselling. Be alone with them and get your head straight.

I think op had a boyfriend who was nice.
Then a husband who was physically agreessive in front of the kids
Then a partner who was verbally aggressive once in front of the kids.
She broke up with partner and is now with first bf

Wasn't married to DC father. DC 17 & 12. DV witnessed and yes all sensitized.

With DH 5 years married 2 and half. Never been any issue bar this one incident. For clarification we had both had some alcohol, he more than I. He got aggressively in mine and oldest son space and nasty verbally. Which he apologised for following day but by then damage was done with regards to DC feelings towards him. I was in shock.

New guy is old flame from 25 years ago.

@Whothefeckami

How much time has passed since the incident with DH? I think it could be ok, if he shows signs of change over a relatively significant time frame and this was truly a one time thing. You do need to make sure this isn't the 'happy' phase of the domestic violence cycle though. If there have been other warning signs with DH, or new signs show up, then run and don't look back.

Regarding the old flame, it sounds too early to jump into a different relationship. You need to finish your emotional business with your husband one way to the other before you bring someone else into the mix.

I'm sorry but if it was one incident so bad for ur older son to feel he never wants to see him again it's a huge understatement you're making about how aggressive and abusive this was

Some things are deal breakers and can not be gotten over.
Jumping into another relationship is one of the ways we prevent ourselves from making the mistake of giving a second chance to a person we know we should not give a second chance to.
Trouble is it also distracts us and prevents us from processing our grief and so we emotionally whipsaw the way you are doing now.

Take your time. Give yourself the gift of time to focus on yourself and the kids.

@RebeccaSterling
Been 4 months since it all happened.
He's not drank since and there was never any slightest hint of anything untoward before either.
I'm more and more thinking I over reacted due to past experience..
I agree I need time to think over my marriage.
I have no idea what to say to cut ties with new guy. He seems to be very serious but that may be a rebound thing to as he's just out 17 year relationship in April past and is having some ex issues himself.

@kateandme
It obviously was bad enough as no one should have to deal with that kind of behaviour and there's no good excuse.
Everyone sometimes makes a mistake though. I've no intention of having DH back in my DC home but I'm exploring the possibility my marriage might not be over completely.

"HotExBfwe need to talk. These last few months have been great but I'm realising my head is still over the place and I feel like I need some time to be single, focus on what's happened with my marriage and I need to be single for thst. I'm skrry

@SleepStandingUp
Thank you... I would have waffled on for ages.. thank you.