What the fuck am I doing?

[Whothefeckami]

I already know I'm being unreasonable but I really need helpful advice.
I split from my DH in the summer after quite a serious incident. I loved and still love him with all my heart but due to the nature of said incident didn't see any way back from it.
In the chaos of my mind in the aftermath of this I quickly fell into a 'relationship' with my first love/boyfriend.
I know my marriage will never be the same but I love my H and miss him so much, I also feel strongly about the lovely guy I'm seeing although there are many issues there. Please help me find my way as im competly lost at the moment.

No people dont make this kind of "mistake"! What a ridiculous thing to say.abuse is never just a mistake.and u will then be going against ur kids by carrying with this man.how will that make them feel that mum is still somehow 'having some kind of relationship'with someone who frightened them to such a level.

I'm more and more thinking I over reacted due to past experience..

No, you reacted appropriately due to your past experience.
So did your DS.
Separating gave a good message to your children that you are a woman with self respect and respect for her children.

Presumably your past experience involved multiple 'incidents' or 'episodes'?
There was a first incident, no?

How long between ending it with the DCs' father and starting the relationship with H?

You need to be single for a while and in that time you need to refocus on your children. They need you to be 100% there for them.

You also need to focus on yourself in a healthy way. You need to do the Freedom Programme.

You need to work on your need to forgive and your need to be in a relationship. Those traits are not strengths right now.

Completely right ANOTHERLONGDRIVE! I am the worst person ever,, honestly never meant for this to happen.

You arent the worst person ever. Thats all very martyr-ish behaviour.

But what you are doing isnt nice or kind. You are leading him on. You are making them think theres a future, when you have no clue.

You have no business, letting him think it's got a future when you dont know. You are going through an emotional time. I get it's easy to get swept up at times like these. But that doesnt change that you arent being honest and leading him on. The new man doesnt needn't be involved in this.

I also agree with Math. You need look at why, you want to ho back and you why you need ri be in a relationship.

I am guessing, part of why you have got involved so quickly with someone else, seriously, is (in part) because you dont want to be single.

So have ended it with new guy saying what was suggested and that I'm so sorry for hurt I've caused.
Recieved thus back

I'll never forgot how happy I was seeing you with * and * and how much they loved you almost instantly. I can't believe we can't be a family anymore. This is too difficult to put into words. I'm going away now for a while, i can't deal with this. I love you with every inch of my soul, i really can't deal with losing you like this. I would've done anything for you honey, absolutely anything. This hurts so much, I'm sorry for everything

Feel like a total CF.

I also spoke to him on the phone and tries to explain that since I was 18 I've only ever been someone's partner, wife and mother. My head is fucked and I really have no idea who I am or what I want/need.
I had no idea he was going to feel that way about me as the has left me twice before, so to me this was going to be a fuck, then it got all intense.

Christ. He sounds way too intense, bordering on mad. Step away.

Pp is right.

He is far too intense.

He will keep on at this with the intention of changing your mind.

Have you met his kids? So since summer you met a new man and are involved with his kids?

Neither you or him are making good rational decisions.

@Anotherlongdrive
I agree completely... all happened far too quick for us both and probably neither of us thinking very straight.

I've known him for just over 23 years, probably should have said that my oldest child (DS Age 23) is his. Fell pregnant after 3 months together and He left me when I was 3 months pregnant but we have always kept in touch.
Had a brief sexual encounter when he split with his fiance briefly, he went back to her and married 14ish years ago, and I was single. They split in april this year.
His messages are getting quite nasty, I don't know what to reply as I know he's hurting

Wow....that's a drip feed. He is the father of one of your children?

Look op, I did the same. Started seeing someone casually, as a bit if fun. It started getting too serious too quickly. As soon as I felt that, I ended it. Just like you have.

Him hurting, isnt a reason to accept him getting nasty. This is all far too messy. His children are your sons half siblings.

Messing them about isnt good for anyone and could cause lots if problems?

Has he been around your, younger kids? More than he was before or as your boyfriend?

Stop replying to him, breakup is done and nothing good will come from talking with someone who is being nasty.

You need to stay single for a while, you aren't in the place for a relationship.

Re your exH. Once is enough,.especially in front of traumatised children. You need to understand that if you do consider getting back with your exH you could irreparably damage your relationship with your children.

Actually, have you posted about him before.

Simeone else posted. Split with ther dh. Their ex, and father of their adult child split with his wife just before. The OP then started seeing the ex and got far too serious far too quickly.

This all seems very familiar.

Yep found out...
And u were all right... such a mess!

From what I remember there was more to this mess as well. The ex moving close and other things.

No one wanted to be right op, but other people can often see these things coming from a mile away. When we cant. I know you were not happy with those responses, I believe you had the thread deleted?

But now might be the time, to listen to people, even if you dont want to. Think about what people are saying. They are not saying it to be dicks.

He left you when you were 3 months pregnant. Criminy!

2nd rule of misogyny: Women saying no to men is a hate crime.

When they move from trying to guilt us to getting nasty it is time to go no contact.

His messages are getting quite nasty, I don't know what to reply as I know he's hurting

He is hurting???????

You have a singular gift of misunderstanding everything dangerous that men do to you and say to you and making very boneheaded decisions based on this.

If a man gets nasty with you, you tell him to cease and desist, then block him on your phone and all social media. You keep all text messages and voice recordings and if he continues to try to contact you, you get a restraining order.

You do not worry about him hurting.

He is a grown up choosing to play silly lovesick teenager games.

He will recover. He doesn't need your help. None of the losers you seem attracted to need your help.

I know and absolutely am taking in this time all that is being said. only social media I have is Instagram so easy to sort that and all other methods of contact deleted or blocked.
Thank you for helping me find the strength to do things right this time x

Block all exes. Keep them blocked. They are abusive. For your sake and your DCs don’t catapult yourself into a relationship. Spend time learning that you can be on your own, make good choices regarding men and have a look at The Freedom Programme online to give you the information and power you need when it comes to being alert to abuse in all its many forms. You can do this.

OP take some time out. Not just for your kids sake. But for your own sake.

Good luck.