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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Disciplining 6 year old DS - no dinner or tv

79 replies

emeraldravine · 04/11/2019 18:28

We have 2 DS's - 6 and 3 years old.

DH and I are in disagreement over how to discipline DS1. DH is definitely a soft touch when it comes to our children but I am quick to temper so I don't know if I've been unreasonable here.

DH and DS came home at 5.30pm after an after school swimming lesson, I was making dinner and DS2 was watching tv. DS1 wanted to watch tv and I shouted through that dinner was nearly ready so he could watch tv later.

I put dinner down and DS1 hid the remote so I couldn't change it from kids tv and he then refused to eat his dinner. I found the remote, changed the channel and then DS1 started crying loudly.

Refused point blank to eat his dinner because he didn't want what was put down - this is another bone of contention as we often make separate dinners and I'm fed up with that. Tonight's dinner was pasta which he eats!

We all finished our dinner and DS1 didn't touch his so I told him he'd get nothing to eat until breakfast now. DH said he could watch tv in our room. I said no.

I spoke to DH alone and he said he'd back me up but didn't think it was fair as DS1 had been at school all day and then swimming and he let DS2 watch some tv before he was going to change the channel but then dinner was ready.

In the time it's taken to write this DS1 has fallen asleep on the sofa! He has never fallen asleep in the afternoon. He has been getting up earlier than usual lately then had a full day at school followed by a swimming lesson.

Gah. This parenting malarkey is difficult and I don't know whether I'm doing the right thing.

Can anyone give me pointers on this? I won't let him go to bed hungry now although if he'd stropped all night I may have because I'm pretty stubborn!

OP posts:

Gazelda · 04/11/2019 20:01

I'm with shiningstar2. It seems mad to say that he can't watch tv during dinner but adults can watch 'their' programmes.

Did he have a snack between school and swimming?

His behaviour was probably caused by hunger and tiredness. But once he'd misbehaved, I'd have switched off the tv. I'd have also offered him the dinner he earlier refused, but to be fair to him it sounds as though it's quite common to be offered an alternative if he doesn't like what's in front of him.

So from his point of view the whole evening has been unfair. Sibling got to watch tv. Adults get to watch tv through dinner, no alternative dinner offered when he's always had this privilege in the past. NOw no dinner or tv. I know he'll survive, and it's right that he's disciplined for cheekiness, but I do feel sorry for the poor little mite.

Nonnymum · 04/11/2019 20:07

He is probably exhausted and hungry and looked forward to coming home from school and relaxing. I get that probably everyone was tired but I think he was disapointed that he couldnt watch the programme expecially as he saw his brother watching it.And at 6 children cant control their emotions properly, I really dont think punishment would improve things here. Maybe you need to rethink the routine when he has swimming lesson after school. Also does he normally just fall asleep like that. Might he be coming down with something?

Lipperfromchipper · 04/11/2019 20:07

I’m with @Quartz2208 I think the whole evening was out of order. He had a whole day of school and then swimming, walks in the door and sees his dB relaxing and watching tv. He just wanted 5mins, I would have said “ hey DS I know your tired and it’s your turn to sit down but let’s have dinner and then I’ll give you half an hour etc of tv by yourself” he’s 6 not 16!! He doesn’t know how to vocalise all those emotions at once( tired, jealous, sad, let down, angry) I’m sorry OP but anger was not the emotion he needed. He needed empathy and compassion and a hug!

oblada · 04/11/2019 20:13

Would it be worth cutting down on the TV altogether? I found it turned my kids into moody monsters so no TV during the week it is, certainly not at 'key' times such as morning whilst getting ready (sure way to lead to tantrums) or in the evening close to dinner time when hungry/tired/hangry.

I don't agree that food is being used as a punishment here. Just a natural consequence. Keep it available for him but it's his choice. If you do have to give him an alternative keep it simple.

Original poster

emeraldravine · 04/11/2019 20:14

Thanks all.

I woke him up with a cuddle and asked what he would like to eat and he wanted toast so made him a couple of slices. I understand completely that he was very tired.

To answer some posters about whether I was going to change the tv to an adult programme then, yes. To put it into context, the tv is ALWAYS on kids shows. It drives me demented. The only time it isn't is a Saturday evening. DS1 does not take kindly to this. Last night (Sunday) I put something on and he shouted at me "Come on! It's not even Saturday night!". We have created a rod for our own back... It is something I'm trying to tackle.

We have a dining room that we have gotten out of the habit of using. I think it's probably time to start using it again.

OP posts:

Beansandcoffee · 04/11/2019 20:17

After swimming he will be very tired and hungry. In future for tea can your H start tea like beans on toast or scrambled eggs so that it is ready as soon as you get in from swimming. Don’t use food as reward or punishment. It can backfire and a child will do the same when they are older and not eat. No TV until after tea on that night.

mrsmuddlepies · 04/11/2019 20:20

I can't help but compare this to the earlier thread when a mother confessed to shouting and screaming at her toddler. Not a one off either. There were a lot of kind, supportive comments. A number of the mothers confessed to being 'moody monsters' at times, or words to that effect.
Should these mothers be punished, perhaps not be allowed to switch off and watch tv? Of course not, so why be so harsh, why the desire to 'punish' a small child.
I am always surprised by the supportive comments to upset women compared to the desire to punish, discipline small children.

LordProfFekkoThePenguinPhD · 04/11/2019 20:20

Maybe make it a special ‘movie night’ treat with popcorn on a Friday or Saturday rather than on demand tv. I very rarely have the tv on if I’m in by myself I have recently discovered and it is bliss!

Quartz2208 · 04/11/2019 20:21

I thought you were turning the TV off not making the poor child watch adult tv with his meal - no wonder he complained!

Definitely start with the dining room

mrsmuddlepies · 04/11/2019 20:23

Just seen your update OP. Well done for relenting on the supper issue. It is not worth battling with a small, hungry, upset child. Making friends before bed is always the right thing to do

Original poster

emeraldravine · 04/11/2019 20:25

@Gazelda

I can totally see this point of view. I have mental health issues that I'm trying to work through and have taken my eye off the parenting ball and have been far too lax with screen time because it's the only way I've been able to get through it. I am hopefully coming out the other side now but this has resulted in me now trying to parent better. However this will be a culture shock to my kids as what I was letting them do before is something I'm not willing to do now.

I think this will be a steep learning curve for me! And I will be more mindful of how to relay this to my boys.

OP posts:

Branster · 04/11/2019 20:30

Little One was exhausted (might be coming down with a cold as well), you were a bit short tempered because you were probably also a bit tired.
Take him to bed, if he wakes up ask him if he’s hungry and offer him his favourite, which happens to be pasta. He might be too tired to eat anyway.

Branster · 04/11/2019 20:35

Good to hear he’s eaten. It’s a had one with unrestricted TV access. Maybe try a TV remote control rota with reduced allowed times, with a sticker chart etc - it might help. TV and screen games can make kids quite insufferable at times, you just have to tackle that one head on. Or just unplug the TV and say it’s broken?

tootiredtospeak · 04/11/2019 21:04

Not one Mum here will have got it right all the time. In the moment we all say things that probably arent the best idea if thought through in the cold light of day.
I struggle with screen time with no MH issues, its a product of our changing times. Can I have the phone, You Tube PS4 XBox even harder this time of year.
If they are fed kept clean and loved your doing a good job and the odd moment like this will help you reflect and consider how best to handle it next time.
My DS is a pain for pudding will finish every bloody meal just to get his pudding even if he is full. I worry about his weight when he is older as he will finish no matter what to get that pudding. It bothers me but he is eating the good food first with his veg so I leave it hoping he will learn to self regulate.

user1480880826 · 04/11/2019 21:05

He’s over tired. School and swimming and waking up early is too much for a 6 year old. I think you need to cut him some slack. I wouldn’t have the energy for all of that and I’m 30 years older than him.

NumberblockNo1 · 04/11/2019 21:12

Tootired - he wont self regulate if you onky allow pudding if he fijishes his meal. Thats why he's over eating! He's learnt he has to in order to get a pudding

I never make a pudding dependant on how much they eat, but encourage them to choose portions close to their appetite that day.

CherryPavlova · 04/11/2019 21:16

Can I suggest you simply have the television off during mealtimes. Give warnings that it’s five minutes until the meal is ready and wait for a natural break in the programme to switch off.
He sounds like he was just very tired. I’d not get overly punitive about this. Waking with a cuddle and some toast sounds ideal.
I wouldn’t be cooking separate meals but I might let him see himself from the food options available.

NumberblockNo1 · 04/11/2019 21:25

And yes he soudns really tired. Getting in at 5.30 as a 6 year old having been swimming I bet all he wantes ti do was eat and watch tv, and was realky thrown when it all didnt seem fair.

Id apologise for getting cross (showing adulta get it wrong too sometimes) but work on A Plan for next week.

Does he have a snack before/after swimming. Could he have soemthing quick and simple when he comes in. What/when will his tv be if everyone else has tb.

And if possible Id definiteky avoid adult tv during meals (and then moving onto avoiding tv apart from movie nights) . Its conveying that you want him to eat and sit through something boring and not talk to you while he does so after what to him has been a really long and tiring day of being told what to do all day.

Maybe plan wednesdays around him and watch adult tv later on.

sevencontinents · 04/11/2019 21:42

I can see what you were trying to do: showing the natural consequence of not eating what is in front of him. You were not using food as a punishment. I have sent my children to bed without dinner before because, with both of them, they consistently refused what was in front of them and their diet was narrowing as a result. Quite simply, they were taking the piss. So I set the boundaries, had to follow through, nobody died, and they now have a healthier diet and mealtimes are stress free.
I do not think you are 'harsh' or 'abusive' in refusing to give into his demands for a separate meal as it sounds like this is a learnt behaviour and a habit that needs breaking. I think the problem here was that you chose to set bounderies on a night that he was hungry and over tired. I would suggest trying this at a Weekend. Don't doubt yourself: you know that se things need to change in your household, but just pick your battles and timings carefully.

BlouseAndSkirt · 04/11/2019 21:50

No TV during meals, for anyone, ever! Sit at the table and talk.

Anyway, alls well that ends well, OP, and it was ok in the end.

Hmm12121 · 04/11/2019 21:56

You changed the channel. Does that mean the tv was still on during dinner?
That’ll be one of your problems. Dinner is the one guaranteed time here where we sit together around the table, no screens, and chat.

Vulpine · 04/11/2019 22:01

No tv during meal times. Just turn it off

EdWinchester · 04/11/2019 22:01

I have to agree - any TV during meal times is a very bad habit. They'll grow up thinking that's how it is.

TORDEVAN · 04/11/2019 22:08

@strawberrieshortcake that made me laugh :)

i just offer what's there, they eat it or don't, i'm not getting into this whole if you don't eat it that's OK you can have something else later, even just toast and butter. Obviously there are rare exceptions e.g. illness.

ThaQuilomum · 04/11/2019 22:13

I feel incredibly sorry for your ds. The greatest gift you can give him is kindness. He'd literally done a full working day. School and his swimming lesson. Assuming he had worked hard mentally at school and physically at swimming, what part of the day was for him? His sibling had got to watch a TV show. Why wasn't he allowed half an hour downtime. Cos the adults wanted to watch TV? Surely you can watch TV when he's in bed?

I would have called him out on the shouting and hiding the remote but also empathised on how he was feeling. Then given dinner and chatted through his day and told him after dinner he could watch half an hour and have a break in the day and some time for himself. Do you all watch TV while eating dinner?

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