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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Disciplining 6 year old DS - no dinner or tv

79 replies

emeraldravine · 04/11/2019 18:28

We have 2 DS's - 6 and 3 years old.

DH and I are in disagreement over how to discipline DS1. DH is definitely a soft touch when it comes to our children but I am quick to temper so I don't know if I've been unreasonable here.

DH and DS came home at 5.30pm after an after school swimming lesson, I was making dinner and DS2 was watching tv. DS1 wanted to watch tv and I shouted through that dinner was nearly ready so he could watch tv later.

I put dinner down and DS1 hid the remote so I couldn't change it from kids tv and he then refused to eat his dinner. I found the remote, changed the channel and then DS1 started crying loudly.

Refused point blank to eat his dinner because he didn't want what was put down - this is another bone of contention as we often make separate dinners and I'm fed up with that. Tonight's dinner was pasta which he eats!

We all finished our dinner and DS1 didn't touch his so I told him he'd get nothing to eat until breakfast now. DH said he could watch tv in our room. I said no.

I spoke to DH alone and he said he'd back me up but didn't think it was fair as DS1 had been at school all day and then swimming and he let DS2 watch some tv before he was going to change the channel but then dinner was ready.

In the time it's taken to write this DS1 has fallen asleep on the sofa! He has never fallen asleep in the afternoon. He has been getting up earlier than usual lately then had a full day at school followed by a swimming lesson.

Gah. This parenting malarkey is difficult and I don't know whether I'm doing the right thing.

Can anyone give me pointers on this? I won't let him go to bed hungry now although if he'd stropped all night I may have because I'm pretty stubborn!

OP posts:

7salmonswimming · 04/11/2019 19:17

Food when you're hungry is a universal human right. We're fortunate in the West that we can mostly access it. Please remember this when jumping to a 'battle of wills'.

He's 6. He has long days of following instructions, no control over how he spends his time, doing as he's told. They get really tired by about 5pm at that age.

In future, I'd slacken the timings a little. The pasta could have been reheated. He could have eaten his after relaxing for 15 mins in front of the TV while you spend dinner time 1 on 1 with your 3yo. Send 3yo off to bath with DH, have dinner 1 on 1 with the 6yo then his bath time.

I don't think you should be doing separate meals for him, but as you say pasta is something he eats.

It's okay to doubt yourself sometimes. Meals shouldn't ever be withheld as a punishment though.

IAmMumWho · 04/11/2019 19:25

Hi OP

I have been in this same situation not so long ago. DS refused to eat his tea, I said you eat tea or go straight to bed. Bed was the answer he gave.

I'm more stricter than my husband, hes too laid back.

And with you my husband didnt back me up, hardly ever does.

I dont mess about.

savingshoes · 04/11/2019 19:31

He won't die from not eating a meal once. If he hadn't eaten for four days I would say he's at risk.
He'll learn more of a lesson if you follow through with your parenting of no food until tomorrow.
If you go back on your word now, he knows he just has to wait things out and then things go back to how he wants.

FabbyChix · 04/11/2019 19:34

Are you for real? Punishing a child by removing food is horrific and child abuse

ForalltheSaints · 04/11/2019 19:35

His tiredness is not a surprise on possibly the first day back after half term holiday, and given that the clocks went back.

I agree with the no tv as a punishment. Food should not be wasted.

raspberryk · 04/11/2019 19:36

In our house it's the dinner that's offered or nothing end of story.
We always did a light meal or a banana before swimming though to avoid situations like those.
The tv thing would be definitely no more tv today maybe not tomorrow either, dinner (or no dinner dc choice) and bed.

Bringonspring · 04/11/2019 19:39

I kind of get his disappointment he came in from a busy day of school and swimming. Thought great I’ll get to watch TV and then was told no. I find 6 with DS’s in particular difficult-they are definitely not in control of their emotions fully yet-quite instinctive.

I would definitely get your husband to give him food pre swimming and then give him beans on toast or something simple when he gets in. Tiredness and hungry is never a great combination!

tillytrotter1 · 04/11/2019 19:39

Are you for real? Punishing a child by removing food is horrific and child abuse

Those hair shirts must be itchy! He wasn't refused food, he refused to eat it, there's a difference. What do you expect, tying him down, holding his nose and force-feeding him? Hopefully the outcome will be that his learns to eat the meal offered, my Dad would always say This is a home not a cafe.

shiningstar2 · 04/11/2019 19:40

Why switch the tv to another channel when it's time to eat op instead of just switching it off? Doesn't that send the message that it's ok for the adults to watch tv at meal times but not him. Maybe missing the point of this thread so apologies if so but thinking a very tired 6 year old might feel frustrated when the programme he was watching was switched off but another programme put on?At that age they can't express feelings and emotions all that well after a long day.Know they can't have their own way all of the time but I would be inclined to leave it be now. I wouldn't offer tv after the tantruming but would offer pasta again or toast and a drink. Get him to bed then pour yourself a large drink and begin again tomorrow. This parenting malarkey is very frustrating and stressful sometimes.

Sparklybanana · 04/11/2019 19:40

Clearly a tired boy. He’s not thinking straight and emotions are winning. You’re adding to this by giving him screen time - this always makes any moods worse. He’s not wanting dinner because he’s grumpy and tired and you getting angry isn’t going to change that. That said, if he doesn’t want it, he doesn’t want it. In our house, bed time follows dinner time (which isn’t great but schedules don’t allow earlier), which allows the ‘if you don’t want dinner then let’s get you to bed’. Usually works. If it doesn’t, then getting them to believe the bluff by getting changed into pjs usually does. If still insistent then bed as they clearly need it more than a dinner. Try not to let anger get in the way. My kids can be awful but they generally just need comfort like a cuddle or some one to one. TV feeds the monster. Yabu in the way you reacted to a clearly tired child. It’s not easy to keep your cool but recognising that your attitude is a mirror is a major step.

HotSauceCommittee · 04/11/2019 19:40

I'm not big on punishment. I'd rather reward positive behaviour and have a chat with the kid about what a little fucker he's been. Then a nice warm hug and n agreement That he won't do that again. He just needs showing the right way and some love.
I am quick to temper myself, so the sharp end of my tongue is usually enough.

thedevilwithbarty · 04/11/2019 19:42

I don't think food should ever, ever be used as a disciplinary tool.

He's overtired and it's being reflected in his behaviour. I would look at his schedule and see if there is any way you can tone things down for a while. Children go through growth spurts, hormone spikes, changes in school, all sorts of things that can lead to dips in energy and periods of overtiredness.

I wouldn't let him go to bed hungry, but there would be a conversation about the behaviour and more appropriate ways of expressing frustration. Parenting doesn't always have to mean punishing and showing who's boss.

Babyg1995 · 04/11/2019 19:44

Make him toast or something are you for real you can't withhold your child food as discipline .

StillWeRise · 04/11/2019 19:44

never withhold food as a punishment
I'd try and wake him up and then offer the dinner he refused but in a very neutral way
Hi, DS, gosh you were so tired you fell asleep on the sofa, fancy that! come and eat your dinner now, I've warmed it up for you.
But no TV tonight (it will be bedtime soon anyway)
If he refuses the dinner do not react, but offer mily and plain bread before bed time
As PPs have said he was probably very tired and actually hungry which led to this. A banana or similar straight after swimming might help in future.
But make sure you and DH are singing from the same hymn sheet, or DS will just learn to play you off against each other.

StillWeRise · 04/11/2019 19:45

milk,not mily - what ever that is

mrsmuddlepies · 04/11/2019 19:47

How many schools have a punishment policy? Hardly any I would think. It is all about restorative approaches. Teachers are told not to back children into a corner. Pick your battles and show some empathy.
Some of the responses on here are very harsh. A tired six year old is upset. Be understanding.
Don't withhold food as a punishment, schools would not be allowed to do that.
Another thread earlier today was from a poster who had gone ballistic at her toddler. All the responses were about forgiving herself and not blaming herself because mothers get tired.
How is it so easy for women to forgive other women, but be so harsh to little children? Showing empathy and kindness is always right.

Armadillostoes · 04/11/2019 19:50

I agree that letting him watch TV is absurd, but ask if he wants his dinner or some toast when he wakes. As an adult I'm not at my best when tired and hungry, for a young child it's even harder.

ShinyGiratina · 04/11/2019 19:51

Not having dinner in this case is a natural consequence of refusing to eat it rather than an arbitary punishment and denying thr child the opportunity.

The behaviour was highly likely to be caused by tiredness. If he does wake up, offer him something, either the dinner or something basic so that he's not hangry in the morning. If he refuses again, that's his choice.

No TV.

Annasgirl · 04/11/2019 19:51

Well you tick all the boxes - withholding food as a punishment - have I stepped back into 1950?
Turning the TV to your programme during dinner after telling DC no TV?
Straight to nuclear when an overtired 6 year old is a little stroppy.
But don’t worry, you’ll get great support for harsh parenting on this site.

ffswhatnext · 04/11/2019 19:52

I've had fussy eaters. The only times they have had eaten different foods is when I've said it's free choice for dinner.

Everyone ate the same using foods that everyone liked with the odd exception. And the unliked stuff slowly reintroduced and no deal made out of anything eaten or not.

I tried the battle of wills way, after 10 days I broke down and asked myself what was I doing. There had to be an easier way.

As a child, I had food used as punishments and rewards. I still have food issues. If he wakes up later offer him it again.

Tv - switch it off when you are all eating. If it was on, it was on one of the music channels in the background.

And no wonder he's tired. I'm often tired when having a swim and hungry. I can explain that I am hangry, he cannot.

And of course, you have to back each other up. If not welcome to the fun world of the him playing you off against each other.

slipperywhensparticus · 04/11/2019 19:53

Shove him into bed ffs he is tired

LynetteScavo · 04/11/2019 19:57

I'd just carry him to bed.

If he did wake up I'd offer a hit chocolate and a snack. Brush his teeth,; don't bother with a bath and a snuggle with a story The poor kid's worn out.

mrsmuddlepies · 04/11/2019 19:58

I agree Anna. I am always shocked by the harshness of some parents. Most Mumsnetters are endlessly understanding to mothers who lose their tempers and shout and scream at their children. Yet some posters are unnecessarily harsh about punishing little children. It would not be acceptable in a school.

HeyNotInMyName · 04/11/2019 20:00

I would let him sleep this time. His behaviour might well have been the result of tiredness more than anything else.

Next time, if he refuses to eat, I would propose a fruit (like an apple) and send him to do his normal activity after the meal. If he was saying he is hungry, I would propose the same meal again. Very neutral no shouting just matter if fact.
After the whole, I’m hidding the remote, moaning, crying etc... I would have sent him to play. No TV and given him the same meal when he asked for it (because he wouod have asked)

Ketomeato · 04/11/2019 20:01

I think that’s harsh. Sometimes I don’t fancy what I’m given, especially if I’m knackered and “hangry”. I’d offer cereal/porridge and a warm drink and make friends again.

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