To feel rather like slapping my friend right now

[bagpuss90]

I am partially deaf in one ear-I only have around 40% hearing. It’s not a type of deafness that can be helped with a hearing aid. So I basically just get on with it. I struggle to hear people in noisy environments. But generally i manage okay. I was out with my friend yesterday and she’d obviously asked me something and I hadn’t heard a word. She then bellows HELLOOO -earth to (my name) come in please ffs. She knows about my deafness - I didn’t say anything -I let it go.Obviously I’m not going to slap her -bu it actually really pissed me off. There were other people there I’m not stupid-I’m not ignorant -I have partial hearing . Im really tempted to send her a text telling her what I think of her . Any thoughts ?

I also have partial hearing loss and YADNBU. It is SO annoying when people patronise me for not hearing. You wouldn't patronise someone on crutches for not being able to keep up or someone with vision loss for not being able to see.

I get it all the time at work and it's really infuriating and disrespectful.

I have suffered hearing loss this past year and I think if people have no experience of it then they have no idea how difficult / frustrating / isolating it can be.

I also think you're over reacting, I have a friend who is partially deaf, she does have hearing aids, but refuses to wear them, and making conversation with her is incredibly difficult and frustrating for everyone including her

OP's deafness , however, doesn't respond to hearing aids

Maybe she did it without thinking. I have a friend who is blind in one eye, she has been since birth and it doesn’t stop her from doing anything.

I once stupidly used the phrase ‘are you blind?!’ (we were in the car and I asked her to check if it was safe on her side to pull out, she said yes, it was not safe and I almost pulled out in front of a lorry!) she laughed it off and said ‘yeah, you know I am’. I felt bloody awful. I honestly didn’t mean any offence, it just slipped out under the pressure of the situation. I don’t use that expression anymore to anyone.

awaits sentencing from the MN police

Of course you’re not over-reacting! What a rude sod. It may be frustrating for her, but how does she think you feel? I think it’s the whole ‘earth to XXXX’ That I would find particularly condescending and rude.

JenniR29 a one off slip is different to what the op is describing. You felt bad. There’s no indication that this friend does, and she’s done it before.

It was rude of her. I would've felt like walking away, literally.

About hearing aids -could you get a second opinion? I was told as a child that my hearing couldn't be helped by a hearing aid but here I am fifty years later with - a hearing aid which is very helpful. Obviously noisy places are still difficult as it doesn't filter out what you don't want to hear but they're still a great boon.

@PurpleDaisies Ah sorry, didn’t read the OPs comments after. If she has form then I think she needs a sit down talk, explaining that’s she’s being insensitive. Some people genuinely don’t realise they are being offensive until it’s pointed out to them. I’d do it face to face though not via text.

People are such massive arses about deafness. I have a mild hearing impairment and honestly, the number of people who make that stupid "what" joke when I try to explain I can't hear them and ask them to look at me. Thanos could take those people, tbqf. I hate them with my whole being.

I don't think there's anything to be done about it tbh. I've tried explaining and it gets me nowhere. People, even generally decent people, are just relentless arseholes about hearing problems (because it's annoying and inconvenient and mostly invisible to them). I've never found a good way to deal with it! (I mostly don't tell people these days and just smile and nod. Smile and nod! God knows what they're saying, just smile and nod! Ordering food is just always going to be a bit of a crap shoot )

YANBU - I had a friend start signing to me the other day because I couldnt hear them. I dont use BSL and she knows that! People can be really rude.

I'm hearing impaired and am really fucking annoyed at the comments saying it's frustrating sometimes trying to communicate with a person with a hearing loss. Tough fucking shit! Try living with it.

It seems to me that deafness is a disability which it's deemed socially acceptable to make comments like that. If someone had cerebral palsy you wouldn't say that it's frustrating when they can't walk at the same pace as you, or you can't understand what they're saying because their speech is impaired - it's so "cringe." Bluntness100, I can't believe you used that word in the context of communicating with people with hearing issues.

If someone was blind, you wouldn't say how frustrating it is that you had to guide them around, or they couldn't see the thing you're talking about so you can't have a full conversation with them. But it's ok to say it about deaf people. Fucking hell.

OP, as PP said the moment has passed. But if it happens again, then speak up. I've said before, " You know I can't hear properly," when people have seemed impatient.

If someone had cerebral palsy you wouldn't say that it's frustrating when they can't walk at the same pace as you

Oh, you’d be surprised.

Especially if the CP is mild.

Could she have just forgot? I know quite a few people deaf in one ear it is easy to forget even if you do know about it. Like you tell a story sat on the wrong side of them and they miss it, they usually just say “you are on my bad side” or “you’ll have to say it again”.. she probably forgot you were deaf, it is easily done! My old housemate was deaf in one ear, I still forgot a lot.

Boysey so in your expert opinion, having never met the OP, you think she's not managing OK. What exactly do you suggest the OP do, given a hearing aid is not an option?

Well, they are arseholes as well Butchy!

I’m partially deaf and wear hearing aids, had an op in may to remove some fluid from my drum so was painful and didn’t wear aids Cos of this.
My friend proceeded to try and be funny and scream in my ear then said are you deaf or what! Not only did it hurt I was seconds away from punching her. You are not being unreasonable. Your friend needs to grow up and have more empathy
Although I do think people forget.
I would respond with “you know I’m partially deaf so why would you ask such a question?” Call her out on it.
I hate it when I explain to people I’m deaf and they respond with “what?” Fuck off you complete imbeciles. It’s not funny

To all those who think having to repeat themselves is frustrating, how frustrating do you think it is for those of us with hearing loss? The answer? Very.

When I first started to loose my hearing, I also tried not to ask people to repeat themselves, because I was embarrassed and, as has been said, most of what was being said was not that important.

Then I realised, that this non important stuff i wasn't picking up on, was about the oil that greased the whee!s of social conduct. A throw away comment might be unimportant, or might give great insight into how the speaker is feeling.

Without hearing that comment, id neverknow.

I'm lucky in that my friends and family have at least tried to understand my disability. They know that to get my attention on them in a noisy environment, touching my arm or using my name helps. Once I'm looking at them I have a fair chance of being able to lip read what they are saying.

Hearing loss can lead to social isolation.

The only thing the op is being unreasonable about is not calling out her "friend" at the time. At that is very understandable

YANBU or overreacting at all, I cant quite grasp what the actual fuck is going through some peoples minds when they say you are overreacting or that having a conversation with a deaf/hard of hearing person is a bit 'cringe' when they have to repeat themselves. Try living with the disability of being deaf or hard of hearing, try living with the almost constant and daily 'jokes'...."What hahahaha".....not fucking funny. Try living with being isolated and left out of normal day too day stuff and try living with being discriminated against in the workplace etc, because regardless of it being a disability and being a protected characteristic, discrimination happens all the fucking time because deafness seems to be a disability that is socially acceptable to laugh at and discriminate against.

FFS I'm fucking aghast at some people on MN and in real life who fucking laugh and find deafness a fucking inconvenience to them!!

OP, you’ve has a lot of useful solutions suggested on this thread:

1. Learn a new language (BSL), and force everybody that you interact with to learn it to fluency as well. Super-easy, that one.

1. Lipread everybody, all the time, even people you aren’t looking at. Because lip reading is a superpower, and not just looking at somebody’s mouth when they are speaking to help decipher what they are saying (I lipread a lot, it doesn’t help me when the person speaking is not in view).

1. Get hearing aids, because you’re probably just lying about them not working for your type of deafness.

1. Stay at home because deaf people are “so cringe”.

Hiding this gross disablist thread now.

You wouldn't patronise someone on crutches for not being able to keep up or someone with vision loss for not being able to see.

My eyesight is poor. Not so poor that I can register as disabled but bad enough that I cannot leave the house, or in fact navigate the house, without glasses. A surprising number of people think it's acceptable and funny to do a comic "scrambling around purblind looking for glasses" thing. They also think it's fine to ask to borrow my glasses and then say "argh, your eyesight must be dreadful, I can't see anything with these on". Yes, thanks for that, I needed to hear that. With a script of -7 and astigmatism in both eyes I feel just peachy with you taking the piss out of my eyesight. I refuse to let anyone try my glasses on now.

People can be surprisingly and disappointingly lacking in empathy about many conditions.

Op - you're quite right to feel really pissed off .

I have not read all of the comments on this thread as quite frankly, some of them saddened me greatly.

Thank you for those who have shown empathy and understanding.

OP, you're not being unreasonable at all. Your friend was incredibly rude and that was a cruel comment.

As an aside, I know you have said that your type of hearing loss wouldn't be helped by a hearing aid, but have you ever trialled the crossover type? My husband has total/profound hearing loss on one side and normal hearing on the other. He tried a crossover system and it helped massively with not missing conversation, but he didn't decide to purchase it because it was so expensive. It's basically a microphone for the deaf side that transmits to a hearing aid in the good ear (with or without amplification, depending upon whether or not you have any hearing loss on your good side.) He didn't find it helped at all with locating the direction a sound is coming from, but definitely aided conversation in noisy social situations.

I'm deaf in one ear. If someone called me out like your friend did, I would be furious and tell her.

Next time ask her when there is an audience, if she calls out people in wheelchairs for not getting up and about.

Not nice of her, I have a friend lost hearing in one ear, if I need her attention in a noisy room, I gently tap her arm for attention so that her good ear is within range. Actually in a noisy environment I have always had trouble hearing so give up and nod or gesture, sorry cannot hear you.