Colleague’s absence causing strain

[daisydazey]

Ok I fully expect to be told Aibu. Maybe I am incredibly cold and heartless.

I have a colleague (calling her A from now on) with whom I am working on a very big project at work. For the most part A is great, very good at her job and we get on well, text outside work and I would say we have become friends.

Her grandfather is in his 80s and has been sick for some time with a terminal illness. It has gone downhill quite quickly over the last month and A has talked a lot about knowing the end is near for him so I do think she has some peace about it. She is from a nearby European country so visiting family involves a short flight.

Our project deadline is mid November and she had booked to go and see him straight after we handed in. Her parents contacted her last week however and said the Dr had told her to come back earlier and say goodbye to her grandad as he was close to the end. Myself and our line manager and the others working on her project said that was fine, she went home last Wednesday. She was supposed to be working from home but to be honest this didn’t really happen, she seemed quite distracted and so we have just carried her workload. I thought she was flying back this weekend as it was a sort of saying goodbye visit, but she is actually still there and having spoken to her jsut now she said that the Dr has said her grandad probably has 1-2 days left, which was the prognosis about this time last week before she flew out. And she said she would jsut have to let us know what she is going to do, as she has decided she wants to be there at the end. Then she will fly back here, and then fly back out for funeral which in her culture is usually 4 days after death. Obviously this will require a day or 2 of compassionate leave.

I know these things are so shit and so hard to predict. But I am feeling really stressed as I am continuing to pick up the work and our deadline is looming now. I have no idea when to expect her back as normal. I understand, I really do that perhaps she wants to be there with her grandad at the end. But as much as I’m trying to be sensitive to that, she is in her 30s like me and has a professional job. It could be a week or more of her being absent before he passes, and then at least 2 working days for the funeral rites etc. I can understand being really affected by a close family members death, but it has not happened yet and by all accounts he has been ill for a long time. Compassionate leave after bereavement is one thing but A seems to not be able to see beyond jsut wanting to be at his bedside until an unknown time. My own grandmother had a similar illness and the prognosis changed constantly over the last few weeks. I guess maybe I was jsut lucky that my granny was only a short train ride away.

I do not want to upset A at this time. I like her a lot and I remember how shit this can feel. But I am really struggling with our joint work and I dont know if I am being a heartless bitch or what. I guess in my heartless bitch way I am thinking, why can’t she say goodbye to her much loved grandad and come back and carry on with life ? We can handle her being away for a funeral and all the stuff around that but we can’t handle a prolonged absence on top of it.

Take a deep breath. A will not be any help to you, so stop even thnjing in her direction.

What you must be is proactive.

Talk to your line manager. Tell them you accept that A will not be back in time to help with the project and that, whilst you will do everything you can it is obvious that the deadline cannot be met as things stand now. Ask him for help, suggestions, etc.

DO NOT just sit worrying andf lettign it all get on top of you. Your manager knows As situation, they are paid to handle the difficulties. You will look better if you speak up now, the first day she has not come back as expected, than if you leave it until it is too late to do anything about the deadline!

Basically, this is not your problem to solve. But it is your problem to highlight!

Curious has nailed it.

Even if she were physically present, she wouldn’t be at peak performance, and would likely be unproductive.

Try to walk a mile in her shoes, what would you want to happen if this were you?

Basically, this is not your problem to solve. But it is your problem to highlight!

This! and it is not your colleagues problem or fault either, it doesn't matter that you don't think bereavement is an appropriate reason to not make it to work to help you, if she was sick you'd be in the same position, focus on what can be achieved, and don't scapegoat your colleague.

Yes I do get that, I guess it’s just - her grandad is in his 80s, has had a terminal illness for some time and is close to the end whether it be by a few days or a week or a couple of weeks, it’s not currently clear. It’s not unexpected. Other colleagues of mine have had parents be ill and pass away from cancer and have not reacted this way and expected to have an indefinite absence approved beforehand. I guess I don’t understand it or I think I must just have no empathy or something. Which is awful.
I will do as suggested and speak to your manager but because A and I are experts on this project I don’t really see how it wil be solved.

Wow that really is harsh of you, her grandads dying, of course she should be there. You shouldn't be expecting otherwise.
You need to talk to your boss and ask his an extension or for help from someone else.

Well, mid November is not far away now so I would involve Manager only if someone could else could be brought in to help with the project. Otherwise just crack on with the work and do your absolute best to meet the deadline. If there is no leeway built into the deadline whatsoever for unforeseen circumstances then that is poor planning. Maybe others will be offered paid overtime?

When my DF became very ill a few weeks before he died I would have just quit my job if I'd needed to. Nothing was more important to me than being with him. I would do over and above for anyone else in that position too.

*for

She is entitled to make arrangements with her manager that she doesn’t run by you. You are entitled to tell your manager that you can’t continue to carry her workload and they will have to make alternative arrangements. That’s it, unfortunately. Her exact feelings about her relative’s death aren’t really your business.

Your boss needs to assign someone else to this particular project. Go and speak to them

Well, mid November is not far away now so I would involve Manager only if someone could else could be brought in to help with the project. Otherwise just crack on with the work and do your absolute best to meet the deadline.

Don't do this, your first job is to communicate the new risk to the project, keeping it secret and just cracking on is absolutely the worst that can be done. The earlier a project is known to be at risk, the earlier everyone can put mitigations in place - if those are more people, new dates, smaller scope or whatever is appropriate depends on the project of course, but absolutely the very first thing you do now is inform everyone who needs to know that there are new risks - either every stakeholder, or just the project manager etc. depending on how it's organised.

This was always one of our interview questions, and a depressing number of people always answered with "I'd work more / harder" rather than "I'd ask for help / change the deliverables / change the date etc."

It doesn't matter what you think of the situation. What you think won't change it. So stop bothering yoursewlf with it.

And you not seeing how it will be solved is neither here nor there. That problem gets kicked upstairs, by you, TODAY!

The more you post the more stressed and less empathetic you sound. Don't let the situatin get to you. Just show due diligence and inform your line manager, let them deal with it!

I would involve Manager only if someone could else could be brought in to help with the project.* That will reflect VERY badly on you. Your manager could report that as brinksmanship - you wrecking the project, and so covering their own back! So don't do it.

The reality is you cannot complete the project by the deadline alone. You will be seen as more professional by recognising this than trying to cover it up. Honest!

Some people have a parent die and are back at work the next day. Some have a parent die and are so broken by it they are depressed and need a lot of time off.

Yes, I think you are lacking in empathy if you can't see why someone would want to be with a dying relative and struggle to understand that grief affects people differently. How long they were ill for is irrelevant - she can still want to be there for him in his last days, whether it's a short or s long illness, she probably still wants to be there for him, and also the other relatives that are with him.

Your manager authorised this, talk to them about how they are going to assist you in managing this situation as they cant expect your workload to double and you be able to cope. Either some additional help, pushing the deadline back, or whatever else you need (more working from home, better tech, etc)

YANBU, OP, sadly I think some people (not all) do milk these situations. We’ve a colleague who was off for 4 months + after her mum died.

I took a week off when my brother died and felt so guilty, even though he died young. I wish I had taken 2 weeks off and supported my mum.

Your manager needs to work out a solution for getting help in to finish your project. That is your priority. Hasn't she got enough upset to deal with without her colleagues questioning the way she is dealing with this difficult situation.

Wow
As someone who has just lost her mum, who was also in her 80’s & desperately I’ll for some time, I can assure you that she was my priority closely followed by other family throughout that time. Work was way down the list. I’m glad my colleagues were caring & empathetic during what has been the worst time of my life.
O what like to say as kindly as possible that unless you are totally devoid of family & friends it is likely that you will need compassionate leave yourself one day, & like the pp said perhaps you would do well to consider how you would hope to be treated in such circumstances & behave accordingly

Nowhere I've worked would expect your colleague to be in in the circumstances. Sometimes work just comes second.

@daisydazey talk to your manager who can sort this problem, your colleague is struggling and needs time so take it to someone who can help.

Oh and @Chloe84 you think someone milked loosing their mum for 4 months off? Just because you only took two weeks off? Good for you well done, no one gets to tell anyone how to grieve.
My mum had a total mental breakdown when my Nana died after looking after her 24/7 and watching her fade away. She was never able to go back to work after a year of being unable to leave the house. Suppose that was milked too?

Yes. You lack empathy. Yes, that's awful.

It's not your business how A chooses to grieve or spend her time with a dying relative. If it's been sorted with the manager and leave has been authorised then it's simply not your business.

If you're worried about how to finish the project then speak to your manger about having to change the deadline as you're working all out and are on your own. They will recognise this and should try to help.

Wow, @Chloe84, aren't you such a wonderful, brave and emotionally robust person for returning to work early after your brother died? Let's all give you a huge round of applause for not being a snowflake like your colleague who took 4 months off after her mum died. What an exemplary employee you are.

I bet your mum wished her daughter had supported her through her son's death a bit more.

Thanks everyone. Hard to hear but tbh I am probably a bit tunnel vision at the moment because this project is something we have both worked long and hard for. The stress and a kind of laissez faire manager who has not acknowledged the situation has been making me get worked up about this and I think you are right that I need to be honest about the situation with work. I do care about A and as I said in my op I do know this is shit situation for her to be in and I know that I don’t want to upset her. I guess she couldn’t predict how she would react. The way she has talked about it before, I guess I thought she was kind of ok, but maybe she isn’t.
Thanks for the tough talk it has helped.

The first poster in the thread nailed it.

OP one thing that will help you through life is realising that while work is important a person's health and well-being are even more important.

You get more out of people particularly if you manage them if you recognise that.

@Leolion09

I said SOME people milk these situations. And I said I WISH I had taken 2 weeks off.

@Chloe84

I think it's unfair to compare your own grief to others. Just because you went back to work so quickly doesn't mean someone who took 4 months off was 'milking it' as you so kindly put it.

Realistically you have no idea how someone else is feeling, grief is different for every person. I took two weeks off when my dad died but I would never cast judgement over someone else taking longer. I took what I felt was needed for myself, I wanted to get back to work to keep my mind occupied and stop me from feeling depressed but not everyone copes in this way. I knew someone that took 6 months off because her sister passed away, she had a complete breakdown and couldn't cope. Even if someone looks alright you have no idea what is going on inside them.

I can't stand when people are judged for how long they take off or when people feel the need to talk about the age or how long the relative has been ill for, as if that should relieve their grief.

You are quite harsh OP. Just because other colleagues haven't needed the time off, doesn't mean it's the same for A. Perhaps she was incredibly close to her GF. Maybe he helped raise her. The dynamics of one family are never the same as another. When my DF was dying a couple of years ago I ended up taking several weeks off as I helped my mum care for him. Although my work was quite flexible, I went to the GP to get signed off with stress, as I just couldn't cope with work at what was such a difficult time for me. Try to have some empathy, even if you are fortunate not to have been in this position yourself.