Colleague’s absence causing strain

[daisydazey]

Ok I fully expect to be told Aibu. Maybe I am incredibly cold and heartless.

I have a colleague (calling her A from now on) with whom I am working on a very big project at work. For the most part A is great, very good at her job and we get on well, text outside work and I would say we have become friends.

Her grandfather is in his 80s and has been sick for some time with a terminal illness. It has gone downhill quite quickly over the last month and A has talked a lot about knowing the end is near for him so I do think she has some peace about it. She is from a nearby European country so visiting family involves a short flight.

Our project deadline is mid November and she had booked to go and see him straight after we handed in. Her parents contacted her last week however and said the Dr had told her to come back earlier and say goodbye to her grandad as he was close to the end. Myself and our line manager and the others working on her project said that was fine, she went home last Wednesday. She was supposed to be working from home but to be honest this didn’t really happen, she seemed quite distracted and so we have just carried her workload. I thought she was flying back this weekend as it was a sort of saying goodbye visit, but she is actually still there and having spoken to her jsut now she said that the Dr has said her grandad probably has 1-2 days left, which was the prognosis about this time last week before she flew out. And she said she would jsut have to let us know what she is going to do, as she has decided she wants to be there at the end. Then she will fly back here, and then fly back out for funeral which in her culture is usually 4 days after death. Obviously this will require a day or 2 of compassionate leave.

I know these things are so shit and so hard to predict. But I am feeling really stressed as I am continuing to pick up the work and our deadline is looming now. I have no idea when to expect her back as normal. I understand, I really do that perhaps she wants to be there with her grandad at the end. But as much as I’m trying to be sensitive to that, she is in her 30s like me and has a professional job. It could be a week or more of her being absent before he passes, and then at least 2 working days for the funeral rites etc. I can understand being really affected by a close family members death, but it has not happened yet and by all accounts he has been ill for a long time. Compassionate leave after bereavement is one thing but A seems to not be able to see beyond jsut wanting to be at his bedside until an unknown time. My own grandmother had a similar illness and the prognosis changed constantly over the last few weeks. I guess maybe I was jsut lucky that my granny was only a short train ride away.

I do not want to upset A at this time. I like her a lot and I remember how shit this can feel. But I am really struggling with our joint work and I dont know if I am being a heartless bitch or what. I guess in my heartless bitch way I am thinking, why can’t she say goodbye to her much loved grandad and come back and carry on with life ? We can handle her being away for a funeral and all the stuff around that but we can’t handle a prolonged absence on top of it.

You need to discuss this with your manager OP and push it upwards.

This isn’t your colleagues fault. Family comes first. A job is just that...a job. If you died tomorrow, your job would be advertised before the funeral took place. If you resigned tomorrow, you would be forgotten within weeks.

Employees die, have accidents, get cancer, go on maternity leave, resign, have family members die. Until we are replaced by automation, employers need to plan for these things.

What you are saying is that your stress about the project is more important than her grief about her grandfather dying.

You are being a foul person.

Give your head a wobble and get some perspective.

Almost exactly this happened to me a few years ago. I had a call to say my DSis had days to live overseas, jumped on a plane and she lingered for 10 days, rallied and eventually died 6 weeks later. For those 10 days I sat by her bedside 24/7 and listened to her death rattle and when I got back to work my absence at a critical point in a project was thrown in my face by a colleague notwithstanding that others pitched in to help her in my absence. Eventually she was silly enough to say this in front of someone who reported it to senior management and the shit hit the fan. She was severely disciplined and ended up leaving the company not long afterwards and I got a fulsome apology from the senior team for what she had said. That lack of empathy was severely career limiting for the colleague who voiced her frustration so be careful what you are saying and who you say it in front of

OP I would use this situation to put your worries in perspective. Yes, work may be stressful but it's not a life or death situation for you, whereas it is for your colleague. When my paternal grandfather was ill I went to spend time with him. My aunt told my dad that he might be ill for quite a while, so not to rush to see him (my dad lives in another country). So my dad booked tickets for two weeks hence, missed ever seeing his father again and instead used that travel to attend his father's funeral. In the end, I was the only one from my side of the family who made it to see granddad, and I know the others all regret it.

Any number of things could have pulled your colleague away from this project. So sort the project out, and don't blame your colleague for what is in essence a management problem. I can barely remember what job I was doing when granddad died, I do remember going to see him.

Going against the grain here, I find a month off for a grandparents death excessive but her time off is between herself HR to sort out. You are responsible for the project and have to take care of it with your manager.

I feel for you OP as all of As workload is falling on you, and it sounds like you haven't got enough bandwidth to cover it.

I would talk to your manager - just say you're concerned about implementation by yourself and you don't know when colleague will be back , and can you work together to agree approach.

Definitely put your hand up and say that help is needed. If two of you were required to deliver this, well you cannot do it alone. Don't get into any discussion in relation to the colleague. That's not your issue to solve. Stick to the fact that some action needs to be taken to reach the deadline, whether that is drafting in others or whatever it takes.

Don’t even consider why your colleague is off. It’s none of your business, none of the details are. You should direct your lack of support to your manager. This is of no fault of your colleague but of your employer who isn’t providing the support you require

Same here @cockcrowfarm, it's great that the employer offers this (although they should be able to support staff adequately that are in work), but I've never worked anywhere that would entertain it. Even for immediate family you would get a few days maximum, topped up with a few days unpaid. Not saying that is right and should be the standard as obviously it's exceptionally low, but I am surprised that people think that this is the norm.

Has anyone said it is the norm? Or just that it happens sometimes and that OP has to stop focussing on it.

Nothing in cockcrows post went againsty the grain, like the rest of us she thought OP needed to involve management in the project and everything else to someone else, HR etc.

Wow. Sorry her grandad didn't die in accordance with your timetable. Get a grip.

Wow @clutchingon do you want to rtft eyeroll I posted back yesterday saying I took on board what everyone said and would speak to my manager, we have a meeting today.
One thing I would say- most people are posting about their immediate family eg siblings/parents which I don’t think is exactly the same situation. Sorry if that’s so terrible. but as already mentioned, I am happy to take all the comments on board.

One thing I would say- most people are posting about their immediate family eg siblings/parents which I don’t think is exactly the same situation.

I don’t think you can make hard and fast rules about how grief is proportionate to the degree of separation between relatives. In some cultures grandparents live in the family home, and are very close indeed, often raising the kids when parents go to work. I think you need to stop thinking about how your colleague should be responding to her loss, and focus on the fact that your employer needs to meet their responsibilities here.

Ah, you see I don’t think that the OP is being unreasonable. She hasn’t said that she is going to say anything to the colleague, just that she is finding having her off at this particular time really stressful. It also sounds as though her “hands off” manager hasn’t been quick to notice that she’s having to cope alone.

Yes please, do let us know what your manager says. However, if you’d rather not come back to this thread then that would be fair enough.

@GCAcademic a lot of employers DO make those rules based on degrees of separation. Including mine actually- our LM has been accommodating of my colleague but it isn’t policy to allow indefinite compassionate leave for grandparents and colleagues decision to stay at home until her gp passes is at our LM discretion, which I feel has been somewhat influenced on my LM part by the fact he thinks I can finish the project on my own for an unspecified amount of time. Clearly that is the issue here and as I’ve already said I am going to tackle that. I do think some posters have been a little harsh. I’m not some kind of monster. I said in my Op I don’t want to upset A and never had any intention of speaking to her about any of this.Yes people deal with grief differently, I guess my point is that colleague knew her gp was close to passing and had originally booked to go and “say goodbye” and had talked about this a lot previously. So her change of heart about how to handle the situation did surprise me. But as mentioned I am definitely trying to see it from her perspective more. I like to think I am usually empathetic.
Thanks for the comments.

I wonder if she got there and faced immense pressure from family to stay.

I feel for you OP, but you're being massively unreasonable. I live abroad from my family and I wasn't there when my dad died because it was unexpected. If I had had the chance to go, even if it took waiting two weeks just to be there, I sure as hell would have. Some things are just more important than work.

Be compassionate to your colleague, I'm sorry for your work stress. I understand it's awful having to carry someone else's load as well as your own, but this is a beloved relative that's dying and it's not easy for her to get to him.

Sorry, the whole thread weirdly wasn't showing up for me! Glad you've taken comments on board OP, I hope your manager steps up and gets you the help you need to complete your project!

I don't think the OP lacks empathy. It's easy for the LM to be super compassionate since the absence of the colleague doesn't actually affect them - it's the OP who gets lumbered with all the additional work! Which LM has done nothing to assist with thus far.
I totally get that the colleague wants to be at home but it's rare for a company to okay an indefinite leave of absence for a grandparent death. Some companies barely want to give leave for funerals. I don't think OP is unreasonable to feel under pressure and to express that here. It's not like she contacted her colleague!

Work will always be there, her grandfather evidently won't be. There's that saying about when you're on your death bed, you'll regret moments, time missed with your loved ones, but noone says "I wish I spent more time at the office".

I'd echo the comments regarding speaking with your superiors if the pressure is getting worse, but don't begrudge her some final moments with her beloved grandfather. Be sympathetic or you risk damaging your working relationship as well as friendship.

jeeze, I'm finding your lack of understanding or compassion quite stupifying. :(

I agree that the situation is not your fault (or your colleagues), and that you simply have to make the best of things as they stand by highlighting the situation to your boss and coming up with a strategy to manage the workload and meet the target without any productive work from your colleague.

The fact that you think a JOB is far more important than a family members DEATH ( whether expected or not) is unbelievable !

You will have any number of bloody JOBS in your working lifetime, but you only have one family ! And quite frankly you won't even remember this specific 'project' in a few years ! But you'll NEVER forget spending time with a dying relative.

You will never hear anyone wish on their deathbed that they'd been more committed to their work ! But you will hear old people wish they had had more time with their family !

And however your colleague grieves will be for her and her manager to discuss, nothing to do with you. YOUR only concern should be 'how can I make this work with the staff present?'

@nowayhose rtft before having a go..
And also, a pp upthread said theIr relative initially had a prognosis of a few days and this progressed to about 5 weeks in the end. Do you propose that employers give unlimited compassionate leave on this basis ? Maybe for a sick child but in my organisation you’d be expected to take unpaid leave in that case. Yes everyone would like to spend more time with family than at work but that’s hardly the reality is it. I’m just saying that the way our LM handled this, and colleague saying she is working from home/remotely when that hasn’t been the case (so it’s not unpaid leave) puts strain on the team and it’s not been managed well. Fine if our org wants to grant leave for these periods paid or otherwise but it’s not very sustainable, I fully accept that she is feeling awful right now. As it happens I was close to my gm and when she died I had 2 days of compassionate leave, as I said upthread she lives half an hour away so if she lived further away should I have got 2 weeks? ‘That was in a previous job, but still. I guess in my experience I was devastated by her death but it was definitely expected and it didn’t occur to me to take 2 weeks or whatever off work. It’s a shitty fact of life.

Whether her leave is compassionate, sick or unpaid makes no odds to you though OP - she'll still be off work.

Focus less on her and more on raising your concerns about the project to your manager.

OP I don't think you're empathising other points of view at all. As so many people have said - your colleague's individual circumstances are none of your concern.

Your employer has a business problem - there's not enough resource to complete this project by the deadline.

If your employer already found a solution through freelancers, contractors or transferring skills from within the business then I'm sure you wouldn't be fixated on how your colleague's personal tragedy is inconveniencing your professional activity.