Colleague’s absence causing strain

[daisydazey]

Ok I fully expect to be told Aibu. Maybe I am incredibly cold and heartless.

I have a colleague (calling her A from now on) with whom I am working on a very big project at work. For the most part A is great, very good at her job and we get on well, text outside work and I would say we have become friends.

Her grandfather is in his 80s and has been sick for some time with a terminal illness. It has gone downhill quite quickly over the last month and A has talked a lot about knowing the end is near for him so I do think she has some peace about it. She is from a nearby European country so visiting family involves a short flight.

Our project deadline is mid November and she had booked to go and see him straight after we handed in. Her parents contacted her last week however and said the Dr had told her to come back earlier and say goodbye to her grandad as he was close to the end. Myself and our line manager and the others working on her project said that was fine, she went home last Wednesday. She was supposed to be working from home but to be honest this didn’t really happen, she seemed quite distracted and so we have just carried her workload. I thought she was flying back this weekend as it was a sort of saying goodbye visit, but she is actually still there and having spoken to her jsut now she said that the Dr has said her grandad probably has 1-2 days left, which was the prognosis about this time last week before she flew out. And she said she would jsut have to let us know what she is going to do, as she has decided she wants to be there at the end. Then she will fly back here, and then fly back out for funeral which in her culture is usually 4 days after death. Obviously this will require a day or 2 of compassionate leave.

I know these things are so shit and so hard to predict. But I am feeling really stressed as I am continuing to pick up the work and our deadline is looming now. I have no idea when to expect her back as normal. I understand, I really do that perhaps she wants to be there with her grandad at the end. But as much as I’m trying to be sensitive to that, she is in her 30s like me and has a professional job. It could be a week or more of her being absent before he passes, and then at least 2 working days for the funeral rites etc. I can understand being really affected by a close family members death, but it has not happened yet and by all accounts he has been ill for a long time. Compassionate leave after bereavement is one thing but A seems to not be able to see beyond jsut wanting to be at his bedside until an unknown time. My own grandmother had a similar illness and the prognosis changed constantly over the last few weeks. I guess maybe I was jsut lucky that my granny was only a short train ride away.

I do not want to upset A at this time. I like her a lot and I remember how shit this can feel. But I am really struggling with our joint work and I dont know if I am being a heartless bitch or what. I guess in my heartless bitch way I am thinking, why can’t she say goodbye to her much loved grandad and come back and carry on with life ? We can handle her being away for a funeral and all the stuff around that but we can’t handle a prolonged absence on top of it.

@Chloe84 ok but it's not really something to compare with others is it? Each to their own, no one person deals with a situation the same

When you say you don’t want to upset A, what on earth are you planning to say to her?

Yes you lack empathy.

To add the the great points already made, you don't know what else is going on with her.

It may well be a combination of grief, supporting her parents or family through their own grief or struggles with the siutation, family pressure to be there alongside them.

A close friend of mine is is the last couple of months of her father's life. She might seem like she has come to terms with that but is obviously grieving and finding it hard. What is adding to that is various wider family members struggling with layers of grief and anger and guilt; using drugs to help them cope; expecting her to do all the liaising with the medical team because she has some medical training, etc etc.

This is having a huge impact in her ability to function in other areas of her life, such as work.

Wow sorry yes you are being harsh on your colleague. However workwise you need to speak to your superior and find a solution as you can’t carry the slack yourself.

My df died last year and we kept getting told any day now, any day. He lasted 5 weeks from that first being said but every day looked like it could be the one. I couldn’t have left him and although we worked in shifts to start for his last week I was with him day and night until he passed with me holding his hand. Couldn’t have cared less about work in all honesty. Sorry but it’s true. I look back and thank god I was with him and not worried I was off work

I’m sorry but your lost is heartless. You have no idea what her relationship I’d like with her grandparent- to her it might be like loosing a parent. Yes she’s 30 and has a professional job but grief and illness affects people
Differently. Unless you are here line manager it has nothing to do with you why she is not at work. Go and see your line manager and come up with a plan of how or who is going to assist with the additional
Work so deadline can now be met.

Then leave your colleague alone let her do what she needs to do. Don’t be an arse.

I had to ID my dead brother, attend his funeral, deal with a mum who was taking an obscene amount of prescription pills and none of it was expected as his death was sudden. I came back to work after 2 weeks to stay proactive and never processed his death properly at all. To this day I am still grieving because I pushed it all down as far as I could.

Do not resent your colleague for their grieving process, it's completely natural to feel overwhelmed and frustrated professionally but this problem is not your to fix. Do the best you can, communicate the issue and how be clear about how much of an extension would be reasonable to allow you to complete the project alone without suffering a mental overload. Then breathe and have a glass of wine

Your post is utterly vile.

Being with a loved one at the end of their life is more important than your fucking project.

Urgh.

Your posts on here may point to the reason why you are not holding your manager's job title and rank, if that's something you even care to aspire to.

Ergh this post and some of the replies make me sick. She is grieving for her dying grandad. You're being massively horrible and selfish. It's work at the end of the day, she'll never get a chance to see her grandad again.
To the poster who said people milk these situations and judging people's time off.. Shame on you. People take as long as they need. Some people are incredibly close to their family, others aren't.

You have a manager problem not a colleague problem.

As I often say to colleagues, the only thing constant is change.

Businesses need to be resilient - what would you have done if something dreadful (touch wood) had happened to A? Would you bemoan her recovery time in hospital, and start to question whether she needed physio time at home etc?

You need to be in a position where you sit down with your line manager and "manage up" - look at options, come up with a shortlist of the best, present them to your manager, and take control in a situation where you firstly acknowledge that the change factor isn't in your control.

What does this have anything to do with you? You are not her employer or head of the HR department, if she has made arrangements with them then your opinion is completely irrelevant.

If you need more help for the project tell the manager, her time with her grandfather is infinitely more valuable then your project.

Basically, this is not your problem to solve. But it is your problem to highlight!

This exactly.

he stress and a kind of laissez faire manager who has not acknowledged the situation has been making me get worked up about this

If LM is not acknowledging and acting on your highlighting the practicalities of a work situation you need to go up a level.

You really need to speak to your manager and tell them you are not in a position to complete the project on your own. Its a big project needing 2 people, so they have to understand that your colleagues absence is going to cause delays. None of us are super humans and you can't be expected to pick up the slack. And don't be fobbed off by them telling you that you are/should be well able to do it alone.

Your post is utterly vile

Being with a loved one at the end of their life is more important than your fucking project

Your posts on here may point to the reason why you are not holding your manager's job title and rank, if that's something you even care to aspire to

You're being massively horrible and selfish

The keyboard warriors are out I see. These posts are pretty horrible and wholly unnecessary. Why do people feel the need to be so nasty and personal.

OP, please ignore these posts. But as others have said, the very first post answers your question.

I can see this from both sides, having recently lost my dad in similar circumstances.
We were told he had a few hours left, and I left work in a rush to get there in time. But he then rallied and, whilst relieved, I felt conscious that work colleagues might be wondering whether I'd over-egged things and might be expecting me back. This was a (self-induced) stress I could have done without. In the event, he died 3 days later. As it happened, no one was expecting me back and people were surprised I returned before the funeral (which I arranged for my day off, so no further days required)
From a business point of view, however, I'm wondering whether a grandparent's illness and death entitles you to the same amount of compassionate leave as a parent/spouse/child. Maybe you can have more if it's unpaid?

You have had some great advice already, in reality she is not going to be able to help with the project.

Speak to your LM urgently now and highlight the issues that you have with the project and come up with a plan

I am just baffled at you stating a thread and writing such a long and incredibly detailed post

Could have spent the time on your project!

Nowhere I've worked would have allowed all that time off paid for a Grandparent.You would have had to go off sick.
OP You need to get the manger to assign someone else to help you or for them to help you themselves. Forget about your colleague full stop.

Highlight to your manager that they need to sequester help from elsewhere or give you guys overtime to complete it, failing that move the deadline if it's possible

Your colleague needs time to say goodbye to a loved one, far more important than work

I took 5 days plus the afternoon of my brother's funeral - but that doesn't make me anything special.

The actual demands, emotionally and physically, of sitting by somebody's bedside, waiting for their time, dealing with relatives, dealing with medical staff, dealing with being afraid to go to the toilet or get some food in case it happens right then, are huge. I couldn't have left once I was there. And once it happened, I was so out of it on caffeine, adrenaline and the body clock disruptions of being in an artificially lit ward all day and half the night meant that I had no idea what day it was, never mind be able to work.

The best thing you can do is keep your 'well, I managed, it's not like it was unexpected' thoughts to yourself and take proactive steps to mitigate the stresses you are under and the achievability of the project.

I don't suppose that my work were particularly 'pleased' I wasn't around, as there was some absolutely time critical work I was solely responsible for that had to be done - but they managed. They didn't complain once (to me) that I wasn't there - and were equally fine with me when I went back.

Had they not been, I'd been given a six week sick note by my GP that I could (and would) have used - considering this was an almost entirely toxic working environment, I was surprised that I didn't have any trouble, but even they, for all their faults, showed common decency towards me in some respects.

Just focus on what you need to be able to sort it out, not how you feel she is being unfair on you. Because she isn't. She's in the middle of something very painful and draining and she needs that time.

Work need to provide you with someone else to work on the project, this will not only obviously be better for you, but also for her probably as it ensures she isn't worried about work. I do empathise with both of you, bloody horrible for her of course; but I haven't worked anywhere where you'd be able to take a few weeks off of work, but plenty where you're expected to carry the workload. It isn't their fault, but it's not yours either, the reason is usually a lack of resilience within the team in terms of being able to move people about teams when required- most just employ the minimum they can now.

Your issue is not with your colleague. Her time off is none of your business no matter how inconvenient you find it. You’re not her manager. If you can’t manage you tell your work you can’t. Or have them move the deadline. I feel for your colleague and while it is a lot of time off if she is allowed it, great. Family before work. Hopefully the company’s leniency works for you all in some way and results in loyal employees etc

I’m afraid that your colleague will not be thinking of work nor should she. To some grandparents are closer than parents and just because you think you’d be right back at work does not mean that everyone is the same. In fact I’d say most are more empathetic.

Work carries on whether you are there are not - none of us are indispensable as much as we’d love to think we are, work is NOT the most important thing in life

Compassionate Leave is a tricky area to manage, and yes it is your Managers problem not yours.

My anecdotal experience in this area is regarding my FIL.
I looked after him for the last couple of years of his life. When he died, the funeral was from my home and we had an open coffin in my front room for mourners to pay their respects.

My work informed me that I was not entitled to compassionate leave as he was not a close enough relative.

I took the time unpaid.