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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex started dating woman with abusive ex

83 replies

nanonamechange · 04/11/2019 13:54

AIBU to make demands on my exH to make it impossible/undesirable for him to continue to date a woman with an abusive ex. Im afraid for my child if the abusive man starts a fight with my exH when my child's in his care. As far as I know this is the first love interest he's had since me and I'm angry he's picked someone with such complications.

OP posts:
ChilledBee · 04/11/2019 17:14

@MrsMaiselsMuff

As a potential co-parent/step parent? No. Before I had children, I took in a friend in a really dangerous situation and she stayed until she sorted herself to move well away from the area. It was risky but it was putting myself at risk. Hubby was then BF and supportive (he stayed the whole time too).

But now we have kids. We can't take those kinds of risks on there behalf. With my friend, our biggest fear was arson (we taped the letter boxes etc). We were scared someone would burn down the house with her (and us) in it. It wouldn't be fair to subject our kids to those types of risks before they can even understand what those risks are.

Now, I'd help a friend/family member in such a situation financially as much as I possibly could but I couldn't take them in or entwine my life with them romantically and I wouldn't be happy if DH did either. But I know he is in agreement because he's seen a lot in his life and he's seen the children in his family witness far too much.

PennyNotSoWise · 04/11/2019 17:34

I'm really shocked at the amount of people who seem to disregard the safety of my child in this circumstance.

I'm shocked that you seem to be disregarding your exH's ability to keep his own child safe.

He is his parent too, and he will want to protect him just as much as you do.

The language you use is very me, me, me. 'shall I demand this, 'I don't want that.' You're not coming across well here, I think this is more about their relationship than it is your child.

IAmPrettyWisdomous · 04/11/2019 17:35

Unless your husband is in a relationship with the man in question you are being disgusting and absolutely abhorrent.

Are victims of abuse both male and female to avoid future relationships? Are those with any complicated and unfortunate past to remain single in case it upsets an ex somewhere? Your logic is not only flawed but you lack compassion as well as common sense it appears.

Your child is the responsibility of you and their father, and he just as you is fully capable of making decisions for his child and their safety. Unless this woman is a threat to his child, there's no reason he cannot be in a relationship with her.

You come across as quite controlling and ex's with mindsets like yours make the other parties life as miserable as possible all in the guise of caring for the child, when really it is just about the control.

I would sincerely hope you don't begin to put conditions on his relationship and life, he has the same rights as you.

Oh and for goodness sake, get some clarity in regards to victims of abuse.

siacolouredthesmallone · 04/11/2019 17:36

I'm hoping so hard that this will be one of those rare situations where the OP says "Gosh - the amount of people who are saying emphatically that I am BVVU has really made me think. I'll definitely not go down that ill-chosen route then...." But reading the updates so far, I have a sinking feeling that you'll not be advised. OP, adding my voice to the many others that are calling YOU out for being a potentially abusive, controlling ex. Hopefully if you do deny your children access to their father, he will take you to court so a judge can point out your lunacy to you.

Whattodoabout · 04/11/2019 17:39

YABU, you can’t control who he dates. What happens when a woman with an abusive ex tries to move on and perhaps has children of her own? Are they not allowed to do this because their abusive ex gets to control the outcome of the rest of their lives?

Don’t be so ludicrous and controlling.

Original poster
nanonamechange · 04/11/2019 18:13

I'm not saying my exH won't have access to our child, but if he has then she won't be there - I won't let her go to his house at all. I can trust him not to go behind my back and allow this to happen. This other woman has safe guarded her own child so far but my exH is the first man she's been involved with since her abusive ex so nobody's sure how he would take it if he found out.
I think it's still early days any way to be meeting the children but so long as her ex is on the scene I don't want my child involved.

OP posts:
littlepaddypaws · 04/11/2019 18:17

i don't think you will get much say in it tbh, he could ask for access through the courts, as i asked previously why is the ex allowed to visit the kids at home if he's that dangerous ?

MitziK · 04/11/2019 18:17

You cannot dictate that she is not there/he doesn't visit/stay over/go to the park/whatever. It's legally fuck all to do with you - and in the Family Court, you'd get pretty short shrift for even trying to stop him from having contact/restrict who he sees during contact.

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 04/11/2019 18:23

OP you’re going to lead a very miserable life if you continue to be this invested in your ex and his life.

TheTrollFairy · 04/11/2019 18:23

Op, you need to take a step back and look at this situation. You are basically victim blaming right now.

What would be reasonable would be that you don’t want your children to be at the GF place whilst HER ex is there seeing his child.
I absolutely understand that you want to protect your children but you are not going about it in the right way whatsoever.

Imagine this is your DD in 20 years time. Would you like it if she was blamed for DV by People refusing to be around her

Blippolbblopp · 04/11/2019 18:26

Yes you are being unreasonable. Your ex has told you their keeping the relationship quiet. I may have missed it but has your ex even said he wants your child to meet or are you jumping to conclusions?

In all honesty i think your just using the concern of your child as an excuse. I think this is about your ex really,

AIBU to make demands on my exH to make it impossible/undesirable for him to continue to date a woman with an abusive ex. i cant believe you even thought this ok to even write this sentance

JacquesHammer · 04/11/2019 18:26

I’m not saying my exH won't have access to our child, but if he has then she won't be there - I won't let her go to his house at all

This is 100% NOT your call.

You have to be less controlling. At the moment it seems as if you have a fairly open relationship with your ex. Is it worth losing that?

You must see how unreasonable you’re being.

Tini17 · 04/11/2019 18:30

YABVU. You don’t get to dictate who he sees, when he sees them and who is in his house during contact with his children.
By all means try it in Court if you’re after a sharp telling off about restricting and obstructing contact.
Some reflection on your behaviour, your investment in your Ex’s life and general and views on how you share parenting is in order...

isitpossibleto · 04/11/2019 18:54

‘I'm not saying my exH won't have access to our child, but if he has then she won't be there - I won't let her go to his house at all. I can trust him not to go behind my back and allow this to happen. This other woman has safe guarded her own child so far but my exH is the first man she's been involved with since her abusive ex so nobody's sure how he would take it if he found out.
I think it's still early days any way to be meeting the children but so long as her ex is on the scene I don't want my child involved.’

Unless this ex is very very violent you are on a hiding to nowhere. If you start interfering with his parenting time if he doesn’t comply with your ‘wishes’ and he takes you to court, the court will likely take a dim view of your actions.

Original poster
nanonamechange · 04/11/2019 18:56

@Blippolbblopp the other woman has asked if they can spend time together somewhere they may not necessarily be together - like a soft play or park. They have already had an event with mutual friends but that was actually by chance and they both practically ignored each other so as not to raise suspicion.

OP posts:
happycamper11 · 04/11/2019 18:58

I have a very abusive and potentially dangerous ex. He does see the children- he drops them off and picks them up: I can guarantee I will never allow him to be a danger to a new partner (despite the fact he's been charged and convicted of threatening to do so) and certainly never let him near any children of a new partner. YABU

siacolouredthesmallone · 04/11/2019 19:23

"I won't let her go to his house at all." In the country I live in it's not impossible for a family court to give residency to one parent if the other is fucking about with regards to access. I dearly wish you'd take on board what virtually everyone has said to you but you won't. So from a place of what I realize is childish antagonism, because this whole post has made me so fucking angry, I just hope he whisks her away from your malevolence as soon as possible.

Olliephaunt4eyes · 04/11/2019 19:26

I also think you want to consider what message you're sending your DD, OP? Do you really want her to grow up thinking that if someone is abused they are somehow tainted and should be shunned?

officeslave1 · 04/11/2019 19:28

nanonamechange I think your getting a bit of a hard time on here. I think it’s normal for you to be worried.

spookysamhainwitch · 04/11/2019 19:37

It sounds like you're also an abusive ex @nanonamechange you're trying to control and manipulate a relationship that has nothing to do with you under the pretext of safekeeping for your child. I fail to understand how your ex's partners ex would come in contact with your kids?

It sounds like you're just not ready to let go of your ex yet; when he's Cleary already moved on.

LemonPrism · 04/11/2019 21:26

...what? YABU you can't control that he's dating a victim of abuse....

WhiskeyLullaby · 04/11/2019 23:58

I hope your ex grows some balls and goes to court to get proper contact arrangements in place. Also that he'll stop being so stupid as to give you ammunition and make you privy to personal details pertaining to him and his girlfirend(either this woman or another). And she is his girlfriend not "the other woman".

You don't get to allow them anything. You don't get to dictate whether she goes to his house. You don't get to decide who he can date.

Get over yourself, no one is fooled by the faux concern and wide eyed innocence. It's all about you and him moving on,nothing to do with your son.

TheMagpie · 05/11/2019 04:40

YABVU. He is your ex, you have absolutely no right to demand anything of him, let alone start dictating who he can and cannot date. Why on earth do you think a victim of abuse would cause you trouble just based solely on that fact?

OwlBeThere · 05/11/2019 04:45

YABU. If my ex started telling me who I could and could not see, he’d get told to mind his own business!

ChilledBee · 05/11/2019 06:45

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