Ex started dating woman with abusive ex

[nanonamechange]

AIBU to make demands on my exH to make it impossible/undesirable for him to continue to date a woman with an abusive ex. Im afraid for my child if the abusive man starts a fight with my exH when my child's in his care. As far as I know this is the first love interest he's had since me and I'm angry he's picked someone with such complications.

Maybe you should have a talk with him and say you are a bit worried about little one being safe and if ever anything did kick off, to be sure to ring you straight away and you can come collect little one to get him out of the way and so he can support his DP? X

Yes YABU to make demands like this of your ex. You haven't got a leg to stand on.

I'm calling reverse.

She's not the only one with an abusive ex by the sound of it...

@Penguincity she has been open about the abuse with my exH so he has told me because they are keeping the 'relationship' quiet for now til they see how it goes. He told me about it so I'd understand why it was important not to disclose that they're seeing each other. I think she has safety things in her home so that's why the dad goes there and he doesn't want much contact by the sounds of it.

I think this is one of those things where you arent being fully compassionate but sometimes we are selfish when it comes to our kids. That's why we do things like use our privilege to get them in the best schools even though we think all schools should be equal.

I wouldn't want this risk for my kids and luckily for me, my DH is the same type of selfish as me when it comes to our babies. He's probably worse in fact. I think it is one of those situations where you are being inconsiderate and ignoring the social and gender relations issues and prejudice that means women are so likely to have a history of abuse +/- a psycho ex still on the scene BUT it is your kids. Do you care if the Mumma Bear in you makes you a bit shitty towards others at times? I don't. I can't afford to.

YABU.

Apropos of nothing, do you want your ex back? #naejudging

YABVU

@ChilledBee However sweetly you try and dress it up, you're effectively saying it's acceptable to victimise a victim of abuse. You don't want people in your 'privileged' life who have been subject to abuse. That's what you're saying isn't it?

I definitely don't want her seeing my child!!

What the victim of abuse you mean. Yes that's clearly double exclamation mark territory. She must be a monster.

You can't control who sees the child anyway but I can't follow your logic at all. Do you not believe this woman's account?

It's not your decision to make

YABVU. It’s none of your business who he goes out with.

@Namechangeforthiscancershit yes I believe it but why would I want her seeing my child and our children meeting when it's such a worrying circumstance?

You’re sounding rather abusive/controlling here, OP.

I'm really shocked at the amount of people who seem to disregard the safety of my child in this circumstance. What if they go to a park together or whatever and they are seen together and this manic kicks off while my child is there?!

This is about your ex moving on and your child being around another woman, more than about her ex. She has been the victim yet you don't want your dc around her.... Which shows it isn't about her ex really. Seems jealous. Poor lady.

Why the fuck would her previously being the victim of abuse have any effect at all on her meeting your child?! Stop being ridiculous. Are women like her, like me, meant to stay in quarantine for the rest of their lives?!

Your child is safe with her father.

Unfortunately 'manics'(?) can 'kick off' in all sorts of scenarios, they may be known to us or they may be strangers. You cannot stop your life in case you might meet an unsavoury person, but you can be assured that any decent father will protect their child should an incident occur.

Reframe your "what ifs" to "if, then...". It will help your anxiety about this OP.

you are victim blaming to a degree but i can see your point of view, i'd worry but then i would have to trust dc's dad to look after our dc. if he is a good dad he will do that, hence they are testing the waters in their own time
if ex was that dangerous why is he visiting dc at home, why not a contact centre or away from the dc's home and presumably safe place ?

YABVVU to try to stop him dating someone.

You may be slightly less U to have a discussion with the ex about timescales for introducing your child to the new girlfriend.

i have sympathy op, i wouldn't want a volatile, dangerous man around my kids. few people would be delighted at this scenario.

however, have some compassion to this woman and her baby, op, its not her fault, and im sure your ex and her will always make sure the dc are safe.

Although the timescales would need to be discussed with any new girlfriend, in the same way you would need to think about it with a new boyfriend.

I think it's reasonable to express your concerns about her ex to your exH but you should do so in a supportive manner rather than a judgemental one.

You seem to be on the attack. While it is understandable to have concerns you cannot reasonably expect your exH to end his relationship because she was in an abusive one previously.

I'm going to stick my head above the parapet here...

I was in a DV relationship, luckily i was able to leave and not have to see him again, Dd1 was 5 at the time.

Would I want my dd2 and dd3 having to deal with those kind of issues? No. Would i be worried that the ex might turn up and start being a dick while my kids are there? Yes.

I think the OP has a point although she actually cant do nothing about it