to be less than thrilled that dh has just given ds his first solid food while i wasnt there

[gringottsgoblin]

came home from picking something up for mil, ds3 is pointing at bowl on floor. dh has shovelled a jar of apple puree into ds because he was hungry and i wasnt here to breastfeed. i have been gone an hour and fed him 5 minutes before i left so i doubt he was hungry, dh just couldnt be arsed to hold him and walk about. i know there are more important things in life but this is a bit of a milestone and i would never do something like that when he wasnt there. i am upset

he is 6 months next week so thats not the issue, apple puree was a bounty freebie, thats why it was in cupboard.

dh has just come in and asked if im annoyed, i said yes and he did a big huffy sigh and said he gives in. am now angry aswell. thoughtless git.

"so its not that we share childcare and he got a milestone, its that i do 99.9% of childcare and he decided to take the milestone."

sorry but you sound unbelievably precious to me and getting annoyed over him having some alone time with the child when as you say you do 99% of the childcare you should be the one making the decisions / getting the milestones etc.i mean ffs it's his kid too.
what if he took this attitude towards the money he earns (i'm assuming your a sahm seeing as you do 99% of the rearing)
if he started getting stroppy with you if you decided to buy something without asking him or waiting for you?

oh and by the way for all the people saying that it's odd he should be praised for doing something simple, i am not saying that. i just think he shouldn't be slated for it as he did the right thing. baby hungry -> feed baby. this is only a milestone for the mother the baby certainly won't remember it. so what is more important?feeding a hungry baby or leaving it go hungry so a selfcentred mother can have another scrap book moment?

Now don't hold back there whiskey ... say what you think

I can sympathise with the OP. When you have b/fed for 6 months (sometimes a day at a time as it has all felt like too much), to just have someone pip you to the finishing post you have spent so long aiming for, could be a bit of a bummer.

I hadn't realised yesterday when reading this, that you held that much resentment towards your husband. It actually sounds like you hate him

Why shouldn't he have fed his own son? I will never ever understand mothers who won't let other people help out. My sister is like this. She has to do everything. Then her dh feels left out & heads off to the pub as sis is too interested in watching the ds's chests rise & fall when they sleep

I sorta get where W&B is coming from too. I was a SAHM when dd was small & dh always give her he last feed at night. it was his time with her. He loved it, so did dd. She always fell asleep in his arms, never mine!

I fail to see why this has upset you so much. I assume you got to give the other 3 children their first solid foods? And as you are a SAHM chances are, you will be there to see his first step & hear his first word etc.. don't begrudge the man a little time with his son.

Maybe ds4 is hard work? Perhaps that's why your dh feels uncomfortable looking after him? Or perhaps he's so attached to you he won't settle for anyone else.

Does your dh actually be allowed to spend time with your children? Is he allowed to bathe them, read them stories?

Most people wouldn't be upset that their other half fed their hungry child. That is probably why he din't think you would be bothered, he didn't think how it would effect you because IT WASN'T ABOUT YOU. IT WAS ABOUT A BABY WHO WAS CRYING.

ggoblin, I can understand why you are resentful towards dh, from what you describe of his unwillingness to engage with ds4. It sounds like you are pushing water uphill.

I am sure dh must sense your seething resentment. He probably thinks he is falling short of your standards - whether because he cannot be bothered or is deliberately unhelpful. I think that is a very bad place for a man to be in a marriage. If he does not fell appreciated (esp if he feels he is trying his best, whether or not you agree), he will wonder why he is hanging around. But you want him to change, and for whatever reason, he is not willing to listen or do it.

Can you go for marriage counselling?

Was ds4 planned? Or perhaps that is too personal a question.

The thing is you say you want him to help out more... and then when he does your mad about it. Did you have a go at him? It will probably just lead to him not helping even more, whereas if you'd come back and it hadn't been an issue he might take the initative more next time

I'm surprised after all you've said about him people still seem to feel sorry for your husband. He seems to do absolutely feck all to help out with your baby (except of course this apple puree incident) and you are being unreasonable?? Madness.

I don't think the puree feeding thing is a problem if he was generally helpful and hands on but as he clearly isn't I can see why you're upset.

I don't really have any advice, but I do think you should tackle some of these issues you and your man have, because things seem to be a bit tense right now!

I think everyone is being very unfair. It is an important milestone. It is also exciting and fun - one of the rewards of parenting. It shouldn't have been taken away from you. I would have been furious if it happened to me.

I don't think yabu. Deciding to start introducing solid/ pureed food is (IMO) a decision that should be made by both parents when they feel it is right. For the dh to go ahead and do it when grin wasn't there seems wrong somehow. FWIW, if dh and I had decided to start weaning I wouldn't have been overly happy if he'd given dd her first taste without me being there but it wouldn't have been the end of the world. If he'd gone ahead without us dicussing it I'd have been really upset (as I think he would have been had it been the other way round). Thankfully it didn't happen that way though- we discussed it, decided to go for it and gave her the first tast TOGETHER.
However, it does appear that there are other issues masking this and I hope you manage to sort them out.

GG I understand where you are coming from. However I don't think your dh meant to upset you - and yes it is upsetting that he didn't realise that it would upset you, but, given that he DIDN'T, you can forgive him, explain that you would like to have been there, and would he bear this in mind in future, and try to put it behind you.

grin....it's not surprising really that you are holding resentment against your OH , especially as he seem to "prefer" his first ds over this one...was you ys a very unsettled child, maybe only settling really wiht you, etc...maybe that is why he treats them differently, i.e. maybe he feels resented by your lo...now I know he is a grown man and should just get over himself...but well, emotions aren't always that easily kept in check.
Anyway, really hope you can it sorted.

I completely understand where you are coming from, I would be really upset if my dp did this - I love weaning!

My dp is also largely uninterested in ds2, gives him a smile and cuddle every now and then and changes the odd nappy but bsically its up to me. He sulked earlier when I told him I'd be going out for half an hour and wasnt taking ds2 with me. He adores ds1, is great with him.

But its nothing to do with me not letting him, him feeling not up to standardm or preferring one child over the other.
Its because ds1 is 4 and can play fight with him, play on the wii, kick a football, cuddle him, tell him he loves him, use a toilet, use a knife and fork and be dropped without breaking.

DS2 is is 4 months and cries for no apparent reason, poos, needs constant monitoring, is (in dp's eyes) scarily fragile and for the majority of the time mind-numbingly boring!! He loves him but isnt that interested. So if he knowingly took one of the moments which to me are interesting and exciting and wonderful, just cos it seemed like the easy option - I'd be seriously hacked off!

thanks to everyone who offered sympathy, it is appreciated.

for those who say he deserves time with his child YOU ARE RIGHT! but he doesnt deserve just the good bits. i can only assume that you have not read the whole thread. i dont do 99% of childcare through choice. yes he works and i dont so nothing can change there, but evenings/nights/weekends i still do it all. i have asked him loads of times to give him a milk feed, to rock him or hold him when he is crying and he wont do it. i am very resentful about this and i cant see it going away unless he listens. if i show im mad it wont put him off helping in the future because unless i make him see he does nothing he wont help anyway. its like the story of the little red hen - everyone was willing to do the nice bit and eat the bread, but no one was willing to do the boring bits. and i still believe that ds wasnt hungry. he had just been fed, it was his usual grizzle time. i get him through it by holding him, carrying him etc. the boring stuff that dh wont do. can just imagine the replies if i posted a title 'should i wean my 2wk old because i cant be bothered to walk round the room to settle him'

this morning he apologised and said he didnt think. so maybe he will next time, but only because i was upset the whole evening. yes we do ned to sort things out but when he thinks we dont have any problems i fail to see how we can do that

"yes we do ned to sort things out but when he thinks we dont have any problems i fail to see how we can do that"

But there IS a problem because you are unhappy and resentful and it is spilling out, like into this incident.

Tbh, it sounds like the way my father treated my mother and us. Just a "good-time" dad and ignored my mother's desires and needs, beyond that of a fulltime homemaker and mother.

It could be that when ds4 is older, your dh will show more interest. And the day-to-day childcare burden should ease once your children are older, so hopefully it will also get better for you. Because it sounds like you are practically shouldering everything on the home front, without your dh chipping in when he is home - that is not fair on you.

((((((((grin))))))))) it must be so frustrating for you right now!

Can i ask..what exactly is his verbal response when you say 'could you please hold your child?'

its very frustrating, but it will get better. when ds4 is big enough to entertain himself i will have a lot more freedom, and i suppose in a few years when he starts preschool i will be in a better situation than dh. he is a fab man, i cant complain after reading a lot of what others have posted on here, he is just so dim sometimes, he really needs certain things spelling out to him. i think if its something upsetting and he cant fix it then and there he likes to think its all ok if i have stopped complaining about it. ranting has helped, and i suppose maybe i might possibly be overreacting about the actual feeding thing, but for now im still upset.

his response to will you hold the baby is something along the lines of 'i was just going to....' he always has something far more important to do. and its obvious that he doesnt want to, as soon as i come back in the room he hands him straight to me, or he puts him in his chair and leaves him to cry so i pick him up. i cant not pick him up, its not fair on any of the kids and i cant stand to listen to him crying. i just dont understand what the problem is. i have asked him and he denies there is a problem but he is so different with ds4, i dont think its because he cant do much as with ds3 he carried him everywhere, took him out, showed him off. he was so proud. he still does loads with ds3, i just hope he notices ds4 some time soon

do you have any video footage and photographs of him holding ds3?

If so I'd be tempted to get them out to remind him what he was like with him and then ask him what photos etc ds4 will have to look bak on in future? Perhpa she is worried that ds3 will be jealous? But this needs sorting as you will grow to resent him.

Has the poor man ever told you he just can't win?
Go on admit it

grin...long shot here...but how would the 2 Birth experiences compare..i.e. was maybe the Birth with your ys more traumatic to him...could that be why he is feeling more detached?
I am only saying this, as I myself, am /was guilty of this...with my ys I had a traumatic Birth and it was a long steep journey to where we are now....incidently despite dh being really scared too, it didn't affect him in the relationship...but...I know it can

i tried talking about stuff he did with ds3 and doesnt do with ds4. he kind of agreed but then nothing has altered, maybe photos would help. i love the fact he has such a fab relationship with ds3 but am very worried about ds4 being pushed out. luckily ds3 adores ds4 and wants to include him in everything (so far!)

i have thought that myself 3nm, ds3 was a waterbirth, really calm and lovely, ds4 was a crash section under ga so he didnt see it. he says the birth hasnt affected him but i do wonder if it has. it hasnt made any difference to me tho so i cant say it must have affected him.

yes pell mell, he has said it many times. but i have said it to him too

Maybe he is nervous with newborns and just feels more comfortable and confident when they are bigger.

but if it was the whole newborn thing, then well, if anything he would have been more scared with his first child, not teh 2. one...and the way I read this, is that he was more hands on from the start with op's 3. ds (his first child)...

Grin, in other things,is he one to talk about emotions and how things effect him? I mean generally now.