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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be less than thrilled that dh has just given ds his first solid food while i wasnt there

102 replies

gringottsgoblin · 17/08/2007 19:55

came home from picking something up for mil, ds3 is pointing at bowl on floor. dh has shovelled a jar of apple puree into ds because he was hungry and i wasnt here to breastfeed. i have been gone an hour and fed him 5 minutes before i left so i doubt he was hungry, dh just couldnt be arsed to hold him and walk about. i know there are more important things in life but this is a bit of a milestone and i would never do something like that when he wasnt there. i am upset

he is 6 months next week so thats not the issue, apple puree was a bounty freebie, thats why it was in cupboard.

dh has just come in and asked if im annoyed, i said yes and he did a big huffy sigh and said he gives in. am now angry aswell. thoughtless git.

OP posts:
Tinker · 17/08/2007 20:34

But a milestone is still a milestone the first time it happnes for you - if you're bothered about that kind of thing. I'm not.

3andnomore · 17/08/2007 20:35

so, gringottsgoblin, are you suggesting that your dh "planned" to give your ds the food, and he did it out of spite, because he knew it would mean so much to you?
If you think that, that is pretty bad, really and sad....if he did it for that reason, than you really need to talk...

Original poster
gringottsgoblin · 17/08/2007 20:36

i dont think there is more to it than meets the eye - he has looked after him twice in 6 months. he wont give him milk, he wont walk him round the room, he rarely changes nappies. i would be thrilled if he would do this stuff but he wont. i go out for an hour and he has done this, i know its a big deal to him, he knows its a big deal to me but he went ahead and did it without even saying he was thinking about it. its not unreasonable for a father to feed a baby, its unreasonable to take something away which he knew was important to me (even if others dont care about it)

OP posts:
LadyTophamHatt · 17/08/2007 20:36

Aloha, I love feeding DS4. If Dh does feed him I find myself hovering around them just to watch....and to make sure he does it right of course.

Is there any hope for me??

actually is there any hope for DH

I know what you mean about everyday being a new milestone though....it jst when they are tiny even the smallest thing (1st solid food for eg) is a biggy in my world.

Heated · 17/08/2007 20:36

Everyone likes praise. I think he might get a "thanks" or "that was resourceful" & a smile rather than complaints for seeing to his child. If he's uninvolved, berating him when he does show some initiative is hardly going to motivate him to become more hands on.

FluffyMummy123 · 17/08/2007 20:37

Message withdrawn

3andnomore · 17/08/2007 20:37

well...I suppose the whole weaning importance bit...I possibly really don't get that as I am pretty much into BLW, so spoonfeeding is not my idea of fun bits, lol...

Original poster
gringottsgoblin · 17/08/2007 20:37

i dont thin khe planned it out of spite, i think he planned to do it and didnt think enough (at all) to realise i would be upset, and now he knows i am upset he hasnt apologised or anything, he has huffed about like a teenager told to tidy his room

OP posts:
aloha · 17/08/2007 20:38

cod is right. This goes much deeper than a jar of apple puree.

Original poster
gringottsgoblin · 17/08/2007 20:38

oh yes its about me and him. sorry, i didnt make that clear did i. it was obvious to me honestly, you would think you cant read minds or something

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 17/08/2007 20:39

Message withdrawn

FluffyMummy123 · 17/08/2007 20:40

Message withdrawn

3andnomore · 17/08/2007 20:40

actually, is there a chance he is so uninvolved because he feels usually he is taking somehting away from you?
Or is he uninterested (or seems that way) ebcause he is basically to worried to do anything, because he knows it's not up to your standards?

I was like that with our first child, and it really created problems in our marriage, luckily we were able to talk about it, eventually and with the subsequent children I was far happier to let him have a go, and sometimes tis hard not to say something negative when you think what they do, or how they do it isn't right...but, in the end I always reminded myself that he loves them as much as I do.

ricepuddingpaddington · 17/08/2007 20:41

Thatb was snow white cod.

FluffyMummy123 · 17/08/2007 20:41

Message withdrawn

LadyTophamHatt · 17/08/2007 20:43

GG, this happens to me all the time. I start a thread saying X,y and z and in the end its about a,b and c.

It's how MN works. It gets under you skin and reads your subconcious mind.

I've spilled many many of my inner most thoughts and feeling on threads that statrt off with me asking how much a bag of chips are (well not exactly that but YKWIM)

Original poster
gringottsgoblin · 17/08/2007 20:49

i have been here ages lth, i just keep getting bored with my name so change it but dont announce it as no one knows me anyway. so i am well aware of how threads can turn out!

there are a few people seem to think i wont let him have input. this is not the case. i would love him to have input, but he wont. this isnt the 2nd time i have asked him to look after ds4, its the 2nd time he has been willing to do it. he has been in the house while he has been asleep but actual awake looking after is totally different. i do not have impossible standards, as has been pointed out this is ds4 so i am well beyond the pfb stage. as soon as i walked in i was handed back responsibility for the baby, if im in the house its always my responsibility. so its not that we share childcare and he got a milestone, its that i do 99.9% of childcare and he decided to take the milestone. if he wants to take away the pacing round the living room at 4am he is welcome to that but he doesnt seem so eager

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 17/08/2007 20:51

This sounds serious - do you know how much it sounds like you hate him right now?

crokky · 17/08/2007 20:53

gringottsgoblin: yes, I would say it is OK to be less than thrilled about it. However, try not to worry too much about missing his first food - at least DH was able to pacify him in some way - my DH would have stared at crying baby, wondered what to do and done nothing at all!

3andnomore · 17/08/2007 20:58

grin....you have a lot of resentment in you, and that does come across in your posts...wanting to or not....read through the thread with an openmind and see where we take our conclusions from...I know this sounds really patronizing...but honestly, I do think you have issues and you do need to address them, for your own happiness, no one elses.

smileyfish · 17/08/2007 21:03

ffs, I think you should get a grip. It's not exactly life changing is it

Original poster
gringottsgoblin · 17/08/2007 22:27

thanks smiley, that really helps

am rather surprised everyone else has seen how angry and resentful i am, cos he has no idea at all. am a bit calmer now, has helped to rant. also useful to see replies even if they dont all agree, helps me see his side of it (maybe)

OP posts:
3andnomore · 17/08/2007 22:35

aww grin, you probably felt like everyone ganged up on you.....honestly, talk to your OH explain and estabilish whatinvolvement you would like and where you want to be at lest there...
hopefully you can sort things out.

3andnomore · 17/08/2007 22:36

oh, has your oh always been like this or is it just with this dc?

Original poster
gringottsgoblin · 17/08/2007 22:39

i dont feel ganged up on at all, i wouldnt have posted if i wanted everyone to agree (seen people disappointed too often lol). this is my ds4, his ds2. he is amazing with ds3 (his ds1) and always has been but useless with ds4. i dont know why. i have tried talking but it goes in one ear and out the other.

OP posts:
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