To ask you how did you become successful?

[ethelfleda]

I’m not going to define ‘success’ - if you consider yourself to be successful then you probably are!

Basically, I was watching the pre match coverage before the rugby World Cup final and they were discussing what the team would likely do to prepare. Their diet, pre match rituals. They were interviewing a sports psychologist.

I started to wonder about applying this philosophy to meet life goals.

So, let’s say my goal was to earn a million pounds in the next five years (it isn’t, but I’m using this as an example) then my biggest asset to achieve this is my brain. So if I was to work on my confidence levels, always get enough sleep and exercise, eat the right sorts of foods, as well as to figure out the main ‘game plan’ to achieve this, this should help to hit those goals, right?

I’m probably not explaining this very well!
So easier to ask - what do successful people have in common? Are they all very confident? Hardworking? Have a certain mindset? Have you read a book that changed the course of your life or met someone you wanted to emulate?

Happyspud, more people are lazy than you might imagine. I'm not saying everyone who wants success and doesn't achieve it is lazy, but in my experience there are people who realise that things happen when someone does them, and people who watch others do things and wonder why it isn't happening for them - but the idea of DOING IT doesn't take root for whatever reason.

I think it is largely about being able to play the long game

Being able to delay gratification.

My sister is financially very successful and I am not

She was always able to (chose to) wait for what she wanted and work at it whereas I was always just 'good enough' to get by (say with homework or revision) and then go on to read my book, spend time with friends or just chill. I did ok at school up to A level and then dropped out because I couldn't just wing them. She worked hard, got great A levels and went to Oxford.

It applied to other things too, When we started buying our own clothes she would save up and buy something expensive and classy - and would hand wash or dry clean where necessary. I was cheap and cheerful because I wanted new clothes NOW, I also didn't look after them the same either. I rather have my nose in a book than waste time hand washing and ironing etc.

I suppose the a question is though; is it a choice or is it just who we are? I think it's a combination, we are born with certain characteristics and tendencies but these get reinforced by our upbringing. I was labelled lazy at 3 months (5th of 7 and the most laid back of all of them) and every time I was 'lazy' it was pointed out and I accepted that was just me - and still is. A different upbringing may or may not have had a different result.

turtle

Absolutely.
And I think different things are encouraged in different social circles too. I grew up on a really rough council estate and was bullied really badly for liking drama and playing the violin. I actually gave up the violin when I went to secondary school after someone grabbed it off me on the bus and wouldn't give it back, anyone trying to better themselves was met with a 'who do you think you're trying to be?' attitude.

The thing is though that if you can't change your past, it's really really hard and I'm not saying everyone can do it or it's easy, but I studied how the richer kids behaved and just copied them until I started believing it.
It's not a very attractive quality I know to basically say 'I was fake' but it worked.

This could only work though because I was able to physically move to a more affluent circle when I went to university.
I don't think I'd have been able to do it otherwise.

furrytoebean, a lot of your last post rings true. I'm sorry you had to grow up with that attitude, I did as well, outside my home. It was painful and I still feel the shame of not fitting in. I moved on and got a more 'middle-class' set of friends at university and learning their norms was a huge, huge part of my education. It doesn't sit right now somehow that that's part of what you have to do to get on.

But I also I wouldn't have got into the uni I got into if I hadn't worked out which books I needed to read and the way I needed to present myself to get in and I basically coached myself to get into that school from the age of about 14.

Knowing what you want is such a massive part of it.

The people I know who are financially successful now having come from humble beginnings are all very confident, some to the point of arrogance and I can’t actually have a conversation with them because it is just a list of all their recent successes. But the confidence is key. One man in particular is open (to friends and family) about lying in all his job applications and interviews. He said the worst that can happen if he was caught is he either doesn’t get offered the job or loses it once he’s started and he just applies for more. For a few years he jumped from company to company and I thought he was always being sacked but looking back I think he was taking better opportunities as they arose rather than waiting to be promoted. That being said- he’s well established in his career now so he doesn’t need to lie anymore. His excellent record speaks for itself. I’ve tried to borrow some of his ethos in my own career and tbh- it works. I’m still battling my female socialisation of being polite and truthful but I’m getting there

I work for myself but don't consider myself successful. I think I don't push myself enough because I don't believe I can do it, so this thread is really interesting.

I KNOW I have the skills, but it's almost like I'm afraid to push myself further or actually pursue that idea and see it through, incase it fails, which is a stupid attitude. I'm also scared of putting money into something that fails, so it's interesting to see how other people think about these things.

I'm starting to feel like I just need to go for it, lately. But also, my issue is focus - I have so many things I'd like to do, I'm never sure how to pick one direction and stick to it.

I’m successful but in a limited sense. Not massive money but an amazing set up and everything I want professionally and personally. My DHs success is limitless. He is a very unique type of person. He doesn’t realise what he is. But he’s incredibly different in how he moves through life and how he thinks.

I think that in general you're more likely to get what you want if you can say what that is. That applies to everything from consumer complaints to major life decisions. So I would say that the key to 'success' is to define what it is for you in the form of a 'goal', and then figure out what actions or interim goals occupy the path between where you are now and where you want to be. Then just treat it in the manner of a to do list. Luck plays a part, but less of a one that most people think imo, but I do think you have to be prepared to think flexibly - for instance, if you define success as being mortgage-free and not having to work full-time, it's probably a form of self-sabotage to insist that you can only be happy living in central London.

I had the inordinate benefit of a broken and often neglectful childhood combined with a love of reading. Theygave me freedom, resilience, determination and the ability to work until I dropped. The reading - mainly fiction but serious, demanding and traditional texts which I lapped up - gave me context and a knowledge of the adult world and human nature over many centuries.

I wouldn't say that I have been overly successful but I managed to teach full time for 33 years and have given my children a platform for interesting and successful careers. My DH and I have similar interests and working habits and I would say that we have a rather more comfortable safety net than others with our start in life.

I suppose it all depends on what people call success. To be an independent, thinking, solvent person with choices and fallbacks seems to fit the bill for me. I don't want a superyacht or a Ferrari.

Agree with the Walt Disney analysis - successful people fail and instead of throwing in the towel, keep going.

I don't know if it's possible to drill it down to one characteristic. I'm very tenacious but I'm also driven a lot by fear of returning to the poverty of my childhood.

I agree with everything CherryPavlova said and it's how I am (by that I mean how I define myself as) successful.

Long, life threatening illness as a teenager and parents who were emotionally absent meant I developed my fight or flight attitude pretty quickly including my "fuck it" attitude which meant for me, taking advantage of every opportunity of meeting people and saying yes such as moving and living abroad. No kids (never wanted them and ensured my flexibility) and a loving and supportive DH have helped.

Slightly galling that my parents claim all of this as a tribute to their parenting but still

“I watched a drama on Netflix about Walt Disney it really shows how successful people think imo. He never gave up despite many failures and obstacles.”

I think it’s worth adding a health warning here. I have a family member who never gives up. But he isn’t very good at running businesses, and really should. He has the Walt Disney mentality but you need the skills to back it up. Otherwise your life is a car crash if you continually trying.

Although there is a lot of luck in success, hard work plays a part too and gets most of us over the line IMo. It has to be smart hard work though, not just being a. Hamster on a wheel

'Rich House, Poor House', is formulaic and has its lessons about life preordained in that it sets out to prove its message about wealth and being less well off rather than observing the differences as they are demonstrated. However, there are some constants. The poorer families get in a rut and accept their lives, managing from week to week. They are always on the back foot, drift and go with the flow. The richer couples have plans, work hard and tackle problems as they arise. They have vision and drive themselves hard in their chosen spheres. They are often self made people and play as hard as they work.

Lily flower I agree. I don’t often watch the show but I caught an episode recently where the rich woman was a hairdresser and when the shit hit the fan for them on their time in the poor house she lifted her scissors and said as long as she had those she’d always make money and off she went and traded a haircut for something. No way of course not everyone has a lifetimes worth of hair dressing skills but there’s usually a little something everyone could do. But they just aren’t wired that way to think “what can I do to improve this situation”. It’s just not a habit they’ve learned.

Cheesecake I think you raise a great point about being willing to exaggerate or even lie about your abilities and experience, and I think this is part of what women see disguised as “Male confidence” you can imagine the reaction on a traditionally po faced forum (female dominated) like MN if anyone suggested they were going to lie about their experience. Amongst many men, I believe this is so common place it’s not worth a mention. Because they then have the confidence to think “I’ll tell them I can do it, then work it out when I get there”

cherrycoke

Oh absolutely, I think that 'just keep working hard and success will inevitably come' mentality is really dangerous.

The people who write the self help books are the ones who it worked for.

I had a boss who bought into this mentality and when her business was t working out she'd expand and throw money at it thinking she just wasn't thinking big enough. It was such a mess.

My issue I'm dealing with now is that I'm far too self reliant. I have grown everything on my own and can't delegate at all, I know it's what's stoping me growing to the next phase but I just can't do it.

I’ve recently had a great lesson from my current leadership. He’s very smart, and he is privileged. But he works SO hard. He’s the one who, if he doesn’t know how to do something, researches it and learns. He puts everything he has into each report, whilst knowing when to say “good enough- get it out the door” he empowers people to do that same. It’s been inspirational. I’ve always been a bit of a plodder and, as a PP described, wanted instant gratification

I think it's also difficult to motivate yourself when you are in that rut. The richer couples have plans and goals, but that's so much easier to do when you don't have to worry about food on the table or a roof over your head.

@furrytoebean, wow! I can't believe you knew what you wanted at 14! That's one of the biggest differences I think. I was just happy to take each day as it comes. We didn't have money but we had loving attentive parents and quite a good rural childhood. And maybe that hasn't done me any good

The people who write the self help books are the ones who it worked for.

I’d go as far as to say that the people who write self help books neither know or care if what they’re writing works. They know that there is such a huge demand to know “the secret” that their books will sell regardless of what’s in it with the added bonus that because there is no “one size fits all” method that what the write will work for some and not others. Just like any other method. The people who write self help books aren’t writing them to help people. They’re writing them to create a passive income stream.

turtle

I'm actually not doing the thing that I wanted to be at 14 but what I definitely knew I wanted to be was not to be trapped in the situation I grew up in and that was a way out.

I’ve never known what I wanted to do and as a result I made the mistake of thinking I couldn’t actually do anything of worth until i knew. So I thought I could just work retail/min wage jobs until I figured out what my future career was supposed to be. I thought I would feel a calling at some point. How stupid I was! the truth is I have no pre defined destiny. I could well have 60 jobs by the time I retire. I will cut and run to the next better opportunity as it arises and it will because I’m constantly on the look out for it. I wish I had known this at 16. I wouldn’t have wasted all those years doing low paying jobs waiting for the lightbulb to appear.

Hard work and determination. Never give up. I've been watching 'Rich House, Poor House" and interested in what the rich people did to get where they were. One started off selling second hand cars. No posh education needed - (although others did have). And he remained very much working class, despite owning several mansions. The last one came over here with a few pounds in his pocket, and later opened a shop.

Absolutely right cheesecake I completely agree

But also, we need the tools that some of us are given but most of us aren’t to recognise this. Those tools are an important factor in success.

So for example, I tried to work hard at school, but I didn’t have anyone tell me how you were supposed to revise, how important exam technique was, what exams would cover, even. I learnt this during my masters at nearly 30- all that wasted education. I got the education but didn’t really know how to use it or make the best of it.

Equally, hard work. My parents work their arses off. DF self employed. Works all hours. He sees nothing better than working like a shire horse. As a result by 16 I had 3 part time jobs and worked all hours whilst still at school. This not only distracted me from education, but I earned bugger all. Many of those jobs I would've better off not doing at all, but for the most part I’d would’ve been better doing 1 good job rather than 3 crap ones. No one had a chat with me and helped me think about it or plan. They just thought it was brilliant I worked so hard, and I revelled in the praise.

This continued throughout most of my life to date- any job would do. Because having a job meant the opportunity to progress, make contacts etc. There is truth in this but you need to be realistic. My dad hears about out of work skilled people and says they should work in McDonald’s, because it may not be skilled but stay there and you could be the manager in a few years earning good money. He forgets there are always more foot soldiers, and not everyone can be a general, that sometimes it’s better to stand back and plan rather than launch in erratically. That’s how I was brought up.

I tried to work hard at school, but I didn’t have anyone tell me how you were supposed to revise, how important exam technique was, what exams would cover, even

Same!

I did an adult access course 15 years after leaving school and it only dawned on me then how little I had actually been taught in school about how to take an exam. Tiny Things like looking at the number in the column next to the question: a (3) tells you there are 3 points up for grabs so you need to be putting at least 3 things in your answer. When I was in school I thought those numbers were none of my business! I left school at 15 thinking I was stupid. 15 years later I got into my first choice university with the equivalent of AAB a levels. Imagine if I’d managed that 15 years earlier?