To consider letting my son live with his Dad

[FirTree31]

Sorry to add another thread only two weeks after my last, my family just seem to be going through it. My last thread was about Ds2 (4) who's behaviour is out with feeling 'normal' (school are arranging a visit from Ed psych).

DS1 (9) is often upset by Ds2 behaviour, saying he finds it stressful and often cries about it. I am stressed, after graduating from a Masters last year I got an entry level job in Higher Education in HR, work has been stressful recently, they are standardising processes and not replacing staff, I was told if I didn't pick up pace I would go down informal review, which I know think is just part of the bigger picture. I work 4 days a week, sit in traffic nearly 2 hours a day, my children are picked up last at ASC. We have little money and their fathers pay absolute minimum and never contribute towards school trips/extra curricular activities/don't spilt school term holidays (I was with DS1 dad for 7 years, Ds2 for 3.5).

DS1 told me, not for the first time, he wants to live with his dad and his wife (no other children) , but he's worried about changing schools, he also said, more hurtfully so that he gets talked and listened to at his dad's. I can see now, I am so stressed with the weight of responsibility, finances, sitting in traffic, Ds2 behaviour, worrying about everything, not being able to sleep that I am not a happy mummy. DS1 is worried and stressed and sad and probably feels alone, and I want to help him. Every fibre of my being does not want him to leave, when it is just he and I we feel so much better so I can understand the pull for it to be just he and his dad. They have two FT incomes also, where as I have to constantly worry about money. His dad does not like me and is always rude and has threatened me with stopping maintenance a few times, but I am so confused and overwhelmed and don't know how to help DS1. Should he live with his dad where he may be happier?

How much time does he spend with his dad at the moment? Could you increase that and see how it goes? 50:50 would give you a bit of breathing space and maybe DS2 would benefit from the one to one attention.

So many issues but would his Dad be kind to him and give him a loving home? He doesn't sound very nice from what you have said.

The bizarre thing is that his dad refused to take him anymore time, he lives 30 minute drive away. two years ago, at DS1 request I asked his dad to spend an extra weekend a month with him (it was standard EOW), he completely refused, I got a solicitor hoping that might help, but he used it as an opportunity to say terrible things about me to my solicitor and never appointed his own, however it did result in one extra night per month, but I do driving there and back. During this time he also said he would happily have DS1 live with him and his wife, it was a little all or nothing. Ex gives me a calender for the dates he will have our son, I have no say in this and either take it or he won't see him.

I hope I don't come across as too morbid, we go places, we love the cinema, and take our dog for walks, we're not stuck in the house, but money is a big worry.

This all sounds really hard OP and I'm sorry you're going through this. Are you sure DS1 will have a better quality of life living with his dad and step mum? Is your ex's wife even prepared to have her step son move in full time, do you know?

I'm looking for a new job closer to home which will at least help relieve the stress of being late and the pressure of sitting in traffic knowing your children are waiting. Exs wife is apparently happy to have our son according to Exs letter to solicitor.

I'm torn on this one. I think him living with his dad all the time might just exacerbate the situation - if he sees even less of you and his brother, the bond might weaken even more.

Maybe you could agree to a trial prriod, to give you all some breathing space? Also, with your job, will you always have to soend hours in traffic? If so, since it's obviously causing issues (which I completely understand!) Can you move closer to work or get another job? Even if you wait until ds2 has had his assessments first, so you're not having to start from scratch with that once you move.

Also. If DS1 moves in with his dad, you’ll be liable for maintenance. With the cost of ASC have you looked at a childminder or perhaps someone who can have the boys in their own home?

Ah cross posted about the job!

Have you worked out how much maintenance he will demand from you?

I am struggling to vote. This is too difficult to vote on. And even more difficult to interpret the results.

I could say yanbu for wanting the best for your ds but yabu to allow this to happen.... or at least not think deeply of the implications of this happening. Your ds is being used as a pawn with him / them. His father can’t even bother to collect him for contact, offers inflexible dates on a take or leave it basis but would be happy with taking over as resident parent - wtf! Who’s to say he would be happier.

You could go back with a counter offer that sees your ds going to them more but without changing schools and with them doing more of the driving. It sounds as if he can’t be arsed with your ds but his wife is a decent woman (maybe?) and will do all of the childcare.

What about your youngest? Is he the father?

My instinct is to say he has got to earn the right to have your ds more tbh. But that doesn’t help either your ds or you, both of whom are struggling. Do you have anyone else either of your children could go to individually, so that your ds gets time alone?

He said it'd be the same as he pays, £40 a week. I wouldn't be better off financially with eldest gone, nothing noticeable I wouldn't think, I'm just so worried about him, up since 5 upset about what is happening, posting on here, I'm just being a shit mum. I love him dearly, it's all my fault because I can't cope.

Have you worked out how much maintenance he will demand? Christ I hadn’t thought of that.

I'll maybe take the vote off, I just pressed it but you're absolutely right it makes no sense to he there.

Yanbu to consider this as an option

BUT , BUT it might be better to try first every technique you can throw at things first as
It sounds like his dad doesn’t really want him
Anyway ? Whereas you DO want him
But are struggling to cope

Firstly don’t beat yourself up so hard . When work and family is off pat it throws you and few people could cope with what you
Have .

You know when people give you
Good advice ? Write it all down and pick the two you want to try this week

Could be deep breathing , could be a technique for the younger one , but try it and see if they work

Getting out of such deep pits is never easy

Oh bless you
No I don't think you should send him to live with his father because he sounds awful. He won't have him more often which is Probably what he needs, so you can be sure he won't act in his best interests if he lived there. Would he put him off contact with you? Would contact be more stressful for DS if he didn't live with you?
Does DS2 have any contact with his own dad?
You work 4 days a week which isn't unusual but you need to find ways to make yourself less stressed. It sounds like work is a big stressor but since you're fairly new to the role it will get easier as you get more used to it.
Money is stressful - have you got a proper handle on your finances? Is there anything you can move around to reduce outgoings? Finances will also get better as you progress in your career - do you have payrises built in?
Regarding DS2's behaviour - have you sought advice from every available source to manage it? What's the most difficult point of the day - maybe mumsnet SEN board can help you with strategies?

Is £40 pe week and completely inflexible dates what you would end up with if you ? I have no experience of this at all but it seems like a small amount of maintenance.

I can't vote. I think you'd be better to address the issues at home first. I don't think ds1 really understands the implications of what he is asking. I'd be very cautious about him going to his Dad's, he doesn't sound that fabulous.

What is going on with ds2? How often does he go to his Dad? Could that be increased and set at opposite times to ds1 so he gets a break?

Does his dad even want him? He sounds like a useless prick.

No ,do not do this
Fight for your child .your sons are brothers they belong together

I personally don't think the Dad will have him, I think hes all talk. If he hardly has his now and only increased this by a day and you do all the driving etc, do you really think he will step up? I don't.
I think if push come to shove he will either back down and refuse to have him or your son will go and stay less than a week.

Hello. In my opinion no don't let him go. That will destroy your relationship forever. He's your son and he needs you. I think you need to see this as a rough patch and don't give up on yourself or him. Your doing your best for your kids. It must be so hard doing it alone. I'm a stay at home mum with a partner who helps out after work and I feel bored and lonely. I sometimes feel like I fail my kids because I can't drive and we never do alot unless daddy's off work. It sucks being a parent.

Maybe you can slowly start looking for another job that's closer to home. No rush it it takes a while. Also remember that your younger son is four and might well improve or you will learn how to manage his behaviour with support. You do probably need to try and give your eldest half an hour in the evenings maybe 3 times a week where you talk. Have a hot chocolate and a chat. Read a book. Play a game. Take him for a walk in the summer with youngest too but you will all get out. Just find little things to give him your time.

I feel for you but it sounds like it's something that will improve over the years and your just in a tricky stage. It is hard being everything to everyone.

Maybe a sleepover or two at his dad's might be nice. But be careful as if you do let him live their you can't go back and life is too short xxx

Who said it will be £40 a week? Have you worked that out yourself online?

The Dad hardly sounds like he falling over himself to facilitate more time with your son. Surely this is just a ruse to make you look bad.

He doesn't even collect him, you drop him off and pick him up. I think he is a liar.

You need to stop being so hard on yourself, you are doing the best you can and from what I can see it isn't that bad. You are working toward changing jobs, you have improved your career prospects, you are doing great!