To consider letting my son live with his Dad

[FirTree31]

Sorry to add another thread only two weeks after my last, my family just seem to be going through it. My last thread was about Ds2 (4) who's behaviour is out with feeling 'normal' (school are arranging a visit from Ed psych).

DS1 (9) is often upset by Ds2 behaviour, saying he finds it stressful and often cries about it. I am stressed, after graduating from a Masters last year I got an entry level job in Higher Education in HR, work has been stressful recently, they are standardising processes and not replacing staff, I was told if I didn't pick up pace I would go down informal review, which I know think is just part of the bigger picture. I work 4 days a week, sit in traffic nearly 2 hours a day, my children are picked up last at ASC. We have little money and their fathers pay absolute minimum and never contribute towards school trips/extra curricular activities/don't spilt school term holidays (I was with DS1 dad for 7 years, Ds2 for 3.5).

DS1 told me, not for the first time, he wants to live with his dad and his wife (no other children) , but he's worried about changing schools, he also said, more hurtfully so that he gets talked and listened to at his dad's. I can see now, I am so stressed with the weight of responsibility, finances, sitting in traffic, Ds2 behaviour, worrying about everything, not being able to sleep that I am not a happy mummy. DS1 is worried and stressed and sad and probably feels alone, and I want to help him. Every fibre of my being does not want him to leave, when it is just he and I we feel so much better so I can understand the pull for it to be just he and his dad. They have two FT incomes also, where as I have to constantly worry about money. His dad does not like me and is always rude and has threatened me with stopping maintenance a few times, but I am so confused and overwhelmed and don't know how to help DS1. Should he live with his dad where he may be happier?

No don’t do this.

It’s a panic response. Also you and ex sound not on the same page and he is not nice to you. And you seem to be relying on the step mum being around.

look at other options and just cut down anything you can. Look at less days even temporarily. You could possibly ask for parental leave one day a week for three months. For example. Cut down on spending. Find a childminder who can connect with your kids - interview several and once you have found a gem they will alleviate some pressure.

I think you need to sit down with your eldest and lay your cards on the table.

Treat him to a certain extent like a grown up.

Explain your day. Explain that what is going on will not be forever.

You are trying to find a job closer to home.

Tell him you are going to tackle ds2 behaviour and each night after ds2 has gone to bed set aside a time for just him. Even if you have to push his bedtime back an extra half hour or hour.

You need one to one time each day with your children so they can unload any problems on to you.
Some days it might only be a 10 minute chat. Other times you might need longer.

I don’t think the eldest’s issues are about finances (although it would make you less stressed) but about time.

Sorting a different job closer to home, ds2 seeing an Ed Psych and working on what he says will go a long way.

I would also look at what your ex pays. If there are 2 incomes and no children living there £40 sounds very low

I've definitely got a lot to think about and look at ways of tackling things. I've booked a GP appointment for youngest and I on Friday this week. I could really do with some time off work, but I was off on Thursday for a cold which really relates to stress but I can't take time off with stress in an entry role.

Another way to think about it is: in a two-parent family there wouldn't generally be an option of a nine-year-old child going to live somewhere else. It only arises because he isn't resident with his dad. That would be an extremely drastic step in any other context. Nor are your problems at the level that would see a child going into foster care or social services recommending that they live with another family member. The family would solve the problems within the context of the family or access other services to help. I think that is the way you need to see it: it is a bumpy time and harder for you because you are single, but you can take steps to make things better. Best wishes.

Do not entertain this idea.. hes too young to understand the bigger picture and the implications of this. Once hes gone itll be very difficult to get him home. Have you sat down with him and gone through the issues and what is making him unhappy? Be honest with him, tell him why you have to work, tell him about his brothers assessments, tell him you feel really awful that he is feeling that way. Try and go through solutions together. Had a similar situation with dd who is 9. Ultimately she just needed more from me, we now talk much more, she offloads onto me, and I try and set aside an hour most evenings when the youngest is in bed for some 1 to 1 time. I also changed my hours at work. This situation is fixable currently but if he goes to live with his dad it probably wont be.

I've changed my mind given your updates. I had assumed your Ex was co-parenting but he seems more intent on messing you around than doing what is best for your DS1.

In light of what you have said I think you need to focus on getting help for DS2 and finding strategies to manage his behaviour. Also explain to DS1 about your job and your hopes that things will change in the new job.

Honestly I’d let him go as a trial. His taking you, you don’t listen to him and his being hurt by his sibling.

He doesn’t care if you have million pounds or one pound that’s your worries, he wants you to listen to his fears, worries and to protect him from his sibling.

Ultimately your ex might take him on just to get back at you.

A few weeks of him drip feeding how you are the bad parent and this little boy won’t know whether he is coming or going. Then he will decide that he can’t look after him and this will just mess with his mind and leave you to pick up the pieces.

Please don’t let him go to live with his father because you will be storing up problems for the future.

Whatever the D's wants, surely? He's not happy living with you, is he? Tell ds1 and his df that you're happy to do it on a trial basis, and so long as ds1 is happy he can stay. If he wants to come back, he has to be allowed to.

£40 a week is what he decided, I tried to go to the CMS but ex threatened he'd stop all maintenance I'm front of our son shouted at me then slammed my car door

Don't let you son live with this prick - before you know it he'll be completely alientated from you and in far more of an emotional mess than he is now. Can you imagine the poison they'll drip into his ear?

Oh and it won't be £40 a week! Once your son is resident with him, he'll make a full claim for CMS so fast your head will spin and present YOU with a set of times you will be 'allowed' to see him... and it won't be times convenient for you.

Go to CMS, now. You will get more and it will be easier.
Sit down with your son and come up with a plan of times to talk, times to be together.
Remember he probably hears so much negative stuff about you and his home when at his dad's, this could be part of the reason he feels the way he does.

Your ex doesn't have your son's interests at heart. He really doesn't. I wonder whether he listens (ie prompts for info) so that your son says things that he can then fire at you as missiles.

I'm really shocked at him paying you £40 pw. I think child maintenance should cover half of all childcare as well as whatever's decided for living on.

Are you getting all the tax credits etc that you're entitled to?

You have split with your partner over character differences that DS1 has evolved, and feels more compatable with his dad. The drive for DS1 to be with your ex, will not go away, and only sensitive handling in the meantime will prevent it becoming a bigger problem. You're ex is paying out an extra £160 a month that comes out of their combined wage, we dont know the pressure on your ex. If they had children of their own, they would have needed to have flexible hours to accomodate looking after their own child. I assume that DS1 has his own bedroom when he goes to see his dad. There is no doubt that your studies and stressful job would have had an adverse effect on the children, but he is in a similar situation, and may need to work some weekends. So that you don't become the problem in DS1s eyes, ensure he see's his dad as often as possible, and that it is his Dad, or his Dads job that is preventing more quality time with him. Good communication with ex is vital, including if he is likely to be late picking DS1 up.

£160 per month is basically sod all towards the upkeep of his child.
Hes paying fuck all and doing the same re parenting him.

Ex and I broke up because he pushed me against a wall and put his hand over my mouth whilst I was holding our 17 month old son because I asked him to take DS1 to nursery as he wasnt working that day.

Of course I listen to DS1, I encourage him to talk to me, I ask questions when he does, my being here is a result of listening to him. I think the advice pp have suggested relating to setting aside some one2one time with DS1 is a really good idea, I will speak to him tonight about this and about what I am doing about his little brother.

Notodontidae I'm not sure where you got character differences from, nor where the stress of exs life comes into any of this, should I be grateful that he sees his son EOW and contributes £40. He goes on holiday to far off places every year, does not spilt term dates, so I have to put eldest in summer camp for example, which costs £38 a day. I'm not suggesting ex does not have issues, we All have issues, but that is not the focus here. I had to get a solicitor involved before ex would take our son ONE extra night a month because he would not listen to him

Your ex could have DS1 more frequently I’d if he wanted to and he could pay you more if he wanted to, but he’s chosen not to.

Don’t think I need to tell you what your ex is like. Pretty much guarantee he’ll soon be restricting your access and asking you for full CMS.

As pp mention, I think your son is telling you he’s not happy at home, rather than he doesn’t want to live with you. Listen to his reasons for wanting to live at his dad’s and I think that will tell you what he isn’t enjoying. Definitely try and do 1:1 with him when you can and do keep pushing for help with DS2.

I just had a conversation with DS1, I assured him I was taking steps to make things easier (new job search, GP appointment for DS2), that I was listening to his upsets and I wanted him to continue to tell me, and I suggested what pp has advised, that actually it may not be that he'd prefer to live with his dad, but that he needed things at home to be better so he could be happy, and DS1 agreed, and he suggested that on Saturday night we go to a restaurant just him and I, so I'll tell DS2 dad we can't have him back until Sunday morning. I also reminded him that mummy being stressed is not his fault and that it is my problem to deal with everything.

That good it's that time and talking that he needs.

My DS acted out at school in a similar type of situation except DS started behaving oddly. School got him some counselling while I worked on changing jobs to something I enjoyed much more closer to home. It was a really hard time but you do get through it. A few years on and DS is happy (and so am I!).

See if you can get some counselling for your DS either through school or GP. Extra support for a little while may be of help.

I think you have handled this well. I have had a similar situation and it did help to have one on one time with older DC. She was also supported by a young person’s worker (through Women’s Aid). I don’t want to go into more details, but younger DC also turned out to have autism so once I had some support and strategies for that, it helped too.