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AIBU?

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Original poster

To consider letting my son live with his Dad

70 replies

FirTree31 · 04/11/2019 05:46

Sorry to add another thread only two weeks after my last, my family just seem to be going through it. My last thread was about Ds2 (4) who's behaviour is out with feeling 'normal' (school are arranging a visit from Ed psych).

DS1 (9) is often upset by Ds2 behaviour, saying he finds it stressful and often cries about it. I am stressed, after graduating from a Masters last year I got an entry level job in Higher Education in HR, work has been stressful recently, they are standardising processes and not replacing staff, I was told if I didn't pick up pace I would go down informal review, which I know think is just part of the bigger picture. I work 4 days a week, sit in traffic nearly 2 hours a day, my children are picked up last at ASC. We have little money and their fathers pay absolute minimum and never contribute towards school trips/extra curricular activities/don't spilt school term holidays (I was with DS1 dad for 7 years, Ds2 for 3.5).

DS1 told me, not for the first time, he wants to live with his dad and his wife (no other children) , but he's worried about changing schools, he also said, more hurtfully so that he gets talked and listened to at his dad's. I can see now, I am so stressed with the weight of responsibility, finances, sitting in traffic, Ds2 behaviour, worrying about everything, not being able to sleep that I am not a happy mummy. DS1 is worried and stressed and sad and probably feels alone, and I want to help him. Every fibre of my being does not want him to leave, when it is just he and I we feel so much better so I can understand the pull for it to be just he and his dad. They have two FT incomes also, where as I have to constantly worry about money. His dad does not like me and is always rude and has threatened me with stopping maintenance a few times, but I am so confused and overwhelmed and don't know how to help DS1. Should he live with his dad where he may be happier?

OP posts:
MaybeitsMaybelline · 04/11/2019 07:08

I don’t think his dad would have him either, and for bare minimum maintenance with no extras towards school trips? And you giving him a list of the dates you can see your DS. In other words a complete role reversal.

Not a chance.

Original poster
FirTree31 · 04/11/2019 07:15

Thank you everyone. Okay so to summerise the points I need help with/I'm finding difficult :

  • Ds2 had awful time at nursery, I was told it was the worst behaviour they had ever seen and at one point they said he could not come back, school has been much better, some behavior but nothing too bad, however at home he hits, punches, squeezes, kicks, scratches DS1 and I. He is night and day, either an angel or awful. I will go back to the GP about this too.
  • Ds2 dad does sees him every weekend, one weekend has him two nights, other weekend one night.
-DS1 dad is rude about me. -work is stressful, not because I'm not capable, it's more the atmosphere and culture and of course sitting in traffic and lower wages. Having to change hours to accommodate worse traffic so less money, being restricted in working hours. -I've suffered from MH issues so I'm prone to stress. -being in difficult circumstances and having completely unsupportive father's who berate me instead of helping. -Ds2 finding all the above very stressful
OP posts:
Original poster
FirTree31 · 04/11/2019 07:18

Just wrote out the above more for me! £40 a week is what he decided, I tried to go to the CMS but ex threatened he'd stop all maintenance I'm front of our son shouted at me then slammed my car door

OP posts:
HugeAckmansWife · 04/11/2019 07:19

I agree that if you called the dads bluff on this he'd refuse. If your son knew that, he'd be terribly hurt. I think step one is too look for a different childcare option. Mine were ar a childm9nders after school, a domestic home wherr they got a snack, cudddles, could zone out on a sofa or nap or whatever. She also gave them dinner. It meant when i picked them up theyd been in a 'home' environment for 3 hours rarher than still at school. It also meant i only had to sort bath and supper so we had more time together. It might lessen the stress of the daily grind. Ultimately it sounds like going to his dad's is a non starter so other things need to change. I wish you every luck and hugely empathise as a full time working single parent. Its bloody hard but dont doubt yourself. You are doing youre absolute best.

Kpo58 · 04/11/2019 07:21

Don't let your son live with him. He sounds like the type of person who will poison his mind against you and won't allow your son to visit you.

Original poster
FirTree31 · 04/11/2019 07:24

3 times a week doing thirty minutes in the evening sounds like a really good idea Brew

OP posts:
cafenoirbiscuit · 04/11/2019 07:28

I suspect IF your ex took your son (and it is an if) he’d make it very difficult for you to see him, you’d be let with yet another long journey to collect and return him and limited control of dates.

Ask for help at school.

Maybe look for a job in a school - term-time hours, holidays off, apply for benefits if you need to, to supplement your income.
Be kind to yourself - you’re doing the best you can 😊

MaybeDoctor · 04/11/2019 07:28

No, honestly, don't do it. It would be such a rash step to take for what is just a bad patch.

I don't think your son is really saying that he would prefer to be at his dad's house. What he is saying is that he wants things to be different at home and to get more of that space and attention.

I think your priorities are to change jobs ASAP. As an entry-level HR job there must be something closer and easier to get to. Plus you are going in with a bit of experience now, so get applying!

Speak to your older son's teacher as a matter of priority. When I was teaching it wasn't unusual to have parents coming to me with concerns about their child's emotions - there might be something s/he can provide for him within school like 1-1 time with a TA, or another service s/he can access.

Look for stories that you can read together about changing families/going through tough times etc. Even if they are picture books for slightly younger children he will still enjoy them and the themes will resonate with him.

I am in a rush so this link is not quite right, but it might lead to something helpful:
www.booktrust.org.uk/news-and-features/features/2019/july/boys-do-cry-how-books-could-help-young-boys-to-express-their-emotions/

I think you need to try to get some 1-1 space with your older child. Can you get additional childcare for DS2 one day?

linentowel · 04/11/2019 07:33

Fight for your son. Talk to him and tell him you find it hard but want it to work. He needs to know that somehow he can tell you when things are bad and you will listen.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 04/11/2019 07:34

You need to check what your cms payment would be. You cannot guarantee that he would honour the 40 per week once he sees how much it will actually cost him.

Get onto the online calculator now.

MyOtherProfile · 04/11/2019 07:37

Go through CMS. He might threaten to stop all money if you do but that's the point of CMS - to make sure CFs like him pay the right amount and don't rob their kids.

Original poster
FirTree31 · 04/11/2019 07:38

DS2 has returned minus his school trousers as his dad has thrown them away because there was a hole in the knee. I have more so its okay, but he's just thrown them away, hasn't replaced them, hasn't said anything to me, just chucked.

OP posts:
Original poster
FirTree31 · 04/11/2019 07:40

Ex threatened me I think, because he was doing other work on the side, CMS came back saying he only earns xyz so will pay you less, but my ex literally had his own van for plumbing as well as his job. But it would have been down to me to prove and I couldn't take that on.

OP posts:
81Byerley · 04/11/2019 07:42

Please don't. He needs to know you love him. Obviously you do, but he may think you don't if you are willing to give him up so easily.

stucknoue · 04/11/2019 07:46

Have you spoken to your ex about this, he may not want him??? But if dad does want him you could agree to trial for this year/to the end of primary and look for a secondary school he can access from both parents

Quartz2208 · 04/11/2019 07:49

No you shouldn’t he is just telling you he is unhappy with things at the moment
First off your job and commute sound awful maybe change that
DS2 is getting help now so that might help as well it’s sounds awful
And go via CMS can you really get less

Tell him you love him that he is your son and he isn’t going anywhere and you will work through it together. That I suspect is what he wants to jear

ObtuseTriangle · 04/11/2019 07:50

I am another one who thinks ex is all talk and won't really step up for your son. I think he is probably enjoying and encouraging your son's negative feelings as it makes him feel better about being a shit parent.

I think you need to get proper CM sorted which will hopefully alleviate some of the money stress.

It sounds like there is some time where DS2 is with his dad and you and DS1 have some time together. I would make this a priority and do some really nice things together. Is it possible to make the weekends you have each boy are separate. They will still each other through the week and it doesn't have to be forever but it might give DS1 enough respite to be able to cope with DB the other times. I really hope you are able to find another job with less of a commute as ASC seems stressful for you all.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 04/11/2019 07:56

I wouldn't, purely because from what you've described your ex doesn't sound come across as a loving and caring parent.

I;'ve been through similar and it was not in DCs best interest.

theWarOnPeace · 04/11/2019 07:58

I think you’re extremely stressed, and can’t see the wood for the trees. Your problems are intense, but could be very short term, and sending your DS to live with his bastard of a dad will have repercussions that will last a lifetime. I don’t know the whole situation, obviously, but reading your post, you’d be bereft if your son went. I think he needs more from you, rather than him actually genuinely wanting to go to his dad.

Do you have a thread on here about DS2? People have amazing strategies and advice for behavioural stuff. Be clear and honest and you’ll get lots of support there.

Re your job, as you said it’s entry level, which is nearly always shit - but you won’t be at entry level forever! It’s extra shit because most post-grad type jobs are for typically gone for by young people who have just left uni, not so many responsibilities under their belts. I was in the same position once, I’d paid my work dues by doing the entry-level jobs in my late teens and working my way up, then went to uni in later years and somehow was back at the bottom rung again when applying for jobs in my thirties! It’s extremely frustrating and for you compounded by having so much going on.

I think each problem needs to be unpicked at a time, step by step, the first priority is getting even half an hour extra time with DS1 and having an honest conversation with him. Tell him you want him to be happy and how much you love him, but explain how difficult it is just for now. He is old enough to understand what it means for things to be difficult but not permanent. This will one day be something you look back at and realise had been a good lesson for him, the perseverance you show him now will be something he ultimately becomes proud of and will understand more deeply.

It’s all a bit shit and difficult right now, but as pp has said it’s a rough patch, not your whole life. Keep talking things through on here, we’ll al hold your hand through it.

Babybluesornormal · 04/11/2019 07:59

Is your ex employed or self employed? If he is employed and stops paying them CMS will take it from his pay before he even gets its. I think it’s time to go to CMS.

Boysey45 · 04/11/2019 08:08

I think I would tell your son as well that it would be very unlikely that his Dad would have him full time.If he only has him a few nights a month its a joke to think he will have him full time.
I think a 9 year old will be able to understand this.
Its not fair on you either that hes bringing this up all the time.

helpmum2003 · 04/11/2019 08:25

You sound so stressed and I'm sorry you're in this situation.

Personally I wouldn't; if ds1 dad doesn't want more contact time why would he want him full time? I suspect he's just trying to control you. I wouldn't want my child living with him.

I think the childminder idea is a good one, a more relaxing environment for the kids and possibly cheaper.

I assume you did a Master's to increase earnings potential? Has it increased your salary?

VulcanRay · 04/11/2019 08:26

If the court was being asked to make this decision they would of course take into account DS’ wishes and feelings, however they would also look at this in the context of his age and understanding. At only 9 and in the context of an acutely stressful situation it is highly unlikely they would change his living arrangements on the basis of his request alone, he doesn’t yet have the cognitive ability to make such drastic, and potentially detrimental decisions about his long term welfare. The court would also consider:

  • The sibling relationship. This sounds very fraught now but the court generally takes the view that sibling relationships are some of the most enduring and important relationships in our life time and that they should only be separated as a last resort
  • The parenting capacity of the other parent. It sounds to me like your ex is not a committed co-parent and he is already causing your child harm by badmouthing you. If he’s not able to pull his weight on a practical or emotional level for the few days he has DS then it’s unlikely he’ll be able to manage it full time.

OP it sounds to me like you’re a switched into, hard working parent who is going through a real rough patch. It happens. You’re doing a great job and you and your boys will survive this, together.

VulcanRay · 04/11/2019 08:27

*switched on

Whitleyboy · 04/11/2019 08:28

I'm going to go against the grain here. Most responses have been about helping you by sorting out finances (increased maintenance, changing job) but this still doesn't address DS's needs. His younger sibling's behaviour is what is causing problems which in turn means his needs are being neglected.

"DS1 told me, not for the first time, he wants to live with his dad and his wife (no other children)"
"he also said, more hurtfully so that he gets talked and listened to at his dad's"
Some responses are critical of his dad's behaviour but your son feels he gets talked to and listened to there. That doesn't indicate the crap father other posters are assuming. Your son isn't trying to hurt you when saying this - he's desperate for you to talk to him and listen to him and spend time with him. It isn't fair for your son's needs to be neglected. Your youngest son's behavioural difficulties are ruining his life. It isn't your fault, you are going your best in a bad situation but your older son's needs are not being met.

'DS1 is worried and stressed and sad and probably feels alone, and I want to help him. Every fibre of my being does not want him to leave, when it is just he and I we feel so much better so I can understand the pull for it to be just he and his dad."
I think that, unless you can get more help for your youngest child (including his DF having him for longer - can his father have him 50:50 do that you have more time just for DS1?) then the greatest love you could show DS1 is to let him live with his DF and DSM in order to receive the attention he craves and deserves.