How long could it take to die? (sensitive)

[Uncertain85]

Name change as this could be outing if you read my other posts. Anyway bit of a sensitive post. I hope this isn’t an awful thing to ask but would really appreciate some support. My FIL has had cancer for two years and has had several rounds of various treatments. His options have now run out and has been in and out of hospital over the last few weeks. Just last week he went into a hospice. I’m asking how long it could be until he passes? We visited him today and he was sitting up in his chair chatting away quite happily. He looks quite weak and pale. I guess I’d just like to hear others stories if it’s not too hard to share. It’s absolutely heartbreaking seeing my DH upset and seeing FIL so up and down is devastating. I feel I need to prepare myself for what is inevitably going to happen. He’s in pain and they are struggling to manage his sickness. I know every patient is different but could this up and downess go on for a long time? I’m fortunate enough to have never lost an immediate family member and just trying to prepare myself and DH for what we know is going to come. Sorry this is a bit of a ramble.

Having worked in healthcare, I think you can’t put a time on these things. I’ve known people who have been told they’ve only got 3 months left to still be going nearly a year later.

Obviously it's different for everyone- but I would say prepare for the decline to be precipitous - my mother was able to talk a couple of days before but in the end she was on a lot of morphine and was out of it. I would say take each day as if it could be the last and try and enjoy the time you do have together. The only thing I do regret is that she had so many visitors near the end and she just ended up so tired - I think a lot of people come for them rather than it necessarily being the best for the person who is dying? But again everyone will want different things.

My friend's dad was told a few months, lived for a further 7 years.

I think it’s probably impossible for anyone to say from the information you’ve given. The hospice staff will probably have a good idea though, they’ve always been right about how long was left when I’ve had family members die in the hospice. They’ll be happy to have a chat to your husband about it and give him an idea I’m sure.
Also, unless it’s for respite, my understanding is that people don’t usually go into a hospice until they are only weeks away from dying.
I’m sorry your going through this, it’s horrible to watch someone get weaker and weaker.

I agree, it's very difficult to put a time on things like this. My mum was diagnosed with cancer and was given 6-8 weeks left to live. She eventually passed away almost four years later. However, she responded well to some of the treatments etc.

I'm so sorry, you do have a difficult journey ahead but I take comfort now knowing my mum isn't in pain anymore or having to endure side effects of different treatments. Just be there, that's all you can do, but remember to take time for yourselves too. It's not selfish to put yourselves first occasionally and it is likely what his dad would want too. Massive hug x

What a dreadful time. I suspect it depends on the hospice and the demand for their care. Friend's mother had terminal cancer and she was told that the hospice could only take her mother for the final 2 weeks (No indication of how they would know when she had reached that point). In the event she died before being admitted to the hospice. I hope the end is peaceful for your FIL

It depends what he is in the hospice for - is it respite or end of life care (making your Fil comfortable as he can be.)

I was also told the hospice was for "end of life" care and that meant a week or so. (With the exception that hospices are also used for respite and pain management).

DSis was very ill and I was told it would be be a matter of days. She was semi conscious and didn't speak much sense. Miraculously, she said she wanted to get out of bed and into a chair. We spent a lovely day planning her birthday, booking a restaurant, inviting friends. It really seemed she was getting better. She died four days later.

I have several friends who work in end of life care and they tell me this is very typical. There's a last surge of energy before the final decline. I do feel it was a very special privilege to have sat with her on her final days.

Wishing your family strength and peace

This is really sad - sending love and strength to you and DH. My ddad died from cancer earlier this year. His initial decline was v quick and then he was admitted to hospital. We requested he was transferred to a hospice but they said that was only for last 2-3 weeks of life, so he went to a care home....but died 4 weeks later. He was able to sit up and talk when he was first admitted to the home, but got an infection and deteriorated v quickly. He was unable to move, speak or respond in any way for about the last 4 days. 😢😢😢

The hospice staff are there to support you as well as your FiL so it's worth asking them. As the pain increases so does the morphine. And that means that your FiL will spend more and more time asleep. As others have said, the decline can be very rapid. Maybe the most important thing is to say everything that you want to say to your FiL and to continue talking to him throughout. I hope it's a peaceful death OP.

Originally got told a few years with her rapid decline of her dementia. Then they found inoperable cancer while trying to sort her jaundice out. Got told 9 months. I think she died soon after the 9 months. I didn't pay too much attention ad I was also pregnant. She died 2 hours before I gave birth.

If he is in a hospice, it will be soon - unless he’s there for respite care? Hospice stats are no longer than two weeks for end of life care.

I’m sorry.

I've only got anecdotal experience but I'd say it's really hard to guess. My dad was 10 months into his predicted 12 months, the chemo had done all it could and there were no further options but he was feeling relatively good and wanted to go back to work. He went into hospital for a relatively minor complication, and suddenly went rapidly downhill and died within a few weeks. It seemed as though what looked like a relatively minor problem was a sign of his body saying "I'm done."

It’s really impossible to say. Life is so strange and unpredictable.

I’m going through it now with my father - he had cancer 25 years ago, and a recent-ish scan while he was in hospital for an infection showed it was back and had metastasised widely.

The consultant told us he had weeks left, but he’s home now 2.5 months on and still doesn’t seem too ‘ill’. He’s lucid at least.

I agree re the hospice. If he is there for palliative care then it will almost certainly be under two weeks. (respite different, as pps have said).
I am very sorry OP.
In my experience the staff will have a very good idea of how long. MacMillan are also wonderful and will answer any questions frankly and kindly.

My mom wAs told 6 months to a year and lasted 2. She had a very rare form of cancer. The one thing they were correct about is that when things finally got really bad it would be fast, less than 3 weeks. For that we were grateful.

My goddaughters grandfather had the last rites in 2012 in hospital after his 5th heart attack, last year he was dancing at her wedding and I'm talking Dashing White Sergeant, Eightsome Reels etc.

I think it varies enormously, but hospices specialise in end of life care, so presumably they think he has weeks or months, not years.

Hospices are wonderful places. They know about pain management and about the emotional needs of people who are dying and their loved ones. It is a much better place to be than bouncing in and out of hospital. I know this is a really hard time, but try to help your DH treasure it.

With the hospice, once sent from hospital, our experience has been fairly soon. My grandmother passed from throat cancer within four days of being transferred from hospital (where she was for 72 hour while they located a bed). That morning she was talking to us, had a couple of naps, then after lunch had a quick coughing fit (like a tickly cough) and went very quickly and peacefully mid cough.

Sympathies to you and your family. An old mate of mine recently died - he had cancer and was going to have chemo, then he couldn't have the chemo because his liver couldn't cope, then he went into a hospice because he was 'finding it hard to do everyday things', then he was gone.It can be fast, or there can be a rallying, which can last a while. I'd suggest making sure you have said and done all the stuff that's important (whether that's legal things or making sure he knows how much he was loved).

Six months max for a hospice. But generally it’s the last couple of weeks.

Having been through this very recently myself with a very close relative. They said they may not survive the journey to the hospice and was very poorly when they got there.
They picked up slightly including some talking although weak. But didn't speak at all the last 2-3 days (lasting 9/10 days total in hospice before they died)

I found the not knowing very very hard and couldn't believe they could be any sicker or hang on any longer but they did.

The hospice were wonderful to us both.

Feel free to PM me if I can answer any questions.

My brother was diagnosed with cancer and given palliative care in late July this year.

We were told anything from a couple of weeks to a couple of months.

He was sent home from hospital with support from the community palliative care team. His condition worsened and he was admitted to a hospice. We expected that to mean the end. However his condition stabilised and he was transferred to a care home providing palliative care. He died in early October so just over the two months initially suggested.

He was pretty with it until the last week when he was mostly asleep.

So many factors such as age and general health, my fil had diabetes and had a stroke which hid the cancer for a long time and and so 6 weeks from diagnosis to death. Basically when they are asleep more than awake the end is days away, when the hospice gives regular doses of morphine and the stronger drug fentinelle then it’s hours away

Hi OP, no one knows. My sis was given prognosis of 3-6 months and she was tough so we were thinking a yeae. Any way she died within 16 days.
I've had clients who have had same and it was a accurate predictions and some who have lasted far longer.
You can tell when someone is dying with only a week or a few days left , as they go v pale and struggle to breathe and are in pain. Nurses and family can spot that. Don't think about hoekong, think about how good and what can we fit in that they'll love 💘, once you get to end stages, you'll know