How long could it take to die? (sensitive)

[Uncertain85]

Name change as this could be outing if you read my other posts. Anyway bit of a sensitive post. I hope this isn’t an awful thing to ask but would really appreciate some support. My FIL has had cancer for two years and has had several rounds of various treatments. His options have now run out and has been in and out of hospital over the last few weeks. Just last week he went into a hospice. I’m asking how long it could be until he passes? We visited him today and he was sitting up in his chair chatting away quite happily. He looks quite weak and pale. I guess I’d just like to hear others stories if it’s not too hard to share. It’s absolutely heartbreaking seeing my DH upset and seeing FIL so up and down is devastating. I feel I need to prepare myself for what is inevitably going to happen. He’s in pain and they are struggling to manage his sickness. I know every patient is different but could this up and downess go on for a long time? I’m fortunate enough to have never lost an immediate family member and just trying to prepare myself and DH for what we know is going to come. Sorry this is a bit of a ramble.

Just to add, there were a few times when we thought it was the end but then he would bounce back.

My mum went into a hospice on a Friday morning and died on the Monday afternoon. She had stopped talking and eating by the time she went in though. I think it's really hard to predict as everyone is different.

My MIL should have been receiving palliative care in a hospice in my opinion rather than staying at home (whole other story) but she went from the condition you have described your relative is in to dying in about two weeks. She defied a lot of the doctors and we still don’t know how she stayed alive for that final week as she’d had no food or drink and was dosed up on Morphine.
for you, OP.

If someone deteriorates by the month, they tend to have months left to live. If they deteriorate by the week, they normally have weeks to live and same again with days. If he has moved into the hospice permanently (rather than for respite), I would have thought you’re talking a few weeks but the only ones who will really know are the staff. I understand your need to know even if it does seem a bit morbid, as I felt exactly the same.

The hospice my friend died in said the average time people stayed in their hospice was two weeks. Obviously some were only there for respite. My friend was referred there by the hospital that was treating her, and while I didn't think that she was so close to dying when she arrived there, she was there 2.5 weeks. The hospice was amazing though, I'm so glad she went.

Wishing you strength and love - cherish every moment you can.

My grandad went into a hospice when our GP said he was at the end of his life and all of his medication was withdrawn (he had suffered a brain haemorrhage and multiple strokes). We was told the average length of stay was two weeks. After two weeks, he came home, bedbound, unable to speak or feed himself. He had carers coming in three times a day. He lived for another 8 painful years, with no quality of life, tube fed and completely locked in. So I know this is different as not cancer, but I really don't think anyone could tell you how long. All I can say is the care he received in the hospice was amazing, and I wished he had slipped away there as he looked so settled there, nothing like how he looked in the end at home.

I spent 8 days beside my MIL 24/7 she was clearly close to death. My DM was sitting drinking tea and laughing, she went out like a light. You just never know.

Hope he’s at peace soon

IME the most reliable answer is longer than you think.

Be warned that the strain of repeated false alarms can be horrific for family.

I know two people who were sent to our local hospice with 48 hours who live, or at any rate aren't dead, five years later.

No one's wishing them dead, but you are wishing them free of suffering, and there's only one cure for that in their condition. It's horrible OP, stay strong

At this stage, it sounds like end of life care. It could be worth speaking with the hospice staff and asking their opinion?
My Dad had all treatment withdrawn but stayed in hospital (he was happy and settled there) and he passed away about 2.5 weeks later. It was almost as if he had given up and declined quickly. We were fortunate that he managed to hang on long enough for us to get my brother in the forces home from Bahrain. Best advice would be take photos in for him to look at, music is good as well for when he gets sleepy and ask him if he would like anything. My Dad throughly enjoyed chocolate buttons and mcflurrys.
Really sorry to hear about your FIL x

OP, I am sorry for your family's impending loss

I can only offer my own experience. We lost mum last year, in fact yesterday was the first anniversary of our loss.

3 weeks before she died, she was happy and chatting to me on my birthday, a significant one. She pretty much went downhill quickly after that, and for the last week wasn't really with us, although I sat with her and talked a lot, especially that last night before she passed. It was peaceful. But really, we had no way of predicting.