How long could it take to die? (sensitive)

[Uncertain85]

Name change as this could be outing if you read my other posts. Anyway bit of a sensitive post. I hope this isn’t an awful thing to ask but would really appreciate some support. My FIL has had cancer for two years and has had several rounds of various treatments. His options have now run out and has been in and out of hospital over the last few weeks. Just last week he went into a hospice. I’m asking how long it could be until he passes? We visited him today and he was sitting up in his chair chatting away quite happily. He looks quite weak and pale. I guess I’d just like to hear others stories if it’s not too hard to share. It’s absolutely heartbreaking seeing my DH upset and seeing FIL so up and down is devastating. I feel I need to prepare myself for what is inevitably going to happen. He’s in pain and they are struggling to manage his sickness. I know every patient is different but could this up and downess go on for a long time? I’m fortunate enough to have never lost an immediate family member and just trying to prepare myself and DH for what we know is going to come. Sorry this is a bit of a ramble.

We were told my dad had 6-8 weeks. He lived for another 6months. There really is no way of knowing. My dad was chatting, eating and watching tv the day before he passed away so I found it a bit of a shock.

DH’s friend with cancer was in the hospice for 3 months and was quite well for a lot of it.

My mum who had cancer was chatting to me at home at 3pm one afternoon but was taken to hospital early the next morning and died at 11am.

Everyone is different.

I could have written this earlier this year op when my fil passed away. As someone else has mentioned up thread at first the decline was quite slow but then the last week he went down hill very quickly. U think he was in the hospice for about 3 weeks perhaps and able to set and chat and go out in the gardens for perhaps the first 2. It was such as tough time I really do send you virtual hugs..

With my mom, it was about a month after entering hospice care. She would deteriorate, then plateau, then deteriorate a little more. It really was agonizing.

My Dad turned quite inward the last two weeks then struggled to eat then struggled to drink as he was nauseous. Looking back it was clear but it's impossible to know.

PPs have said the decline can be slow then rapid at the very end. When they're more or less out of it on morphine plus no liquid it's about 3-4 days I'd say. But I'm sure someone else will have found different.

People dont just go into a hospice to die.in fact a very large number go in for respite or to get their medication right or lots of other reasons

DF died 3 days ago
Bladder cancer 23 years ago
Bowel cancer 5/6 years ago
Stroke 1 year ago
Heart problems in between
He died peacefully in his sleep at 93 his organs just started to shut down
Whilst I’m grieving I can appreciate and want to live a long fulfilled life and then just drift off.........

There's no way of knowing, it can be quite fast, days/weeks rather than months but every one is an individual. There's people who live a year or more after treatment is stopped. My friend is now 2 years on from his last surgery and he isn't on any treatment, he had been given 6 months 2 years ago, but on the other end of the scale I know people who only last a few days.

Think of you through this tough time

When my mum died from dementia, we were told she only had days left. She lastest 2months.
In her final days she was sleeping most of the time she told us her mother was there and all her siblings. My sister told her to go with them. She passed away peacefully 20mins later.

I am in exactly same situation. My brother was diagnosed 2 years ago with a brain tumor and has done amazingly to survive this long but last week was admitted to hospice having not eaten or drunken anything for 4 days. He perked up on arrival but is not able to speak and also uncomfortable and they were not giving him pain relief as he was saying no but he is confused and hallucinating. It is a horrible waiting game now and still I can do is hold his hand, rub his back and sing to him. xx

‘People dont just go into a hospice to die.in fact a very large number go in for respite or to get their medication right or lots of other reasons’

I was surprised to find out that 50% patients in hospice care - in our area- are there for symptom management e.g. pain management. I was told this a couple of weeks ago by an eminent NHS palliative care consultant.

Now your father in law is in a hospice you can be sure that the staff will do everything possible to ensure he is without pain and is comfortable. That is a comfort.

Nobody can ever tell how long somebody will go on living, they may give indications such as months rather than years or weeks rather than months but cannot be precise.

Sad business but hospices are marvellous places.

Thank you all so much for sharing your stories. I really appreciate your kind words. I’m so sorry to hear you have all gone through or are going through such heartache. FIL is in for palliative care as his pain was not being controlled at home. He would still like to come home I think though. What’s going through his head right now is just unimaginable.

I’m very sorry to read your story OP, I know exactly how your DH is feeling as I went through it with my mum last year. End of life care and the dying process all varies patient to patient. Unfortunately there is little resources available to loved ones about how to watch someone die and what to expect.

I was completely blindsided by the experience as I am sure your DH and you will be. I always wondered why the nurses at the hospital my mum was in kept telling me and my family to look after ourselves and get rest as much as you can. Mums final week was round the clock bedside waiting for the inevitable to happen. It was exhausting physically and mentally you really do have to make sure you care for yourself.

So priority number one is look after yourselves, your FIL is coming to the end of his ordeal and the medical professionals and hospice staff will ensure he is stable and pain free, let the burden of care fall to them. Once they stop hydration and feeding then it’s simply a waiting game, it’s a surreal experience, those hours sat in the room by mum watching her die truly felt like I was in Hell itself. Ask lots of questions to the staff, raise any concerns you have, ask for my pain relief and sedation if necessary, they will be as accommodating as possible so do not hold back.

The final breath was a very serene calm moment and within seconds the empty shell on the hospital bed was no longer my mum, so take comfort in knowing that death is really just a step we take into another place wherever you believe that to be.

The relief after the suffering was over was joyous, it was like quenching a thirst you’ve had for days. It’s a shit situation to be in but so many are going through exactly the same as you right now. Please tell your DH to look after himself and that everything will be alright.

Obviously every situation is different but you say they are having difficulty controlling his pain. At this stage the morphine would normally be increased, which as a respiratory depressant so you could be looking at a few days to a few months. You have to take one day at a time and take the lead from the staff who are very experienced at judging this sort of thing. Bless you.

I've seen people pass in a matter of hours after being awake and alert, people pass in days and people pass in weeks. More so weeks if I'm honest but that may just be a coincidence. The hospice will ensure he's in no pain and kept comfortable although it can be very difficult to watch as time passes and the body fights to live when there really isn't anyone left in it. The body really can be very stubborn! I hope this time passes as peacefully as it can.

Also, unless it’s for respite, my understanding is that people don’t usually go into a hospice until they are only weeks away from dying.

Not necessarily. It sounds as though OP’s FIL is in the hospice for symptom control at this point. She said they’re trying to get on top of his pain and sickness.

As an RN who spends time with EOLC every day I can still say that determining when someone will die is impossible to predict . My advice is to spend as much time as possible with your loved one and remember that hearing is the last sense to go. Just try and talk about memories etc and not talk about your relative in the same room to other people.X

You can tell when someone is dying with only a week or a few days left , as they go v pale and struggle to breathe and are in pain.

Oh for goodness sake. I wish people wouldn’t make sweeping statements like this. Everyone’s death is individual. Not everyone struggles to breath or experiences pain. Some deaths are gentle and the dying person just sleeps peacefully away with no pain or struggle.

Also, it’s a common myth that people go into a hospice and die within a short space of time. Hospices do so much more than providing care at the very end of life. Much of their work is about symptom control to ensure quality of life or in providing respite care.

It's a horrible time to go through and no one can give the exact time frame. However, the best advice I was given is this. If the symptoms of decline are on a monthly basis then time left is in months. If decline is shown week by week then only weeks left and if deterioration is on a daily basis then it's only days. Hope that makes sense. Make the most of the time that is left.

Thank you everyone

My DF had cancer. He walked into the hospice in mid July this year for pain management and never came out. He died on 3rd August. He went downhill so very fast but it was a gentle and peaceful end to his life and the hospice staff were wonderful.

It looked like my uncle was in for months of a slow decline with lung cancer which had spread all over but basically a vessel to a tumour burst and he slipped away within a few hours. It was best for us because he was like your FIL the day before he died. There wasnt days of him sleeping and losing drastic amounts of weight. It was unexpected for sure but in hindsight, preferable.

The hospice staff will be really excellent at guiding you. They let our family know my dear MIL didn't have long left. They were right. Towards the end she was sleeping so much. One night as I said good bye I told her that we all loved her and that her son, daughter and I would look after the family and she didn't need to fight anymore. She grunted (her last ever response) and died a few hours later.

Make sure your DH says a lovely goodbye every time he goes, just in case one of them is the last time.

I wish you strength to go through this.

My grandad was having end of life care in a care home for around 3 months.