DH forgot DDs bday 2nd yr running

[Summertime2]

Feeling so irritated that for the second year in a row DH has forgotten DDs bday and himself scheduled "important" work events on that evening. So now I will have to cheer her up - she's turning 12 and was talking about us all having a family dinner - and he's being shitty with me for suggesting that he put his own daughter's birthday in his diary.

Poor DD.

He sounds like a knob
Does he always prioritise work over you?

To be fair he's now trying to rearrange (or at least says that). And clearly feels bad. It's just so alien to me that he can't remember his own child's birthday. And I get the distinct impression he wants me to make it all ok.

That’s very shitty. Can he go into work later and you all have a birthday breakfast instead - could he take her to school if he doesn’t normally do this?

I have my sons’ birthdays in my diary. Obviously I know when they are But this helps remind me to get home in time/book a later arrival into work as required.

Making sure DH doesn’t book something that clashes with his DD’s birthday should NOT be your job, OP. However, I assume his response would be “I didn’t know we were having a supper”. So maybe a note for next time to get DD’s birthday supper in the diary early. Do you have a shared family calendar in everyone’s phone?

We do a family dinner for EVERY birthday so that bit isn't the surprise. He just can't remember the date. And I'm going to have to lie to DD and tell her daddy's so sorry but he has a work thing that was out of his control when in fact he bloody arranged it!!!

How does he expect you to make it all OK? What does he want you to do build a time machine, go back 12 years and keep your legs crossed in labour for 24 hours? His a bloody idiot. I bet if his parents forgot his birthday he would be furious. He needs to fix this not you. After 12 years he should know his daughters birthday.

Urgh this makes me cringe - if DH behaved with this little consideration for our DC I think I’d leave him TBH!

DD is at a pivotal age, daddy issues don’t wear well on teen girls. I’m now 26 and rarely see my DF (despite him still being married to DM and me seeing her several times a week).

He was a thoughtless dad- I knew it. Why would I make any effort with an adult who made no effort with me as a child?

Dont you do the lying. If he cant sort it - he tells her. Dont do his dirty work for him!

And I'm going to have to lie to DD and tell her daddy's so sorry but he has a work thing that was out of his control when in fact he bloody arranged it!!!

Why?

Surely it’s up to him to explain that to her. It’s a natural consequence. Don’t enable his ‘forgetfulness’ OP

He is incapable of putting her birthday into his phone or computer and have an annual reminder? I’m sure he remembers his own bloody birthday.

Another one saying your DD is old enough now to realise that her father doesn’t give a shit about her. Don’t insult her intelligence by pretending that “Daddy had an important work thing”. She’s 12, not 2. And tbh, him prioritising work over her is the key thing that will stand out to her, it doesn’t really matter if it was out of his control or not, so the lie won’t make a difference.

Does he often prioritise work over his own family? I understand that a lot of the time it’s out of people’s hands, but I bet a lot of the time he happily books meetings during time that should be spent as a family.

I would agree that, if DH can't rearrange his work commitment, it is up to him to explain to DD why he won't be there. And do still have the celebration on her actual birthday, don't be cajoled into having it the next evening or whenever DH is free.

I even put my own birthday in my work diary.

Also - I put everything important in my work diary, even if obvious. I have a weird habit of completely compartmentalising my “home” and “work” lives so sometimes won’t necessarily match up that “Important meeting” matches up with “Need to leave on time as PIL are visiting”. I recognise this habit, however, hence putting stuff like that as a reminder in my work diary!

The fact that he’s not willing to bother putting just a simple private appointment in his Outlook calendar as “DD’s bday - family dinner” is shitty, especially as he forgot last year!

Do NOT lie to your DD

He screwed up; he has to explain to her
He has time to do so, as it presumably wasn't tonight

If he lies, that's his doing, but avoid backing up the lie with a "well, daddy's work is his business"

Why on earth would you have to lie, do you always enable him?

"And I get the distinct impression he wants me to make it all ok."
That's his job. He messed up, he fixes it.

"he's being shitty with me for suggesting that he put his own daughter's birthday in his diary."
That's - bizarre. He's forgotten it TWICE. He clearly needs a reminder. Unless - he plans to forget it next year too? I have everybody's birthday in my diary, including my own! Including deceased relatives!

I’ve got to be honest, I’m a single parent and yet sometimes have o have meetings away for my 3 DDs birthdays. Never overnight but can’t always be there early evening, we do cake and candles the day before/after and a party on the weekend.

Sometimes if you are senior you have no choice. My work pays for their food and shelter, that IS more important sadly.

Its shit he forgot, but it's even shitter that 1. He forgot again and 2. Is annoyed at your reasonable suggestion to stop it happening a third time and 3. Isn't taking responsibility for sorting it - surely he could be the one explaining himself to her?

I'm all for "honesty is the best policy" under most circumstances, but telling a 12 year old that her father forgot her birthday seems needlessly cruel. It's not about protecting him, it's about protecting her.

Forget his birthday !

Don't make it okay for him. Let him sort it out.

Doesn’t he have a digital diary? These can have an annual repeat. Not hard. Don’t smooth it over for him. He won’t learn anything. He needs to apologise to her and do something at the weekend / the following day. If he plays this right, it will be the day dad cocked up rather than him not giving a shit. She’s going to be 12 and can understand people can make stupid mistakes.

If he doesn’t want to do this and is excuse man or doesn’t get involved in the family, that is a different issue.

He’s a git. Heartless thing to do. Tell him to get his priorities right and sort it out himself

Wow that is horrible, really really horrible. Your poor DD. Sorry forgetting once but forgetting twice, that is unforgivable and I would not be lying for him. No way.