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AIBU?

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Original poster

To go against SS recomendations

53 replies

wherewithallwithout · 03/11/2019 15:54

I posted this in parenting but didn't get any response so I thought I would post here for a bit more traffic.

Have name changed as v outing.

Trying to keep a long story short without drip feeding.

My ex took me to court a few years ago as I refused 50/50 contact and maintained that my daughter (5 at the time, 8 now) was better off with me more in term time as it is more settling for her. I won the case and the court ordered 5/14 which I thought worked v well.

I have suffered from mental health problems since a teen. After the court case and subsequent break down of a relationship with my ex they got progressively worse and I was unable to get my daughter to school on time and unable to leave the house due to panic attacks. My new partner would take her in and I would collect her but sometimes she would be waiting a while as I was unable to leave the house.

I made consistent errors around time keeping as I found myself falling further and further down a deep dark hole, social services became involved, and then my partner left me. I let my daughter down and my ex had to step in and look after her full time over the summer as I had to try and recoup and recover.

Social services put DD on a child in need plan and told me that I was to engage with them. However the appointments I had to get to were impossible for me - I can barely leave the house so I was never able to make appointments on time.

Because they see me as not engaging with them they have recommended that my ex go back to court and amend the court order so that he has full custody. I am not eligible for legal aid so if I was to contest I would need to represent myself. I am looking to make a complaint against the sw as I feel they gave me no mental health support at all and I had no chance to get better.

In the last month I have found mental health support and I feel positive for the first time in years. I am confident that I can get back on track and be able to have DD 9/14 again. My ex is being supportive and letting me see her for overnights on a Saturday and a few hours in the week at the moment and I have had her for half of half term. He is adamant he will still go to court despite my progress in the last few weeks. The court date is for the beginning of December.

Am I wasting my time thinking I can contest this?

I understand that there will be a cafcass report and I'm hoping to show them that I am trying my best to get better for DD.

OP posts:
Travis1 · 03/11/2019 15:57

Honestly at the moment yes yabu. You need to put your daughter first. You admit you didn’t engage and you were letting your daughter down. It’s fantastic that you are making progress but by the time it gets to court it won’t even have been 2 months since you started to recover. Too early to take full responsibility for your daughter again.

Good luck, take the time you need to heal and know that your daughter is safe and looked after well in the meantime. Flowers

Ketomeato · 03/11/2019 15:57

I think if SS say “jump” you ask them how high.

Their first regard is for the child, not for how your mental state is. I am sorry you are unwell but this will have had a major effect on your child but you don’t reference that at all.

I think you’d be well advised to get your mental health totally sorted and only then think about a court battle.

myhandsareverycold · 03/11/2019 15:59

What are the wishes and feelings of your daughter?

stucknoue · 03/11/2019 16:04

Can I be honest. Your DD's needs must come first and she needs to attend school daily, on time and be collected on time. You need to concentrate on getting better. Having her weekends, evenings (but not sleeping over) and school hols seems like the best for your dd.

Original poster
wherewithallwithout · 03/11/2019 16:06

Thankyou for your responses.

It has been very hard for my daughter to see me 'sad', but I am making amends and ensuring when we have time together it is very good quality.

Since I have started to get better she finds it very hard to leave me as we have been having such a nice time together. She often cries for me and I find this extremely difficult.

She says she wants it to be equal between me and her daddy.

OP posts:
Booboostwo · 03/11/2019 16:08

I am sorry that you are poorly and I don’t want to pile in but you need to think about what is best for your DD. You argued that 50:50 would be unsettling for her but then were unable to look after her and left your new partner to pick up the pieces, a guy who has now walked out of her life.

It does sound like your DD would be much more settled staying with her dad and seeing you as and when you can. Your ex is not obstructing contact, you say that you already see your DD twice a week. Help your Dd by helping her dad take care of her. When you feel better maybe you can gradually increase contact.

Booboostwo · 03/11/2019 16:09

Sorry, cross posted with your update. It’s normal that your DD would be very upset by all this and by thinking that she is leaving you when you need her BUT it’s not her job to look after you. You must reassure her that the current arrangement works and support her in remaining settled with her dad.

GruciusMalfoy · 03/11/2019 16:10

I'm so sorry that you fund yourself in this position, but I think you gave to look back to your first court proceedings and look at what leaves DD more settled at present. If you are still in the early stages of recovery is it wise to take on the majority of DD's care again? Can you absolutely guarantee you can get her to and from school or any clubs she has?

sauvignonblancplz · 03/11/2019 16:13

Gosh this is very difficult for you. Is your daughter being well taken care of by your ex? Is she happy generally , apart from being sad when she has to leave her mum, which is understandable?
Listen your mental health is so fragile and you should be praising yourself for your recovery and value the time you need to get better, don’t overwhelm yourself.
It sounds like your partner is being very fair , and has been a good support for you despite your differences in custody previously.
Your daughter needs stability, keep doing what your doing, focus on your recovery and support you partner as he is the primary care giver at present.
Ask yourself what made you fight so hard for full custody before? Your ex is just doing the same.
Stay positive when leaving your daughter , she will follow your lead.

magpiebadger · 03/11/2019 16:16

SS are not a supportive hand holding establishment.

Jeezoh · 03/11/2019 16:17

If your daughter wants equal time and your ex is being supportive, I wouldn’t contest it and just concentrate your energies on getting better so she has two stable environments to grow up in xx

tttigress · 03/11/2019 16:18

Sorry bro here that, but it sounds like your ex is being more than reasonable

Original poster
wherewithallwithout · 03/11/2019 16:21

Thankyou very much everyone.

I take all of your comments on board and you all make a lot of sense.

This is very difficult to come to terms with but I will do it for her.

OP posts:
Reallybadidea · 03/11/2019 16:23

For your own sake I would consider getting this moved to the Legal topic. AIBU can be brutal and you may get more supportive, and accurate, advice on that part of the site.

Imtootired · 03/11/2019 16:25

If your ex has been supportive then I would say it’s much better to sort it out between the two of you rather than go back to court and see if he’ll let you slowly have more time with her again. Otherwise you’re wasting time and money and stress for no reason

Perunatop · 03/11/2019 16:37

SWs have to prioritise the child's needs and that appears to be what they did, so I think making a complaint would be unreasonable. If your MH problems meant you were unable to care adequately for your DC (which seems to be what happened) you may find it difficult to convince SWs or a court that this won't happen again. Other posters have made sensible suggestions about negotiating with your ex, and putting your child's needs above your own.

meow1989 · 03/11/2019 16:42

I'm so sorry that you're struggling but social services are putting your daughters needs first and theres a degree of risk if they stepped back to let you have a go as what if you find it difficult again? This time without the support of a partner.

You need to focus on being well in order to be able to look after your daughter properly.

Serin · 03/11/2019 16:44

Sorry that you are going through this OP.
Your DD knows who her mummy is and you are in this for the long term not just the cute school age years.
When she is older she will know how much you sacrificed so that she had the best possible care growing up.
Continue to work with your ExH and SS and congratulate yourself for 1. Getting better and 2. Putting her first.

Autumnfields · 03/11/2019 16:44

Yes if you can ask to come to some agreement through mediation and SS and show what is in the best interests of your daughter then that might be better than court.

However this needs you to be honest. Brutally honest with yourself. If my ex had let my child down and I could have done a better job but they barred me from it, instead of asking me and seeking help, I think the trust would have gone.

You had a mental health issue, however instead of still ensuring your daughter was properly cared for you did nothing and let temporary DP do this. If you’d got Ex to take over and / or talked with some professionals about what extra support you needed whilst coping to ensure needs of DD met, then SS would probably have supported you as main parent. However you didn’t and still don’t see that in the future you may need this again.

Quartz2208 · 03/11/2019 16:45

OP it has been a month it is certainly too soon to do anything other than take it slowly

I assume that your ex was never abusive and is a good dad in which case building up slowly to 50/50 is with his agreement best. Or the 9/5 in his favour

NeverTwerkNaked · 03/11/2019 16:46

I think she is going to need to build up very slowly. And even if she says she wants 50/50 that doesn't necessarily mean that is the right thing yet. There are some good helplines out there for parents in your position, let me see if I can find them.

NeverTwerkNaked · 03/11/2019 16:47

Try this organisation: www.coram.org.uk/how-we-do-it/coram-childrens-legal-centre-upholding-childrens-rights

dontcallmeduck · 03/11/2019 16:50

You absolutely need to engage with SS. In my experience they will often take you to meetings/appointments. They will not support you with your mental health as that has to come from you, they will support you and tell you how you can access that support but it has to come from you when you are willing. At the moment your dad needs to come first, can you and ex not come to an agreement between yourselves as he sounds reasonable.

magicautumnalhues · 03/11/2019 16:51

Oh @wherewithallwithout what a sad set of goings on, I’m glad you are getting the right support now, finally, and outrageous that it has taken so long for you to get it. I agree you need better advice than non-experts can give you but remember you’ll find your way through and things will get back to a better state, whatever happens in the next little while.

gospelsinger · 03/11/2019 16:52

I think you need to make a brave decision to put your DD first. That seems to be by supporting her to be at her dads. Focus on never letting her down on the week-ends or in the holidays and maybe it can increase from there. Stay positive for her.

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