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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To go against SS recomendations

53 replies

wherewithallwithout · 03/11/2019 15:54

I posted this in parenting but didn't get any response so I thought I would post here for a bit more traffic.

Have name changed as v outing.

Trying to keep a long story short without drip feeding.

My ex took me to court a few years ago as I refused 50/50 contact and maintained that my daughter (5 at the time, 8 now) was better off with me more in term time as it is more settling for her. I won the case and the court ordered 5/14 which I thought worked v well.

I have suffered from mental health problems since a teen. After the court case and subsequent break down of a relationship with my ex they got progressively worse and I was unable to get my daughter to school on time and unable to leave the house due to panic attacks. My new partner would take her in and I would collect her but sometimes she would be waiting a while as I was unable to leave the house.

I made consistent errors around time keeping as I found myself falling further and further down a deep dark hole, social services became involved, and then my partner left me. I let my daughter down and my ex had to step in and look after her full time over the summer as I had to try and recoup and recover.

Social services put DD on a child in need plan and told me that I was to engage with them. However the appointments I had to get to were impossible for me - I can barely leave the house so I was never able to make appointments on time.

Because they see me as not engaging with them they have recommended that my ex go back to court and amend the court order so that he has full custody. I am not eligible for legal aid so if I was to contest I would need to represent myself. I am looking to make a complaint against the sw as I feel they gave me no mental health support at all and I had no chance to get better.

In the last month I have found mental health support and I feel positive for the first time in years. I am confident that I can get back on track and be able to have DD 9/14 again. My ex is being supportive and letting me see her for overnights on a Saturday and a few hours in the week at the moment and I have had her for half of half term. He is adamant he will still go to court despite my progress in the last few weeks. The court date is for the beginning of December.

Am I wasting my time thinking I can contest this?

I understand that there will be a cafcass report and I'm hoping to show them that I am trying my best to get better for DD.

OP posts:

EmmaGrundyForPM · 03/11/2019 16:52

Hi OP
You say you "can barely leave the house" which suggests that things are still very bad for you. You need to think about the effect this will have on your dd. You say you couldn't get her to school, but think you can now, and yet you are still unable to leave the house so I don't see that working.

I'm sure you love your dd very much and she loves you, but it sounds to me as though you are not necessarily putting her needs first.

Muddledfeelings · 03/11/2019 16:55

Sorry if already clear but did you communicate with SS that you couldn't attend for mental health reasons? Did you get a doctor's letter to support this? For future reference you can have a telephone appointment to arrange this at some surgeries and so no need to leave your home.

Ultimately I do think if your DD is happy with the current setup you shouldn't push it - at the end of the day this is about her and I don't mean to sound negative but mental health can be so up and down that although you feel better you really should give it time otherwise this could happen all over again.

AloeVeraLynn · 03/11/2019 16:56

It sounds like a really difficult situation for you all. From SS point of view they need to ensure your child is safe and in a stable environment where her needs are being met. Of course she will cry and miss you, you're her mum. Regardless of your mental health she still loves you. However it's probably best for her to be with her dad for the majority of the time for now. I would focus on getting fully better, making sure you can keep yourself stable consistently and continue making the time you do have with her good quality time.

JustAnotherMammi · 03/11/2019 16:57

Tricky situation. On one note, from your exes side, does he want to go against SS advice? I think generally the advice is to do whatever they say.

I think for your daughters best interests I'd be open to him having full custody and pre-arrange with ex visitation arrangements which you can both put forward. And once you've in a position of being in a better place, not feeling like you will be then as far as I'm aware you can go back to court

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 03/11/2019 16:59

I am looking to make a complaint against the sw as I feel they gave me no mental health support at all and I had no chance to get better.

I am sorry that you felt unsupported. I have suffered with mental health issues and it's a very lonely place to be so I do sympathise. But in the gentlest way possible, it is not up to a Social Worker from Children's Services to provide you with MH support. That's just not their job, they don't have the skills or the remit to provide mental health care, the most they can do is advise you to visit your own GP.

MadeForThis · 03/11/2019 17:00

Sounds like you are heading in the right direction. But don't run before you can walk.

You want to be able to be a strong safe place for your dd. You need to be 100% before you get more custody of her.

The last thing you want is to have her return home before you are ready and risk a mental health relapse.

Engage with ss. Continue to improve your mental health. Well done in getting this far. Keep putting dd first.

Lulualla · 03/11/2019 17:04

How long did it take you to seek help? Did you see your GP as soon as you started missing time deadlines and having panic attacks? Or did you wait until just a month ago when you say you got some support?

If you've only just taken action to get help, then what else wete you expecting? Of course they would recommend he go for being named primary caregiver.

I think you need to let him. Your mental health won't have turned around this quickly, and she needs stability. Your mental health cannot impact on her education, or on her just being collected from school. Let her live with him, take care of yourself and review it in a year. Maybe go for 50/50.

LellyMcKelly · 03/11/2019 17:07

Honestly, at the moment it is best for your DD to be with her father and to see you regularly. She needs stability, she needs to get to school and back on time. She needs consistency and she needs routine. Work with your ex to find the best solution for now, then as you get better you can discuss how best to proceed, but for now she needs stability.

MyDcAreMarvel · 03/11/2019 17:10

SWs have to prioritise the child's needs and that appears to be what they did
No what they should have done was arranged the meetings at home instead of putting barriers up maki g it near impossible for the op.

Span1elsRock · 03/11/2019 17:19

In the kindest way possible OP, this isn't about you. It's about your DD and what's best for her.

She may well have already been deeply traumatised as a result of your MH issues (however unintentionally), and she's better off with someone who can prioritise her needs.

My own Mum had MH issues after my Dad left and it was horrendous to live with. It's left me with my own deep seated issues, and I think you're glossing over what has already happened to her as a result of your failure to get help. Your best course of action is to carry on getting help and support, and proving that long term your MH is stable enough to undertake parenting again.

SimonJT · 03/11/2019 17:19

You need to be well yourself to parent well.

What treatment are you having for your MH?
Are you actually following the prescribed treatment you have?
Did you ask for support to have appointments at home?
Had your child received support from you to cope with losing an adult in her life (your ex partner)?

I have poor mental health, so I know it can be really hard, but as a parent I don’t have the option to neglect it. You must focus on managing your mental health, that isn’t a quick process. You then need to prove to yourself, SS and your daughters dad that you can do the school run by doing it without your daughter each day to show you can manage leaving the house etc.

Your daughter doesn’t need a mother she can live with, she needs one who is well. Not living with your child does not make you less of a parent.

makingmammaries · 03/11/2019 17:20

As PP already pointed out, if OP can barely leave the house, how is she going to get her DD to school? Sorry, OP, but focus on getting well and be thankful that your ex is helpful.

Applesanbananas · 03/11/2019 17:23

No what they should have done was arranged the meetings at home instead of putting barriers up maki g it near impossible for the op.

No because if they had done so then they wouldn't have known that the op would miss these meetings which flags up the problem further. And even if they had done so, she still missed all the school pickups.

EmmaGrundyForPM · 03/11/2019 17:45

No what they should have done was arranged the meetings at home instead of putting barriers up maki g it near impossible for the op.

Except that the OP didn't let SS know that she couldn't keep the appointments. plus if she can't leave the house then she is not best placed to care for her daughter effectively.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 03/11/2019 17:46

No what they should have done was arranged the meetings at home instead of putting barriers up maki g it near impossible for the op

What? But being unable to get to those meetings flagged the fact that she was also unable to get her daughter to school or anywhere outside of the house!

DawnOfTheDeadleg · 03/11/2019 17:48

You have done very well to make the improvements in the past month. I'd focus on consolidating them before trying to make any other changes, the priority right now is sustain and build on your progress.

OhTheRoses · 03/11/2019 17:51

What have you been doing to make yourself well enough to look after your dd.

When my dd was 17 she had missed a year of school due to her mh, eating, anxiety, dwpression and underlying that adhd. She was also self harming and camhs were doing diddly squat.

Whilst dd was in the eye of this I fractured my L1 vertebrae, badly. Five days later I was back on school runs with a smile on my face to keep her normality going. I cannot begin to describe the pain.

Who is looking after you and makingbsurebyour normality isbin check to ensure hers. Who is your advocate with mh services to make surebyou get optimum care? Are you invested in that to make sure you can provide your dd with all her emotional and physical needs?

MyDcAreMarvel · 03/11/2019 18:10

What? But being unable to get to those meetings flagged the fact that she was also unable to get her daughter to school or anywhere outside of the house!
Agoraphobia is not a reason for a child to be better of elsewhere. Ss should have arranged a taxi to transport her dd to and from school.

Supersimkin2 · 03/11/2019 18:14

Your local mental health trust will send people to see and treat you at home. SW can arrange taxis to get DD to and from school.

I rather agree with you OP - more could and should have been done to keep you and DD together, none of it difficult. The judge will know that better than you or I.

What I would say, however, is that accessing decent mental health services is bloody difficult unless you make a fuss - a court case might help you get them, not the other way round.

There's no shame in your ex having DD for a while while you get better. Lone parenthood is hard work at the best of times, and child protection systems are geared to keeping families together, not apart. Take heart.

Di11y · 04/11/2019 07:14

I'd be worried that a court case where you have to represent yourself and so much is at stake would send you back to a bad place, especially if you lost. if you informally agree to say 5/14 for now perhaps you can look again in September?

AwkwardFucker · 04/11/2019 08:40

Agoraphobia is not a reason for a child to be better of elsewhere. Ss should have arranged a taxi to transport her dd to and from school.

Where would the funds come from for that? Who in their right mind would put an 8yo alone in a taxi every day when there is a perfectly capable parent to take her to school? I’m sorry but that’s batshit.

OP, kindly, your daughter sounds like she would be better off living with her father at this point in time. But I think you know that.

PettyContractor · 04/11/2019 08:49

Agoraphobia is not a reason for a child to be better of elsewhere.

Surely it must be, if the child has two potential carers in two different homes and everything else is equal.

Wildorchidz · 04/11/2019 08:49

Ss should have arranged a taxi to transport her dd to and from school.

Put yourself in the shoes of that 8 year old. Would you want to get into a taxi to school on your own? I think she is better with her father until the op is well on the way to full health.

ffswhatnext · 04/11/2019 09:22

I can sympathise op. I had a breakdown around 2 years ago (not the first mh problem). Still haven’t recovered.
School raised concerns will ss. I understand they had to because of a minor in the house and I was slipping.

One of the first questions I was asked - have you spoke to your gp. I had, and if I didn’t it would have been suggested. And rightly so. All children services could do was write a letter to get me pushed up the list for therapy. I was also under crisis team. Yes I didn’t access them when I first hit rock bottom, it’s hard to explain how difficult it can be telling your gp. But you have to otherwise there is no support. It went in my favour that I had been proactive.

It also meant from mh services support was given to me, including getting out for appointments. Also helped there was someone independent to back me up.

Look at it from there point of view, if you cannot see them how is your child going to get to school? Ok they could arrange a cab providing they have cash, which they don’t. But even then it would be short term.

When I’ve hit rock bottom like that, it’s not just about leaving the house. It’s also little things that ss are concerned about. Self care in terms of how you go out, the emotional needs of the child(ren), even things like going out after school. And if ss could arrange cabs, she would still be in the house from 4pm - 8am (rough time) Monday to Friday. On a weekend indoors. She doesn’t get to play outside, attend mates parties etc. They have to look at the whole picture.

You have to engage with them. It might seem unfair or whatever, but they have to look at the needs of the child. We all know what happens when they turn their backs.

Work with them and they will work with you. Had you already got support with your mh, they might have signed you over to family first who would have given you support. That’s what they did with us. And because gp and mh where involved they also gave supporting letters.

It’s really too soon to think about taking her back. Mh recovery is long and hard. Since my break down I’ve had months of greatness. But there has also been months of darkness and I relapse to the beginning, which is perfectly normal. It’s part of recovery. And ss have to also consider that you won’t recover, I won’t but I have a few things I can do to help.

I would arrange something between you both. Court is extremely stressing and will bring around a relapse. Not only will you be attending - ss and all medical appointments, but also cafcass. And cafcass questions can also be personal and can set you back.

It’s normal for a child to cry when parents are split. She would have been doing it when leaving dad. I would suggest to dad that he tries and gets her support. We forget that they are also impacted regardless of where they live. If you are under mh services they also offer therapy for children/other family members.

It will also show that you are also thinking about her needs whilst you get help. And that’s how you have to start thinking what is best for her.

Someone who can continuously parent her, or someone that will be inconsistent?

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 04/11/2019 09:28

OP, what treatment are you having for your MH issues? Medication and/or therapy?

Your DD is safe and well looked after by your Ex, who is also being lovely to you.

Don’t fight SS. If you are too poorly to meet your DDs needs, there is absolutely no shame in that whatsoever.

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