AIBU to ask that we stop all this Christmas present buying?

[LoveBeingAMum555]

DH has two brothers, both married, five kids between them. When the kids were born we agreed that we would buy Christmas presents for everyone in the family - maximum £10 per adult, £15 per child. The youngest child turned 18 this year and we are still doing this.

Last Christmas I suggested that we scale back on the presents. I hardly see my nieces and nephews and the gifts bought for my sons were probably just shoved in a drawer. One of my SILs said it was fun to buy presents and having surprise presents makes Christmas special. She wanted to continue, and everyone else went along with it. I suggested some kind of secret Santa (too complicated) or family presents (too difficult).

DH thinks that it could turn into a family argument and he doesn't want that, he would rather just go along with it. We don't have a lot of money this year and I would rather give the money to my own sons. It also feels like I end up buying a load of tat, and we then receive a load of tat back and it just all feels so unnecessary.

I need perspective on this from someone outside of the family. I am seeing both SILs next week and want to raise it again.

I would just simply send a group text declaring what you are doing and leave it at that.

Hi all we’ve decided that in the interests of the environment (add whatever reasons you want) we will no longer be exchanging Christmas presents.

Or something like that

Most families have a cut off point. We stopped buying for cousins etc many years ago. In most cases everyone is relieved when someone has the guts to say "let's stop this".

I suggested this years ago to my family (8 kids in total between me and my siblings). Was told that's the fun of xmas. We never see each other. Haven't seen the nieces and nephews for 3 years but each year we do the posting of presents to each other . Total nonsense and I don't think 18-25 year olds care about a £10 voucher for some random shop (what can you physically buy them for a tenner!). I had thought about a charity gift (a guide dog, or a goat or whatever so they just get the certificate that states what their gift is and the good cause it is for, but I'll be seen as the nutty weird old aunt again.

As it’s DH’s family Is listen to him on this one .
Sounds like one SIL is against the change - at least she was last year -you don’t say what the stance of the other SIL is?

You say money is a bit tight this year and you’d rather spend what there is on your own sons which is fair enough .
Can you make life a bit simpler this year by giving your nephews say £10 each in a card - and a bottle of wine each for the two brothers and their wives ?
This would cut down on cost for a start plus avoid the footwork of shopping for essentially tat each year ? Run it past your DH and if he agrees just do it . May well be it could become the new family custom .

Yanbu.

We are only buying for children that we regularly see. You have to stop somewhere.

The difficulty is when friends buy Christmas presents for us with no prior discussion on if we are doing presents. Which keeps happening.

It’s your H’s family, just leave him to sort the presents out. I’ve never bought for my husband’s side.

We managed to stop this a few years back. Our rule has been once the nephews/nieces have left Uni and started work, they no longer need/want presents from their Aunts and Uncles. Cousins have never bought for one another.

Also, as all the brothers/sisters are well into their years, and pretty well off, they norm now is to buy a "family" present. So usually food/drink/household stuff which can be enjoyed by all the whole family unit.

Grandparents are exempted, which is a bit unfair and they are very old. There are literally dozens of grandchildren, and if they decide against money, then the Mums all have to buy for their own children and get the money back from the GP's. It all just becomes an horrendous roundabout. Oh, to add to the hassle, MIL's and FIL's all buy for one another, but again, via their children to send to the others, and claim the money back. Ugh, just make it stop (humbug).

They might come round to the idea of a secret Santa, our large family took a year or two but it works reasonably well now. One or two ignore it and buy ( tat) for everyone as well as the secret Santa but everyone else has taken it on board
Why not suggest it again and offer to administer it for a trial run?

Secret Santa does take some organising but now you are all officially adults, offer to be the one who organises it. You give everyone one name to buy for and agree the budget, which can be higher as you all only buy one thing. Means you get something decent rather than tat and everyone is released from endless present hunting!!

My family stopped when I got married give me token gifts now I'm getting divorced 😂

Do you have to do the buying? If so, then as it’s dh’s family tell him he is in charge of buying the presents as you no longer want the responsibility.

For my family, we all bring part of the food for christmas day (1 person brings dessert/cheeseboard/prepped veggies /a freshly baked ham) so no presents apart from the kids (all under 10years at the mo). But we do buy each other birthday presents.

My inlaws do the opposite, no birthday presents (just go out for a meal (but kids get b'day presents)) and we give each other them christmas presents.

This works out well for me.

We have decided to stop this year. My family is small but quite close and we all used to buy for each other - aunties, uncles, cousins. A family member is getting married next year and she sent a message to the group chat asking if we could stop this year as she is saving for her wedding.

It was a relief to be honest, as people are getting married the family is expanding! We have decided only to buy for our own children and parents. So I'm only buying for my DS, my parents and my grandad this year.

This thread reminds me of the year of my Ds's first Christmas. DH and I had been buying for his two Nephews for over 10 years prior to this.

Come Dec DH got an email/message stating exactly what the kids wanted complete with actual page and item number from the argos catalogue, each prezzie was at least £30 each.

Fast forward to the our DS's first Christmas and we got an email saying that as Christmas was getting expensive they would be only buying for their own children that year.

Needless to say, Nephews got Sod all after that.

We went through the same thing. A few years ago we announced via text message that, "we are no longer buying presents except for the children." This has been amazing. Token gifts go to other children and grandparents. Now we dont get any crap and we have more money to spend on our children.

In our family we always stopped child gifts at 18

Why can't you do a secret santa style thing? What's the reasoning behind it? Surely saying "instead of spending hundreds on £10-£15 presents for everyone, (which no one actually wants and end up shoved in a drawer) why don't we all just spend £40-£50 on ONE half decent present, so everyone gets one nice thing?" Surely it makes complete sense!? If they want to continue to buy cheap tat for their immediate family that's fine, but just refuse to play a part in it. Just send the message saying this is what we're doing, who's game, and if they all say they want to continue the tat gifts, explain that you and your family are opting out this year. We do secret Santa presents with our two separate groups of friends, and it works perfectly. Everyone gets a nice gift, and no one is innundated with plastic, wrapping, and shite to either find somewhere to keep it, or re gift it. It's a load of bollocks. Spending money on pointless cheap crap no one needs/wants, to line the pockets of big retailers is just ridiculous. We buy gifts for our children, secret santa just the one gift with the other kids we know, and only gift to family stuff that's wanted or will be appreciated/used. No unnecessary tat here for years, and it takes a hell of alot of the stress out of Xmas!

Just send a text message saying
"as money is tight and the children are getting older we have decided we are no longer doing family presents. In the same way please do not buy back for us." End of conversion. We did the same, family moaned a bit but then we never had to do it again so sorted. Are you really going to waste all that money on stuff no one wants just because it's tradition and it might cause bad feeling. Sod that.

We travel a lot so family now give us currency. it's great as we get no tat, and can actual spend it on an experience rather than yet more "stuff" which usually ends up in charity shops or the school tombola!

Also have a large extended family. We've settled on presents for the nephews (but they are all young and we see them a few times a year), a box of chocolates or something for the nephews parents. Our parents get presents and siblings without families get a small present - this is probably unfair on the siblings with kids but it was getting too expensive and we were just buying generic gifts for all siblings (smellies on 3 for 2 offers and suchlike).

We kind of fell into the pattern as a family and haven't heard any complaints! I am quite glad that once I had DC I stopped getting presents from siblings as they were often tat/not my taste. This way we all save money and don't waste gifts.

Surely your sister in law's would appreciate so much more having for example ONE nice Liz Earle face set (RRP £50), nice designer bottle of designer perfume, Milton brown goodies, posh bottle of bubbly, etc, rather than a pile of cheap tacky bath sets or vile bottles of cheap wine!? And equally your nieces and nephews... £50 for a new ps game, gift voucher to buy something in their fave shop, or £15 worth of cheap shite they don't even want or like?! Secret Santa is a no brainer here.

I stopped getting gifts from my aunt and uncle when I was 18 (they sometimes give us chocolates if we see them in person at Christmas) and will probably do the same with my nephews.

My side of family, who we see regularly, sorted it a few years ago, we were all having a rough time financially for different reasons, we agreed that we cared for one another and would be there for one another if needed and did not need a present to confirm that. I had one under 18 and it was agreed the others would buy for him until he reached 18. It was also agreed that when the next generation came along (as they have) we would not start.

...on the other hand DH family ...virtually no contact, we buy for sibling , children and grandchildren. I would stop but DH thinks we have to carry on. So difficult as we don't see them, don't know what they have/want.

Good luck in tackling SiL

Secret Santa is really easy to organise if you wanted to. You just put in everyone's email addresses on one of the free secret Santa sites and it emails everyone their person so no one has to organise it. However I'd prefer just to leave it altogether in your situation.
Also people saying it's up to your husband as it's his family, not that simple if it's joint money and it's you sorting it out.