AIBU to ask that we stop all this Christmas present buying?

[LoveBeingAMum555]

DH has two brothers, both married, five kids between them. When the kids were born we agreed that we would buy Christmas presents for everyone in the family - maximum £10 per adult, £15 per child. The youngest child turned 18 this year and we are still doing this.

Last Christmas I suggested that we scale back on the presents. I hardly see my nieces and nephews and the gifts bought for my sons were probably just shoved in a drawer. One of my SILs said it was fun to buy presents and having surprise presents makes Christmas special. She wanted to continue, and everyone else went along with it. I suggested some kind of secret Santa (too complicated) or family presents (too difficult).

DH thinks that it could turn into a family argument and he doesn't want that, he would rather just go along with it. We don't have a lot of money this year and I would rather give the money to my own sons. It also feels like I end up buying a load of tat, and we then receive a load of tat back and it just all feels so unnecessary.

I need perspective on this from someone outside of the family. I am seeing both SILs next week and want to raise it again.

Rather than asking them or suggesting to them which implies they have a choice in the matter, tell them straight out - this year we need to scale back on christmas so we are not going to give gifts any more and don't expect to receive any. Please use the money that you would have spent to buy us presents to buy something for yourselves that you'd really like and we'll do the same too.

If you want to do a secret santa - maybe with a theme (charity shop finds, something made, poundshop bargains, bottle of wine/weird drink, etc) or price limit (£5/10) be prepared to organise it all (there are apps that you can get to keep tabs on it), it might soften the blow to the sil that loves presents for the sake of it - and it's a transition that means you only end up spending a small amount. Then next year if people say that it was too complicated then it can be dropped - mission accomplished - or if they want to go back to proper presents you can drop out and say thanks but no thanks, we would have done a secret santa () but can't afford to do presents for everyone - then again you are out of it and mission accomplished.

And if the secret santa works well and people have fun with it then everyone is happy to do it again next year so you're happy too.

But you need to be telling the others up front and soon before they can say 'but we've already bought your present and can't return it'...

We stopped buying for the adults once the kids became numerous. It works better and we have a strict budget.

DH has 4 siblings, all have partners and all have children. We simply send a present for each family at Christmas and leave it at that. We've sent chocolates, cheese hamper, board game, bouquet etc. We didn't ask them just did it.

By the way we actually only do a £10 secret Santa and everyone is quite happy, it means they have more to spend on their young children. Our family for secret Santa ranges between 18 months and 65 and there are about 20 of us. We have a get together on Boxing Day and distribute them. It also means it’s quite easy to slip in a spare or extra one in case a new girlfriend or distant cousin turns up unexpectedly!

Does your dh do the present shopping and wrapping, or do you? Does your dh clear out and charity shop all the unwanted tat after it’s hung around for a few years, or do you? If you don’t really have that £120 to spare, are you the one that budgets hard to find that money, or does dh do it?

I massively reduced present-giving by mutual agreement a few years ago. I only buy for about ten people now, just close family. Plus a few bits for teachers etc.

I decided to do this with DHs family ages ago, got real crappy presents from them anyway. Just told them we weren't doing it anymore and did it early enough that they wouldn't have already bought presents. If your DH wants to do it let him do all the present buying! He will soon go off the idea

All non-immediate family member presents stopped at 18 in my family and I think that's pretty normal.

I tried suggesting a change, people (with more money) said no. Two years later I just said I am changing to no adult presents expect parents. Everyone happily followed .

We haven’t bought for adults for over 10 years. Haven’t bought for children for 6 years (they’re all under 8). Never been happier.

@Boobiliboobiliboo

I could never understand the logic of attaching happiness to not giving gifts to such young children, as it is so completely joyless. Still, I suppose Scrooge was happy in his own way ...

Mass text advising you are only buying for under 18s as anyone else is an adult and can buy what they actually want themselves....

We have done secret Santa for years now. One for the cousins and one for the adults. Each person then gets one reasonable present rather than lots of tat and it has saved us all money.

Most years (& I get that this does go against the point of secret Santa being secret) we all end up doing a list of things we’d like so we all know we’ll get something we want.

After years of getting crap it’s worked well in our family

Get your DH to sort it out.

I’m 29 and I’m still getting gifts from my aunts so put a stop to it now! I’ve asked many times to not get anymore and I’m still getting them so I’m going to have to be more direct this year. No doubt it’ll be “hohumhum” is being a bitch.

I should add that my sister is 35 and also still getting gifts....

My family agreed two years ago to a no present Christmas. We only buy for our godchildren and our own children (although our children are adults) . It has hands down been the best decision ever.
No running round buying presents that you know probably go into a cupboard. No racking our brains for perfect gift for generous but hard to buy for relatives........it takes a hell of a lot of pressure out of Christmas.

I stopped this with friends as I was single and a lot of them were married and/or had DC so I’d get one (usually nice TBF) from “all of us” and I’d end up having to buy for mum/dad and one each per DC.

My parents are nightmares though; insist on buying my previous partners (now DH) gifts, which means they feel obliged to buy back which has meant that I’ve had to buy them as “you know them better” until I put my foot down.

In my family, the kids stopped getting presents/money at the age of 18. Most of them by that point had their own jobs, so £10 or £20 wasn't that special anymore anyway.

The only exception are my grandparents who still give £50 on Christmas and birthdays to my brother and I, and one or two gifts, but they're always well thought out and not just panic bought tat. Things like jumpers or shoes that we need and use (and often choose ourselves!)

Just announce it. There will be one person unhappy and several quietly relieved.

In my family it's DH that is the holdout annoyingly. However when I left him to do all the heavy lifting of actually buying the presents, I noticed the presents got a lot smaller and the time spent stressing about them decreased. Suddenly it was OK for the children to get cash in an envelope and the parents to get a bottle of wine from our stash next time we saw them

If DH is so keen let him sort it ! However if it causes problems may be best to go along with it .Christmas is about giving and receiving presents after all .Maybe DH could do some shopping ?! Lots of things for about a tenner : Candles ,Chocs ,Wine ,A good Book , Pen , a print or charity shop find (picture ) nice soaps .socks ,scarf /gloves DVD etc .Also maybe he could help/do the wrapping ? (Ha Ha as my DH has never ever wrapped a family present in all our time together !)

I was in exactly this position, although in our case my dh completely agreed with me. Our nieces and nephews range from 18 to 29 and it is just beyond ridiculous buying adults presents that they don't need or particularly want I suspect.

We told my SIL that we wanted to stop now that they had all reached adulthood (my dc are young 10 and 11) The cost of buying so many (each have three adult children) was just so expensive for birthdays and christmases. They had the same reaction as your SIL about how it is a 'shame' and that they don't have much family etc etc, really loading on the guilt.

I have never once received as much as a thank you or an acknowledgement for the gifts over the years I may add.

So we simply sent a text confirming that after the last birthday (18) it would be cards only from then on for all of them, and as much as we loved and cared for our nieces and nephews the impact on our finances was making things difficult (no one can argue with that, as it is a fact)
Yes I had a few 'disappointed' replies from them, but we ignored it and continued with our decision. Now they don't mention it, and they no longer talk about it.

It is your money, and your decision what you do with it, it is not your duty to spend it on other people's adult children!

Be assertive but kind and a text worked well for us, as it was easy to let it drop.

Now if we see them on christmas day, and only then not before or after if we catch up, we take a few little gifts for the table, otherwise I just send a family gift for christmas (chocolates to share that sort of thing) and cards for birthdays.

Do not be bullied into continuing all the buying of gifts. It is always your choice. If you don't do it now, you will end up doing it forever more, now they are all adults now is the perfect time to stop.

I could never understand the logic of attaching happiness to not giving gifts to such young children, as it is so completely joyless

They live hours away. Their parents make zero effort with our DD. We have no idea what they like as a result. We tend to do something with them when we see them - the gift of time and ice cream - rather than buying £10 worth of tat for the sake of it because everyone else is. Xmas is a completely made up festival we don’t celebrate.

The freedom is liberating and = happiness. The kids don’t notice because the other sheep are following the herd and the look on their faces when covered in ice cream and sprinkles is worth way more.

🤷🏻‍♀️

Just say that you aren’t buying for anyone and don’t expect anything in return.
If other adults want to carry on exchanging £10 gifts that no one wants then that is up to them.

OP I said this a few years ago to my own in laws. It did not go well (ie, only some followed it, and MIL bought extra 'stocking fillers' tat that was as bad)

you want to avoid looking like a grinch so smile sweetly and suggest:

1. presents for children only and
2. that you all club together for each child - ie that way they either get something they want, or you get a £50 voucher for their fave shop. Good luck!

We do a family secret Santa and then add a theme. Most of us buy what we need all year so we generally dont rely on christmas to get stuff. So we do a random thing with a theme but really try to make it useful (think silly socks or something).

I do a little raffle for the kids which they love. It just stops excess buying!