AIBU to ask that we stop all this Christmas present buying?

[LoveBeingAMum555]

DH has two brothers, both married, five kids between them. When the kids were born we agreed that we would buy Christmas presents for everyone in the family - maximum £10 per adult, £15 per child. The youngest child turned 18 this year and we are still doing this.

Last Christmas I suggested that we scale back on the presents. I hardly see my nieces and nephews and the gifts bought for my sons were probably just shoved in a drawer. One of my SILs said it was fun to buy presents and having surprise presents makes Christmas special. She wanted to continue, and everyone else went along with it. I suggested some kind of secret Santa (too complicated) or family presents (too difficult).

DH thinks that it could turn into a family argument and he doesn't want that, he would rather just go along with it. We don't have a lot of money this year and I would rather give the money to my own sons. It also feels like I end up buying a load of tat, and we then receive a load of tat back and it just all feels so unnecessary.

I need perspective on this from someone outside of the family. I am seeing both SILs next week and want to raise it again.

Just stop. We did, several years ago. Couple of people weren’t overjoyed, but they got over it. DH’s aunt said she had been thinking of doing it too, so she was happy. Just tell them: no discussion or alternatives, no compromise.

For my in laws and my parents we generally just host a lunch or dinner instead of a gift! I dont buy for my sisters / aunties etc

You don't have to insist everyone changes the way they do things. You can say that this year you will be doing things differently, as PPs have suggested.

If your DH is determined to carry on the way it's always been, then he deals with it. The shopping, the wrapping and writing the tags. It won't get round the problem of spending money you'd rather not this year, but I bet it does next!

Why don’t You all make stuff for each other instead?

Just sweet little things, nothing that needs a tonne of stuff bought to make. Just stuff that makes someone smile and feel thought about and loved.

This year i’m Buying old frames for 50p each in a charity shop and printing off some nice photos from Facebook. Couple of quid each present and takes a couple of hours. Previous years i’ve Made jam, made liqueurs, always make marzipan fruits and ginger biscuits with the kids and decorate boxes to put them in and give to families. Kids have done drawings that i’ve Framed up cheaply or got printed on mugs. Last year I got photos of everyone’s cats printed on key rings, which costed a couple of quid each and was really appreciated. Doesn’t need to cost much or take long.

I haven't got any nephews or nieces, but do have a whole host of little kids of cousins who I see maybe 3 or 4 times a year. All of them are currently 7 or under.
I did gifts for their birth, and possibly first birthdays for the older couple, but that's it.

I'll probably do them a cheque for around the £100 mark for their 18th, when it comes, but that'll be it.

The only other kids (other than my own) I buy for are the 2 kids of my best friend. Her 2 are both under 3, and are allocated £15 each for birthdays and Christmas.

Thanks all, some really helpful suggestions. I wonder if the SIL who is really keen on keeping the presents might want to organise a secret Santa? I wouldnt be against that idea.

I agree that we have to be firm. A few things that struck me from me your posts are 1) when are we actually going to stop buying for nieces and nephews - when they are 30, 40, when they have their own kids?? 2) Giving cash is meaningless, my son earns a fairly decent wage and £10 wouldnt really excite him. 3) Buying a load of 3 for 2 Boots gift sets that people don't want is a shocking waste of money, bad for the environment, and pretty stupid when you really think about it.

I willingly took on the present shopping when the kids were all small, back then it was fun and seeing a young child open a present that they want is lovely. It's not the same when they are 24.

DH has come around to the idea that we just tell the family what we can afford to do this year and if they want to carry on as before it will feel a bit awkward, but so be it.

DH family are like this. All buying for a huge raft of cousins in their 20s and 30s, over time the list has grown to include some we never even see, several spouses etc. We've tried to suggest cutting back a few times and been swiftly shot down. We're the only ones with kids on DH side and there's a reluctance on the part of the generation above to see that for DH & I and the kids, "the cousins" means our children's actual cousins (on my side of family), 7 kids similar ages they see regularly. Not a group of 20+ adults they see once a year who are effectively strangers.

The gift giving is excessive, pointless and wasteful and this year we've just refused to participate.

I agree it’s totally bonkers! We stopped with adults and now just do children. Even then we buy for 14 children!!!!

The 3 for 2 gift sets ended with us when I let it be known that I am basically impossible to buy for due to a combination of ezcema, asthma, migraine and doing the Curly Girl method for my hair. That and being obviously utterly uninterested in makeup.

A few polite comments about how you can't use bubble bath/fragrance/candles etc etc and people will soon be glad not to be buying for you.

It really puts me off buying random products for other people as well - how will I know they will like them? Everything I use is triple checked not an impulse buy - do other people really put stuff on their faces without knowing WTF it is?

Those saying do a SS and get a £50 gift instead- this doesn’t work well for families as usually the woman still ends up buying on behalf of the kids if not the DH and if you up the value then the family unit still shells out a fortune as your kids aren’t likely to be the ones buying unless they are earning.

Just be brave OP. Send a text or email or come out with it when they are all present
Right, now the kids are all over 18 we are going to simplify the gift giving a bit and would love you to join us in that. We can do a secrete Santa with a max £10 or just all bring something to share at Xmas.

We did the shared thing- so when we are all together whether that’s Xmas day or Boxing Day or new year, each unit brings a gift to share. Wine, chocolates, a board game, posh crackers, fireworks, box of magic tricks to try, a plate of home made petit fours etc etc.
It’s lovely and it was a huge relief not to be trying to come up with endless gifts for teenagers and adults who don’t need anything.

Just send a message "Hey everyone, getting in nice & early this year to say we aren't going gifts this year, or from now on at Christmas. We suggested scaling back last year with secret santa but I know you guys want to continue as you are so we are out. We aren't buying at all and expect you to respect that by not giving to us either. We appreciate this isn't for everyone but we are very happy with our decision. Hope to see you all soon"

I would just simply send a group text declaring what you are doing and leave it at that

To your own family, fine. I would be bloody annoyed if DH sent such a text to my half of the family unless I had agreed so.

We have stopped doing adults. It’s mad, there really is very little we need. Books, always good. Nice foodstuffs, stuff that I actually need: great. Otherwise, I just don’t need presents to know that as a family we have a good time together.

I agree with you that it's madness but if your DH and his family are so keen you can't stop them. I don't do any presents with my family, nor between DH and myself. But DH refuses to suggest the same to his family, who we hardly see except at xmas. I just leave it completely to him. It's embarrassing as he buys shit gifts but it's not my problem.

If you see the SILs regularly and have a good relationship with them though, I'd bring it up with them. I'm not sure why it would cause a family fight as your DH fears. Surely if they don't agree they would just say that, no reason why they would get angry.

We stopped doing adults years ago and children stop at 18, even then for the last few teenage years it’s just cash which is pretty crazy really as you are just circulating £25 for each teenager . Much simpler to end it all & enjoy getting together for a meal, theatre trip or similar.

I work in a charity shop, we are inundated with unwanted gifts after Christmas ... great for us but a shocking waste of money.

We decided on presents only for children about 10 years ago. Fine. This year is the first year that my eldest nephew is over 18 / his birthday is in a few weeks and his mother/my sister has already told me what he would like for his birthday and Christmas. I’m going to remind her of the “18 and under decision”. She’s very materialistic, it’s not going to be pretty.

Perhaps if you bring some truly horrific naff 'home made' gifts this year made of bog rolls or recycled cornflakes boxes, gushing about the effort and 'love' you have put into them, they may fall over themselves to agree to no presents going forward with a little luck

Where there is a will there is a way!!

I also wish my family would stop with gift buying. My dad gives me the same £60 cash he always has - even though I’m now 35 and don’t need it. My in-laws give me a £15 John Lewis voucher which, again, I don’t need - and we spend much more than that on them. I think it’s pointless as adults.

I love not having to buy presents for all the family. It's annoying and I hate buying things that might not be wanted.

When we get together we bring nice food or drink or bring a new bird game for everyone to play. It feels more of a celebration like that.

In our family the teens have a lot more disposable cash than some of the adults.

My kids are the oldest grandchildren so it was easy for me to suggest no presents once they reached 21. (I'd have done earlier but my parents wanted to do 21).

My parents are not well off but we're giving £50 to each grandchild and everyone else for birthdays and Christmas. It was stupid. Now they just give to the kids.

Last year we told everyone we were no longer buying for adults (except my DM/DF) and told less closely linked parent friends that we didn't expect presents from them but would love to meet up to do XYZ over Christmas, explaining that our DCs get very overwhelmed with too many presents (the older one has SEN) and we would prefer they not buy ours presents.
There were two families where we usually bought a family present and we've stopped those too.
You can always unilaterally say you are not buying for adults, they can sulk if they want but they are adults after all!

Christmas has gone fucking crazy. A disgraceful consumer fest that craps all over the environment.
I get my mum something she needs that I will have discussed with her, I give my nieces money and I give my own dc stuff they want/need.
I won't buy for anyone else and don't want anything myself.
You should tell your SILs that you are scaling back Christmas, you can't afford it and you don't agree with it. Don't ask them, just tell them! Boots 3 for 2 ought to be called "fuck the environment"

Secret Santa isn't complicated, we use an app that does all of the work.

If adults without children buy for my dc I would have to buy for them though. All these people that aren't buying do you still buy for adults that buy for your kids though? I would feel awful if I didnt at least do that.

If adults without children buy for my dc I would have to buy for them though.
If you say you're just buying for children, that's their choice. We don't buy for the 16yo DD or parents of the DCs' godparents, they know we don't buy for adults.

I've just posted a similar reply on another thread.

I think it's good to have these conversations up front, and that you can tackle it in a way that doesn't hurt feelings. When BIL's family were having expensive building work done, we suggested (hopefully tactfully) setting a £20 cap per person that year. They received the suggestion very gratefully, and it's stuck in subsequent years.

I have a friend who is extremely wealthy. She and her partner used to buy us very, very expensive presents. I sat down with her and said that I felt embarrassed because we couldn't afford to return the favour, even though we would have liked to. She was lovely about it.

I think if you present this as "We can't afford to do it and we are embarrassed" you're likely to get a more positive reaction than if you go in moralistically with "We just buy a load of tat and I hate it".

There are websites that make secret Santa super easy - all you need is everyone's email addresses..