Early morning division of parenting labour. How do you do it in your family?

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I just want reassurance that I’m not the only mum that has an otherwise decent partner who cannot get out of bed except 5 minutes before work or 9-10ish on a day off. It’s not that I want a lie in (well I would but we’ve got a toddler and a older ds) but I would just find the 5am-9am slog easier if he would get up with me sometimes.

We’ve been on two holidays this year and he didn’t get up with me or before 9am once!

AIBU, a mug, a martyr?

You’re in good company on mn. Loads of posters have lazy selfish partners.

We take it is turns over the weekend - one does Saturday morning the other Sunday. It’s incredible selfish not to pitch in with the early morning slog.

I don't think he's a decent partner at all of this is the case. Sleeping til at least 9 when you're up at 5! Does he then moan when you're too tired to spend time together in the evening?

My DH didn't used to help out but now I get up and go swimming and straight to work so he does weekday mornings himself! Including making their packed lunches, along with his own
Beforehand it was generally me and he got up last minute

You're being neither, but a sharp jab in the side saying "your turn" might help?
Or if your toddler comes into your room tell them to get in on daddys side?

It's not that he can't get out of bed, he just doesn't want to.
Why shouldn't he get up at 5am at least one day on the weekend do you can have a lie in. And in the week as well if you're both working. Time to make a change! Tell him from next weekend you're sharing wake ups and don't take no for an answer.

starsinthemedow yes, he does! He can’t understand why after a 5 am start, school and nursery run, a day at work and home that I might fall asleep putting toddler ds to bed!

He's very selfish! Luckily myself and DP are both morning people so once we are awake with DS we are both up. When DS was very little he would get up with him and give me a couple of hours rest without interruption and I have reciprocated a couple of times.

He should be getting up with you or alternating like a PP does! You're not the only parent

On weekday mornings I'd get the kids ready and he'd make breakfast. Weekends we'd each get a lie in on one of the mornings while the other got up.

We share the load here. If we’re both very tired and busy, then we will take turns in quite an organised. If not, then we kind of do it more organically, without sort of keeping count, but one of us would never be left on their own to do it for more than a couple of mornings at a time.

What does he say when you talk to him about it?

Opposite here. We got in the habit of me taking DS so DW could have a lie in after night feeds. 9yrs later I’ve rarely had a lie in. Week days I leave for work first so I get up, 6, make the lunches and do DS breakfast. Then do her coffee and leave - she gets up at 8ish. Every weekend I get up at 7 with DS and she lies in till 9 or 10. This means by the time she’s up and wanting a lazy breakfast we’ve been up for 3hrs and a bit bored and wanting to do something!

It might seem a small thing but it’s one of those little things that really irritate. But it’s simply that she’s a deeper sleeper so doesn’t wake when DS up. So I can understand how others (men) sleep through

No that's unfair.

I used to have 2 very early risers. Bright eyed and bushy tailed at 5am in deepest darkest winter. We used to take it in turns, even at weekends. Even that was hard enough. I remember one particularly bad winter when the eldest (3yrs) and me and dh were all sick for months - a constant merry go round of d&v, colds, d&v again, mysterious viruses. Youngest never got sick, so one of us had to be 'on' all the time.
One morning we both happened to be up and me and dh looked at each other at 4.30am in December 2009 and we just cried.....actually cried tears of tiredness on each other's shoulders.

The difference is, we both did it. I can't imagine how lonely it is on your own.

Just a small point - my early risers are teens now and it's hard to get them anywhere before midday. You will get there I promise xxx

I had a horrible bug a couple of weeks ago and begged him to get up because I felt rough. He did but is such a grumpy arse in the morning it sounded like a conflict zone downstairs. He and ds 6yrs clash massively at the moment. Ds will possibly get an ADHD diagnosis when he’s 7 and in under care of a paed for SEN. He is incapable of having a morning voice or not climbing and jumping round the house from 5am onwards and shine needs a lot of time to come round to the morning.

Sorry that should have been a rant saved for the SEN children board

We have a really complicated algorithm depending on the sleeping patterns of any one particular child at the time, who is getting up for work, what day of the week it is and who is most tired (hotly contested).

At the moment I am “on” through the night until 630 (rarely needed in night but can be up from 5 ish with toddler) then back to bed 630-9 on Saturdays. We swap it on Sundays. His work days I am on until 630 then he gets up until 8 when he brings me tea. Days we both work we both get up at 630 then try and patch together a system prior to that about who is getting up.

In short, we share it pretty strictly 50-50. Neither of us would expect less tbh. Time to start demanding your lie ins!!

I'm lying in bed Mumsnetting because DH is up with DS this morning. I did it yesterday. DH goes back to sleep on his days, I find that hard to do but I still have some time lounging in bed. I will be up by about 8.30, though, and so is he on his days to lie in.

My husband never got up with the kids.

We're older and have an abundance of free time and money now but I'll never forget it.

DH struggles in the morning and at night. I find it easier. He does most of the household admin, laundry, tidying, IT. It works - but can be tiring fOr both of us

You aren't alone. DD is EBF so I have to get up when she does anyway so it makes sense for now. We also have a 3 year old DS. I can count on one hand the amount of times DH has gotten up early for me to have a lay in. Having said that, I'm a morning person and I'm usually up early anyway, whereas DH is definately not. So it works.

If I ever want or need a lay in DH always obliges. So it doesn't bother me at all.

What does your DP say if you ever say you'd like a lay in?

We take it in turns to have a lie in but we will both already be awake at the point that our 17mo is taken downstairs by one of us for breakfast. My husband attempts to resettle any early wake ups and I take over and breastfeed from around 5.30am ish, then usually from 6am ish our son will potter about with his toys before we get him changed and dressed together and then one of us gets ready and takes him downstairs and the other either goes back to bed for a bit or gets ready for work in peace. We tend to swap each day but there is no discussion or rule and it evens out overall. Because my son is still breastfed it’s impossible for me to not ever be disturbed at some point in the morning but we try to give each other enough breaks

We have, by choice and through discussion (always ongoing), a very traditional marriage in that DH works and I stay home.
We would always alternate weekend mornings for a lie in with exceptions as needed. Even if it meant flopping on the sofa whilst small children played on the floor or older ones watched a bit of TV.
DH’s job involves a lot of travel, erratic hours and a degree of entertaining. Neither of us underestimate the how hard each other’s jobs were and work together to find a solution/compromise.
We’re not perfect, we’ve made mistakes (and continue to do so) but respect for each other’s ’jobs’ has been paramount.

I do wonder how many of the partners who don’t pitch in really know what it’s like with kids 24/7. I don’t really understand why they shirk not only the responsibility but the chance to spend time with their children.

What does he say when you talk to him about it?

He apologises and says he’s absolutely exhausted. But it’s a different story if I ask him in the moment to get up. The effort it’d take to actually drag his arse out of bed plus the negativity of him being awake with us all makes it unpalatable! Imagine forcing a grizzly bear out of hibernation and then asking it to make your children breakfast....

We split childcare through the week. I compress my hours to work 2 very long days Tuesday and Friday, then generally work Saturday for 12 hours as well. So those three days my DW is up with the girls, the other three days she's at work so I get up with them. Sunday I generally get up because I'm more given to morning rising, but if I'm tired of need extra rest she'll get up.

I get up with ds (7) and always have done as I have a medical condition which requires me to take medication at 6am every day so I never have a lie in. I could go back to bed after that but I can’t sleep anyway so I just get up. However, I take dh a tea up at 7.30/8 and he gets up then. There’s no way I’d leave him to sleep until he wakes up! It would annoy the hell out of me to be with someone who slept in till 10/11. Id be waking them up.

On days he’s here (half the week) we both get up together. My toddler will be sent in to jump on him if he’s not out of bed yet! I wouldn’t stand for me getting up on my own.