Early morning division of parenting labour. How do you do it in your family?

[RebornFlame]

I just want reassurance that I’m not the only mum that has an otherwise decent partner who cannot get out of bed except 5 minutes before work or 9-10ish on a day off. It’s not that I want a lie in (well I would but we’ve got a toddler and a older ds) but I would just find the 5am-9am slog easier if he would get up with me sometimes.

We’ve been on two holidays this year and he didn’t get up with me or before 9am once!

AIBU, a mug, a martyr?

Absolute bollocks to say they get away with it because they ‘aren’t a morning person’
Nobody is a fucking morning person if they don’t get enough sleep or go to bed at 1pm by choice.

DH was never a morning person, before DS I would always be up before him. But he is a GROWN UP so manages to get up at 6.30am to parent!

You don't even know the full story. He could be working 18 hour days. Offer advice, not criticism.

DH gets up with kids every morning, I often work til 1/2am and I’m not good with mornings, I do all the night get ups unless I’m running on empty and will get help from dh. He gets up usually 6:30 with kids and I get up just before he leaves for work at 8am he always has them fed and dressed.

I’m not a morning person, my husband struggles to stay up late. He can go up to bed at 9pm and just roll over and go to sleep I can’t do that and I take many alarms to get up and I have always been like that, it works for us.

I had a dh like this, then I realised I was being a martyr for enabling it then seething with resentment. We then took it in turns over the weekend (though I felt like he really took the piss with his lie in, not enerhing until lunchtime so the opportunity to do anything was wasted).

Since having dc3 he has stepped up massively, and now havd the older two whilst I lie in with the baby (seperate rooms so be being up the baby doesn't wake him so he gets a good night's sleep before older dc get up). This finally feels like a fair division of labour.

My advice is you need to talk to him about what's fair, you both get a lie in but neither of you takes the piss and leaves the other struggling for hours. A 10am lie in means the other parent has been struggling for 5 hours already.

I would also be much more lax, ie if you can stick the ipad on yo get an extra hour or so back then do so.

We take turns with everything.

DH feeds DS before he goes to the office (and I am still in bed by then).
Then DS will sleep for a few hours more which gives me the chance to tidy up the house, have breakfast and a shower.

We share the load, sort of. I do the night feeds of the baby, so he gets up with the toddler at 6

I always feel so virtuous that I give DH the lie-ins both days usually... but my definition of a lie-in is 7.30 not 9! At this point I usually bring a cup of coffee and open the curtains, let the children in etc or I say to the 3 year old that it’s time to go and wake Daddy up.
Honestly, if he refused to get up at that point I’d be incredibly annoyed.

We take turns on the one day off a week. He gets up earlier than me during the week and drives for work so I get up during the night. It works for us.

I do more of the morning parenting but it doesn’t start until 7 usually and DH is involved.

I bf ds in bed when my alarm goes off or when he wakes, whichever happens first. DH either still asleep or if awake he makes us a cuppa.

I get myself, ds and dd dressed. DH gets himself sorted and feeds the cats / does cat litter. Lots of cats so this takes a while!

We try to have brekkie together but sometimes we’re multitasking and it’s a bit hectic.

I’m on maternity leave, sometimes I take dd to school and sometimes DH does it. Prior to maternity leave we shared it. After maternity leave dd school and day nursery in opposite directions so we plan on doing one each.

Weekends we have a family lie in at least one of the days. All in our bed with breakfast and tv.... chill out together until late morning. If one of us is especially knackered the other will take kids downstairs but this doesn’t happen often really.

I think it’s a pretty fair division really. I’d be very pissed off if I was just expected to do everything myself.

Oh I will add that neither myself, DH or dd are “morning people”. We’re all sleepy and grumpy as hell in the morning and all struggle to get out of bed. I think if somebody didn’t pull their weight then rage would be imminent.

Hubby does weekday mornings, gets up, feeds babba, play time, solids then leaves for work at 7.45. Unless baby sleeps in which is unusual. Meanwhile I get ready and sorted for the day etc.
He also does bath time when he gets home. Otherwise he’d never see him as baby goes to bed at 6.30. We share weekend mornings.
Neither of us gets a lie in really although if one of us is feeling the pace we’ll have a night in the spare room. We go to bed at 10 though lol.

Don’t let him get away with it OP.

We do it slightly different... I get up with the kids every night (I'm on Mat leave) and at the weekend I get a lie in until 9;30. DH usually has to get up at 6 with the youngest

My dh gets up same time as me for work, I get dc ready for school but dh makes the sandwiches.

On the weekends we both get up at the same time we are not ones for lying in bed until 10am.

I'd say one of the keys to this is agreeing the night before who's getting up early the next morning. It's no good discussing it in the moment, especially with a crap partner who crashes around so you end up fully awake anyway. I've said it before on here - with selfish people, a rota on a whiteboard is your friend, then they can't deny what was agreed. If you look at the research on what sleep deprivation does to your memory, weight and health, it's quite scary!

I do the mornings. Have done for as long as I can remember. Eldest ds is 11. He does get up to take them to school 2 mornings a week when I have to be at work for 8.30 but for the most part he works nights. If, as we are hoping, he changes to days (which will be a 9am start) there will have to be a conversation on helping out more with the school morning rush. Its difficult convincing 4 kids to get their shit together in the morning whilst simultaneously trying to get ready for work myself.

There's no chance I'd be standing for that. I'm on mat leave, my partner works FT but has very early starts most of the week (6am-3pm), then a few 3pm-12am shifts. On his two days off we get a lie in each and tag team (so say he gets a lie in til 11am, when DD goes down for a nap if I'm feeling tired I'll go back to bed and have a few hr sleep- my partner will get up with her when she awakes). We've done this since she was born and it works for us. No resentment over who gets more sleep as it balances out over the course of the week. Partner is involved and doesn't need asked to do anything with her. We also rotate on who does her bedtime, too. Mostly so she doesn't become dependent on one person doing it.

I don't understand why people accept their partners not doing their fair share. I obviously do most of the parenting because I'm at home and he isn't, but when he's off it's 50/50.

Generally I get up but its habit because DH works away Mon to Fri... however DH sometimes gets up with baby on a Sat AM, feeds him, goes for a walk then comes back, leaves him with me and takes older DS to football. Much appreciated on a cold morning

Sorry back from work and boys in bed so will read and respond. (I’m rubbish at starting my own threads!)

Ok, so far LOL at * holiday comment. It was a total of 8 nights split over 2 holidays in England. I was not bragging!!

I do (used to) try to get him to agree the day before to him getting up but the process is so arduous and he’s such a moody arse that any best laid plans evaporate.

I have found that he and big ds clash so badly that I willingly get up to avoid the conflict between them. That sounds very sad writtain down but I think the poster who suggested they both have ADHD may be into something.

My DH regularly sneaks out at 5.30/6am with DS who is 9 months to give me a lie in.
We’re a team and we parent as equally as possible. I’m breastfeeding so he can’t do the night waking but we’re night weaning DS now and he’s doing that.

That’s so nice sexnotgender I think I imagined that sort of thing many years ago

Ask him to choose - Saturday or Sunday. The other day becomes your lie in day. Even if you lay awake the whole time. Let him figure out breakfast and the morning slog.

OP please understand something. The moody arsyness is just a tactic. A bullying tactic designed to get you to back off and do it all yourself. So far it's working!

He's being a selfish immature twunt and I'm amazed and saddend it's taken 6(?) years for you to get to the point of questioning it!

On the topic of him vs DS I'm disgusted. DH is the adult, DS is the child. DH needs to pull his head out of his arse pronto. I would be coming down on him like a ton of bricks. Making it very clear that the standard of parenting is non negotiable. I mean on a very basic level what the fuck does he think he's doing by reacting to a child? His job is to stay in control of himself, be the adult and be the parent.

There is simply no excuse for any of DH's bad behaviour you've listed. He is taking the utter piss out of you.