Early morning division of parenting labour. How do you do it in your family?

[RebornFlame]

I just want reassurance that I’m not the only mum that has an otherwise decent partner who cannot get out of bed except 5 minutes before work or 9-10ish on a day off. It’s not that I want a lie in (well I would but we’ve got a toddler and a older ds) but I would just find the 5am-9am slog easier if he would get up with me sometimes.

We’ve been on two holidays this year and he didn’t get up with me or before 9am once!

AIBU, a mug, a martyr?

Two holidays... Well done. Some don't get any.

This is a clear case of communication. Talk to him calmly. Explain your view without being a flea on his ear and ask him to think about it. Think about what's fair and what can change to make you feel now considered in this area.

He's highly likely to throw something at you that you don't expect or necessarily agree with. Don't react straight away and day you're going to think about his response if you're taken off guard.

Remember there are two sides to every story and both of you need to be happy.

YANBU OP
Your partner needs to pitch in more.
DH gets up with DS every morning. DS is 2 and wakes usually around 6.30. DS gets him and gives him breakfast while I get ready for work, then I take over and get DS ready for nursery while DH gets ready for work.
Saturday morning DH gets up with him (and takes him swimming) and I have a lie in
Sunday morning I get up with him.

DS sleeps with me still and usually sleeps through, unless he is ill or teething. But I do all the night time parenting.

Depends. I'm a morning person. DH is a night person. So I make him tea in bed, feed cat and birds, empty dishwasher, reload it from teens midnight snacking put on a washload, make DC packed lunches and breakfast for the family before they are even conscious. But I go to bed every night knowing DH will do the rubbish, put the dishwasher on, lock up, switch off lights etc. I never think about that stuff. It's his territory.

I've worked nights for years and have either been at work or asleep in the mornings, so either OH sorts the kids out or they sort themselves out, I suspect the latter. However they are high school age + now!
Trying to remember what happened when they were small, I probably did more than him, but worked less, certainly I don't remember it ever being a problem. We just seem to muddle through as circumstances change, he's actually better than me at housework!

If he works late night shifts until 10.30 pm, I would cut him a bit of slack in terms of wanting to stay up for a couple of hours to eat and wind down before coming to bed and then getting up a bit later.

However, if he isn’t working then he needs to take turns to do the early mornings. It’s completely unacceptable that he is deliberately treating the children badly to force you to get up and deal it’s them. I would struggle to maintain a civil relationship with a man who used the children as pawns to facilitate his own selfishness. Getting up early is part of parenting.

In the meantime, you need to go to bed early enough that you get enough sleep- if your H doesn’t like it, then he needs to work with you to share the load fairly. You shouldn’t have to work full time and also do all the child care all the time.

I threw mine out. I get millions more sleep now

He's being completely unreasonable and a selfish arse! You need a rota. Every other day is easy to remember for him! My dh leaves for work before dd and I are up, so it falls to me. At the weekend we each get a lie in. We both hate mornings but that's life!

I have SEN kids too OP, and a lazy 37 year old teenager of a husband.

It's shit. You have to keep plugging away at them even though you know in your heart that you really shouldn't have to.

I don't know the answer but you are not alone.

Yes it has been a constant source of frustration for me but I blame myself somewhat as he was always terrible at waking in the morning and has always had a career where he started at around 10am. But it still upsets me now that the dc are older.

I did it all in their early years on the weekends. And they were poor sleepers and although they never woke at 5am, I had broken sleep for years and was so tired in the morning when they did wake at around 6.30-7.30 in the mornings. But by the time they were 5 and 3 years old I trained them on the weekends to turn the tv on and not wake me. I first used a groclock to tell them when they could come and get me for breakfast. I’m more of a morning person anyway so I would just doze in bed until 8 and then get up. Now they are 6 and 8 years old I leave them longer and they sort their own breakfast and I get up around 8.30- 9. We tend to start our weekend at 9am now which annoys dh as when he is ready to do something we have already been out and so we set the tone for the rest of the day. But I’m not going to wait around for him to wake up and then decide what to do. My eldest in particular gets very restless if we spend too much time at home in the mornings. So if we have nothing planned for the day we go out for a few hours in the morning to the park, or meet friends or family somewhere, or swimming or a walk. Then we come home for lunch and some relaxing time which is when dh is ready to do something out

On weekdays I went back to work full time when they were quite young and my work starts early so dh always got them ready and dropped them off. To be honest I went back working full time earlier just so I wouldn’t have to do some weekdays mornings all by myself as well.

My husband has a chronic medical condition which, combined with the medication he often has to take in the small hours to get some sleep through the pain and insomnia, mean mornings are very very difficult - basically, they are down to me. Even knowing there is a damn good reason in DH's case, the inequality festers a bit when I look at other couples sharing mornings (this may be unworthy of me, but is the truth). OP, if your husband doesn't have a damn good reason for not getting out his bed with the children some of the time, find a more equitable way to share the load or it will cause resentment. (Though a version of equitable could be your husband doing all the bedtimes and you getting an evening, if that is what works for you.)

Deal with them

We split 50/50. Weekends we each get a lie in until 8am then we eat breakfast together.

Week days one goes in the shower at 6a.m while the other start to get kids dressed, then we swap round. The person not doing drop off leaves for work around 7am. We both pack kids bags, fill water bottle etc the night before so the person doing drop off just feeds and gets DC out the door for nursery and school

We tend to get up at the same time. Mercifully, DS is rarely up before 7 so it's not too horrendous, especially as I get up at 5.45 for work.

DH is a shift worker though, so he is only here two weekends in five.

I was about to start a thread on this exact topic, but now I've realised DH isn't as bad as some... he's gone to bed late two nights in a row by choice, I've done breastfeeding night wake ups and both weekend early mornings because he's "so exhausted" usually we split lie ins. I feel slightly less hard done by now.

OP you need to have a serious chat about this. Surely he can cope with giving you one lie in a week?!

Op I just read your updates.

Dh also finishes work late (around 9pm and every few weeks around midnight) but he also stays up until 1-2 most mornings.

Bertiebotts ADHD comment also rings true for us. But it was very lonely time for me and I think he could have made more of an effort, so that doesn’t excuse it. But it is something I will keep in mind now. And I’m glad the worst of it has passed now and I am not so tired and wretched in the mornings.

Yes the late shifts are a killer - really messes with your body clock after a while.

I don't accept the 'not a morning person' therefore I get to act like a 'bear' and have my family tiptoe around me and protect me from mornings. What absolute bullshit.

Does he 'growl' at his colleagues when he gets to work in the morning? I doubt it. He can control his behaviour, he's choosing not to.

I feel really sorry for you and your children. Is DH otherwise someone who tries to be a decent person and father? Maybe if you point out the dynamic you're all living he'll be suitably appalled at himself and want to make a big change.

DH gets up most mornings (I'd say 5 a week) with dd (3y) at 6ish, makes breakfast, I get DS 6mo) dressed and we come down to eat.

I fully appreciate DH is a gem. I'm up in the night bf/changing poopy nappies though.

We take turns night on night off for getting up early with our youngest. If one of us has something going on, like an early start for work or a rare night out planned we may swap, but we never do more than 2 in a row. At weekends we each get one early shift and one lie in as late as we like. Totally fair and we're both still shattered most weeks. The weekend lie in is a godsend. Your dh needs to grow up and get on with parenting because you will break at some point from exhaustion.

Weekdays - I get up at 6.15am to be showered, made up, hair done for 7am. I then take over. During this time, DS is allowed the iPad in bed with DH. No one goes downstairs before 7am. I then get DS dressed and do nursery run.

Weekends, DH gets Saturday lie in and I get Sunday. Unwritten rule is up and downstairs between 9.30am and 10am.

Roughly once a month we both take DS somewhere for the morning on our own, giving the other til lunchtime to relax. Once every couple of months, we each take him out for the day alone. It may look incredibly regimented but it works for us as we both get time alone with him, time to ourselves and plenty of time as a family.

Usually we take it in turns at the weekend. I’m on mat leave now and have ds (2) and Dd (3 months). Dh did the getting up yesterday and then watched the rugby while I took ds out. We both did it today but I’m now back in bed as am absolutely exhausted (long week last week and I think I’m coming down with a cold). I’m taking 20 minutes and then am going to shower and take ds out. We’re going to take cardboard to the recycling place. Basically anything to get him out the house. Dh will stay with dd and will chill then.

At the moment I do nothing in the mornings - I get bought breakfast in bed along with anti-sickness tablets and a glass of water. But that's a special case as I've got terrible morning sickness!

Usually DH is out the door around 7.20 for the train, he wakes me up with a coffee, wakes DS up to say bye and then I get us both washed dressed and breakfasted, walk DS to nursery and get the bus to work.

Both get up when the DCs come into our room. DH gets washed etc in the bathroom then heads straight downstairs to sort milk for the girls and coffees for us. I stay upstairs, get them ready and send them downstairs for their drinks, then I get ready. Works perfectly for us

Why oh why do women pick these men?!

DH tends to get up in the mornings with the kids before work while I have an extra hour or so. I do the night wakings (1 year old who still isn't sleeping through the night and autistic 4 year old who is not a great sleeper). On his days off we share the night wakings if necessary and usually get up together or share lie ins, lie ins are usually only until about 8 anyway. DH is a retail manager and I'm a SAHM so it's not the end of the world if either of us are a bit tired during the day, but we do try to split it as evenly as possible. I wouldn't be happy if he wasnt pulling his weight, especially on his days off.

You need a frank and calm discussion imo. Tell your partner exactly what sort of input you want from him.