To ask you why so many children have anxiety these days

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Why is today's parenting producing youngsters with so little resilience?

@Screwtheclockchange Thanks. My ex-stepdad had that attitude about mental health and it's one reason why it took me so long to get help. My colleagues were the same.

okay. the knee story.
He was humiliated that his game with his friends was going wrong and he looked like a fool. His knee was bloody painful. All of which made him meltdown. Have you never stubbed your toe in the middle of some social situation and felt like it was the end of the world because your tights ripped at the same time and you had been looking forward to a glamorous evening and now everything has gone pearshaped. And your toe bloody hurts?

I can remember grazing my knee really badly in netball aged 10. I was crap at netball. I burst into tears. games teacher stopped the other girls comforting me, and said it was nothing to cry about. Resilience followed I am sure. All I can remember from that episode was how nasty the games teacher was and how much I was going to resist playing team sports ever ever again...still hate them to this day. I'm brave though. I never cry when I stub my toe, or burn my hand taking stuff out of the oven or trip up. Lesson learnt. There will be no sympathy.

I agree with pp who said they would rather their school didn’t talk about self harm. PHSE is another questionable lesson area. I will be asking for my children not to sit in on those classes.

V1....we only have one family laptop so they dont get to access social media on it. Homework is done in front of us in the same room, so we know it's done. We dont take phones off them in the evenings, we trust them to tell us if they get any untoward messages, which they have done in the past. We are all educated in the perils of social media. As for getting cheaper burner phones (not sure what that is? )..I know that doesnt happen. There just wouldnt be opportunity. No need for multiple accounts?

V1...you say things like "how are parents supposed to do this" and such like, and say parents need support on social media etc...and when people tell you, you are sarcastic at them and cal them perfect parents.

My dc couldn’t all work on one laptop, there is collectively too much homework. They need to manage their own homework and take the consequences if it doesn’t get done. They all have a desk in their room, never allowing them to work on them would be nuts.They’ve been working all day for exams and are now on their own devices. They need downtime and to communicate with friends,watch shows etc. They have been taught the perils of the internet, one has still had been foolish. It’s not just about messages which yes they would show me but accessing sites he shouldn’t.

We are proactive and struggle with this issue. Its exhausting and causes many stressful arguments.It’s but one of many. Nobody had the answers as it’s always evolving.

You didn’t tell me at all. You said what you did which isn’t the answer.

It's pretty well known that self-harming is a social contagion - if you hear about it and know people doing it, it's much more likely you'll start doing it. It happens in clusters.

It's bloody stupid - I remember having anger/sadness as a kid and letting it out by writing angrily in my diary, swearing quietly at the wall, sometimes throwing things. The minute I read about self harm in Mizz magazine, I went on to try it the next time I had a bout of frustration.

I wish I'd never heard of it because I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have come up with the idea of it on my own, and could have stuck with throwing my hairbrush across the room or just crying.

Nettleskeins - yes I take your point. But this situation was much much more than looking like a fool, or the pain. Really it was on another level.

It was almost like the story of the Sleeping Beauty - a child so protected from harm that pricking her finger caused the whole kingdom to fall asleep for 100 years.

I agree that in the past, the mocking of anyone expressing pain or upset was harsh (almost abusive). But what I saw was of a different order.

I'm thinking on the run here, trying to work out why it disturbed me so much. There was no reassurance from the parents that this was not a total disaster and that he would be OK; that it was just a temporarily painful cut, and the blood was nothing to be scared of - just that there's no fat o the knee etc etc.

My reaction as an adult in the situation is to reassure the child that everything will be alright (my mother was never very good at this, so I learned to "self-soothe") - the adult to be reassuring & confident, to help the child get things in perspective. Not to say "Don't be silly, it doesn't hurt" but to say "Yes, it hurts, it'd nasty, but it'll stop hurting soon. If you let me put a cold ice pack on it, that will help."

Instead this child's parents seemed almost more shocked than their child and seemed almost to encourage him to see his broken skin and temporary pain as something hugely insulting and devastating.

I would have thought that this wouldn't actually help any child, even one with underlying issues of mental ill-health such as really severe anxiety. THat our role as caring adults is to hold a space for children to feel secure, and that things will get better, and that we adults can help them to cope and help them to make things better.

If that makes any sense?

"It never occurs to me that staff wouldn't want to get to know their students (though I'm all too aware that some don't)."
Lola..you sound like a lovely teacher. ..our teachers wouldnt know whether our kids walk to school or get dropped off as they are in school in the staff room or in class, so they dont see what is happening outside at the gates. They dont know that my kids did a sport to a high level outside of school...and even though school was told a family member had a serious brain injury leaving them severely disabled, their current teachers dont seem to know about it or take it on board when they dont always do homework because they are helping out at home etc .

tabbyMumz the video you describe sounds like it does cover methods.

Generally age appropriate coverage comes under general mental health and wellbeing, discussions of emotions, how to respond to emotions, when to speak to a trusted adult if you are feeling bad or you think a friendnis struggling.

PSHE is an important subject but one that can become quite nebulous as it seems to be the dumping ground for whichever moral panic is in the news or that organisations/governments think needs adding into schools as a knee jerk reaction. It requires a lot of sensitivity and (in my opinion) should be something staff get much more training on than they do in most schools.

The kids- mine and ones I speak to, are still talking about whatever kid being a little sod semi permanently, but instead of the kid being told off and having to be responsible for their behaviour, they all have to have a chat about how they feel, the kid carries on being a sod because of whatever reason and other kids just have to put up with it.
That's a behaviour management issue rather than a resilience issue. It's s right out of the pivotal education handbook where no child could possibly be being a disruptive PITA, they must have "unmet needs" (usually meaning the teacher hasn't let them do what they like) and they may have been unpleasant and rude to their peers, but what needs to happen is the victim needs to listen whilst the perpetrator explains how the perpetrator is the real victim in all of this, so in future maybe the victims could be a little less triggering in their existence.
It's bollocks and part of the snake oil sold to schools where basic behaviour is pathologised and can be reframed in therapy language. (See also, my child isn't responsible for their behaviour because they work best with friends / they were sat near a window / the victim looked at them / they have a personality clash with the teacher so couldn't manage to write the date and title... Therefore I don't give you permission to sanction them)
Again then schools/parents wonder why there are students in y10/11 who are still making excuses when they're only displaying the behaviour that the adults in their lives have enabled for years.

"You didn’t tell me at all. You said what you did which isn’t the answer."
If you ask questions in a manner that looks like you havent a clue, people are going to give you examples of how they deal with it. My end point on this is I dont think we should always look for support and make out we are not coping etc. We need to look for the answer within and be resilient. If we aren't resilient, kids see that, and they then think it's acceptable to behave in the same way .

away I agree with everything you are saying. I just wonder whether the parents were anxious because they had to put up with meltdowns quite a lot - but as you say, vicious circle.
As parents you get very sensitised to things going wrong for your children because you remember just what happens next.
Maybe we need to stop feeling so responsible for our children's anxiety and think it is something we can "fix".
But just acknowledge it and listen. And time will do the rest. Perhaps.

Dd often says to me, I don't want you to solve this problem I just want to tell you I'm upset. (17) And in fact would be furious if I did try and intervene (teachers, friends, schoolwork) I think that is resilient but she needs the emotional support too.

Who says that is what is happening, I don’t see that. Where are you getting your facts for that? Parents always asking for support is causing anxiety. I don’t think so.

Most people I know who ask for support are at their wits end and aren’t coping. I am pretty tough and gone through a lot over the years. My son’s anxiety is the only thing I’ve ever asked for support- because we all need it. We don’t know how to help him. I have read and researched. It hasn’t worked.

A lot of children I meet through my work suffer with anxiety. They almost all have parents (usually mothers) who are also anxious and quite often, the anxious parent doesn't really want to help the child, as the child being so anxious keeps them safe and close. I do only see very severe cases though, children and teenagers who are unable to leave the house

Maybe we need to stop feeling so responsible for our children's anxiety and think it is something we can "fix".
But just acknowledge it and listen. And time will do the rest. Perhaps.

I think that'd really wise, Nettleskeins.

It seems to me, though, that what we all need is the ability to distinguish between the "normal" difficult stuff, and not pathologise that or make excuses. BUt we also need to be able to recognise the situations and/or conditions which are serious - as some of the examples on this thread definitely are.

This thread is really interesting reading, I'm learning a lot & it's making me think.

My parents were not the sit down and talk type but also had a strange attitude towards injury and illness. My brother and I had injuries which really should have been treated at A&E rather than managing themselves, but would take us to the GP for everything. we were there all the time, or so it felt. I had to train myself out of going to the GP as an adult. Possibly took it a bit too far.

My dad still goes to the doctor over every twinge, but often ignores the advice .

So the knee injury makes me think it's a weird family thing.

Where is the one between having anxiety and feeling anxious.

I was very stressed over my o-levels, lots of tears and shouting and short periods of being off my food. No one thought I was ill though, only that it was normal to be worried about exams.

I was and still can be very shy, probably today it would be called social anxiety, then it was bad manners!

Whoa, having anxiety doesn't mean that you aren't resilient. Some of the bravest people I know have anxiety.

Loyalty that is not my experience at all. Most people whose children refuse to leave the house are DESPERATE for them to leave the house - they have no desire at all to keep them close and secure - and they are driven insane by not knowing how to handle the situation. I am talking about school refusal and self imposed social isolation here.
What you may have noticed is that given their children are exhibiting such extreme behaviour and such high anxiety they will then try and create a happy environment at home to at least rebuilt the child's self esteem in some way.

As compared to insisting screaming at them they have to go to school and they are not putting up with this behaviour any longer. Which usually doesn't work either.. Although schools will often suggest this tactic, and take parents to task for not getting the child into school.

Usually a child/teen in this situation will be finding school very tough by this point, why wouldn't the parent want to be the alternative safe base?

awaywiththepiskies
The thing that really made me think on this was a former colleague who said something to the effect of the world would be better for kids if every adult stopped and asked themselves 'am I doing this for my benefit or the children's benefit?'

It absolutely changed my thinking. For example (all written in 1st person for illustration purposes):

When I insist on driving my child 5 minutes door to door Vs allowing them a 10 min walk with friends, is that done to address my hangups or is it genuinely a safety issue?

When I'm comparing reading book levels in earshot of my children, am I doing it because I have an interest in reading? Or am I doing it because I'm more interested in how my child compares to my friends' children?

When I allow one teen to have a free pass and a hot chocolate chat after they've been unpleasant to other students, am I really doing this for their benefit because I'm appropriately qualified to address a range of complex issues AND professional judgement says this is the right time? Or am I doing it because it makes me feel like the cool teacher/TA and validates me?

When I'm standing in front of 200 y10 students before their mock exams giving a "motivational" assembly, am I doing that to inspire and build them up with appropriate content? Or am I passing on my stress to 150 now nervous children for the sake of trying to target 50 who don't care anyway?

As a parent when I'm telling my child I'll be speaking to the teacher about them being in bottom set/bottom table, am I doing that because I sincerely believe my child is in the wrong ability group? Or am I doing it because I want to feel like I'm doing something and firing off an email is easy and makes me feel better (Vs supporting DC with their homework and revision)? Or because part of me thinks that being in bottom group is some sort of reflection on me as a parent and therefore I'm acting to preserve my own feelings?

Social media has a big role in it.

When I was the same age as my DD(3) we didn’t have tablets, mobiles and tv had that strange screen with the girl and the puppet so you couldn’t over watch tv.
We experienced power cuts and actually had to speak to family instead of ignoring them in a mobile phone.
When I went to a house party and threw up everywhere it did get around school but there wasn’t photographic evidence posted all over Facebook/instagram.

There is also a lot of violence these days, I know it’s always been there but now if there is a terrorist attack in a country around the world then we know about it in moments because of the internet.
Isn’t it something like 160 teens have been stabbed to death in London alone this year?

I think all of this would make people more anxious than what they were previously

373 messages and the OP has contributed a one line first question and about 4 paragraphs since which are dripping with arrogance and ignorance. Say they teach a sport. I wouldn't want someone like that near my kids

LolaSmiles that’s a great question to ask oneself, as a parent or a teacher. Thank you.

Well as both a parent and as someone who works with children this thread has been an interesting read.

Yes I like that question too, LolaSmiles. I have a tendency to fuss a bit too much over my kids, so I shall be asking that of myself!

I think as parents we also have to try and be less defensive and accept we are not perfect and may have made mistakes. Over the years I have learnt a lot from Mumsnet and taken advice from some of the wise posters on here (and ignored the crazy ones).

I have noticed there are quite a few defensive posters on here who are taking everything personally -‘how dare you criticise my parenting!’

Being a parent is difficult - but we do need to be self-aware, be willing to change, to be aware of our own issues. Accepting help and advice doesn’t mean we are a failure.

My favourite quote is from Michelle Obama’s recent memoirs - her mother would say to her ‘I am raising adults, not babies’.
This is something I do remind myself often when I am stressing about whether my child will cope with something or other - in a few years time they will be adults, on their own in the world, and how will they ever cope if they have always had me there to help them with everything?

As to why so many children seem to have anxiety - maybe they have everything and nothing to worry about? (I am not talking about children who have experienced trauma).

They live in a stable democratic country, with enough food, a safe home, free education, free healthcare, endless choices, endless leisure activities. What is there to worry about?
Yet at the same time their world is on the brink of environmental destruction, their government is a farce, they are expected to look amazing, be clever, get a great career, have a great social media presence, a great social life, a great sex life, get rich, yet also be morally and socially aware.

I kind of see why doing anything at all can seem like too much.