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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask you why so many children have anxiety these days

535 replies

Tvstar · 02/11/2019 10:11

Why is today's parenting producing youngsters with so little resilience?

OP posts:
therealmcginty · 02/11/2019 19:23

I would go further and say humans are suggestible @Evenquieterlife33 children are easier to manipulate because of cognitive immaturity. Agree with your points though.

LolaSmiles · 02/11/2019 19:24

I don't think resilience means put up and shut up at all. It means that when things go wrong (on a day to day basis rather than major problems such as bereavement/ abuse etc) you cope, get up again the next day and get on with life/ have another go
And most importantly, the people in your life have shown you how to do it

It's why "resilience events" in schools are usually a waste of time. Doing some challenges for one day won't make a child resilient if the messages they're getting left, right and centre is that failure is a problem, mistakes are bad, don't look like you're finding anything difficult, don't talk about your problems (because we're the sort of naice family who doesn't have those problems).
There's no point having motivational posters about how "fail = first attempt in learning", if there's no work on how to work through challenges, no work on how to reflect and review and improve.
There's no point wondering why ks4 students can't manage their own workload and revision if they've had excuses made for them from y7 as to why they couldn't possibly be expected to follow homework deadlines.

No point saying kids take things to heart from influencers on social media, if they hear their mums talking about their latest diet and commenting on what Karen looks like following her break up

Adult influences are powerful

TabbyMumz · 02/11/2019 19:24

"Also just on the self harming point. I recently chatted to a friend who’s child’s secondary school gave a series of lessons on self harm. Then hey presto large number of children then self harm."
Yessssssss. I've definitely seen this happen. That's what I meant when I said earlier about attention seeking.

TabbyMumz · 02/11/2019 19:29

. "You can restrict your child to an hour and a half a day and they still encounter dangers."
Which is why you often dont allow it at all and you educate them on the dangers. There is so much info from schools and society about this.

LolaSmiles · 02/11/2019 19:29

tabby
There should be strict guidelines for staff when teaching PSHE when the topic is self harming. Usually that means not explicitly discussing methods of harm and covering up.
There's often a spike in reports after the lessons, but better that than someone falls through the net.

V1daw1inter · 02/11/2019 19:30

Don’t allow kids screen time at all. How is that helping them to be resilient or to socialise with friends or even to do homework? Much of my dc’s homework is online.Confused

DobbinOnTheLA · 02/11/2019 19:35

DS1 searched "how to die" on a school computer. With the Head Teacher behind him🤦. It was a curiosity thing, but quite the phonecall.

Screwtheclockchange · 02/11/2019 19:35

I know that I was severely anxious as a child thirty years ago. It was never picked up on or treated, because my parents didn't believe that children could have mental health issues (especially not children of lovely, educated middle class parents like them). I'm definitely not labelling normal childhood emotions here: I had OCD symptoms so severe that I was staying awake for hours every night completing my rituals/compulsions, so my ability to function day-to-day suffered. This went on for years. I was also very withdrawn and I used to bite/bruise myself to deal with emotional pain. There was clearly something very wrong and nobody ever helped me because "children don't have problems".

So, whilst I can well imagine that some elements of children's lives now are making them more likely to be anxious, I also think that issues are just more likely to be picked up on now than in the past.

GunpowderGelatine · 02/11/2019 19:38

I think children have always had anxiety it's just we have a name for it these days.

I was painfully shy and nervous a child, until an alarming age I literally hid behind my mum's skirt in public places. I'm in my 30's now and pretty confident, but the unbearable nervousness lasted into my late teens. I'm pretty sure had i been a child now I'd have been diagnosed with anxiety

DobbinOnTheLA · 02/11/2019 19:40

My mum had a psychotic episode (or nervous breakdown as it was then referred to) when I was 10. It was scary (parents divorced) but it's not like she could help it. She was so ashamed she never really did get the mental health support she needed and had a couple more episodes. Though more minor.

And she was from a tough background, worked hard etc etc. Was never ferried and mollycoddled.

TabbyMumz · 02/11/2019 19:40

"There's often a spike in reports after the lessons, but better that than someone falls through the net."....my point was none of them were self harming before the talk, afterwards there were loads of girls saying they were self harming. I'd much rather they didn't talk about it at school. Whereas they might get the one that might fall through the net, they have created another 10 girls self harming that would have never thought about it in the first place. We recently had a spurt of kids using gas canisters to get high in our area. I said to my child " how on earth do they know what to do,"....she said "oh, they showed us a video in school..it showed how to put the balloon on top of the canister then breath it in.

LolaSmiles · 02/11/2019 19:44

TabbyMumz
That's bloody outrageous from the school!!
The first principle when covering self harm in PSHE is you don't discuss methods or how to cover up.
Someone's bang out of order there.

TabbyMumz · 02/11/2019 19:45

"Don’t allow kids screen time at all. How is that helping them to be resilient or to socialise with friends or even to do homework? Much of my dc’s homework is online."

Pretty sure their homework isn't on fb or instagram or snapchat. .which you full well know is what we were discussing. Unless your teachers groom the students by setting their homework online?

V1daw1inter · 02/11/2019 19:46

Obviously.So how do you stop kids from flipping between the two?

TabbyMumz · 02/11/2019 19:47

Lola....I dont know whether they did discuss methods or about covering up....but by discussing the topic at all gave the seed of thought to students who didn't even know it existed!

V1daw1inter · 02/11/2019 19:48

Their homework is online. It can be the additional learning page with revision material, homework questions,, text books, maths sites with exercise to go through, pictures of slides on the board, group chats on Snapchat re a group experiment.....

TabbyMumz · 02/11/2019 19:50

"Obviously.Sohow do you stop kids from flipping between the two?"
Wasnt a problem in our house. Kids aren't supposed to be on fb or instagram until they reach 13. If they do their homework online, that's usually on a laptop or computer, in front of us, and their social media would normally be accessed on their phone. It is quite common to take phones off kids.

PhilSwagielka · 02/11/2019 19:50

If it helps, mental illness runs in my family. My grandad had a history of suicide attempts and my mum has MH issues as well. Mental illness has always existed, except we're less likely to lock people up for it.

Anxiety is a real thing and I hate the attitude that mental illness is snowflake bullshit because I used to think that myself, and I ended up taking an overdose and having a breakdown because I would not accept I needed help.

TabbyMumz · 02/11/2019 19:51

"group chats on Snapchat re a group experiment."....yeah right, as if

Downwind · 02/11/2019 19:53

There's a lot more pressure at school.
You'd always get your parents' friends asking "what do you want to be when you grow up?"
But now, in school, you have career days, having to write reports or give a presentation about what you want to do in the future - in Primary school!
That's fine if you have a passion about something - but a lot of 7, 8, 9 year old kids are still struggling with basic maths, writing and reading. And now they also have to worry about not knowing what job they may like to do in 15 years time.

V1daw1inter · 02/11/2019 19:58

I’ve seen the group chats as asked to check. Snapchat or insta and yes there have been detailed project and doe arrangement discussions.

Re having 3 x15 /16 year olds round the dining room table with laptops facing us all evening and quiet not that easy. We take phones in after 6 but there are complaints re us being too controlling. They can access most of everything on their laptops anyway, get tabs up lightning quick.

You’re deluded if you think you can control screens belonging to 15 16year olds all the time. Even perfect parents like yourself will have had the wool pulled over your eyes a fair few times.

And yes I know the age re FB, kids are perfectly capable of lying re age, getting cheap burner phones, starting multiple accounts....

Awaywiththepiskies · 02/11/2019 20:00

I was painfully shy and nervous a child, until an alarming age I literally hid behind my mum's skirt in public places. I'm in my 30's now and pretty confident, but the unbearable nervousness lasted into my late teens. I'm pretty sure had i been a child now I'd have been diagnosed with anxiety

Yes Gunpowder I think there's a spectrum here: I had that kind of shyness & anxiety until my early to mid-20s. It was severe shyness - but it wasn't some of the extreme ill-health described here - some harrowing stories. Those are not the stories/conditions I think are being pathologised.

It's the attribution of normal difficult things like anxiety, shyness etc to mental ill-health. Instead of seeing these as normal - that emotions and personal interactions can sometimes be difficult. But we have to learn how to deal with them.

For example, I was visiting some friends of friends (with my friends IYSWIM). One of the friends' friends' children feel over while running around in a game. The child was 12 or 13 or so. His response to his bloodied scratched knees was a total meltdown. Hi father had to carry him to the house. Any attempt at first aid - cleaning the wound, to get the gravel out, etc was met with more racking sobs interspersed with screams. His parents put him in a bath and one or other of them was with him for about 30 minutes.

Other adults nodded gravely and said "Oh, he has anxiety."

I found this all quite disturbing - it was a normal fall & a cut knee. Until that point the boy seemed 'normal ' - playing, chatting etc. The parents seemed over-solicitous and anxious themselves at the consequences of normal rough & tumble play.

Now it could be that he had an underlying mental health problem, which meant that he over-reacted to a normal injury. But the way he was treated seemed to be contributing to his meltdown. It was as if the damage to his knee (quite quite minor) was a mortal insult to their son.

The whole thing was just odd.

Screwtheclockchange · 02/11/2019 20:04

I'm sorry that you went through that, PhilSwagielka.

I have a family member who will go on and on about young people today being snowflakes, "you just have to pull yourselves and get on it", etc etc. Last year, they were treated for a mental health problem that they had been carrying around for 40 years without even trying to get help. Seriously, 40 bloody years. I'm deeply sympathetic but I'm also (silently) angry that this hasn't changed their attitudes. Their issues had a knock-on effect on other people, including kids. I don't blame them for that, but I do blame them for the fact that they still cling to the idea that people who seek help for mental health troubles in a timely fashion are wimps and quitters.

PhilSwagielka · 02/11/2019 20:04

Re the bloke off The Apprentice, I think that's bullshit. You can't erase the past. Bad things happened and there's no point pretending they didn't, because often they shape the way things are today. Jewish kids grow up aware of the Holocaust, and some of them will have lost family. We learned about all kinds of grim things in history class. Slavery, the Holocaust, Soweto, My Lai, Emmett Till, the killing of the three Civil Rights workers. You can't shelter kids from the past. Especially when there are denialists about things like the Armenian Genocide.

Evenquieterlife33 · 02/11/2019 20:04

Sorry I don’t mean that this toy is new, the anxiety elephant thingy- I’m making the point that the whole thing has become a product and a trend/movement now. I don’t mean all over but definitely in places. I think this is unhealthy. This isn’t direct/targeted help this is marketing. This is not a positive direction. It also becomes aspirational like any other product. We don’t need people aspiring to have anxiety, this belittles the struggles of people who are really needing help, it also thins out the resources available to them. Also on the idea of resilience being not about put up and shut up” it is in our school. The home page on the school mental health charity talks about how teachers have to get involved less in disputes between pupils once they get involved. This just made me thing that their involvement is also a resources issue. This is schools looking like they are engaged in promoting mental health but in reality not doing it very well. I think this can be harmful. The kids- mine and ones I speak to, are still talking about whatever kid being a little sod semi permanently, but instead of the kid being told off and having to be responsible for their behaviour, they all have to have a chat about how they feel, the kid carries on being a sod because of whatever reason and other kids just have to put up with it. But everyone has had a chat, the offended kids can’t be bothered to tell on the naughty kids after a while because they don’t want to sit for half an hour after being hot or whatever and listen to the offender saying “I don’t know how I feel” or “I don’t remember doing it” for half of their play time. From on the ground behaviour is still crap. No child likes being in an environment where behaviour isn’t nice a lot of the time. That’s how resilience is sold in our academy. At home I wouldn’t frame any situation with any current buzzwords like “resilience“ to the kids. They hear these words in school used in an whats we as a family find unacceptable. Personally I think all this should be left to parents and medical professionals. I don’t think schools are capable of delivering mental health services Effectively.

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