House guest with IBS

[CaptainWarbeck]

Have guests staying, where one has IBS and is on the fodmap diet: gluten free, no garlic, onions, lactose etc. I didn't know how restrictive it was until they turned up so my meal plan for cooking for them has gone out the window. We're veggie with small kids so it's incredibly difficult to find meals that work for everyone.

AIBU to find it annoying that he insists on this diet when he's eating at home with us and I'm preparing meals, but then eats croissants and onions and lactose etc when he's out (and there are fodmap friendly options), then merrily complains that he'll 'be paying for it later'? He has also bought and eats lots of biscuits (which clearly aren't gluten free) but won't touch any of my cooking if there's gluten/fodmaps in it. And I'm not a bad cook!

I've suggested that we cook some meals together (they're staying for a month) but that they sort most of their meals out and cook meat if they like. I feel like a terrible host as I love cooking for people, and I clearly don't understand IBS very well. In my mind surely you eat something or you don't?

If they choose to eat the non-conforming food when out but not when you cook at home they are being a CF and should prepare all their own food

Staying for a month!!?
Oh dear. I think I'd have to be totally honest and tell them that after seeing their cavalier approach to their 'diet' when out and about, why should I bend over backwards to accommodate it at home!

My aunt has IBS. She has to be very careful what she eats. If we go out for a meal then she will be very clear it needs to be a GF meal. We get her gf bread/biscuits/cake etc and cook gf gravy etc etc. But you can bet your bottom dollar of there's a home made non gf cake she'll have a bit! "I'll pay for it later"..... I used to be a bit "uh?" Now I just think she's so limited in choices that occasionally she doesn't mind paying for it later. So I still sort out the gf options and just laugh when she has my cake.

Maybe let your house guest cook for himself. You can still offer a lovely veggie meal they can share. Or if he'd prefer he can do his own. If they are there a month I would expect them to contribute to groceries anyway.

If they're staying for a month they should be helping cook meals with or without IBS!

FODMAP isn't a fad diet and it's very restrictive, but is good for managing troublesome IBS. It also doesn't have to be gluten free as far as I know. My partner follows a version of FODMAP after a bad flare up of IBS and is now slowly reintroducing foods into his diet, but only some. I get that it's a pain for you, but it is a serious condition and they are on this diet for a reason and will be keeping food diaries. It is possible that your guest is trying to introduce some foods or fancies a treat sometimes.

I have gut issues, and I will sometimes eat something I will pay for later. I am also vegetarian, and strict--no gummy lollies, no carmines, no wines fined with fish, no rennet cheese. If I were staying with you and you weren't veggie, I would offer to cook my own meals so as not to put you out, but I would not insist you cook foods free of all the things that irritate my gut, then eat them while out. That's being a CF, and an arse. FODMAP is a faff even if you do eat meat, I'd not be catering to it for someone who wasn't following it strictly.

Leigh
Your partner will only introduce one food at a time. Not gluten, lactose and onions in one sitting and then complain about the after effects.

YADNBU
What he’s basically doing is eating a small amount of the forbidden foods as he knows it probably won’t trigger his IBS. But if he eats more of them, they will as there is a tipping point.

What you could say is that you’ve noticed how he seems to eat proportion of the forbidden foods on his list daily when out. So from now on, you’ll be cooking a normal evening meal and if this will upset his digestive system, you will ensure when out with him that he has access to safe foods. Maybe continue with the gluten free pasta and bread for him as that’s easy these days.

Then continue that if he doesn’t like this, he can shop and cook for everyone.

A month?! That's not a guest, that's a short term tenant lol! why are you cooking his meals seems a bit much? If someone I knew was kind enough to host me for a month I would be cooking for them!

Get then to meal plan with you maybe?

I was all set to say yabu but if he's eating it all out and about then he's a CF.

A “guest” staying for a month? Sounds more like a lodger. Bugger that, they’d be doing their own cooking.

It's my younger sister and her boyfriend and we live abroad, hence the long stay. He's the one with IBS. They've cooked one meal for us so far and I've cleared a cupboard and a fridge shelf for them to buy in stuff they like for themselves.

He's definitely not trialling items to see if they trigger him and doubt he is keeping a food diary. The fodmap diet is self imposed and he only seems to follow it when he wants to. He definitely has gut issues but I do find it frustrating that he insists his diet is so restrictive but then doesn't stick to it properly.

The fodmap diet is self imposed and he only seems to follow it when he wants to. He definitely has gut issues but I do find it frustrating that he insists his diet is so restrictive but then doesn't stick to it properly.

He is just being a twat, in this case.

What you could say is that you’ve noticed how he seems to eat proportion of the forbidden foods on his list daily when out. So from now on, you’ll be cooking a normal evening meal and if this will upset his digestive system, you will ensure when out with him that he has access to safe foods. Maybe continue with the gluten free pasta and bread for him as that’s easy these days.

I would do as littledragon suggests - if he doesn't like it, let him lump it! It's very entitled to insist that your host - especially when that host is also cooking for young children, and needs to ensure that they get a balanced, nutritious and delicious diet - that your hot is the one who has to worry about what to cook and how to cook it.t - they are being paid for it. If he wants his "forbidden" foods, he can eat them at your house, and stick to his diet outside your home.
Let the cafes and restaurants you visit worry about that

I hope your sister has heard the alarm bells.

Just let them get on with it. If you're vegetarian with small children, you have your own daily routine to deal with.

Sounds like he's one of those, I decided I have x so cater to me as I'm so special CF.

Did he come over for a free holiday?

Firmly explain you are not his mummy and he needs to start cooking meals that the all the family can eat.

OP I think he is following it more strictly in your home because it's not his 'safe space' for want of a better word. Since having my gallbladder removed, it has paid havoc with my digestive system and I sometimes get IBS (I've soiled myself twice in public since 2014). I might eat something I shouldn't, if I know I will be home in awhile. But he has to be in someone else's home for a month, and he most likely doesn't want to embarrass himself and deal with messes, toilet brushes, etc, so is being extra vigilant because he can't relax like he could if he was at home. I understand what he's doing. I might eat something bad if I'm at home (close to my own toilet) or in a shopping mall where I know where everything is.

But I would take extra, extra caution if I was staying over someone else's house. You're afraid of embarrassing yourself somewhere where there is no escape for a month. I 'get' him, and I don't think he is being a CF. If he doesn't offer to pay for a few meals out/takeaway, cook a bit, then he would be a CF for that.

Can you speak to your sister about this? He’s her bf so she’s responsible for bringing him to your house.

Also, the “paying for it later” can be quite unpleasant and not something I would like to do as a guest in someone’s house. Even if they’ve got their own bathroom to use at your house, in which case it may be the case that your sister decides he’s being unreasonable to eat stuff that makes his guts explode.

FODMAP diet isn't for allergies it's just to aid in digestion and reduce IBS symptoms so maybe he sees eating out as a treat and thinks potentially suffering later is fine? Who knows. Onions are a big FODMAP trigger but it does depend how they are cooked etc to be fair. It also isn't a gluten free diet. Agree he sounds a pain though.

If they are there for a month OP I'd just have them cooking for themselves anyway. Have you asked him why he won't eat your food but eats out? I'm sure if you asked tactfully it would be fine.

I can't have Gluten (am coeliac) or lactose and would be bloody ill if I did, would not in a million years risk it if staying at someones house as lord it isn't a pretty sight and I'd be mortified! To that end I always prefer to cook for myself anyway and am very anxious about others cooking. It is nothing personal at all, I just worry about cross contamination. ( I can't use the same toaster as DP even) and lots of people don't think of things like that. The abdominal pain from a reaction is unbearable and I will do anything to avoid a flare up.

You (or he) can buy some really nice gluten free ready meals. Ocado is good for that, Amy's Kitchen stuff and there are others. There are also gluten free sausages but most are anyway. I realise you probably don't have Ocado where you live but there will be somewhere.

Plenty of people with IBS can eat garlic, onion and cheese, it's not a problem to them. He has obviously worked out what suits him and what doesn't.

It's not fair of the man to point out anything you do that might not suit his diet but then ignore it when he goes out. Do speak to him about that. Encourage them to cook as much as possible!

I hope the rest of their holiday goes well and isn't too taxing on you. At least there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Wait....I think I read your post wrong. I thought you meant he eats the forbidden stuff at his home, and when he is out and about, where he lives. BUT, if you're saying he is buying this stuff to eat while at your house, I guess that nullifies my first post.

My SIL is a bit like this. It drove me potty on holiday a few years ago. She made it clear to a waitress in no uncertain terms that she was GF then proceeded to eat bread right in front of the waitress who rushed over saying “that’s got gluten in it” only for SIL to laugh. I was embarrassed. My DM makes a huge effort to cater for their (and DB) diet (they are vegetarian and very very “clean” eating) yet when we go out to eat they’ll get all sorts of crap. I’ve been anywhere to eat with them where they haven’t excessively questioned the waiter what is in the dish the proceeded to order a version of it. It’s tiresome.

I think that you should revert to your meal plan but make sure there is GF pasta and a few other bits available in the cupboard so that he can choose whether to partake of the meal you are making or whether to make his own alternative.

I kind of understand him relaxing the rules when he's out if it's very occasional but not if it's every day and not if he has explicitly told you that you have to cater for his diet.

I have lots of severe food allergies where eating that food is out of the question as it's a medical emergency. I also have a handful of milder intolerances. With the latter I will occasionally eat something that might contain one of my intolerances because when I'm asking caterers about whether the food contains the things I'm highly allergic to I don't want to dilute the message by also asking about the intolerances. However, this applies to newer friends cooking for me, not just to cafes/restaurants. (Close friends have my A4 Word document of foods to avoid and are brilliant at cooking for me).

My health/comfort is impacted mildly for 2-3 days following eating an intolerance as a one off. If I were to eat something from the list every single day I would be a mess. I'm guessing the BIL situation is similar but I still think it's awful to expect you to follow the rules to the letter and him to loudly and knowingly choose bad options when you're out.

I would just cook meals as normal. I'd ask him to buy his own food as it's for a month. Can he get microwave meals, big bowl of fruit and bread?

Just to correct a few things here.

FODMAP is not necessarily gluten-free BUT some dietitians will ask you to go gluten free and dairy free as well if your symptoms warrant it. (my DD used the FODMAP and was under the care of one of the top UK dietitians who won an award for her work in this.)

AS PPs say, it's possible sometimes to eat a very small amount of something - like a small amount of onion- but you wouldn't go for onion soup.

If he is self-diagnosed and not working with a professional, that's bad anyway as the FODMAP is supposed to be an 8-week trial under supervision. After 8 weeks, you introduce challenges with one food at a time, to test.

It's not actually supposed to be a long term diet. Most people using it will narrow down their trigger foods and be able to eat some of the restricted foods.

OP rather than get all emotional over it, why don't you and him meal plan each week? He should take responsibility for his meals too.

As an aside, I have IBS and follow a restricted diet. Going veggie would be hard at times because so many foods like pulses can be incredibly irritating to a sensitive gut. If your veggie diet relies a lot on these, that's hard.

I think you both need to be very adult, very matter of fact about this, challenge him over how he thinks this is going to work.

I have a family member who has had to cut out the onion family. In things like homemade casseroles you can sometimes replace onion with finely chopped celery or leave it out and up the seasoning a bit to compensate.